Beyond 4/20

by Heaton, Lisa

Before releasing the photo, Tuck looked again at Chelsea’s face. She was literally glowing as she looked at John. “I’ve never seen you any happier than this.”

  Chelsea smiled and walked over to look at the photo. It was one she often studied. He was only half right. She had never been so happy before, but after that photo, things only got better, and she missed that feeling of ever-increasing love and happiness.

  Tuck remembered what that night felt like for him. There was the glow of lights shining in the sky while he sat grieving her loss. That night, he thought he had lost her for good, and looking back, he knew he was right. What they currently shared was good. The life they were building together was all he had ever wanted, but when he studied the way she looked at John, he decided he wanted someone to look at him that way someday. For the first time ever, he had to admit, that would never be Chelsea. He really had lost her for good. Pretending was what they were doing, pretending to be a family they weren’t. Somewhere along the way, he had gotten lost in the fantasy that he belonged, that he was Sara Beth’s dad too. He wasn’t, and Chelsea wasn’t his.

  His mouth went suddenly dry as he admitted, “I think I’m done waiting now.”

  Unsure of his meaning, she asked, “Waiting for what.”

  “For you.”

  Trying to absorb his words, she finally stammered, “I’ve never asked you to wait.”

  Tuck sighed, regretting the direction the night would take them. “I know you didn’t. John did.”

  “He what?”

  Tuck walked over to the sofa and dropped heavily onto the cushion.

  “He came to my place and asked me to wait for you. He knew he was dying, and he wanted to make sure you would be taken care of.”

  Remaining standing, shaken up entirely by Tuck’s words, she said, “That wasn’t fair of him to ask such a thing.”

  “It didn’t need to be fair. He was just looking out for you.”

  Even before he said her name, Tuck realized what his decision might actually cost him. “And Sara Beth, he asked me to love her the way he loved Lucy.”

  Chelsea bowed her head and began to cry. Of course John did all of that. Of course he was looking out for her. That was the urgency of the promise. He wanted to know she would allow herself a new life with Tuck. Suddenly, so caught up in the John aspect of the conversation, Chelsea failed to truly absorb what Tuck was saying.

  “I want someone to look at me that way someday. That’s never going to be you.”

  She looked at him, a bit baffled, certain he wasn’t saying what it seemed. “What are you saying?”

  No matter how much he had tried to convince himself, Tuck realized that he could never compete with what they had. He would always be second choice, something she had to endure in the absence of her true love. His words to John that day in L.A. rang in his head.

  “Maybe I’m not dessert, but dessert isn’t what lasts; it doesn’t nourish. It’s the real meal that sustains you.”

  By the look on her face, he could see she had no idea what he was talking about. He was rambling, but before he knew it, he was continuing on, trying to make it make sense. He felt frustrated, maybe even a bit angry.

  “I’m saying I’m not spinach, Chelsea, something you have to choke down because what you really want is gone.”

  Jumping to his feet, he began to pace, agitated, but determined.

  “I’m more like a steak and baked potato. You know, one of those really big steakhouse potatoes that make you think, man, where do they get potatoes this size?” He stopped. He was making no more sense at the end than he was at the beginning.

  He walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Forget all that.” Looking into her eyes, reading mostly confusion in them, he clarified, “I have to wonder if maybe there’s somebody out there who will look at me and light up the night sky. I’m going to give it a shot. For the first time since I was just a kid, I’m not waiting anymore.”

  Tuck released her and moved quickly for the door. As he reached for the knob, he stopped abruptly and turned back. “Please tell me I can still see Sara Beth. I need her in my life. She needs me too.”

  Feeling dazed and incredibly confused, Chelsea nodded and then watched as he walked out the door.

  The following morning, life went from comfortable and routine to painful and chaotic. Sara Beth wanted pancakes and refused to eat Chelsea’s, saying they weren’t like Tuck’s. Lucy was suspicious when she found out her dad wasn’t coming for breakfast. Honestly, as much as Chelsea thought of what to tell the girls after Tuck left the night before, she still didn’t know what to say. For hours after he left, she expected him to call and say he had made a mistake. Keeping her phone by her bed, Chelsea sat up hour after hour hoping he would.

  Hardly sleeping that night, she found herself plagued with thoughts of John and why he would ask something like that of Tuck. Looking back over the course of time since John’s death, she saw her relationship with Tuck in a different light. How could Tuck love her so much that he would settle for being what he considered second best? Obviously, that was what he felt, and in truth, he was right. As much as she loved Tuck, she was still in love with John. That would likely never change, which would make a relationship with Tuck unfair and one-sided.

  For him to walk away was the wisest thing. She knew that to be true, but she was left with two confused little girls and mass chaos at breakfast time. Something would have to be explained, but for the life of her, she didn’t know what to say.

  Lucy sat eating her pancakes, wondering why her dad wasn’t coming. She could tell by her mom’s expression that something bad was happening. She was really perky and fake happy. Something didn’t feel right.

  “So will he come later?” she asked.

  Chelsea smiled. “I don’t think so. Unless you want him to swing by and pick you up? I’m sure he will if you want, or I can drive you out.”

  Lucy studied her. “I’m not a baby.”

  Sara Beth agreed with Lucy. “I’m not a baby, too.”

  Chelsea stood looking at the girls, frustrated, at a loss for words. Sara Beth was eating fruit and yogurt, her mother’s child. What kid would pass up pancakes for that? One who would only eat Tuck’s special pancakes. The only special thing about them was that he swore he added a secret ingredient. She had watched him make them, even when he would turn around and pretend to add the secret ingredient. There was nothing special, but to the two little girls sitting at that table, they were special all right.

  Finally, Chelsea sat at the table next to Lucy and admitted, “Your dad’s not coming back. Not like before.” When Lucy’s eyes filled with tears, Chelsea reached for her.

  “What did you do?”

  Lucy moved away from her, angry, certain it must be Chelsea’s fault. Her dad loved Chelsea and wanted to be a family with them. He never said it really, but she knew.

  “I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I don’t think I did anything different.”

  “So he just got mad at you and left?”

  “He wasn’t mad. He just said he thought maybe we should have some space.” Those weren’t his exact words, but Chelsea wouldn’t dare tell Lucy that he said he wanted to find someone else. She would rather Lucy be angry at her than at her dad.

  “So we’re not going to be a family anymore?”

  “We will always be a family.” When Lucy stood, Chelsea reached for her, adding, “It just may look different from now on.”

  Lucy stepped into Chelsea’s arms and began to weep openly and loudly. Never once since knowing Lucy had she seen such deep devastation. Chelsea began to cry, and immediately Sara Beth did as well.

  It was the worst beginning to any year of Chelsea’s life. The day was overcast and dreary. Lucy was sullen, and Sara Beth picked up on both Lucy’s and Chelsea’s dismal moods. She was whiney and clingy. At just before
noon, Tuck called and asked to speak to Lucy. When he asked her to come home for the night, she reluctantly said yes. Chelsea sat watching Lucy as she spoke to him. She seemed torn.

  Mouthing the words, Chelsea said, “It’s okay. Go.”

  When she was off the phone, Chelsea said to her, “I’ll miss you, but he needs you as much as I do.”

  “Why does it have to be like this? Why wasn’t he happy?”

  Chelsea went to where Lucy was sitting and knelt. “Lucy, your dad is the greatest guy I have ever known, and I mean that with all my heart. He’s been my friend since we were little kids. We will always be friends, but I think for now, he needs to see what else life may have for him, what God has for him. Because he is such a good friend, he stepped into our lives when I needed him most. Now that I’m better, he needs to get back to his own life.”

  “What about me and Sara Beth?”

  “Well.”

  Chelsea thought for a moment. She didn’t know what that would look like. With Lucy, she was his daughter; she would be with him back and forth just like before. As for Sara Beth, it was difficult to know how that would play out. No matter how much they loved each other, she wasn’t his.

  Lucy knew her mom well enough to know that she didn’t have an answer, or if she did, she didn’t want to say. “Nothing will be the same now. Will it?”

  “Not exactly, no.”

  “I’ll go get my things.” Lucy slid by where Chelsea was kneeling. “Come on Sara B.; you can help me.”

  It wasn’t long before Tuck arrived. When he did, there was an awkward silence between them, and he hardly looked her in the eye.

  “The girls missed you this morning.”

  Clearing his throat, he admitted, “Yeah, I missed them too.”

  He had been up most of the night thinking things over. Though he considered back-peddling what he had said, he knew that would be a mistake. When he left Chelsea’s the night before, he drove out to the house site, the one they would never build on now. For the first time, he sincerely had given up. After all those years and after all the reasons he had to give up but didn’t, he wasn’t exactly sure what caused him to snap as he did. Whatever it was, he was truly done, done waiting, done hoping, and done pretending. They weren’t a family and never would be.

  Lucy came down the stairs with Sara Beth on her heels. Sara Beth was wearing her cowgirl boots and had an arm full of clothes and toys. She was crying. “Wet me put this in thewe, Wucy.”

  In a very patient tone, Lucy said, “You can’t, Sara Beth. You have to stay home with Mama.”

  “Nooo!” Sara Beth collapsed on the bottom step and bawled. After a second or two, she realized Tuck had come. Rushing toward him, arms extended, she cried, “Pwease, take me with you.”

  Tuck unwound Sara Beth’s arms from around his leg and scooped her up in his arms. Hugging her tightly, he whispered, “Aw, baby.”

  Looking at Chelsea, feeling helpless and heartbroken, he mouthed, “Pwease?”

  Chelsea nodded and quickly looked away, blinking hard to keep from crying.

  “Lucy, let’s put Sara Beth’s pj’s in your bag too.”

  Within another minute, they were gone and there was Chelsea all alone. Alone so seldom, she hardly knew what to do with herself. With nervous energy driving her, she began cleaning house and picking up toys. Before too long, she lost steam and dropped heavily onto the sofa in the living room. Lucy’s words echoed in her heart; nothing would be the same now.

  At Tuck’s house the afternoon was filled with laughter and excitement. They cooked hot dogs over a campfire in the back yard. It was way too cold to stay outdoors long, but they all bundled up and roasted their hot dogs and quickly went inside to eat them. They played games for the next hour and eventually decided to bake a cake. Once they were finished with that, they all pitched in and cleaned the incredible mess they had made. Tuck hadn’t known such joy in his own home in a very long time. Rarely had Lucy come home with him in all the time they had been playing family. So every time he was home, it was quiet and lonesome. Not this night. He rode Sara Beth around and played horsey. Once even, Lucy asked for a ride, surprising since she was crossing over into that “I’m not a little kid anymore” phase.

  By nine, Sara Beth was yawning, so he started a late bedtime routine. Lucy wanted to take her bath separately, so that left Tuck alone with Sara Beth as she took hers. He had lathered up her hair and stood it on end as she loved to do. She played for a minute more and then said she was done.

  After he rinsed her hair and as he reached for a towel, she said, “I wove you, Daddy.”

  Tuck froze and closed his eyes. There was no sweeter sound than hearing those words. Grinning, he turned to her and said, “And I wove you, Sara Beth.” He wrapped the towel around her and lifted her from the water. “No matter what, I love you, and you’ll always be my favorite Sara Beth ever.”

  Lucy took her turn in the bathroom while Tuck dressed Sara Beth for bed. Before long they were both settled in, and quickly Sara Beth was fast asleep. After Tuck went to his room, only a minute later Lucy showed up and sat on the side of his bed next to him.

  “Don’t you love her anymore?”

  She always knew her dad loved Chelsea, and she had always hoped they would marry someday. Once John died, she was pretty certain of it. This, whatever this was, totally took her by surprise.

  “I’ll always love her.”

  “Then why did you leave us?”

  Reaching for Lucy’s hand, he said, “Hey, I didn’t leave you. You’re my girl. You know that.”

  “But you left my mom and Sara Beth.”

  “Sara Beth is here, too.”

  “But not for good.”

  “You don’t know that. Why can’t she come home when you do?”

  “Because she’s not yours,” she snapped.

  Lucy was hurting and angry. Because he was walking away, their family was broken again, just like it used to be. Since she had Chelsea in her life, her family never once felt broken. Suddenly, it did.

  “When you find another girl, you can’t have Sara Beth anymore. That’s what you want. Isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean, find another girl?”

  “When you get a girlfriend. Isn’t that why you left her?”

  “No.”

  Tuck considered the things he had said to Chelsea about wanting someone who looked at him the way she looked at John. Had Chelsea told Lucy that?

  “I mean, someday I may date, but that’s not what this is about.”

  “She said y’all need some space.”

  “What else did she tell you?”

  “That you weren’t mad but that you needed to see what else life had for you and what God has for you. And that you helped when she needed you most, but that you need to get back to your own life. She said you were the best guy she’s ever known and you would always be friends.”

  “We will always be friends. I will always care about her.”

  “Why don’t you marry her so we can be a family?”

  Tuck sighed heavily. “I’ll be honest with you. For a long time that’s what I thought would happen. Now, I realize that she’ll always love somebody else. I think I deserve to marry a woman who will love me. Does that make any sense?”

  It did, but Lucy just barely nodded. “What about Sara Beth?”

  “I don’t know. That’s up to Chelsea.”

  “You let her have me.”

  Smiling at what a smart little girl she was, he said, “That’s true, but this may be a little different.”

  “How is it different?”

  He thought for a moment but couldn’t come up with an answer. Really there was no difference.

  “We’ll just have to see how things go.”

  “Do you want Sara Beth?”

  “Absolutely. In my hea
rt, she is mine.”

  “In her heart, you’re hers, too.”

  That one statement made Tuck cry. He turned quickly and wiped his eyes so Lucy wouldn’t see, fearing it would upset her.

  Instead of upsetting her, it prompted her to hug him. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m sorry this is so hard.”

  “Me too, sugar.”

  It had been just over a month since Tuck stopped coming around. After the first two weeks, they all seemed to settle in to a new way of doing things. As if they were separated with joint custody, Tuck took the girls home with him a few nights a week and the rest of the time they were with Chelsea. The dropping off and picking up process was no less awkward than New Year’s Day, but at least there wasn’t the emotional drama with Sara Beth. As a matter of fact, the nights she went with Tuck were her favorite, and she often felt the need to tell her mama so. Because Sara Beth did love Tuck so much, Chelsea allowed it to continue, but the idea that her daughter would rather be with Tuck than with her broke her heart. It was only overnight since he had to bring her home while he worked, but still, Chelsea wanted to be wanted and not just her babysitter.

  Just as Lucy had for John, Sara Beth colored pictures for Tuck every day. She talked about Wowwipop non-stop and how she would ride when she went to Tuck’s next. Not caring how cold it was outside, she would get bundled up and Tuck would lead her around the barnyard on her pony. Lucy sent Chelsea a photo on her phone the last time. As much as she was glad that Sara Beth was happy, she felt left out. Every time such a feeling would occur, she realized it must have been exactly what Tuck felt when Lucy was with John and her. Chelsea quickly discovered that feeling jealous over your child having a good time only made you feel worse. Of course she wanted Sara Beth and Lucy to have a good time with him, but still, she was jealous. And lonesome. And wondering why things couldn’t have stayed as they were.

  Tuck was leaving the bank after making a payment on his line of credit. While Chelsea was feeling so bad the past spring, he ended up opening the equity line just to pay his help. Over the long haul, he hadn’t had to borrow much, but still he was working on paying it off.