Beyond 4/20

by Heaton, Lisa

  Chapter 22

  Things had turned out much differently than their grandest dreams, but still, they were living the dream. Go turned in to send more often than not. Neither anticipated the demands of homeschooling two girls. It was never quite as easy as taking long trips to exotic places since Lucy had work due weekly to her homeschool tutorial, so that limited how long they could be gone. Sara Beth worked best in her schoolroom versus on a plane, and she was so easily distracted that they were often frustrated with her progress. The kids’ education had to be the priority. Because of that, their kingdom business became based from their new home, a ministry that was thriving and required much attention.

  A new man emerged out of the shell of the body that was once her farmer husband. Tuck had become an extraordinary businessman. At all hours his phone rang as he had issues pop up worldwide. One night it was a border crossing, another it would be lost documents or last-minute money transfers. Always, he was moving mountains and conducting his kingdom business. If anyone was cut out to run the Keller Foundation, it was Tuck. His foresight and ability to dream big so impressed Chelsea that she easily allowed him to take over. He was the chief, and she had become a mere staffer. She was changing the world by supporting him as he truly changed the world. Often, he assured her that her care of their girls afforded him the opportunity to accomplish more.

  For the most part, she worked with the kids during school hours. Some days, however, Sara Beth would present such a challenge that her daddy was called in to help her. Those days were never the best days. It was challenging, much more so than either had imagined, but they were successfully teaching their children at home. As for their work in changing the world, they were truly reaching worldwide. Tuck’s latest endeavor was the distribution of Bibles to countries where they were illegal. On some occasions, even at Chelsea’s protest, he traveled to those places himself, making contacts and arranging trucks for transportation. Irene had become his constant companion, as much involved in the day-to-day operations of the foundation as he was. She had moved into Chelsea’s house soon after she and Tuck began working together. They were a bizarre pair, but easily enough, Irene had come to admire and respect Tuck and often told Chelsea so. Irene had become as much a part of their family as any of the other grandparents, and the girls were crazy about her.

  Their lives looked like nothing either had ever planned, but by far, both would agree it was better than they could have mapped out themselves. During school breaks and over the summer months, with more freedom to travel, they were able to take the girls and experience firsthand some of the outreach they had been involved in. For Sara Beth, who loved all animals and was scared of none, their best trip was to South Africa. As a family, they enjoyed what they considered a mini-safari, but then afterwards, served alongside missionaries in remote villages.

  Since the girls had never experienced life outside of their comfortable Oklahoma town, both were truly changed by the experience. Even at the tender age of six, Sara Beth was transformed. From the moment they arrived in the first village and she was able to see how difficult it was for the native children to live, and especially what a privilege it was for some of them to be able to attend school, she came to appreciate her life much more. Once they were home and school began again, she was a better student, mostly, but she was still a spirited girl. Both Tuck and Chelsea were thankful to have taken them and were determined to provide the girls more opportunities to experience life outside of their own secure world.

  As often as time would allow, Chelsea took the girls to Montana to see Louise and Claude. Though Louise was still getting around well, Claude had begun to steadily decline. So trips there to see them were a priority for Chelsea. Tuck went a few times, but for the most part, it was Chelsea and the girls. For Tuck, it was an awkward visit under the circumstances. John’s parents were overly kind and welcoming toward him, but still it was uncomfortable for him to be there. Out of respect for John and the way he always cared for his parents, Chelsea was determined to maintain close contact with them for as long as they lived, not as if that were a chore, considering her unlikely friendship with Louise that skipped an entire generation. Louise became a true mentor to her, always demonstrating what it meant to be a godly woman and wife.

  Since returning from their trip to France, Chelsea had embarked on a new journey with God. Over the course of her life, there had been seasons when she truly felt she was walking with Him. There were those moments when she actually felt the hand of God holding her up, sustaining her, but other times, especially when times were good, she remained in what she had come to call a place of wading in the shallows. In her mind, she could see the ocean and her walking there in the ankle deep waters. Because her heart and interest remained on other things, John, her children, Tuck, or their struggling marriage, her eyes were rarely on God. Deep down, she discovered that she had been a rather shallow Christian. It was watching John and reading of him swimming in the deeper waters that first opened her eyes. For a time, she knew she wanted to swim there too, but easily enough, distractions came that kept her ankle deep.

  It was during this new time of pursuing the deeper places with God that she finally dared to read John’s final journal. At the time he was writing it, he was still asking for her promise that she would allow herself to love again. Upon his last entry, she had still not given it. His prayers were mostly for her heart to heal so that she could live again. He wrote extensively about Tuck, and he prayed faithfully for their future marriage.

  What was so timely, however, considering this was exactly the season she was in as she read the journal, John prayed for her deepening relationship with God. At the end of a particular section, he had written directly to her, sharing with her some principles he had learned. First, he openly exposed the fact that God did not take her to the deeper places because she was unwilling. Finding her current relationship with Him comfortable enough, she chose to remain stagnant. Because John knew her so well, he rightly accused her of holding something back. She knew that to be true. No matter what God’s plan for John was at the time, she was holding out for what she wanted from God, and ultimately, she was angry with Him for not giving John more time with her. He addressed how obedience to what God said was the key to entering the deeper places with Him. Finally, he explained that being obedient to what you know takes you to the next place of revelation. So if she truly wanted God to reveal more to her, then she had to be prepared to obey what she knew at that particular time. In her case, John assured her, the place of obedience was to let him go and to allow God to heal her heart so that she might love again. At that point, he addressed how Tuck was her supposed to be and how few people get a second chance at God’s best for them.

  The note to her was direct and even rather abrupt, as if he k was running out and he was trying to impatiently share his final words of wisdom with her. From the very beginning he imparted so much to her, about business, dealing with people, and lastly, walking with God. How ironic that John was the one to share such godly advice with her considering how in the beginning she thought she might somehow be the one to help John draw nearer to Him. In some ways she must have, because John again thanked her for her place in his life and ended his note by saying, “Thank you for my beautiful ending.”

  After reading his advice, Chelsea spent the first few days in honest appraisal of her walk with God. She prayed. She surveyed others, and what she found was a woman who was truly comfortable being in the shallows, as if wading there along the shore with Him was what it was really all about. Having Tuck in her life, how could she not grasp his depth compared to her superficial walk with God? Her mother had a similar approach as hers, so that was likely whom she patterned herself after. Superficial wasn’t exactly the right term, as that would indicate fakeness. She struggled with how to best explain it. Eventually, comfortable was still what came to mind. Being too comfortable, insisting that things remain comfortable was her expectation fro
m and with God. How unrealistic was such thinking? Maybe that was why she avoided the deeper places, out of fear He would make her life uncomfortable. Certainly there were seasons when she felt she walked more closely with Him, but she was never deep enough, at least not deep for long, ebb and flow, that was her. Or maybe high and low tide. Whichever it was, she was constantly allowing the waves to carry her rather than determining she wanted to fight to remain in the deeper waters with God, learning and growing and ever changing. John and Tuck both fought the waves no matter the struggle required and were good examples of what she wanted to be, and because of them, she was aware that there was more available with God than she had ever even known. She wanted more of Him.

  Her new journey did indeed drag her into deep waters. Demands of her day became something to confer with God over. Homeschooling two children took her to the deeper places as she constantly needed God to keep her energized. When Tuck traveled, especially to any place that presented any sense of danger, she was forced to tread in the deepest places with God. Because she had known the loss of a husband, fear over losing Tuck was monumental and required her to learn to trust the Lord with Tuck. If anything ever made her uncomfortable, it was the thought of losing Tuck. Early on, she could hardly imagine that God would take him considering all they had gone through to be together. Eventually, though, she realized He had every right, as Tuck was His first and not hers only. If taking Tuck home served some kingdom purpose, then Chelsea had to admit it was God’s prerogative. That was her hardest struggle and the greatest evidence that her heart was truly resting in the hands of Jesus. She finally gave God His due, which was the fact that He always had the right to give or to take away. She trusted Him no matter what.

  From Chelsea’s perspective, her world had become so utterly complete, that even the disappointment they were facing as they had tried unsuccessfully to have a child together could hardly diminish her outlook. Already they had been married two years and still no pregnancy. After the first year, they sought medical help. Both, not so surprisingly, checked out fine. Ultimately, it was determined that they were possibly reproductively incompatible. Chelsea never knew such a condition existed, but it did. Since discovering it was possible they might never conceive naturally, they had begun to discuss alternatives. From the outset, Lucy wanted to adopt from China. Sara Beth had no preference. Both Chelsea and Tuck were considering adopting through foster care. As much as they would love to have a baby together, either through adoption or what they had learned about adopting embryos, the thought of Chelsea carrying another child and having as much difficulty as she did with Sara Beth concerned Tuck greatly. This was the current topic of conversation as they prepared for bed.

  Tuck was holding Chelsea’s hand trying to hear her out, but at the thought of losing her, he felt literally sick at his stomach. “What if you don’t make it this time? It was a close call with Sara Beth.”

  “Just because I had trouble before doesn’t mean I will this time.”

  “I can’t risk that. I just can’t.” Tuck was certain they had decided on the foster system. “What happened to adopting an older child?”

  “I’m up for that too.” She was. Since they decided to move forward and have another child, no matter which road that took them down, Chelsea had considered having more than one. “Who’s to say we only have one more? Why can’t we have a few?”

  Momentarily speechless, Tuck stammered and stuttered. Finally, he shrugged, “I suppose we can.”

  Because Lucy was nearly fourteen, they had both begun to feel some pressure to expand their family right away. They wanted Lucy to be young enough to bond with the new addition to their family.

  “What about travel?” He was thinking out loud. There were so many things he still wanted to do, places he wanted to invade for Jesus.

  She sighed. “We can go with you as much as we can, but I don’t want that to stop us from growing our family.”

  “I don’t either.”

  He thought again about her desire to adopt an embryo. “You know, with the embryo thing, we might have twins or triplets. I’ve heard of it happening that way.”

  If carrying one child nearly killed Chelsea, what might the effect of multiples be on her body? That was his truest concern.

  Smiling, Chelsea said, “That’ll grow our family pretty quickly.”

  “I’m scared.” He trusted God. He did, but the thought of Chelsea dying while having their baby caused him to literally quake with fear.

  He pulled her over into his lap. “Why is this so important to you?”

  Chelsea lifted his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I want you to be able to feel. I want to experience something that beautiful together.”

  Her pregnancy with Sara Beth was the most amazing journey of her life. After hearing more of the tumultuous time Tuck spent with Lindsey and how trying her pregnancy was, she wanted him to experience the same miracle and joy with someone he loved.

  Rubbing her belly, he could easily envision the little mound that was Sara Beth and how he had longed to touch her then. He wanted to share that with her.

  “Do we have to decide tonight? Can’t we just try again to see if our genetics have reached some agreement?”

  He was already trailing kisses down her cheek and to her neck, ensuring she knew he meant they should try again that night.

  “We don’t have to decide tonight. Please just be open-minded.”

  He stopped kissing her, knowing this was something that was truly important to her. “I will.” He hugged her tightly. “Is your clock really ticking that loudly?”

  The thought of a ticking clock caused Chelsea a moment of hesitation. What a terrible way to think of it after all the ticking she had known with John.

  “No, I’m willing to wait.”

  Her disappointment was obvious, which made him feel guilty since his hesitation was based on nothing more than fear. “I want this. I really do, but I don’t want to risk losing you.”

  “If it’s my time, it would happen another way.”

  “Don’t.” He buried his face in her neck. Squeezing her harder, he added, “Just don’t.”

  Obviously they were still at a stalemate, so there was no point in continuing this night. She would have to wait until he came to a place of trusting God with her life. As much as he loved her, she wasn’t quite so sure he would ever agree to another pregnancy. Lifting his face to look at her, she grinned this flirty little grin. “Let’s try again.”

  Chelsea heard Sara Beth come into their room even before Tuck awoke. As soon as her little feet hit the floor, Chelsea was aware of it. It was no surprise to see her since Lucy was spending the night with a friend. Many mornings, they all woke to find Sara Beth in bed with Lucy. Not a very heavy sleeper, all it took was an unusual house noise to get her up and moving to her sister’s bed. Lucy never seemed to mind.

  Moving quietly to her daddy’s side of the bed, she poked his shoulder. “I’m awake.”

  Her whisper was loud, unusually loud. They had tried to teach her to whisper softly but she hadn’t yet gotten the hang of it. Her whispers more resembled her normal tone, but she bent in close, and to her, that was what made it a whisper.

  Groggily, Tuck lifted the covers for Sara Beth to climb in.

  “I’m not sleepy.”

  “Daddy’s sleepy. Snuggle in here and you’ll fall asleep.”

  The light in the hall was on and cast enough light so that Tuck could see Sara Beth shake her head. He reached out and touched her pretty little cheek. “Need some coffee?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Without hesitation, Tuck climbed out of bed and scooped Sara Beth up into his arms. When she wrapped her arms around his neck, he asked, “Missing Lucy?”

  “Yes.”

  “I know.”

  Taking her back into her room, he lowered her to the floor and watched as s
he made them some imaginary coffee. They didn’t have tea parties like he used to with Lucy. Sara Beth had a camp fire like any self-respecting cowgirl would, and she poured them coffee. Sometimes they ate imaginary beans from tin plates. Truly, there in the middle of her room was a stack of real firewood and logs surrounding it to sit on. His little girl was no imaginary cowgirl anymore. She was a tremendous rider and passionate about the farm.

  He noticed she was quiet, as if something else were on her mind. “Do you want to talk?”

  Sara Beth had been thinking about what her cousin had said. “I have another dad. He’s in heaven.”

  Tuck’s heart sank at her words and even more so at the look on her face. It was rare that she looked sad, but this night she did.

  “Yes, John. He was a wonderful man, and he adored you as much as I do.”

  “I was just a baby.” She wondered how John could know just a baby.

  “You were, but he loved you very much.”

  “I just want you to be my dad.”

  Suspecting that this new dad revelation was somehow making her feel less his than Lucy, he assured her, “I am your dad, completely your dad, and that’s okay with John. He told me so.”

  “He won’t be mad that you’re my daddy now.”

  “Not at all. Because he did love you so much and wanted to make sure you had a good life, he asked me to love you and take care of you.”

  Immediately after they married, Tuck began adoption proceedings, which moved much more quickly than when Chelsea adopted Lucy. Since then, he always knew this day would come, the day when she would understand she wasn’t his biologically. It hurt as much if not more than he anticipated it would. In his heart, she was just as much his as Lucy, so it meant everything to him that she know she was truly his.