I’m such a bitch.
How can I not support my husband? How can I not feel the heavy burden that my husband carries on a daily basis?
“I’m not saying that you should forget. I know you can’t, and I totally understand. I have kids struggling on a daily basis, and that fact plagues me. I’m just saying that nothing can be done tonight. It’s past eight and tomorrow is going to be here before we know it. Let today go.”
“Humph.”
That’s all I get in response as he enters the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. Why does he lock the door? I hear the fan, so I know what he’s doing. Why does he think that I want to enter the bathroom when I can hear the fan running? That’s like a blaring warning sign that tells me not to enter. I don’t want to see, smell, or hear what’s going on in there so there’s no way that I would willingly walk in on him right now. Shaking my head, I go back to reading as I try to block out the occasional grunt and wet fart I hear coming from the bathroom. Yeah, I want no part of that.
Every year the Builder’s Awards are held at our city’s oldest and most prestigious country club. It isn’t until we pull through the iron gates and up a paved hill the grounds that we can truly see the view, and it’s stunning. The property is lined with lush pine trees. The early evening air has a calmness to it that I’ve always felt is brought on by the coolness. “Have you ever been here before, Dad?” Trevor asks from the backseat where he and Jenna are both dressed in freshly pressed outfits.
“Actually, I did some work on the member’s rec room many years back,” he tells the kids as we continue to drive through the grounds.
We pull into the parking lot, and I immediately see Ruby and Steve. Slamming my door, I approach them, puzzled as to why they’re here. “Hey.” I glance at them both before leaning into a hug, “What are you guys doing here?” I ask kissing Ruby’s check. “Neither of you are involved in the construction field.”
Their gazes land on Heath behind me. When they don’t answer me, I turn back to my husband.
“I’m up for an award this year.” He shrugs.
“What?” I screech. “Why didn’t you tell me? When did you find out?”
“Come on kids, let’s go find our table,” Ruby says, ushering both of the kids and Steve up towards the main building.
“It’s not a big deal, Whit,” he says as he shoves his hands in his pockets.
“What do you mean it’s not a big deal? This is huge Heath. This can make your career. You can have a solid reputation in the community and in your field if you win this award tonight–”
“Yeah, and then what? Have more jobs booked to the point where I can’t handle the load? I don’t need the recognition, Whit. I don’t need all the hoopla and my name in lights to prove my worth.”
I sigh, rubbing my temples. “I’m not saying that you do.” I drop my hands and regard my husband. “But this is about everyone else recognizing that your work is good. You’ve never been average when it comes to building beautiful things. Your work has always been spectacular, I’ve told you for years. You’re fantastic in your craft, and if you win, everyone else will know, too.”
“Can we just go in?” He points his hand in the direction that Ruby walked towards a few minutes before.
I don’t move from my spot. “Why don’t you want to be rewarded for all your hard work?”
“I don’t want or need the extra headaches, that’s why. I’m satisfied with my life and how everything’s going. I don’t need anything else. What else do you want me to say?” He puts his hands on the small of my back, guiding me towards the crowd that’s entering the building.
As soon as we enter the building, Heath’s demeanor changes. I feel him physically relax as we approach his colleagues and competitors until he spots a man walking towards us.
“Look at the man of the hour,” the gentleman says as he pats Heath on the shoulder. “Word around town is that you’re a shoo-in for top honors tonight.”
“I’m not sure if I’m a shoo-in. There are far better craftsmen out there.”
“Yes, but the builder’s union is the one who makes the decision aren’t they?” He lifts an eyebrow, and I get a feeling that he isn’t happy with the possibility that Heath may win.
“It doesn’t matter either way,” Heath defends. “I do what I do because that’s who I am. I’m not doing it to be rewarded. When we start to do things for recognition, we tend to lose our drive and our passion, and that’s a place I don’t ever want to be.”
The man eyes my husband before turning to me. “You must be proud of your husband, Mrs. James.”
I stand tall. “I am. Heath has worked in this industry for a long time. He’s paid his dues, and he’s the best man for the honor.”
“If you’ll excuse us,” Heath says, cutting our conversation short and ushering me farther into the building. “I didn’t need you to defend me, Whit. He’s an ass and someone who I bid against on a normal basis. He isn’t worth your energy.”
“Yes, but you are,” I bite back, but stop myself from saying anything more before I start another argument. “Just go and mingle. I’m going to find Ruby and the kids.”
When I search the room, I see the kids are at a table texting and snapping away. Ruby isn’t that far away, so I make my way over to her. She hands me a glass of champagne.
“Hey, doll.” She gives me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry about earlier.”
“How did I not know, Ruby?” I fight back the tears as my mind wanders to places I don’t want it to go. “Why doesn’t he tell me anything?”
“I’m not sure, Whitney. That’s not my question to answer. Steve mentioned that his name was in the most recent trade magazine—you know the one that features all the trades in construction?”
“No, I didn’t know about that. Heath must have it sent to the office and not the house.” I take a sip of the glass, maybe a little faster than I should because before I know it, the glass is empty and I’m reaching for another as a waiter passes us.
“Well, I’m sorry that you had to find out that way.” She takes a step back and regards my outfit. “Good thing you’re looking smokin’ tonight.”
I chose a deep-purple wrap dress for tonight. The material hugs my curves and thankfully conceals the areas that I don’t want to advertise. It has a plunging neckline, and thanks to my overly expensive bra, my forty-year-old breasts look tight and perky.
“Well, I’m glad someone over the age of fifteen thinks so.” I didn’t hear any type of compliment coming from my husband when I walked out of our room tonight. The kids, like clockwork, had told me how awesome I looked, but not a peep from Heath.
The lights flicker a couple times, signaling for us to take our seats. Once seated at our table we sit through speech after speech. They drone on about the industry and how it’s turning up after several years of downturns and what this means for our community, city, and state. There’s a representative from each trade talking about what we should expect in the future and how the evolution of building is changing, and we better get ready.
By the time the speeches are over, and the awards begin, the kids look bored out of their minds and I’m sure I look just as amused, but when I peer in Heath’s direction he’s engrossed in everything that’s happening on the stage and oblivious to his family’s state of boredom. There’s slight smile on his face as he listens to everyone who stands in front of the crowd and accepts their awards. I haven’t been able to bring that expression out in my husband in I can’t remember how long. Why can’t he look at me like that? The thought pinches at my chest. I feel as if this is another sign that I’m losing my marriage and my husband is no longer interested.
Just as I’m about to rescue myself and the kids and grab a ride home, the announcement of builder of the year floats through the air.
“This is the last honor of the night. It’s kind of like Picture of the Year at the Oscars,” the speaker jokes, getting a small round of laughter from the audience. �
�Without further ado, I’m honored to announce Heath James with James Construction as the winner of the 2016 builder of the year!”
“Holy shit!” I say as I immediately start clapping. The kids whoop next to me, while everyone around us is saying their congratulations.
With a continued smile on his face, Heath pushes back from his chair, buttoning the button on his dinner jacket and makes his way up to the podium. I watch my husband walk up on the stage, take a gold trophy in his hand, and then face the crowd. Years of his hard work, have paid off. The sacrifices we made when he decided he wanted to open his own company all led up to this moment.
Clearing his throat, he begins to talk. “When I was younger, I didn’t know that I wanted to own my own business. The thought of it brought on a massive headache that I didn’t want any part of. As the years went on and I perfected my craft, I started to see things differently. I wanted to be my own boss. I wanted the final say in things because we all know the customer is always right. Even when they aren’t.” Another round of laughs carries through the room, making Heath pause.
“I don’t build to receive these rewards. I build because it’s who I am. But none of this would be possible without my crew. I’m kinda sorry they aren’t here tonight because this award is just as much theirs as it is mine. They work endless hours to make my visions come to life. Late nights, sometimes out of town jobs, and they rarely complain. If it weren’t for the working foundation I’ve built through my employees, I wouldn’t be standing here tonight. Thank you.” He nods, turning on his heel and leaving the stage.
I swallow as the lump I’ve been fighting continues to grow. I know I’m about to cry. Damn it.
“Whitney…”
Ruby’s voice pulls my attention away from the stage. “Can you make sure Heath takes the kids home, please?” I ask as I push my chair back.
“Yeah, babe, of course.” She stands and wraps her arms around me. “I’ve got you.”
“Thanks.” I turn towards Jenna, placing my hand on her shoulder to grab her attention. “Ruby and Steve are taking you home. I need to leave.”
“Why–”
“Jenna,” I snap, causing her to sulk back into her chair. “Please.”
“All right.”
“Thanks, baby.” I grab my purse from the table, and make a beeline for the door.
The drive home is quiet, the only disruption of silence being the occasional whimper that I can’t seem to prevent. When we finally arrive home, the club’s driver gives me a sympathetic smile from the rear-view mirror as I thank him before stepping out.
After washing my face, I pad through the house to the kitchen where I grab myself some herbal tea. I need something to calm my nerves, or I’m never going to sleep tonight.
How did we get here? I ask myself as I sit on the lounge in my bedroom. I should stay in Charlie’s room tonight. I’m sure Heath won’t notice that I’m not in bed. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t tell me what’s going on in his life, and he doesn’t acknowledge me in something that was so monumental in his career. We’re supposed to be partners, a team, and yet I feel like we’re strangers living under one roof. I’m tired of sharing a bed with a man I feel like I no longer know.
Another tear breaks free, rolling down my cheek as I think back to our life. We’ve had so many firsts shared together, and now I feel like we’re experiencing only lasts. My back straightens and I instinctively pull my robe closed when I hear Trevor and Jenna’s voices carry through the house and down the hall. Preparing for Heath to walk into the room, I take a deep breath, only to be startled when a knock sounds at the door.
“Mom.” It’s Jenna. “Are you up?” Glancing at the clock, I see that I’ve been home for an hour already.
“Yeah, baby, come in.” I wipe my eyes before twisting in my seat when she enters the room. I give her a smile, and she gives me one in return, but unfortunately, it doesn’t reach her eyes. Her smile is just as sad as mine.
“You okay?” She sits next to me and places her hand on my shoulder, pulling me into a hug. This is something that I typically do to her, but I welcome the comfort. “What happened tonight?”
“I’m just sad.”
“Why. Did we do something wrong?”
“No, baby,” I tell her as I smooth down her hair.
“Mom.” I hear Trevor call from the doorway before walking in. He’s already out of his dress clothes and back in his basketball shorts and tank. “You okay?” Trevor’s brows are creased, worry written all over his face. It breaks my heart that my kids are consoling me like this.
“Yeah, I’m all right.” When I feel my nose begin to sting, I take a deep breath, trying to control my emotions. “Where’s your father?”
“He stayed,” Jenna tells me. “Ruby and Steve brought us home. He said he’d see us later.”
“He told me he’d be right behind us,” Trevor adds.
“All right. Well, go wash up for bed, and I’ll see you in the morning. We’ve got school.” They both roll their eyes and groan as they leave my room, shutting the door behind them.
The warm water relaxes my frayed nerves as it hits my face. I reach for the hand towel, patting my skin dry. After I place the towel on the granite counter, I grab my brush and run it through my chestnut hair. My hair is still shiny, although I can tell that it isn’t as thick as it used to me. Leaning closer to the mirror I really scrutinize my face. My pores are larger than they used to be, but nothing too terrible. I’m assuming it’s normal with age. The lines are more prominent around my eyes. Laugh lines. I run my finger along the skin of my cheekbones. It’s starting to discolor more. Sunspots. Nothing that continued usage of my high-end moisturizer won’t fix. My lips, still full as they were when I was younger.
I pull myself back, running my hands along my neck, checking for tightness. Is my skin starting to sag? I turn to the side to examine the slight rounding of my stomach where I’ve grown our three children. My breasts, now that they’re out of a bra, hang lower than I’d like. I have the body of a forty-year-old mother, and unless I want to spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, it’s not going to change all that much. I take a deep breath, stopping myself from over thinking why my husband overlooks me like he does. Other than a few stretch marks here and there, and a few extra pounds, I’m still the same woman he fell in love with.
I hear the garage door rumble through the stillness of the house. I pad over to our bed, pulling back the covers, getting in. When I glance at the nightstand clock, I see that two hours have passed since the kids came home. I open my Kindle, trying to distract myself, but my heart leaps in my chest when I hear Heath’s footsteps making their way down the hall. My gaze lands on Heath when he opens the door, entering the room and closing the door behind him.
“What happened to you tonight?” he asks without looking at me as he goes into the closet, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes.
“I went home.”
“Yeah…” His voice is slightly muffled from being in the closet. “I saw that, but why?” He comes out wearing only his boxers. “Are you upset about something? Wait… have you been crying?”
“Yes, I’m upset,” I snap, dropping my Kindle into my lap.
“Why the hell are you upset?”
“Why am I upset? Give me a break Heath, can’t you see? Do you not have any clue? First, you didn’t think you needed to tell me that you were up for an award. You remember to invite Steve and Ruby, but you didn’t think to tell your wife that you were nominated.”
“We’ve already been through this. Can’t you just get over it for once?”
I shake my head, unable to form the words for a rebuttal because I’m so angry that he doesn’t see it. “You know… If I had something substantial happen to me in my career, you’d be the first person I’d tell. You’ve always been my first person. Not Ruby, not any of my girlfriends growing up. I didn’t care if Kathy from high school knew that I had earned honor roll, or was nominated for class president. I
told you first, and we weren’t even married then. I’ve always thought to tell you. And you used to tell me things. You’d tell me the little things that happened to you, and you’d tell me the big things. But lately, you don’t tell me anything.”
“Jesus, Whitney, I didn’t think it would matter.”
“Well, you thought wrong. It mattered to me because you matter to me. You don’t see how much you do and how these kinds of things hurt me. I feel as though I’m invisible to you, Heath. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now, and tonight was like the nail in the coffin for me. You didn’t even think to thank your family, and I can’t get over that. I understand your men are the ones who do the work, and I know you wouldn’t be where you are if it weren’t for them, but we should be the first people you thank. The kids and I are the ones who don’t see you for days. Sometimes weeks on end because you’re on location or you’re too under the gun to give us the time of day. They’re the ones who don’t get to see their father on the sidelines or in the stands cheering them on at sporting events. You almost missed Charlie’s basic training graduation–”
“But I didn’t,” he bites back.
“Heath, all I’m saying is that we’ve been the ones standing next to you from the beginning. We’ve sacrificed during your career. We’re part of the reason for your success, and it kills me that you don’t see that. That you don’t see me anymore. I feel as though I’m invisible to you.”
“That’s bullshit, Whitney. I’ve only seen you since I was a kid. I’ve only ever been able to see you.”
Take 2 on Love Page 3