“Oh yeah, then what color dress did I wear tonight? How was my hair styled? What necklace was I wearing?”
He opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it, causing his lips to go tight. His nostrils flare as his eyes bore into me. He doesn’t answer me, because he can’t. “Whit–”
“I’m tired, Heath,” I cut him off. “I’m going to bed.” I roll over, turning off the nightstand lamp.
He couldn’t answer any of the questions I just asked him.
He doesn’t see me.
When we were younger, and we’d have a fight, we’d practice the ‘never go to bed angry’ rule. No matter what the argument was or who was right or wrong, Heath always made it a point to wrap his arms around my body, pulling me to him. Sometimes he’d whisper that he loved me before placing a kiss on the crown of my head, then rolling over to his side of the bed. Other times he’d keep me close until he fell asleep, but Heath didn’t try to talk to me again once I rolled over and pulled the blankets over my shoulder. Feeling the bed dip as he got in was like another crack to my heart.
Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Twenty years of marriage, countless talks of encouragement, loans pulled to start that business, and he didn’t think to mention me. Or his kids. The knife couldn’t go any deeper. I think the fact that he didn’t acknowledge the kids was worse than him not being able to answer my questions. I’m an adult, I can handle that type of rejection, but I wonder if the kids were put off by him not mentioning them.
Once Heath left for work, I called Charlie, my eldest son. With him being stationed in Germany, I knew he’d be off duty by the time I got around to calling him since that’s the typical time we make contact. Having my son halfway across the world has taken some getting used to. I always assumed he’d be stateside so that he would be able to visit more, or we go to him, but that wasn’t the case.
Talking about separation, broken families and hurt feelings, isn’t a topic I like by any means, no matter how old Charlie is. I felt that I needed to make that call and tell him some of the things that I’ve had on my mind over the past few weeks…months…years. Like the adult and good kid that he is, he understood where I was coming from. He only wants his parents happy, no matter how that’s accomplished.
From the moment I try to wake my kids in the morning, my day goes at full speed. I wake up early with Heath’s schedule, so there are nights when we can be in bed before the sun goes down, so I have no clue when my kids actually go to bed. I’m in my forties, and I’m tired. I’m not about to stay up until those two are fast asleep in dreamland. I need to be patient when it comes to my job, and that requires me to get enough sleep so that I’m not screaming at my classroom all day.
The school year is always full of drama and tons of fighting in the mornings. You’d think with one kid out of the house it would have gotten better, but it hasn’t. If it’s not the kids, it’s the dog. Harper is the reason why we’ve only had one dog. My kids have tried, Lord have they tried, to get us to commit to another dog, but no way.
“Let’s go!” I yell as I close my bedroom door. “We need to leave now.” I continue down the hall with the clicking of my heels. “Where’s Harper?” I call out. When no one answers, I go on the hunt for the dog. Once I reach the back slider, I see Harper sitting at the door. Without paying attention, I pull the glass open.
“I still have to brush my teeth,” Jenna whines as she enters the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
“Trevor?” I ask when I see his head leaning against the couch. “Do you have everything you need packed?” Without warning, Harper jumps at my back, making me stumble forward. I lose my footing, almost twisting my ankle. “Damn it.”
He turns his head to look at me. “You okay, Mom?”
“Yeah. Is your backpack ready? I don’t want to get a phone call because you’ve left an assignment at home.” When I turn around, I notice that Harper’s paws are full of mud.
“Uh, Mom?” I swing my head around to meet Trevor’s eyes. “You’ve got mud all over your back.”
“Son of a–” I can’t get the words out because Harper jumps at me, barking in greeting. “Harper, no!” I scream. “Get her outside, Trevor. Now.” I push her muddy paws from my clothes.
“What if it rains?”
“I don’t care at this moment. Text your father and tell him to come by the house to let her in if it starts. I need to change my clothes,” I say as I make my way down the hall.
Rushing towards my room, I pull the shirt over my head. Taking the zipper from the back of my skirt, I pull it down allowing the fabric to fall away from my body. I step out of my skirt, I kick it towards the hamper. After flicking on the light to my closet, I pull the closest dress from the rack and throw it over my head.
Passing Jenna, still in the bathroom, she calls out to me, “Mom?”
“What?” I snap.
“Um, your shoes don’t match your dress.”
Looking down I see that she’s right. The navy and white stripes completely clash with my floral dress. Perfect.
“Jenna, we need to leave now!” I scream as I hop down the hall, pulling my shoes to my feet.
“Okay,” she whines again. “Hold on, let me get my bag.”
Once we’re in the car, the radio is turned to their favorite hip-hop station, one that I continually tell them I can’t stand. Same thing, different day.
My kids attend both the high school and middle school that are also located on the base. This is another one of the perks of the contract. They can easily go to the public-school closest to our house, but the military offers more advanced classes, more worldwide education than what our local school system does. The schools on bases are stricter than our typical schools, which works for Trevor since he tends to need that extra kick in the pants to keep him focused. Although Jenna’s favorite subject is drama 101, she’s a smart cookie, so she’s here for the more advanced classes to help push her academically.
Another thing that the military base offers is a foreign exchange type opportunity for those kids who attend a school on the base. Jenna has been looking forward to getting that opportunity when she gets a bit older. We’ve taken part of that program when our oldest, Charlie was in the tenth grade. He switched with a child whose dad was stationed in Germany. We had Devlin with us an entire year while Charlie stayed with his parents in Germany. That experience was the main reason why Charlie decided to enlist in the military and is now stationed in Germany. He keeps in touch with Devlin and his family who are still there.
“I need you guys to get off your phones,” I tell them both, but I’m looking in the rear-view mirror to make sure Jenna does as I say. That girl and her obsession with social media. With a roll of an eye, she listens and drops her phone in her lap. “I want to talk to you guys about something.”
“Are we in trouble?” Jenna asks as she sits up. I watch her throat bob as she swallows, which tells me there’s something there that I don’t know about yet.
“No, honey, why do you ask that?”
“And why did you say we?” Trevor adds. “I’m not involved in anything that you and your friends are doing.”
Hmmm. I make a mental note to reach out to Bev, a teacher and friend of mine over at the junior high.
“We’re not doing anything, Trevor, so why don’t you shut up.” Jenna leans up and smacks his head making him turn around and fly over the front seat, smacking her back. “Mom!” she screams. “Tell him to stop it.”
“Both of you—Please! Stop acting like you’re four.” I grip the steering wheel, keeping my eyes on the road. “Neither of you are in trouble. I just want to have an adult conversation with both of you. I’ve already talked to your brother to get his opinion, and now I want yours.” I look over my shoulder, signaling to switch to the slow lane.
“What’s up?” Trevor asks.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about making a change, and I’d like your input.” My eyes flick t
o the back seat, making sure Jenna’s listening to me. “This isn’t easy for me to say, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.” “Are you and Dad breaking up?” Jenna asks.
“Breaking up? No, I don’t think so. I can’t say for certain since I can’t speak for your father, but I’m just taking a break…maybe?”
The weight and dread that I’ve been feeling are instantly gone. I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but I never thought it was a good idea for the kids. I keep an eye on Jenna to make sure that she’s okay. She’s the baby of the family, and where there’s an enormous amount of drama and an equal amount of sensitivity, I know she’s going to take this the hardest.
“Is this because you were sad last night?” she asks without bringing her eyes up to meet mine.
“Partly, honey.”
“What did Dad say?” Trevor asks.
When I glance at him, I see that he’s staring down at his jeans, picking at a thread. My chest twists knowing that his world is about to be rocked and I’m the cause of it. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s the one who’s going to take this the hardest.
“Nothing. He doesn’t know yet. I know that I’ve prided myself on being completely honest with you kids, and there might be times when I should’ve shielded you from more of the adult aspects in life, but I never want any of you to be shocked”
“Like about sex,” Jenna pipes up.
“Yes, like sex, but this is entirely different. More important,” I confirm. “I wanted to talk to you about what’s been on my mind first because you’re my kids, and if you want your father and me to stay together, then I will make that sacrifice for you. I’d do anything to make you guys happy.”
“Where would we live?” Jenna asks.
“Well, I haven’t looked or really gone above the first step. But, seeing that I work on the base, you go to school on the base, and your friends are on the base, I think maybe I’ll look at the condos just outside.”
Jenna nods and turns to stare out the window. “I wondered when this was going to happen,” she says as she continues to watch the road pass us. “It seems that there are more parents apart then there are together these days. You don’t know how many of my friends can’t do things on the weekends because they have to visit the other parent.”
“What do you think Dad will say?” Trevor asks.
“I’m not sure, honey. I haven’t allowed myself to go there, yet,” I tell him truthfully. “I just want to know your thoughts.”
“I want you to be happy, Mom,” Trevor says. “And I know that you’re not. You haven’t been in a long time.”
He puts his hand over mine and squeezes, making a tear slip from my eye. Out of all my kids, Trevor is the one who has always been able to calm me. Even as a baby when Heath and I would argue, his little body being held in my arms would always make everything seem okay.
He’s the one who struggles the most in life. He doesn’t always make the best decisions, and he doesn’t think that school and homework are important. Being a teacher, that fact drives me crazy. Charlie has always been driven. Since the age of eight, he understood the importance of grades and schoolwork. Jenna, like Charlie, is very competitive in and out of the classroom, so I never have to worry about her grades. But Trevor has spent his life doing the bare minimum, and at times, not even that.
“When you start dating, are we going to be able to tell you if we like the guy or not?” Jenna asks from the back seat.
My body tenses at the thought. “I’m not dating, honey. That’s not what this is about.”
“Oh my God, Jenna,” Trevor groans, “she hasn’t even left Dad yet. Why would you ask that?”
“Again, I’m not dating,” I respond.
“I don’t know,” she ignores my comment. “I was just wondering.”
No one says anything after that. Not for the rest of the drive to school. Jenna doesn’t tell me she loves me when she exits the car in front of her school and Trevor doesn’t tell me to have a good day when gets out to his school. Both kids are silent.
Something I’ve always wanted, but never like this.
Typically, I spend the lunch hour in the break room, chatting with my colleagues, but not today. I spent the first fifteen minutes listening to Bev talk to me about everything but Jenna and her friends. According to her, she hasn’t heard a peep, and I shouldn’t worry.
Glancing at the clock, I see that I have another twenty minutes before my class fills back up with kids. I open up the internet and type in ‘condos for rent’ in my local area. I wasn’t lying to the kids about where we would live. I have no clue, but I don’t have an issue with Heath staying in the house while we figure this stuff out. Heath built that house for us, and I feel, besides the kids, that it is his greatest achievement. I’d never ask him to leave.
It’s times like these when I’m thankful to have not one, but two careers. Financially, I can do this type of thing and not take much of a hit. I know not many women can say the same thing, and that’s probably more than half the reason why they stay in unhappy marriages. Luckily, I make plenty as a teacher, and the royalties that I get from my book sales help with the kids’ college funds, so I know that their future won’t suffer when or if Heath and I take a break. My stomach drops at the thought.
“Hey.” A voice comes from the door of my classroom.
I look up. “Hey, Tony. Come in.”
Tony is a longtime friend of mine, who helped me land this job. Teaching on military bases is highly sought after, he gave the board a good word on my behalf and because of that, I’m now where I’m at. But Tony isn’t just any work buddy. He’s also married to my brother and has been for years. Even before it was legal, Tony and my brother Will considered themselves to be married. They’ve always said that whatever a piece of paper says will never outweigh what their heart feels. I’m beginning to agree with them.
“We missed you in the break room. What are you doing? Do you have another deadline you’re trying to meet?” He also knows about my extracurricular activity, and there aren’t a lot of people that I work with who know that I write romance novels. I try to keep the fiction part of my life separate from my real-life side. I don’t want parents to think that some deprived, sex addict is teaching their children. That’s why I write under a pen name.
“No deadline. Just some research,” I say as I lean back in my chair before grabbing my sandwich and taking a bite.
“What kind?” He takes a few strides over to me, leaning over my shoulder. “You better not be doing research-research, Whitney. You can’t be looking up how a threesome works, or looking at the latest dick pics on school computers. You know they monitor the usage on these things. Tumblr better not be in your search history, either. I don’t know how you can explain yourself out of that one.” His voice is low.
Smacking him on the shoulder, I laugh. “Geez, buddy, have some faith in me. Besides, I wasn’t born yesterday. That’s why I bring my iPad with me.” I give him a wink as I pat the case to my iPad. “I’m looking at places to rent.”
He stands up, running his hand over his mouth before bringing his gaze to mine. He drops his hand from his face and tucks both of them into his pocket. “So, you’ve decided then?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “I think so…” I clear my throat, trying to rid myself of the emotions that I don’t want to get in the way of my decision making. “Yeah.” I feel the tears sting the back of my eyes. Jesus, this is hard. I shrug, trying to play this entire situation off like it’s no big deal. “I’m forty, you know.”
“Forty-one, but who’s counting.” He smirks.
I roll my eyes. “I’m not forty-one yet.” I swat at the air. “My life is halfway over, right? We need a change, Tony. I can’t keep banging my head against the wall, hoping that’s he’ll open his eyes. I’ve spent so many years trying to get a different outcome when I’ve been doing the exact same thing over and over, and nothing changes.”
“Does Heath know thi
s? Know what you’ve been thinking?”
“He has to know, Tony. He lives with me. He sees how our relationship has changed.” I swallow, taking a deep breath. “I’m not sure he wants the relationship anymore.”
He leans against the counter that runs along the window. “Are you saying that Heath doesn’t love you anymore? I really don’t believe that, Whitney. I think you might be a little off track.”
I take a moment to think about this. “To be honest, I’m not sure what he thinks or feels anymore. We’ve changed, Tony. Lord knows I hate to admit that, but it’s true. I never thought we would be here, but we are, or at least I am. I have to do something. I don’t want to be eighty and think back on how different my life could have been. I’m tired of just existing and being.” I take a deep breath, wiping the tears that have started to fall from my eyes.
“There was a time when I could feel the love Heath had for me, and I’m not just talking about early on in our marriage when things were still new. I’m talking about years later. The first day of kindergarten for Jenna, Heath stood right next to me with his arms wrapped around me while my baby walked into her classroom for the first time without looking back. He whispered his love for me, telling me how proud he was to call me his wife and for our kids to have me as their mother. Now, I can’t even get him to attend one of the kids’ games.” I reach from the tissues on my desk, taking one from the box to blot my eyes.
“Honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I hate that you’re going through this because you deserve to be happy, and I always thought Heath was the one who did that for you. Life is hard, kids are even tougher, and both you and Heath have demanding careers. We know marriages change, some for the better, some for the worse. The question is are you willing to walk away from everything you’ve built?”
And he’s right. I know that. Life changes us. Kids and responsibilities change us from who we used to be to who we are now. Not everyone grows together, no matter how long they’ve been together. Life isn’t that black and white. From the moment I knew that I loved Heath, I never thought I would be facing a life where he wasn’t a major part of it. But here I am.
Take 2 on Love Page 4