Tonic

by Heather Lloyd

  I look around a little bit and wonder if we’ll run into any issues tonight.

  Ryan sees me worrying about this information.

  “Don’t worry about it. Nothing should happen. It’s all part of the fame,” he says. “I’ll keep you safe.”

  “I wasn’t worrying about me. What have you had to put up with in order for you to have security to keep you safe?”

  “Let’s not take about that now. It’s just all part of the life. Jeremy will keep us both safe.”

  We arrive at the restaurant and are promptly led to our table. As we pass by other tables I can hear murmurs from other patrons recognizing Ryan. Because of who he is, Ryan was able to reserve the best table overlooking the fountains and the Strip in a private room with no issues. Jeremy stays just on the other side of the door to guard it.

  “So, there are definitely perks of be a celebrity,” he says after the host leaves us.

  “Yes, but you do put up with a lot of other things. Did you see everyone watch us as we were lead in here to the table? I think some of the people wanted to come talk to you but didn’t because we’re at this upscale restaurant and I’m pretty sure Jeremy scared the rest of them off.”

  Ryan laughs. “You learn to ignore a lot and dodge a crowd – or let Jeremy scare them off. You can’t let adoring fans or paparazzi ruin your life,” he replies. “So what did you do with the rest of your afternoon?”

  “I finished lunch, thanks for paying for it, by-the-way, and went shopping until I came back here to get ready.” I hesitate and wonder if I should bring my weird experience that afternoon. I decide to tell him. “I did have something strange happen to me while I was out this afternoon. I had an eerie feeling that I was being followed. There was this one guy I kept seeing everywhere. At one point, I stopped to look at a store window and in the reflection, I could see that he was watching me. At first, I assumed that he just happened to be going in the same direction as me. But it became obvious that he kept following me. Finally, I lost him in the casino.”

  “Shit,” he mutters under his breath. “I should have warned you. If someone saw us together at lunch today, it might have been paparazzi trying to find out some info about you.”

  “Oh. Paparazzi. I didn’t think about that. I am so not used to celebrity life. I thought some pervert was following me around. But I didn’t see anyone when we were at lunch.”

  “Yes. Neither did I. They can be super sneaky. I thought I was careful, but… I’m sorry Olivia.”

  “Please, don’t worry about it.”

  I brush it off. I don’t want some stupid reporter ruining my dinner with Ryan Paxton. “I’ll deal with it as it comes. Besides, he didn’t have a camera – that I saw – and he didn’t come up to me. Maybe he was tourist out shopping and I just happened to keep running into him. Besides, people won’t be interested in me.”

  Ryan frowns at me.

  “They won’t,” I insist. How is it that I feel comfortable with this guy enough to stand up and argue with him? “How was your interview?”

  He sighs, but lets the disagreement go. I’m sure I haven’t heard the end of that.

  “The interview went well. Quite a few fans of Surrender were there. I couldn’t dodge the crowd this time,” he winces.

  “But you were probably nice to all of them and signed autographs and took pictures with those fans, didn’t you?” I grin. “You really are a nice guy.”

  He quietly snorts a laugh and rolls his eyes.

  “You being here with me tonight proves you’re a nice guy,” I insist.

  “How so? Because being here with you - I see it as being extremely selfish.”

  “Selfish? No. I’m no one, an adoring fan. You don’t even know who I am.” I pause for a minute. “What are you doing here with me, Ryan? Cause I’m not sure. Are you bored? I keep expecting to wake up from this wonderful dream and be so tremendously disappointed.”

  He grabs my hand and stares into my eyes for a few seconds, like he’s looking into my soul. I have trouble catching my breath.

  “Olivia, this is not a dream. I am being very selfish.” He pauses. “I wasn’t going to get into this serious conversation yet. Yes, I’m being very selfish. I know you’re married and I should leave you alone after finding that out.”

  My heart sinks and I can’t look at him anymore. Instead I stare down at the table. Shit. Here we go. Now he’s going to tell me that I won’t see him anymore.

  “But I can’t,” Ryan whispers.

  What? My eyes fly up to his that are still watching me.

  “Do you feel it too, Olivia? There is something about you that draws me to you. Since you ran into me last night, I’ve been hooked. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and hoped I would be able to run into you again. Honestly, that’s why I was up so early this morning, hoping I could catch you before you left the hotel for the day. I have never felt this way about anyone else. It’s such a strong, overpowering connection. And… I am not going to let you get away from me,” he says matter-of-factly.

  He grins really big when he says that last part.

  I blink and struggle to process everything Ryan has just said. He does feel the connection! He cannot stop thinking about me. No, those are my feelings, not his. And what is this about not letting me get away from him?

  “You…you’re… um, you’re not letting me get away from you?” I say in disbelief.

  He sighs and looks at me cautiously. “Yes, that’s right. Olivia, look. I don’t want to scare you. I know none of this make sense. But if nothing else, I’d like us to at least be friends. We have an amazing connection. I don’t want to miss out on what we could have.”

  “Wow,” I whisper. I can’t think. I just hear myself repeat what Ryan said. He feels that connection that I feel. He wants to at least be friends. Does that mean he also is open to more? He doesn’t want to ignore what we have. AH! I have no words for what I feel.

  “Let’s put that aside right now and enjoy dinner. We’re just two people who want to get to know each other,” Ryan says.

  “How the hell can I put to the side, Ryan?” I ask. “You put it out there.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything yet. Don’t worry about it now. We have time. Concentrate on tonight and each other.”

  I try but I can’t put it aside like he asked. I am flipping out on the inside. Doing cartwheels. Jumping up and down that he feels the same way I do. What does this mean for me? Will Ryan continue to be in my life?

  The waiter comes in then and I don’t have a chance to say more. Our dinner arrives; it looks delicious. Ryan starts asking me about what I’m going to do while out in Vegas. Fortunately, we have no trouble finding things to talk about. We talk about our families. I tell him about my girlfriends – describing each one in detail. We ask each other tons of questions, likes and dislikes. Dessert and brandy – for Ryan - arrive. Ryan gazes at me. It looks like something is on his mind, but the look that’s on his face makes me feel that he’s apprehensive to say something.

  “Olivia, I have a request,” he finally says hesitantly. “I know you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve avoided this question until now, but it’s driving me crazy. I need to know. Will you please tell me about your marriage?”

  I grimace and look down at the table. I don’t want to talk about Craig. Talking about Craig is going to ruin the evening. Ryan’s going to think I am insane for staying with Craig so long. He senses my unwillingness.

  “Please Olivia?” he begs. “It will help me understand your situation better. Plus, I can give you a guy’s point of view.”

  I debate. Will he hate me when he hears my story and leave? I don’t want him to leave yet. But maybe he will understand and I won’t have to remember to not say certain things in front of Ryan. Finally, I give in. I can’t look at him, so I stare at my hands that are fidgeting with my fork and the dessert I can’t finish.

  “Ironically, tomorrow will be our 2-year anniversary
. And no, we’re not out here for our anniversary.”

  Ryan mumbles, “Thank God.”

  I quietly snort. “Trust me, Craig would not have thought about a trip for our anniversary. I’m actually shocked that we are out here now. Anyway, Craig was great when we first met, all the way through… oh, I guess the first six months of our marriage. We’d do lots of things together. He would pay attention to me. Seems liked he wanted to be with me. Slowly he started to change. Craig would go out with friends and crash at one of his buddie’s houses. At first, I didn’t have a problem with it. Since he had started acting different, I figured it would be good for him to get out with his friends and let off steam. Plus, I thought he was being safe – you know, not drinking and driving. But he took complete advantage of me not saying anything. There started to be many nights of him crashing at his buddie’s places. I should have said something, but he seemed better…happier. And as stupid as it sounds, I was afraid if I said anything he would go back to being how he was before.”

  If I’m going to continue, I need a drink. I push my dessert plate out of the way and grab my wine glass. I finish off my wine and set the glass down. Ryan refills it then grabs my free hand and methodically rubs his thumb over the back of it.

  “Thanks. Then came the little remarks that slowly ate away at my self-esteem. My hair looks messy, out of style or my outfits need to be more stylish. He flirted with tons of girls right in front of me.”

  I look at Ryan and give him a small smile.

  “That’s what he was doing last night. With me right there, he was asking what time the sales girl got off work and what she was doing later. Right in front of me! I got so pissed off at his flirting I had to get away from him and went storming out into the hall and right into you.”

  “I don’t blame you for being pissed. But I am sure grateful you ran into me,” Ryan says, bringing my hand up to his lips and kisses it.

  Oh, crap! I smile and laugh.

  “I celebrated my 30th birthday in December…,” I start.

  “What day?” Ryan interrupts.

  “The 1st.”

  Ryan nods. “Thank you. Continue, please.”

  “Before I get into the birthday evening, let me tell you about that morning. Craig hadn’t come home the night before. I was irate by the time he finally arrived home. We argued. He cornered me in the kitchen so I had to talk to him. Well, he got too close to me and I could smell women’s perfume on him. We fought about that and I stormed out before something bad really happened. I’ve never been a violent person, but that morning, I could have done some serious damage to him.”

  Ryan shakes his head in disbelief.

  “So that night, my friends planned a little gathering for me, dinner and clubbing. Anyway, at dinner, Craig surprised me with a present. This was an enormous surprise because Craig had never gotten me a present without me hinting to him what I want. If I didn’t hint at wanting anything, I wouldn’t get anything. I hadn’t said anything to him about a birthday present. By that point, I figured what was the point. Anyway, I open the box and there are plane tickets to Vegas. He said he had the whole trip planned. After the shock of this present wore off, I decided that he was trying to revive our marriage. I was very impressed with him. And I began to hope.”

  I have to stop and breathe a little. It really hurts telling Ryan everything. Bring everything up. Going thru it all again.

  “Then we went to the club. I watched Craig while we were there. I could tell he was waiting for someone. I finally gave up waiting to see who he was watching for but my friend Sarah saw a girl come in and Craig went right up to her. Then they promptly disappeared for a while. But I didn’t see anything so I couldn’t confront him about that.

  “However, the next day I gave him an ultimatum. I told him he needed to start acting like my husband, no more staying out all night otherwise we’re done. He actually started acting better. So, I hoped even more.”

  I stopped to control my emotions. Ryan stayed quiet and methodically rubbed my knuckles.

  “Last Saturday, I went out with my girlfriends before I came out here. Taylor told me that on the night we went out for my birthday, she caught Craig kissing that other girl he had been waiting for at the club. He begged Taylor not to say anything to me because he wanted me to go on this trip. Why? We still have not figured that out. Taylor also told me that last week while she was out on a date, she saw Craig and that same girl at a restaurant. They were ignorant to everything but themselves. Taylor and I talked and we decided that I should still come out here to Vegas with Craig to try to figure out why it was so important to Craig that I be here.

  “All of that, plus Craig not coming back to the room last night, not even leaving me a message have pushed me too far. I’ve never been more sure that I’m done with him. So, I have that to look forward to when I head home.”

  After I explain everything, I close my eyes and take a shaky breath. I pull my hand away from Ryan’s, put my head in both of my hands and rub my temples. I feel this awful pressure in my head and chest whenever I talk about my marriage. I will not cry. Craig is not worth it. Plus, I should prepare for Ryan to bolt, because who wants to deal with me and all my baggage?

  I feel Ryan’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Has he cheated on you before?” Ryan asks. He had been quiet while I told him the whole story.

  I snort and move my hands back down to the table.

  “Probably. There were times I thought so, you know that sixth sense, but I never had proof. I was so convinced he was cheating a few months ago that I had myself checked out for any diseases. Luckily I was clean. And we haven’t been intimate since.”

  I am trying so hard to not cry but it is a losing battle. A tear trickles down my cheek. Ryan catches it and whisks it away.

  “He’s the biggest flirt,” I continue. “Do you know what that did – what it still does to my self-esteem? It’s pretty much non-existent.”

  “Well, I’ll just have to help you gain back your self-confidence. No kids?”

  “No, thank God. Actually, the thought of having kids with him never crossed my mind. Maybe that should have told me something?”

  I take another long drink of wine, trying to numb the hurt. Ryan is watching me. He scoots his chair closer to me and lays his hand on mine.

  “I’m sorry you had to – still have to – deal with such a jerk. Do you want my opinion?”

  He waits for me to nod.

  “Craig is a f…an asshole. He should be strung up by his balls for treating you like he has been. Since you two haven’t been intimate for a while, I would say he’s getting it elsewhere. You are a very sweet and wonderful and beautiful person, Olivia. You need to get rid of him before he really hurts you and messes up your life even more. Since he didn’t go back to your room last night and you haven’t heard from him all day, it’s kind of obvious that he doesn’t care about what you think or feel. He is only thinking about himself.”

  I nod in complete agreement. “When I go back home, I’m kicking him out of my house and telling him I’m filing for divorce. No more putting up with his shit. I am curious if Craig will remember that tomorrow is our second anniversary.”

  “Why do you want him to remember? You’re done with him, right?”

  “I am so done with him,” I pause. “I just want him to feel guilty and remorseful for everything he’s done to me. For once, I want him to remember important events on his own. But none of that will happen.”

  “Well, I’ll be here and would love to do anything with you, since I have a feeling Craig is going to continue being an ass.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate that. And I’d really like to get together these next couple of days. I need a friend out here.”

  “Well, you definitely have that,” Ryan replies.

  Ryan finishes his brandy.

  “Would you like to walk around?” he asks.

  I am definitely not ready to leave him.

  “Yes, that would be wo
nderful.”

  We stroll around the hotel and casino. He holds his elbow out allowing me to slip my arm through his as we stroll around the botanical gardens and all over the casino floor. I thought it would be weird having Jeremy with us. But he blends in so well that I forget he is even with us.

  Ryan is very funny. He tells me stories about some of the acting jobs he’d had. About some of the pranks he pulled on cast members and ones that had been pulled on him, about the actors he likes to work with and who he doesn’t like to work with. He also tells me about some of the things he and his two older brothers used to do. These stories have me longing for a brother or sister.

  We walk around for about an hour and a half. We stop to watch the roulette table. I still have my arm tucked in Ryan’s and I am leaning in close to him. Suddenly, a flash goes off in our face. Once I can kind of see again, I realize the guy with the camera is the same guy that was following me this afternoon. Ryan and Jeremy start going after the guy, but the reporter just takes off running and gets lost in the crowd. Ryan motions to Jeremy to let the guy go. I think I heard him say ‘it’s not worth it’.

  Ryan puts his arm around me and makes me move. People saw the commotion and realize that Ryan Paxton is here and begin to crowd us. Jeremy blocks them and leads us through the crowd. Somehow we get away from them and duck out of sight.

  “Are you ok?” Ryan asks.

  “Yeah, I’m fine now that I’m not blind from that flash. That’s the guy that was following me this afternoon.”

  “Shit. I’m really sorry, Olivia.”

  “Oh, please. It’s nothing.”

  “Actually, it kind of is. Just to warn you, that picture will be all over the news by tomorrow morning.”

  Not believing him, I respond, “I’ll deal with it.” Why would anyone be interested in me? Ryan’s the one they are interested in.

  Avoiding as much of the main areas of the casino as possible, we slowly walk back to the elevators. Ryan is so wonderful, such a positive person and I can’t believe he listened to me about my marriage. And he hasn’t run away, at least not yet. He makes me feel young and alive again, like I was before the whole Craig situation.