Tonic

by Heather Lloyd

  Oh, shit. I was not planning on saying that. But I’m not thinking too clearly and just let anything fly out of my mouth. Obviously, my relationship with Ryan is weighing on my mind, too. Him leaving and breaking my heart is what terrifies me the most about Ryan. I can see it happening so easily.

  “I wouldn’t be able to…don’t you see? I have to be strong enough to survive all on my own.” I am almost hysterical again by the time I finish.

  Ryan is quiet. I wonder if I have shocked him with my brutal honesty. But I am glad he made me mad enough to say it. I’m glad it’s out there now. I can hear him breathing into the phone. When he speaks it’s soft but still oozing with anger.

  “Well, thank God you finally tell me the truth. I know you think it’s too soon for us to feel the way we feel for each other. I think it’s crazy too. It happened so fast. But Olivia, I care about you…so much, more than anyone else. I am not going to leave you. I honestly don’t think I could. I’m also scared of what we have. Something clicked in me when I met you. I was so happy when I was with you, feeling like I could conquer the world. When I had to put you on that plane this morning, I left the airport incomplete. And that scares the shit out of me.”

  I can picture him running his fingers thru the front of his hair while pacing around. My heart soars with his confession, but before I can say anything he continues.

  “I swear to God I will NEVER hurt you like that. I am not Craig. I didn’t mean to make you think that I will fly out to you at the drop of a hat to take care of you. And I didn’t mean to humiliate you or make you feel inferior, to make you think that I don’t believe you can handle Craig without a man. But even if it’s just talking on the phone, I want to help. I feel useless not being there with you.” I hear him blow out his breath. “I can’t believe you think that I could leave you and hurt you like that.”

  “That’s my insecurities and I have to deal with them. I’m trying to deal with them. I mean, think about it. I’ve had to deal with Craig the last two years, well more if you count the months we dated. I had a set back today; it really messed with me. I am livid with Craig. Having proof that he screwed around on me all throughout our relationship, it’s…I don’t even know. Degrading? My marriage was a joke, one that I wasn’t aware of. I feel ripped apart, and not to mention that I feel stupid and naïve for not seeing any of this. I’m so mad at myself. How could I have been so blind?”

  I think back to see if I could have…should have seen any traces of Craig’s cheating, but I can’t think of any.

  “But, I’m not some helpless person who can’t do anything for herself. I’ll work through this and survive.”

  “Oh god, Olivia. I want to be there with you so bad, to hold you and wipe away your tears. It kills me that I can’t be there with you. Please, at least talk to me and let me be concerned about you.”

  My heart gallops in my chest. There is so much upheaval in my life. What am I supposed to do with Ryan when I fall a little bit more in love with him every time I talk to him? Am I strong enough to let someone into my heart and risk everything again? Ryan IS completely different than Craig.

  “Yes, Ryan. You can be concerned and I value your opinion. And I will do my best to tell you what’s going on and how I feel about it. Just please don’t make it sound like I can’t take care of myself. If there is a time that comes when I do need you to come out here, I will ask you to come.”

  “Alright. I understand you need to do this on your own. I’m sorry if I made you sound like you were weak. I know you’re very strong. Please understand that I support you and all you have to do is ask if you need me. Ok?”

  “Yes, OK.”

  “Now, will you please tell me what you found today? Did I hear you correctly earlier? Did you say you found proof that he cheated on you throughout your marriage?”

  I groan. “Yes, before we were married, after we got married, the whole time.” I tell him about packing up the dresser drawers and finding the cigar box. I describe everything that’s in it.

  Ryan curses. “Don’t feel stupid. None of that is your fault. He didn’t want you to know and he hid it well. Maybe you should have said something to him about being gone all the time, but he wanted you to think he was out drinking not screwing around on you. I’m sorry you were the one to find the box.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  “Well, at least you won’t have to deal with him too much more. Have you heard anything from the ass?”

  “No. I called his friend Marc when Taylor and I got back from the airport.”

  Ryan made a sound, like I shouldn’t have done that, but I continue.

  “No, no. Really. It’s okay. He’s willing to take Craig’s things and let him know what’s going on. But get this. Marc said he wouldn’t call Craig until after we dropped off Craig’s things because he didn’t want Craig to bother us while we’re packing up.”

  “Well, that was nice. Too bad Marc didn’t rub off on Craig. I wish you didn’t have to talk to Craig at all,” Ryan says, concerned.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Part of me wants to confront him and find out what excuses he’ll give me.”

  “Don’t. You’ll just end up getting hurt some more.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. And today is not a good day to confront him either. I’m way too emotional.” I could just see how any conversation with Craig would go. I would be bawling the whole time I try confronting him. I would look like even more of an idiot and give Craig way too much ammunition to ignore my questions and fling insults back at me.

  “What time is your flight on Sunday?” I ask, changing the subject.

  “I fly out at eleven. It’s a quick flight,” he replies.

  “If I don’t talk to you tomorrow, will you call me when you get back to Los Angeles?”

  “Olivia. I will talk to you tomorrow and when I get back to Los Angeles. And probably sometime in-between.”

  “Ok” I say with a smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to answer my phone and talk with you. Confiding in you is going to take some getting used to. Now, I’d better go so we can finish boxing up Craig’s things. The sooner I get his crap out of here the sooner I will feel better.”

  “That sounds like a good idea. I’m sorry I got over protective of you. You know I care about you, and hate to see – or hear – you hurting.”

  “I forgive you. Just don’t make a habit of it,” I tease. “Oh and Ryan, I care about you – a lot – too.”

  “Good. I miss you so much, Olivia. So much that it hurts,” he breathes into the phone.

  I can barely take in a breath. I feel the tears coming on again. “Oh god, Ryan. You’re going to make me cry again. I miss you, too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

  “Call any time if you need to. Goodbye Beautiful.”

  I put my phone down and lay my head on the desk. What am I doing? I am getting rid of one guy and falling for another. Question is am I going to get hurt all over again. Ryan promises he will not hurt me. I just don’t have the answer because I barely know Ryan.

  Even though he isn’t physically with me, I do feel much better after talking to, and yelling at Ryan. He makes that stupid, little box seem not as bad as I first thought. He also makes me realize just how bad Craig’s behavior had gotten. Craig had never been protective of me. He had never asked how I felt, never cared how I felt and never wanted to hear about what was going on in my life. He only wanted to talk about himself. And now, when I look back at Craig’s behavior, it was bad from the very beginning. How could I not have seen that? Why did I let him get away with it? What is wrong with me?

  No use beating myself up about it. There is nothing I can do about it now and he’ll be gone soon enough. I shake it off. His stuff’s not going to pack itself. I get up and go to finish packing Craig’s things. I want him gone and out of my life now. I swear if I find any more boxes, I will not open them and derail me again.

  A couple hours later, we finally finish. While my helpers load up cars, SUVs and a smal
l trailer, I search through every inch of the house, making sure none of his things are left. Satisfied that I have everything, we drive it all over to Marc’s house. Again, Marc said he’ll call Craig so I wouldn’t have to deal with him. It really is too bad Marc didn’t rub off on Craig.

  The girls and I head back to my house. We order pizzas and drink lots of wine. Ally bugs me to tell her every little detail about Ryan and what it was like dealing with the paparazzi. I have already given her the picture of Ryan with an autograph on it plus Ryan wrote her a personal note. Ally is in heaven.

  “I can’t get over you being with Ryan Paxton,” Dhara says.

  “Well, I’m not really with Ryan.”

  “You hung out with him,” she argues. “And he calls you. You’re with Ryan.”

  “Hanging out with celebrities. That’s not something I thought would ever happen to someone I know, especially here in the Midwest. How does he kiss?” Claire asks.

  My face heats up.

  “What?! Why would you think I know how he kisses?”

  “Oh, please,” Ally says, with a calculating smile. “Taylor already told us that he kissed you.”

  “Taylor!”

  “Really, Olivia. You expected me to keep that to myself? I don’t think so,” Taylor smirks.

  I roll my eyes.

  “Plus, we’ve seen the photos the paparazzi took. One of them looked like he was kissing you,” Ally informs me. “Although I’m not quite sure because of the angle.”

  “Hmm. I guess you haven’t seen the photos from this morning. I’m sure a couple photos were taken while Ryan and I were saying goodbye at the airport. Ryan is a normal guy, a very decent and sweet man. And he’s a really good friend.”

  “Boring!” exclaims Ally.

  “Oh, come on, Olivia!” Dhara says.

  I giggle – actually giggle, like a school girl. “And he’s really hot! And gorgeous! And built! And the most amazing kisser.”

  “Ooh. I knew it!” Dhara sighs.

  “Will he come to visit you? Will we get to meet him?” Ally asks, hopeful.

  “There are no plans for him to come any time soon. But if he does, yes, you’ll all get to meet him. He asked me to go to an awards show with him in a couple weeks.”

  Damn it! I wasn’t going to mention the show at all. I got caught up talking about Ryan. It has been bugging me since he asked me. But now they won’t leave me alone about going.

  “What? Oh, oh, oh! I’m so jealous! You’re going to have so much fun,” Ally exclaims.

  “You told him you would go, right?” Sarah asks, studying me. She knows me too well and can tell I’m holding back.

  “I told him I would think about it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell him yes?” Taylor demands.

  “You didn’t tell him yes!” Ally exclaims at the same time. “Why wouldn’t you go? Just think of all the people you get to meet.”

  “I’m just not sure I want to go. There will be so many cameras and reporters and celebrities there. I wouldn’t fit in. I’d most likely stare at the other celebrities so much I’d embarrass Ryan,” I try to joke.

  Taylor and Sarah are both watching me, probably trying to figure out why I am making excuses.

  “You wouldn’t do that. You should go,” Ally argues with me. “Maybe I can go if you decide not to.” She raises her eyebrows a couple times.

  “I’ll tell Ryan you’re interested.”

  Taylor is still watching me, scrutinizing me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I make a face at her. She glares at me.

  “You know what I’m still confused about?” Sarah says.

  “What’s that?” I ask anxiously, thankful that she changed the subject.

  “Why did Craig spend money on the trip to get you out there, stay at the Bellagio – not an inexpensive hotel, then not spend time with you. Instead he meets up with Annabelle, sorry “the bitch”. Wouldn’t he want to share the Bellagio experience just with his girlfriend without you around? It doesn’t make sense.”

  That was the question of the century.

  “I know. I haven’t been able to figure out what’s up with the whole trip,” I reply. “…Other than to assume he did some major betting. Wasn’t the national championship football game earlier this week?”

  “I think it was. And that could be part of it. But it’s weird because it almost seemed like if you decided not to go on this trip, he wouldn’t be able to go either,” Taylor weighs in.

  “Right. And it’s so not like him to spend extravagantly when there are so many cheaper hotels in Vegas,” I add. “And for him to hire a limo to take use to the hotel. That is definitely not Craig.”

  We leave that subject unsolved since I didn’t find out anything while in Las Vegas, well, other than he is cheating on me with Annabelle. And that he spent a lot of money just so I would find out about them. We find it impossible to get it to add up.

  It was a wonderful, much needed evening with my girlfriends. Taylor is going to spend the night with me. She doesn’t want me to be alone. After the others leave, Taylor and I pick up then sit down to relax before going to bed.

  “So, how do you feel now that you kicked the asshole out?” Taylor asks.

  “It feels good, especially after finding that stupid cigar box.”

  “It’s a good lethargic step in your healing process,” she informs me.

  I shake my head in agreement.

  “Now, tell me the real reason you haven’t given Ryan an answer about going to the awards show?” Taylor insists.

  Oh, crap. No. She’s going to try to talk me into telling him yes.

  “Come on Olivia. If you didn’t want to talk about it, you shouldn’t have told us Ryan invited you in the first place. You know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This would be an awesome experience.”

  “I know.”

  “So why are you not eager to go?”

  “Oh Taylor. I’m scared. Terrified is more like it,” I say. I don’t even want to say it out loud.

  “Why are you terrified?” Taylor asks intrigued.

  “I’m scared of the feelings I already have for Ryan. He bulldozed me out in Vegas. Spending all this time with me. Saying he wants to be the one to replace Craig.”

  “Whoa! He said that?” Taylor interrupts.

  I nod. “If I spend more time with him, I’m going to fall in love with him. I can’t let him matter so much. I’ll be devastated when he breaks it this whole thing off.”

  “Olivia Sterling! You need to stop thinking that way right now,” she scolds me. “I hope you do fall in love with him. He’s obviously hooked on you. What would make you think that he would break things off with you?”

  “Taylor, come on. Why would Ryan Paxton want to be with me? I wonder if I was just a distraction for him out in Las Vegas. And when he returns to his normal life, he’ll just forget about me.”

  Taylor stares are me.

  “I know Craig has really messed with you these last couple years. Therefore, I’m not going to yell at you. Olivia, you are beautiful. Any man, and I mean any man, would be lucky to go out with you. Ryan Paxton is not going to forget you. You have made an impression on him. Hearing his voice mail today after your flight and him calling and yelling at you this afternoon tells me he is much more involved than you think. He cares. And I bet you a million dollars that if you told Ryan you needed him here, he would get his butt out here as fast as he could. I think you just need to relax and enjoy any time you are able to get with him. Go with him to the show. And then just see how things go.”

  I don’t say anything. I’m thinking through everything she has said. She has some good points.

  “Don’t answer now. Think about it. Talk to Ryan. He seems pretty reasonable and he knows what you’ve been going through with the asshole. The awards show is a once in a lifetime opportunity that you don’t want to miss out on”, she says. “Oh, and worrying about embarrassing yourself or Ryan, I think you’ll be so conscious of yourself, th
at you won’t do anything to embarrass Ryan or yourself.”

  Dammit. She is right. Even if this thing with Ryan doesn’t work out, how many chances will I get to go to the show and see all the celebrities? She has given me some good advice. I’ll have to think about it.

  Finally, Taylor gets up to go to bed. I sit on the couch for a while thinking. I am extremely relieved that we got Craig out of my house. Granted, I will deal with him when he gets back, but hopefully that’ll be the last time. Glancing at my phone I notice a text from Ryan.

  Friday, January 15, 2016 7:18pm

  Hi Beautiful. Just thinking about you.

  Oh! I melt and give him a quick call.

  “Hello my beautiful Olivia,” he answers. “What are you doing?”

  “I was just sitting here thinking about you, glanced at my phone and saw your text and decided to give you a quick call before I go to sleep.”

  “I like being the last person you think about before you go to sleep. Then you can have sweet or steamy dreams about me.”

  “Trust me. I don’t need to talk to you right before I go to bed to have sweet and steamy dreams about you.”

  Ryan lets out a loud, boisterous laugh.

  “God, I miss you Olivia.”

  We talk a little more about what Ryan did earlier today. Then I tell him I need to try to sleep and I’ll talk with him tomorrow.

  Ryan makes me so happy. He’s fun to be around. And there is that amazing connection. But he is just going to be a friend for now. I keep telling myself that. Yeah, right. I am not fooling anyone. I’m already falling for Ryan. I miss him like crazy and I just left him this morning.

  Chapter 7

  The next morning, Taylor and I go to a local diner for breakfast. She wants to make sure I’m not having any second thoughts about kicking Craig out. I assure her that there is no way in hell Craig is getting back into my life.