He ran a hand through his tousled hair, exasperated with himself, with her, with the whole situation. “Things I’m not able to give, okay?”
Now her hazel eyes narrowed. “Look, I don’t know what you were thinking was going to happen, but we were just kissing. That’s all. And that’s all I was planning on doing. I hadn’t planned to sleep with you and I’m sure not looking for a boyfriend.”
“I just didn’t want to hurt you after everything you’ve been through.”
Lila went utterly still beside him. Like, for a moment he wondered if she’d even stopped breathing. But then she let out a deep breath and looked at him. Her face was white as cream, so that her dark hair and brows stood out in stark contrast. So did her red lips. Van forced himself to focus on her expression.
She did not look happy.
“And how do you have any idea what I’ve been through?” Her voice was dangerously quiet, and Van felt like a man lost in the woods, surrounded by bear traps. One foot wrong and something nasty would snap shut on him.
He looked away, stalling for time. He shrugged. “People talk, I guess.”
Yeah, that so didn’t help the situation. Her eyes actually narrowed to little slits and her nostrils flared in anger. She crossed her arms across her chest. Fury was in every line of her body, nice as it was. She was practically quivering, like a tuning fork.
“Which people?” Her voice was soft, a cat’s claw in a velvet glove.
He didn’t say anything for a long minute, just kept staring out the window. Finally she shouted, “VAN! Who told you?” She stood up, walking into his line of sight. “It was Gretchen. She’s the only one up here who knows.”
He stood up, careful not to loom over her. “She was worried about you…with me. She thought I should know since it seemed like we might hook up.” He held up his hands. “She was just trying to help.”
Lila’s face went from white to red in an eye blink as an angry flush moved over her skin. Her voice was so cold, Van thought the room’s temperature dipped by several degrees. “I’ll be sure to tell her what I think of her help when I see her.”
Chapter Thirteen
Lila walked toward the library, her mind still on the lecture in her psychology class. It was one of her favorite courses, one she got excited about. Today’s class had delved into the psychology of fairy tales, the meanings behind them, and how they could be interpreted in a post-modern way. The prof had given them a number of texts to read as additional research and Lila couldn’t wait to get started on it.
She climbed the steps to the library, grateful for the dark and quiet after the frenetic energy and noise of the quad. Lila had always loved libraries; she felt comfortable and safe inside their walls. She passed by the large circulation desk and found an empty table. After dumping her things¸ she went in search of the materials.
She came back with arms full of journals and books. Lila sat down, her mind focused on sorting through the different materials, putting the books available for check out in one pile and the ones she’d need to copy in another. She loved the simplicity of it; it allowed her mind to think about other things.
She was angry with Gretchen. Lila hadn’t confronted her about what she’d told Donovan, but she planned to when she wasn’t so upset. Right now, she wasn’t sure could do more than yell out an inarticulate, “ARRRGGGH!” Lila knew that her best friend meant well, but she wasn’t a charity case. Gretchen didn’t need to protect Lila, and she certainly didn’t need to involve herself in Lila’s love life. Not that there was much of one.
Finishing her sorting, Lila sat down to read through what articles she could. She looked around at the other students seated at other tables, some talking, some texting, some reading and studying. Lila took a moment to relax, to enjoy the strange camaraderie she felt with these random strangers. She hadn’t spent much time at State’s library, not because she hadn’t wanted to but because Tyler didn’t like it. He didn’t like her being out of his sight, and he certainly didn’t like her being somewhere she could meet someone else.
She tried to put thoughts of Tyler out of her mind. In a way, he was still always with her: in the way she kept flinching away from people, the way she jumped at loud noises, the way she felt she had to hide away parts of herself. He’d made her small—and she’d let him. It was sometimes hard to remember who she had been before Tyler.
Flipping open one of the texts, she saw a beautiful illustration of The Sleeping Beauty. Lila traced some of the swirls in the fabric of the embroidered blanket with her index finger. That’s what she felt like: Sleeping Beauty. Asleep for so long; in many ways, still asleep as she tried to figure out who she was now, post-Tyler. Why didn’t the fairy tale deal with how hard it was to wake up? What were you supposed to do if you never did?
Turning the page, Lila reread the story, so different from the Disney version she’d grown up knowing. With the story fresh in her mind, she picked up the first article, notebook open beside her. She put aside thoughts of Gretchen, Tyler, and Donovan and focused on the reason why she was here: school.
She made it through four articles and had taken pages of notes when the presence of someone close by forced her to look up. The library had emptied out; when Lila checked the sky through the windows, twilight had fallen. Gretchen stood at the end of the table, arms crossed over her chest.
Lila rubbed at eyes gritty from reading. “What’s up?”
“I ran into Van.” Gretchen had never been one to beat around the bush.
Sighing, Lila pushed herself to her feet. “Let me make these copies and we can talk on the way home.” She knew she wasn’t going to get out of talking about anything, even if she wasn’t ready. Gretchen was not going to be put off.
With the copies made and journals returned to the front desk, Lila gathered up her things. Gretchen helped her carry the armload of books she’d checked out. They pushed open the large double doors. Lila winced as the cold wind cut through her like a blade. Fall was just beginning, but it wasn’t playing around. She gathered her light jacket closer to her and set a brisk pace.
“Have you been avoiding me?” Gretchen asked after they’d walked in silence for a few minutes.
Lila shook her head. “Not really. I’ve got a couple of papers due. Had to do some research.”
Gretchen glanced over at her, doubt written plain on her face. “You sure about that?”
She didn’t say anything for a few moments, unsure what to say. Yes, she had been avoiding Gretchen. Finally she said, “You shouldn’t have told Van.”
Gretchen paused, her steps slowing. Then she caught up to Lila who hadn’t stopped walking. “I know.”
Lila didn’t look at her, just kept her gaze on the street ahead of them. They still had a few blocks to go before they hit their apartment. Finally she asked, “So why did you do it?”
The tall blonde sighed, hoisting the books she held into a more comfortable position. “I didn’t want to see you get hurt.” The again hung unspoken in the air between them.
“I don’t want to get hurt again either,” she said in a tone that she would use to explain something to a particularly slow child. She gave Gretchen a stern look. “It wasn’t your story to tell. If I thought he’d needed to know, I would have told him myself.”
Gretchen raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Really?” There was a challenge in her voice. “Because I find that hard to believe, considering you barely even talk about it with me and I’m your best friend!”
Lila’s gaze skipped down the street, looking to see if anyone was nearby. She didn’t want a whole crowd of people overhearing what looked to be a massive argument. Thankfully, the streets were mostly empty. Those that passed them didn’t look interested in staying around to listen.
“I don’t need to talk about it,” she snapped. “I’m fine.”
Gretchen made a scoffing noise in the back of her throat. “Oh yeah, you’re terrific. Nightmares, jumping at everything—do you want me to go on with all
the ways you’re NOT okay?” She shrugged her shoulders. “You seemed interested in Van, so I thought I should give him a heads up. Let him know that you weren’t someone who was up for his usual one-night stand.”
Part of Lila felt disappointed to hear about Van and one-night stands. He seemed like a nice guy, one of the good ones. Then again, Tyler had too, and everyone knew how badly that turned out. Maybe her asshole detector was broken. Still, Gretchen was making some assumptions about what she wanted that needed to be put in check. She loved Gretchen dearly, but to say the girl was invested in her friends’ lives was an understatement.
“What if I had wanted just a one-night stand?” Lila kept her voice even, trying to sound casual even though the thought of letting someone get that close terrified her. “Ever think of that?”
Gretchen stopped abruptly and stared at her as if she’d grown a second, evil head. “Seriously?” She frowned. “Stop bullshitting me.” Her voice indicated she didn’t appreciate Lila’s statement.
Lila shrugged, trying to appear more casual than she actually felt. “Look, I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t even want one. But some simple, mindless fun? Where’s the harm in that?” And making out with Van had been fun. She’d felt normal for the first time in a long time.
Too bad it got all caught up in her baggage.
Gretchen’s eyes grew round. “Oh,” was all she said. “I…uh… never thought to hear that from you.” She looked abashed, ducking her head and not meeting Lila’s eyes. “I didn’t know.”
Lila shrugged again. She took a deep breath and then the words just popped out of her mouth. “It was nice to be touched again. I…I didn’t think it could be, you know?” She began walking again, faster this time. Gretchen caught up easily. “I thought that maybe, I don’t know, I’d remember Tyler or something. But I didn’t.”
They walked in silence for a few minutes, Gretchen’s long legs keeping pace with Lila’s quick steps without issue. Finally, Lila spoke, her eyes trained on the trees in front of her, “It’s hard.”
Her friend was quiet, letting her take her time with getting out what she wanted to say. It was the first time Lila had said more than a few sentences about how her relationship with Tyler was still affecting her. She still felt weird talking about it—she’d spent so long NOT talking about it that it was like some kind of habit now.
“I just want to go back to feeling like I did before I ever met him,” she began, her words halting. “I keep wondering when I’ll wake up, like I’m caught in a dream. I wonder when I’ll feel like me again.” She juggled her books into one arm so she could gesture at herself with the other. “I don’t recognize who this person is—or how I let myself get this way.”
“What way?” Gretchen’s voice was soft, sound made velvet.
Lila swallowed, feeling the tightness at the back of her throat and down her neck. She would not cry, damn it. A deep breath in through her nose, and then she said, “Sad and scared and just…wrong.”
“Are you scared that he’s going to come after you?” Again the softness, as if all of the harsh edges had been burnished from her voice.
Lila shook her head, thinking. That wasn’t the largest part of her fear, although the thought of seeing him sent a frisson of fear through her stomach. She didn’t trust him to keep his word, considering the promises and threats he’d made when he’d come to see her at the hospital. But she didn’t think he would risk his reputation.
But he was calling her. And emailing her. She wanted nothing to do with him, but that didn’t look likely to happen. And, if she was honest with herself, she really had no idea how to deal with it.
“Do you really think I should talk to somebody?” Lila asked her roommate, her voice so soft she didn’t know if Gretchen would hear her.
The blonde didn’t answer right away. Instead she took Lila’s hand in hers, lacing their fingers together. When she answered, it was just as soft. “It couldn’t hurt, Lila.”
Lila closed her eyes. After a moment, she breathed out one word. “Okay.”
Chapter Fourteen
“Time to get up!” Gretchen shouted from the other side of Lila’s closed door. She banged on the offending door just for emphasis.
Lila bolted up in bed, blinking owlishly. She’d worked a closing shift at the coffee shop and then had a hard time getting to sleep. She bunched her hair into her fist and shoved it back out of her face. She really needed to look into getting a haircut when she was home for Thanksgiving. “I’m up!” she shouted back, rubbing sleep from her eyes.
Gretchen burst in, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. She wore a fleece vest over it. Lila thought she looked like an L.L. Bean catalog picture come to life. “Get dressed. We’re hitting the park.”
Lila yawned into her palm. She peered at her clock. It was only a quarter past ten. “What? Why?” It was a Saturday for God’s sake. What was so urgent that they had to be up and functional before coffee? It was her one full weekend off for the month. She had planned to relax.
“It’s a gorgeous day, the sun is shining, and the gang is heading out to the park to hang and cook out.” Gretchen grabbed the end of the comforter and yanked it off Lila. “And you are not going to spend it hiding out in the apartment.”
“I do not hide out in the apartment,” Lila said, bristling. It was far too early to deal with Gretchen’s interventions and sweeping opinions. “But I wasn’t planning on moving until at least noon.”
“Not on my watch.” She plopped down on the bed, her blonde hair in a neat braid down her back. “It’ll be fun.”
“I have homework.” Lila had planned to head to the library today to get some more of the reading material she needed for her upcoming psychology paper.
Gretchen rolled over until she was on her back, hands pillowing her head. “You saw The Shining, right? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?” She gave Lila a significant look. “Same holds true for Lila. One day of fun is not going to kill you.” When Lila appeared unmoved, Gretchen took on a wheedling tone. “I promise, I’ll even study at the library with you tomorrow. Just come grill out with us today.”
“You’re not going to let me go back to sleep, are you?” Lila rolled her eyes upward, as if beseeching a higher power to take pity on her and smite Gretchen just a little bit.
Her roommate nodded, sitting back up. “Nope.”
“Fine. Let me shower and feel human.”
Gretchen bounced off Lila’s bed in a flurry of braid and limbs, allowing her roommate to get up and stagger to the shower. The hot water revived Lila somewhat and her herbal shampoo got rid of the coffee and wet milk smell from her long hair. When she stepped out of the shower in a cloud of steam, she felt closer to normal than she had when she was rousted out of bed. She squeezed the excess water from her hair and began her abbreviated process of getting ready.
Half an hour later, she emerged from her room, dressed in clothes suitable for a day outdoors. Gretchen was leafing through her science book. She looked up and grinned when she saw Lila. “Finally!”
“I didn’t even dry my hair,” Lila said, gesturing to the somewhat uneven braid that trailed down her back. “But I’m as close to ready as I’m likely to get.”
“Awesome.” Gretchen grabbed her keys. “We’ve got to pick up the bread and chips.”
A stop by the grocery store and another at the Biscuitland drive-thru for breakfast biscuits and caffeine, and they were on their way. Lila was content to let Gretchen drive, keeping her eyes on the scenery as they headed out of town. There was a lake with a state park abutting it about twenty minutes away. This would be her first time there, but Lila knew most everyone headed out there when the weather was nice. She hoped they could score a picnic area with a grill.
Van and Ryan were already there, along with several others from the track team. Lila recognized some of the girls from having seen them at Gretchen’s practices. The guys she was less familiar with, but she had seen a few in pa
ssing while out with G and Van. Grabbing the bags of food, they joined the group in a large field with two picnic tables and grill bordering the side closest to the parking lot.
Greetings and introductions were bandied about. Lila nodded at Ryan, and joined Gretchen and Van at the table. “Hey,” she said, when she came level with Van. The sight of him made her stomach clench, remembering that afternoon in his apartment. She tried to sound casual. She wanted to forget about the whole stupid mess. “How’s it going?”
He stretched, revealing a slip of the smooth skin on his stomach when his shirt rode up. “Pretty good.” He grinned. “I hear you sang with Full Dangle.”
Lila felt her eyes drawn to his abs, and was grateful when he lowered his arms and his shirt slid back down. Her gaze skipped up to his face at the mention of Greg and Jason. “How’d you hear about that?” she asked, surprised.
“I have a class with Jay’s girlfriend. She mentioned a coffee girl who sang with them at their last gig at Java Joe’s. Figured it was you.”
Gretchen fixed her with a fierce glare, but Lila ignored her. “Yeah, it was just a spur of the moment thing.” She shrugged. “Not sure if it will happen again.”
“Well, Jay and Greg were raving about you. Maybe next time I’ll get to hear you.”
“Maybe.”
“Football!” Ryan yelled, tossing an old Nerf football into the air. It had seen better days.
The group divided into teams for touch football. Gretchen stripped off her vest and Lila wriggled out of her sweatshirt and they took off down the field. When everyone was in place, Ryan threw the ball at the line. A guy named William caught it and began running. Lila and the others on their team ran interference as the opposing team ran towards him. Van pulled out ahead of the pack quickly, zeroing in on William. Gretchen was after Van in a second, matching his pace and bobbing and weaving to keep him from getting close to their receiver.
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