Breathing Space

by S. J. Higbee

  I fumbled with the ties and pulled off the veil. Because what I had to say next couldn’t be said behind a mask.

  Mum’s eyes widened, while I ran my fingers through my flattened hair. Wish I didn’t look like a helmet-headed merc.

  “You’re all grown up,” she whispered. “The image of Bella…”

  “Who?”

  “My sister – Bella. You never knew her.” Judging by the finality in Mum’s voice, I never would.

  The baby stirred and pulled away, fixing me with a wide stare as milk dribbled down its chin. Mum covered herself up and handed the baby across to Lnard, who deftly propped it up over his shoulder, gently patting its back, until he was rewarded by a loud burp.

  “Good baby,” I commented, recalling Jake and Luke’s endless colicky screaming.

  “Oh, she’s a perfect little poppet,” cooed Mum, fixing her with a love-doped gaze.

  “She must be. You used to hate the baby stage.”

  “I know! Those poor boys – I was a wretched excuse for a mother. Thank the blue heavens, they had you. And that I’ve now got the chance to tell you how grateful I am for all the times you were there for them, when I wasn’t. And how sorry I am that I stole your childhood from you. It was very wrong,” her voice trembled as she wiped her eyes.

  “It’s smooth,” I muttered to the floor, uncomfortable with this weepy, repentant model. And hoping underneath this softer Mum, the hard-edged, angry version hadn’t completely disappeared. With what was around the corner, she’d need all that strength.

  She shook her head, still snivelling. “It isn’t. What I did was unforgivable—ˮ

  “You’re right. It was. Unforgivable – and yet here you are. Crying at me and wanting just that. My forgiveness. Wanting to pull me back there so you can hear me tell you that it wasn’t so bad after all.” My voice was getting louder, “Well I can’t. Because it was. And I deal with it by not thinking too much about it. And yet there were parts I really, really must’ve missed. Because I travelled halfway across the galaxy to tell you that Eddy… he’s on his way. He’s threatened to space you. And the boys. And after what he did at Hawking – I reckon he means it.”

  Lnard scrambled to his feet, while she locked looks with me. I was relieved to see the tears had stopped.

  “When?” her voice was calm. Cool.

  “I don’t know. I… we got here as fast as we could. I know he couldn’t have managed it any quicker. So that gives us a few days, maybe even as long as a week to prepare.”

  As she nodded, I could see flickers of the old Mum, as she took a breath and stood up. “We’ll need to tell John. Get the boys away.”

  “He’ll only claim you’re trying to frighten him into stepping away from the case,” said Lnard.

  “What case?”

  Mum sighed. “John is claiming that I’m an unfit mother, citing my adulterous and shameless behaviour as grounds. And is suing for sole custody of the boys.”

  What! “Why? He was never interested in any of us as we were growing up.”

  “Ah, but that was before he was a rising star in the local Tru-Church,” Lnard’s tone was acid. “He now needs more young followers to march around pestering folks and ad-zapping them with Tru-Faith ‘facts’.” He glanced towards the door. “I’d better get back to the store, hon.” He started to hand the baby back to Mum.

  I held out my arms. “May I?”

  He hesitated.

  “Oh, she’ll be fine.” Mum waved a hand in my direction, adding, “She was looking after the real thing when her friends were playing with dolls.”

  I didn’t have any friends. There wasn’t time – I was too busy looking after the real thing.

  I gathered the small body to me, the scent of baby musk and milk loosening a knot at the back of my mind. “She needs changing.” I walked across to a pink-toned changing station, complete with mobile and sparkling lightshow that activated the minute I put her down in the middle of the squashy cushion. After checking out exactly where everything was, I had her sleep gown off, cleaned her up and a fresh nappy pad back on in no time flat. “Where are the boys now?” I asked as I was putting a clean gown on the now gurgling baby, in between cooing and blowing raspberries at her.

  “Matt and Sammy are at helix practice,” Mum paused. “Luke will be at art therapy.”

  The broken one… I flinched at the memory of Norman’s blunt description of Luke, after he’d been tortured by Eddy.

  “We’re picking them up on the way home. Why don’t you come back with us? Have a family reunion.”

  I shook my head. “Thank you, but no. It’s been a hard journey. I’m not alone – I’ve two companions. The boys mustn’t know who I am.” I gently tickled the baby’s soft cheek while she squinted at her tiny starfish fingers. “It’s a great big secret, isn’t it, sweetie,” I cooed. “What’s her name?”

  “She’s called Jessica Elizabeth Farview.”

  My robe thrashed around my legs as Jessica started burbling. My namesake! I’ve a namesake – they called their baby daughter after me!

  Yeah, wonderful. Now can you concentrate on keeping my robe from flying up over my head? Or Baby Jessica could end up being choked in the folds. My robe fell in obedient folds around my feet in a heartbeat.

  “How is the Cap going to cope with the three of them? He’s even less capable of looking after them than—” I broke off, before hurriedly adding, “I’m guessing Jake is now off studying somewhere.”

  “And staying with his father during the holidays. Doesn’t want any part of the whore of Babylon, as he’s taken to calling me.” Mum’s grin was undercut by the grief in her eyes.

  I gathered Baby Jessica to me, breathing in her adorable essence. “He’s – what? Rising twenty and male, so knows everything about everything. Give him time and he’ll likely come round when Life’s taken a few lumps out’ve that cocky machismo.”

  “Let’s hope so.” Mum didn’t sound convinced.

  “Look at me.” I gently swayed as Baby Jessica snuffled into my shoulder, boneless and trusting. “I swore I’d never wear my eyes out on you again, yet here I am.”

  “He promised to take good care of you,” her voice was low and I knew we were no longer talking about the Cap. “He did… didn’t he?”

  Oh yeah. Right up until I realised he was about to kill me. “It was fine,” I said.

  She gave me a kicked-puppy look. “John had lined up a swathe of suitable suitors all panting to marry you, even after he’d lost Star. He never planned to allow you to accompany us back to Earth. Reckoned it was your fault that Eddy turned out such a mess…”

  “That’s a pile of steaming cycler dirt! I was away on Star when Eddy started in on Luke.” Baby Jessica whimpered. “So, so sorry, beautiful, didn’t mean to holler in your ear,” I whispered, stroking her silky neck till she slid back into sleep.

  “Yes, well, no one could claim John was anything other than a wannabe version of William Norman, without the thinking equipment to come close,” Mum said.

  “You got her off to sleep in no time flat!” Lnard said, as he entered, followed by Cerk and Wynn, who was busy tugging off his veil.

  Cerk shook Mum’s hand. “It’s easy to see where Elizabeth gets her looks from. A pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”

  I was expecting Mum to roll her eyes, instead she blushed like some teen and muttered she hoped the journey hadn’t been too trying, before turning to Wynn. “An honour to meet you. May I say what a fan I am of your work. Hope you’ve got your tools, cos as soon as we’ve got…” She waved a hand in my direction. “…this nasty affair stowed away, we can arrange a tour for you. Anywhere you want to go. Your work is creating real reverb in all the right circles…” Watching my Mum gush was awkward. Especially when the bod being gushed over was Wynn, who was grinning, his blue eyes sparkling as he sucked up her praise. Before flicking a glance in my direction, clearly checking if I’d heard Mum in fan-mode.

  I grinned back, suddenly aware how st
arved he’d been of any sort of approval for far too long. Especially given how talented he was. And it didn’t hurt that he also looked like a holostar – the robe really suited him once he shed that dregging veil.

  I looked around the crowded room for Baby Jessica’s crib, which was tucked in the darkest corner away from the door and any draughts. While Mum, with Lnard now joining in, was still engrossed in giving Wynn all the feedback from their enthusiastic clients, I gently eased the baby from my shoulder and into her crib, loosely tucking the blanket around her.

  Ooo’s a bootifool ickle baby, den? Having Jessica babbling baby talk in my head was only a tad better than having her screaming insults at the top of her very loud voice. I could just eat you all up, Angel-face.

  Get a grip! She’s a baby. They’re all cute when they’re asleep.

  It was useless. Gone was the snippy teen, replaced by a typically mushy-mouthed English female, who wanted to hover over the sleeping baby, exclaiming over her perfect little face, her wispy curls, her adorable tiny fingers… So it was something of a relief, when Lnard reminded Mum they needed to leave in order to collect the boys.

  I hugged Mum and Lnard, before pulling my veil back on, a bit numb. Overall, the meeting had gone well, though it was still a shock to think of Mum snagged with Lnard. And that I had a brand new half-sister.

  As we traipsed out to the waiting taxi, I recall thinking, You never know what’s behind the next wormhole. Which was only too true – I didn’t.

  *

  Our room was clean and well appointed, considering the very reasonable tariff and the unimpressive exterior. Earth prices were difficult to gauge. We’d given the dregging taxi driver a minor fortune for a couple of short journeys, yet here we were, paying a relative pittance for accommodation.

  “Probably because there’s no extra cost for air,” suggested Wynn, when I mentioned it.

  “I’ll check the room for scanware,” volunteered Cerk.

  I blinked. “Are such practices common on Earth?”

  “No,” he replied, “but it does happen. And given this isn’t high-end and I haven’t stayed here before, it’s best to be safe.”

  Is he jabbing at me for not choosing to stay at the Hilton? I didn’t know – he wasn’t the easiest bod to read. Though I was past caring too much about it, relieved to have got through the first tricky confrontation with Mum and looking forward to sinking into a normal-sized bed to catch up on half a lifetime of lost sleep.

  Until Wynn put a hand on my shoulder. And suddenly sleep was the last thing on my mind. When – finally – Cerk announced the room was scan-free, wished us a good evening, and the door hissed shut behind him, I turned to Wynn and reached for his veil, as his strong, deft fingers started unfastening mine. It took far too long to shed the Gaiast clothing, which seemed to be fighting back, as I tried yanking his robe off.

  We’d already worked out the more we struggled with the dregging things, the more they resisted, so I let go. Which was when Wynn leaned in and kissed me. A slow sweet kiss. The sort that trickled exciting warmth across my body and knocked the breath from my lungs. While I ran my hands over his muscled torso and flanks through the robe.

  His eyes blazed blue fire as he looked down at me, smiling. “Hello, Lizzy.”

  I grinned back up at him, tingling with happiness and anticipation. “Hi lover.”

  “Here I am – puttyplas in your hands. Again,” his voice was husky.

  “What’s puttyplas?” I closed my eyes, his fingers rasping across my breasts as if the robes weren’t there.

  “Soft sculpting material you can mould any which way,” he murmured, nuzzling my neck.

  I leaned in for another kiss, pushing myself against his body. “Can’t be the same then – cos there’s nothing soft here…”

  And indeed, there wasn’t.

  *

  I surfaced to the com trilling, the following morning just after zero six hundred hours, local time.

  “Yes?” I double-checked to ensure I wasn’t on vid-mode, given I was only wearing Wynn’s arm draped across my waist.

  “Hello there, Sister. My apologies for disturbing you.” Mum didn’t sound remotely sorry.

  “As it happens, you woke me up.”

  “I was beginning to worry. I sent you an invitation to come and have lunch with us, yesterday evening. And when I didn’t hear back...” her voice was tight with irritation.

  “It was a hard journey. Once we arrived here, we crashed.” I wasn’t brimful of friendliness, either. Not a solitary word in nearly five years and now she’s acting like I was a teen on a first date.

  “Oh. Well, then… I’d better let you get more rest, I suppose. Would you like lunch with us? There’s a really good eatery just up the road. Thought we could catch up. We didn’t see all that much of you yesterday.” Her voice dragged with longing.

  Probably thought she’d never see me again – she only wants to link up, is all. “That would be smooth. I’d like to go over your security, so why don’t we come over mid-morning? Say… ten thirty, local time?”

  “Oh yes! That would be prime. And… Sister?”

  “Yes?”

  “I am sorry for disturbing you.”

  “It’s fine. Really.” And suddenly it was, because Wynn had woken up alongside me, a sleepy grin on his face.

  Maybe it was the long, lonely years apart, when I’d grieved, then yearned for him. Maybe it was the knowledge that shortly it was all going to get messy and dangerous, again, but I found him irresistible. Even after my body was aching, my lips kiss-chapped and swollen – the mere sight of him walking across the room had my desire for him flaring, once more. It could’ve been outright embarrassing if he didn’t clearly feel the same way.

  One of the major advantages of staying in our room without wearing the Gaiast veil, was that I could access my augs. Which meant I was able let Cerk know we’d be having brekkie in our room and meeting up at ten.

  After several goes at getting out of bed and taking a joint shower, I was in the middle of hauling on my robe, when the icon for one of my secure priority channels bleeped.

  “Sister? You there?” Eileen’s voice faded in and out, crackling with the background radiation. “Status update.”

  “Hallo there, Sister,” I replied, sitting on the edge of the bed alongside Wynn, trying not to sound too thrilled to hear her voice. After all I was still playing the part of a Gaiast priestess. “Update on the latest crops, please.” I held my breath, hoping to hear that they were all thriving and pest-free, which meant my security detail were having a smooth, uneventful voyage.

  “The plants are…” Interference popped across the next few words. “…the latest graft is causing concern. It hasn’t acclimatised well. Our assistant gardener is recommending that we cull this crop before we have to present it at Earth customs, but there are complications. The head gardener doesn’t agree.”

  I stared across at Wynn, who raised his eyebrows, clearly adrift.

  “Cerk’s security girlie has majorly fallen foul of Chris,” I muttered in a hurried undertone. “He’s looking for permission to shed her before they reach Earth, but Hugo Gently is against the notion.”

  “That all he’s looking for? Cos from where I’m sitting, it sounds more like Eileen and Chris want you to yaysay his shovelling her out the airlock.” Wynn was stone-faced with disapproval.

  I rolled my eyes. “We’re using code in case anyone has hacked our channels. No one’s spacing anyone out’ve any airlock.”

  I was relieved to see him relax into a grin.

  “Yeah, well maybe I’ve a tendency to turn a sunspot into a supernova where mercs are concerned.”

  “Sister? You still there?” Amongst the background clatter of static, Eileen’s voice sounded strained.

  “Yes, I’m here, Sister. Considering your request. Where in Humanspace are you?”

  “On a fast cruiser, heading inwards.”

  Something’s off. Eileen should be sounding o
n the smug side of happy they are making such good time and she isn’t. Neither is she volunteering any details… A niggle of fear tightened, as I took a breath. “Reception here is intermittent. Negative on culling that graft. Though handle with care and keep covered up, away from the light as much as possible until you arrive. When is your ETA?”

  “Expect to hear a firm update sometime after midnight, the day after tomorrow.”

  P’s code for between 1600 and 1700 hours. Which means that Cerk’s wretched girlie guard is probably in the room listening to this, her sorry ears flapping like a wind-snagged rag. “Till then. And don’t bother to make a note of this location. It absolutely isn’t permanent.” More P’s code. Hopefully Eileen understands this is our current base…

  “Till then, Sister. Stay safe,” she replied and the connection died before I had a chance to answer.

  And although the bright yellow African sun stippled the walls and floor with spatters of heat from my home star, I shivered. Despite Wynn’s loving presence… despite the improvement in my relationship with Mum… this was no holiday. I was here because my mad half-brother had vowed bloody vengeance on those I loved. And I couldn’t shift the clenched feeling in my gut that it was going to end badly.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  I walked through the middle of the showroom at Farview Importers later that morning wishing I wasn’t there. Anywhere else in the sodding galaxy looks good right now.

  Cerk’s muttered curse said it all. I felt the familiar wash of shame at my family’s behaviour, cravenly grateful for once that I couldn’t see Wynn’s face under his veil. Give him his due, he didn’t let go of my hand.

  “…give me that bilgecrud!” Lnard was in full rant mode. “You’ve been threatening to close us down for months! Defaming our reputation, pouring poison about the business and Abi and me to anyone’d listen!”

  The Cap’s sneer was solid English hauteur. “You are raving. As if I’d demean myself by sabotaging the business I helped set up.” His hand gesture implied that none of this would exist without his invaluable input.