The Uncertain Years

by Beryl Matthews

  After a short delay the weather cleared enough, and on 6th June the huge armada sailed for France. Becky had not yet been able to see the Hammonds as no one was allowed to leave the camp.

  ‘I don’t like the look of that.’ Alice frowned when she saw the lines of ambulances waiting to be called upon. ‘Will you be driving one?’

  ‘I’ve been asked to stand by. With most of the men gone drivers are in short supply. The hospital is on full alert to receive casualties.’ Becky was worried sick. ‘I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight.’

  ‘Nor me. Has Will told you he’s asked me to marry him?’

  ‘No, but I guessed he’s in love with you. What did you say?’

  Alice sighed. ‘I couldn’t commit myself. I already wear one ring around my neck, and I didn’t want to make it two. Think me foolish, Becky, but I felt it would be bad luck to think of the future, and by doing so I would be putting Will into danger.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re foolish at all,’ Becky said gently. ‘I understand, and so would my brother.’

  ‘He did, and I do hope the war is over soon so we can all get back to a normal life. Have you decided what you’re going to do when it’s finally over?’

  Becky shook her head. ‘Like you I can’t make a decision at the moment. All we can do is wait and pray that all those we love come through this. Then perhaps we’ll be able to sort ourselves out.’

  ‘You’re right. Fancy a drink?’

  ‘No thanks, Alice. If you don’t mind I think I’ll try and get some rest.’

  ‘Good idea. See you tomorrow.’

  Sleep was elusive, but Becky did manage to doze fitfully on and off, until they were roused at four o’clock in the morning. She tumbled out of bed as the sergeant yelled, ‘All drivers assemble at once!’

  They soon found out that the waiting ambulances were about to be put into use, and every available driver was needed. Nurses and doctors were streaming on to the camp from the nearby military hospital. The vehicles were manned in grim silence. Becky followed the ambulance in front of her as they made their way to the ships bringing in the wounded.

  Over the next three days she made many journeys, struggling all the time to remain detached from the suffering so she could do her job. It was the hardest thing she had ever had to do in her life, and she thought she was managing quite well until the end of another gruelling day. She had returned to the camp to get the ambulance filled with petrol for another trip, and was fumbling with the cap when the sergeant stopped her.

  ‘Get something to eat, and rest,’ he told her.

  ‘I’m not hungry, and I’m not tired. I can do another trip.’

  ‘Look at your hands, Corporal Adams.’

  Glancing down she saw that her hand was shaking badly, and fought to control the tremors, but without success.

  ‘Get some rest, and that’s an order. Someone else can take over for you.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Sergeant.’ She felt ashamed.

  ‘Don’t be,’ he said kindly. ‘Report back in twenty-four hours.’

  ‘Yes, Sergeant.’ She turned away, not sure what to do or where to go.

  ‘You’re not the only one to be feeling the strain,’ he told her. ‘I’m standing you all down in shifts so you can rest, but I need you back here at the same time tomorrow, fit enough to drive.’

  ‘You can count on me.’ Her mouth set in a determined line as she spoke, determined not to let her exhaustion show too much.

  It was late afternoon and still light, but Becky wandered aimlessly. Eating was out of the question, and sleep would be impossible. It was as if every nerve in her body was jangling. She just wanted to be alone; not even Alice’s company would help after what she had seen, so she walked until she found a deserted area right on the edge of the camp.

  The sun was shining as she sat under a large tree. Giving a shuddering sigh she closed her eyes, then doubled over to rest her head on her knees. The emotions she had struggled to keep under control would no longer be denied, and her slender body now shook with wracking sobs.

  So much suffering. Young men injured, dying. It was terrible. The cruelty of war, and the heroism shown by those involved, was enough to make anyone cry. And all those she loved were out there amongst the carnage. Had she transported some of the Canadians they’d danced and laughed with? And what about the Americans her family had befriended? Would they ever see them again? Would Pete’s children lose their father? Will, Bob, Jim, David …

  She gripped her knees, ashamed of the breakdown she could not control. It was clear now that her stupid worries about her relationship with David were of no importance. In the light of what was happening it didn’t matter. He was an officer – so what? She loved him, and deeply regretted not being able to put his mind at rest about his daughter before the invasion began.

  Time lost meaning, and all her silly little worries faded into insignificance as she sat there, allowing the tears to flow. It was dusk when she finally lifted her head, dry-eyed, calmer, but utterly drained.

  Dragging herself to her feet she went back to her quarters to wash and put on clean clothes. That made her feel better, and she wished the awful memories could be washed away as easily, but she doubted if this experience would ever leave her.

  People were coming and going at all hours so the mess was serving food whenever it was needed. Becky knew eating was the last thing she wanted to do, but it was vital she had something or she would make herself ill. She had to be fully fit for duty tomorrow.

  There were a few of the other drivers already in the mess, and Becky joined them.

  ‘Hello, Becky,’ said one of the men, James, as he moved over to make room for her. ‘Have you been relieved of duty as well?’

  She nodded and sat down, viewing her plate of sausages and mash with distaste. ‘Until tomorrow.’

  ‘Same as us.’

  No one said anything as they concentrated on getting some food inside them, and she saw that not one of them had been left untouched by recent events.

  Becky’s stomach was telling her not to attempt putting anything in it, but she chewed determinedly. It took quite a while to clear most of her plate, hoping it was going to stay down.

  James put a mug of tea in front of her, and pulled a face. ‘Well, we’ve managed to eat, and now all we’ve got to do is get some sleep.’

  ‘Yes, that’s all.’ She gave a dry laugh, drained her mug and stood up. ‘See you tomorrow.’

  It was only when she crawled into bed that she realised how mentally and physically exhausted she was. Sleep, she told herself, because tomorrow it starts all over again.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  ‘Wake up, Mavis!’ Bill Adams was shaking his wife.

  She sat up, disgruntled. ‘What’s up? And what on earth is that racket?’

  ‘We don’t know, but we’d better get downstairs. We can hear explosions. Sally and John are already up.’

  Mavis scrambled out of bed and grabbed her dressing gown. ‘Don’t say the raids have started again?’

  They found Bob’s parents in the garden, looking up at the sky.

  ‘Any idea what’s going on?’ Bill asked.

  ‘We just saw a plane nosedive and explode.’ John had a pair of binoculars to his eyes. ‘They’re not ordinary planes though. Here comes another one; you have a look, Bill.’

  Every gun in the area opened up, and Bill watched the plane explode in the air. ‘It was impossible to get a good look at it before it was hit, but damned if I know what it is.’

  When nothing else happened, Mavis gave a sigh. ‘We invaded France a week ago, so perhaps this is Hitler’s way of getting back at us. It’s nearly dawn and no point going back to bed. Let’s put the kettle on, Sal, and get something to eat.’

  It was only when they listened to the news later that they discovered that they had seen V-1 flying bombs – Hitler’s secret weapon.

  The V-1s continued to come and were quickly nicknamed Doodlebugs
. They all hoped their threat would cease as the Allies advanced in Europe.

  Two weeks after D-Day a telegram arrived addressed to Mr and Mrs Adams. All colour drained from Mavis’s face as she turned it over and over in her hand. She handed it to her husband. ‘You open it, Bill. I can’t.’

  Bob’s parents knew full well that these telegrams brought terrible news, and they stayed in the kitchen ready to support their friends. There was an air of dread in the room as they waited for Bill to read the telegram.

  Finally he said huskily, ‘It’s Jim. He’s been killed in action, and they’ve informed us because he gave our names as next of kin.’

  ‘Oh, dear God!’ Mavis and Sally had tears running down their faces. ‘The children are going to be devastated.’

  Bob’s mother put the kettle on for a comforting cup of tea. She dabbed her eyes and blew her nose before filling the teapot. ‘He was like a son to us, and it’s hard to know he won’t be coming back when this dreadful war’s over. Do you think we’ll be able to bury him with his parents?’

  ‘No, my dear, he’ll be buried out there.’ John placed his arm around his wife’s shoulder. ‘We can put a stone with his name on it at Pat and Harry’s grave, though.’

  ‘That’s a nice idea.’ Bill stood up. ‘I’ll go to Aldershot and see if I can tell Becky in person. It will be kinder, but if she’s not there I’ll have to leave a message.’

  The hospital runs became less frequent after the first few days of the invasion, but a ship had docked today and they had been busy. Becky was refuelling the ambulance in case it was needed again, when the sergeant called her.

  ‘You’re wanted at the main gate. Look sharp about it.’

  She hurried, wondering who had come to see her, and when she saw who was waiting there she broke into a run, knowing that this day was about to get worse. Her father would only have come here if something had happened.

  He reached out in sympathy when he saw the dark circles of strain under her eyes. ‘Oh, my darling.’

  She hugged him. ‘Tell me, Dad.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, but it’s bad news. Jim’s been killed.’ There was no easy way to tell her that one of her lifelong friends was dead. He gripped her arms as she swayed with the shock. ‘We’ve just received the telegram and I didn’t want you to read this in a letter.’

  ‘Such a terrible waste of a young life.’ She bowed her head, grief ripping through her.

  ‘Dreadful.’ Bill studied his daughter with concern. ‘Are you still driving ambulances?’

  She nodded. ‘I’m a good driver, Dad, and that’s what I signed up to do. Any news of Will and Bob?’

  ‘No, but no news is good news, isn’t it? What about David?’

  ‘Nothing. I must go and see his family, but I haven’t had the time. We’ve been too busy.’

  ‘Would you like me to go round now and let them know you’ll visit as soon as you can?’

  ‘Thanks, Dad; they’d be pleased to see you. How are you all coping with the Doodlebugs?’

  ‘We’re managing.’ Bill frowned. ‘Don’t hold your grief inside, darling. Jim was precious to all of us. No one will mind if you shed a few tears.’

  ‘I’m drained dry of tears. All I feel at the moment is pain, anger and regret for things I should have done.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart. A great deal is being asked of everyone. Too much in some cases.’

  She nodded. ‘Far too much. I’ve got to get back, Dad, but thanks for coming.’

  Her father hugged her, and then stood back. ‘This nightmare will end, Becky. That’s what all the young men and women are fighting for.’

  ‘I know. Give Mum my love, and tell Sara I hope to be able to visit within the next week.’

  She watched her father walk to the bus stop, then turned away. She hadn’t believed she could hurt any more, but she had been wrong. The horror and pain of losing Jim was devastating. She couldn’t get the picture of his laughing face out of her mind.

  The sergeant took one look at her white face and asked, ‘Bad news?’

  ‘Yes, Sergeant.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘So am I,’ she said, and automatically picked up a spanner.

  ‘Take a break.’

  ‘No, Sergeant.’

  ‘Are you arguing with me, Corporal?’

  She looked up, her mouth set in a grim line. ‘Thousands of people are in the same position. I don’t need special treatment.’

  He gave a brief nod, turned on his heel and marched away. Becky didn’t know if she would be on a charge for insubordination, but she didn’t care. At this moment nothing seemed to matter.

  Alice was waiting for her at the end of her duty. ‘You’ve got to eat, Becky.’

  ‘Everyone’s telling me what I should do,’ she grumbled as she fell into step beside her friend. ‘So don’t you start as well.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Alice looked harder and didn’t like what she saw. ‘You’ve had bad news?’

  ‘Awful.’ There was a catch in her voice. ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you, Alice, but I’m so angry! Dad came today and told me Jim’s been killed.’

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I liked him.’ Alice took a handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped her eyes.

  ‘We were all so close. It was as if we were one family, and it was hard enough when Jim’s parents were killed, but this is too painful.’

  Placing a hand under Becky’s arm, Alice kept her distressed friend moving towards the mess. ‘We have to keep going and defeat Hitler, or all this suffering will have been for nothing. I won’t allow myself to believe that Anthony and all the others have died in vain.’

  ‘It isn’t that easy though, is it?’

  ‘Damned hard.’ Alice gave a tired sigh. ‘We’ll do it though, won’t we?’

  ‘Of course, what choice do we have? It’s either stay positive, or crumble under the strain.’

  ‘Exactly, and meals mustn’t be skipped, Becky; you’re getting too thin. People are depending on us to do our jobs.’ Alice seated her friend at a table. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘A large steak, medium rare, followed by strawberries and real cream.’

  Alice gave a nod of respect, well aware how much the loss of Jim was hurting Becky, and on top of the difficult job she had been doing, the burden must be almost intolerable. ‘They’ve run out of steak, so I’m afraid it will have to be spam or vegetable pie.’

  ‘In that case it’ll have to be the pie.’

  They managed to clear their plates, and instead of strawberries and cream, they finished off with a cup of tea and a cigarette. Neither girl had smoked before joining the ATS, but they had soon started, finding it relaxed them.

  ‘They’re showing a Laurel and Hardy film this evening. Fancy going?’ Alice asked, hoping a distraction would help her friend.

  ‘Might as well. I’ve been relieved of duty until tomorrow morning.’ Becky stubbed out her cigarette. ‘I really must give up this habit when the war’s over. I’m smoking far too much. I’ve got a couple of letters to write first, so I’ll see you around seven.’

  The next day Becky was given the job of driving an officer. When she received the orders she was furious and stormed up to the sergeant, suspecting this was his doing.

  ‘I’m quite capable of driving the ambulance, Sergeant.’ She glowered at him.

  ‘I know you are.’ His mouth twitched at the corners. ‘The trouble is, not many other drivers are capable of driving an officer around London. Major General Villiers has asked for you.’

  ‘Oh, I used to drive him quite a lot.’ The steam went out of her and she gave the sergeant an apologetic look. ‘Sorry, Sergeant. I thought you considered me unfit to continue transporting the injured to hospital.’

  ‘Then you were wrong. I tried to keep you here, but I can’t argue with a major general.’

  Becky’s smile was the first genuine one she had managed since the invasion had begun. ‘Not a wise thing to do. I’ll need the best car we’ve go
t.’

  ‘Help yourself.’ The sergeant looked her straight in the eyes. ‘And it isn’t wise for a corporal to argue with a sergeant, but I’ll overlook it this time.’

  ‘Thank you, Sergeant. It won’t happen again.’ She hurried away to check over the car she wanted, glad he’d been in a good humour.

  Over the next few weeks Becky became a permanent driver for different officers. Doing something she really enjoyed gave her a chance to try and come to terms with Jim’s death. It was hard to believe that the four of them wouldn’t be together again at the end of the war. There had been short notes from Will, Bob and David, and she was relieved to know they were still all right. Will had told her that he’d come across Greg and Hal in France, and that also helped to lift her spirits.

  The Allies were moving through France, and when Paris was liberated on 25th August, everyone hoped the war would be over by the end of the year. But as winter set in it became clear that wasn’t going to happen.

  The Doodlebugs were less frequent now, but explosions had been taking place across south-east England, and it appeared that Hitler had another secret weapon, the V-2 rocket. Unlike the V-1, this could not be heard until it exploded on the ground, which gave no chance to take cover.

  ‘Damn the man,’ Becky muttered when she heard that another rocket had dropped on the outskirts of London. ‘He’s beaten, so why doesn’t he give up?’

  ‘It won’t be long now.’ Alice blew on her cold hands.

  ‘That’s what everyone keeps saying. This bitter wind is enough to cut right through you. I wish they’d let us in.’

  ‘It’ll be worth queuing, Becky, to see if there’s a newsreel from Will.’

  ‘He’s done a marvellous job, hasn’t he?’ Becky smiled proudly. ‘And do you know, I think he’s enjoyed himself. When the war started he was disappointed because the forces wouldn’t take him, but just look at what he’s achieved.’