The Stone Rainbow

by Liane Shaw

  It doesn’t suck for me though. When I’m with him, I feel like his bubble is big enough for two.

  “It’s not that bad. Not great either.” He smiles briefly but then turns serious. “There were moments back home too. And not everyone I know has had an easy ride. I lost a friend a couple of years ago.” He says the last sentence quickly, staring down at the water, biting his lower lip and gripping the railing tightly.

  “Lost?” I ask, even though I’m fairly sure I know what he means.

  “He was from a family that was having trouble accepting the idea that he was gay. They didn’t kick him out but they didn’t exactly throw a party. His dad was pretty brutal about the whole thing, made fun of him and told him he just needed to man up. That kind of shit.” His grip tightens until his knuckles turn white. I stand there quietly. I’m not sure I want to hear the rest, but I don’t want to tell him to stop either.

  “He seemed really angry and depressed at first but then he said he was okay—that he didn’t need his stupid father anyway. He started going in the opposite direction, partying really hard and acting like nothing in the whole world mattered but having a good time. It didn’t feel…right, I guess, but he said he was fine. He got pissed when we tried to talk to him, so eventually we stopped and just let it go. We just let it go.” He whispers the last part as he closes his eyes.

  “One day he didn’t show up at school. We didn’t think much of it because he’d been skipping a lot of classes anyway. It wasn’t until later that we found out that he was dead. Hanged himself in his garage.”

  Benjamin wipes his eyes, shaking his head angrily.

  “They said he had lots of problems. That he had been angry and depressed for years. That maybe he was doing drugs. Stealing stuff. His parents blamed everything in the world. They were willing to let everyone think their kid was a drug addict and a thief. But they still couldn’t admit he was gay—that being gay and feeling like he didn’t belong in his own family had anything to do with what happened.”

  He smiles. It’s the saddest expression I think I’ve ever seen, and my eyes start to sting in sympathy.

  “I’m so sorry.” It’s all I can think of to say. Empty words that mean nothing.

  “Me too. And I’m not trying to upset you by telling you about it. I just wanted you to know that I do get it. I don’t live in a fantasy land where being gay is easy. It should be. I don’t know why it isn’t. Why would anyone care who I decide to spend time with? Who I want to love? It shouldn’t be so hard that anyone feels like they can’t be here anymore.”

  I turn my eyes back to the river. My mind instantly jumps down into the water again, to that moment when I felt like I just wanted it to take me away from here. From everywhere. I never wanted to stop floating, drifting off into some kind of oblivion that took away the fear of what my life was going to be when my mother and everyone else found out the truth…or even worse, what my life would have to be if I could never tell. I take a deep breath. It catches in my throat for a second before I can make myself speak.

  “I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I just couldn’t face one more day of lying and pretending. Except I’m still doing it. I tell Matthew that I don’t know what I was thinking. I tell my mother that I was trying to get back to shore. That I was glad Ryan came when he did and saved me. But I wasn’t. I hated him. I didn’t think he saved me at all. The water was saving me, and he pulled me out. He sent me back!” The words are out of my mouth and floating out onto the water before I fully realize that I’m actually saying them out loud to Benjamin instead of to myself. I start to tremble and I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or the realization that I just told the most amazing guy in the world that the rumor about me wanting to drown myself is true.

  “You look cold,” he says, putting one arm around my shoulders and rubbing my arm. I start shaking even harder and then totally mortify myself by starting to cry.

  Benjamin pulls me into a full hug, wrapping his arms around me tightly the way my mother did on this same bridge that day in the rain. Except that this feels a whole lot different from being hugged by my mom. Even through the tears and total mortification, I can feel my stomach starting it’s oh-my-god-Benjamin-is-here dance, amplified a million times because this time he’s not just here. He’s holding me and rubbing my back.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice is muffled against his chest. I’m probably wiping snot all over his jacket.

  “Don’t you dare say that! You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re still here. You should be proud of yourself. You’re getting through it.”

  “I still need a counselor every week to tell me what to think and I haven’t told my dad and I worry about my mom and—”

  “So. What.” The words come out, loud and clipped, almost like he’s pissed. I stop my whining for a second and lean back.

  “What?”

  “I said, so what? So what if you need to see a counselor? Lots of people need someone to help them figure shit out. And if your dad deserves to be told, you’ll figure out a way. And your mom? Man, she looks at you like she thinks you’re the best thing on the planet. She loves you.” He steps back out of the hug and just stands there looking at me. I feel cold. I wonder if he’ll notice if I start trembling again.

  “I think she still believes I’m going to hell.” I mutter it, sounding like a three-year-old who’s pissed he didn’t get chocolate sauce on his ice cream. Benjamin just laughs.

  “Maybe she just needs more time. Besides, I think my mother believes that about me sometimes too, but not because I’m gay. And she’d never admit it, but I know my mother thinks that Cody kid is going to hell. She might even help send him there.” Now I start to laugh, hiccupping and sniffing at the same time. I probably have crap all over my face, and my eyes likely look like my dad’s after a bender.

  “I’d be happy to give him the final push down. The guy has tried to drown me about a dozen times in the past six months.”

  “Drown you?”

  “Yeah, he started giving me swimming lessons after…” I just point down at the river. Benjamin nods.

  “Well, I’m glad you’ve been taking lessons, but I’m surprised they’d be from Cody.”

  “He’s actually the best swimmer at school, and besides, Ryan’s always been there too.”

  “That’s better. You guys are good friends.”

  I look at him considering. “Mostly.”

  He seems a bit surprised by my answer but doesn’t ask me to explain, so I don’t bother saying anything else. My issue with Ryan is something I need to figure out with him, I think.

  “Anyway, Jack, I hope you don’t think I came down here to do some kind of amateur therapy session. I was just coming to see the water with you. The rest just kind of…happened.”

  “It’s fine. I obviously needed to talk about it.” I can still feel the echo of his arms wrapped around me, his hand rubbing my back.

  “Well, I don’t know how helpful it would be, but you can talk to me about anything. Anytime.”

  “Thanks. And I did bring you here just to look at the water and see my thinking spot. Maybe we could try again sometime and just enjoy the view.”

  “Sounds like a plan. So, I guess we should go home and get ready for school.”

  “I guess so. See you in class.” I take a quick peek up at him, but he’s already walking away.

  I stay for a few seconds after he disappears from view, trying to calm my insides down enough so that my outsides don’t start joining in again. No point in starting the whole trembling and shaking routine if no one is here to hold me and make it go away.

  I can’t believe I got so personal with him! Telling him things I haven’t even told Matthew or my mom. Things I haven’t even told myself in a very long time.

  I don’t know if I just made us closer or if I scared him away.

&
nbsp; twelve

  “Were you at the bridge?” My mom is standing in the front hall when I get in, arms folded, face unreadable.

  “Yes. I just needed some thinking time.” I try to keep the irritation out of my voice.

  “Was Ryan with you?” she asks.

  “No!” The word comes out louder than I meant it to, but I hate it when she gives me the third degree, and I hate it worse that somehow she thinks I need to have Ryan with me whenever I go to the bridge.

  “So, you were alone?” She makes it a question. Her face says that the answer is going to matter, but I’m not sure why. I have a quick internal debate over whether or not to tell her that Benjamin was there. I have a feeling that she would not see him as a valid replacement for Super Ryan.

  “No. Benjamin came with me.” I’m tired of lying. Hiding. Whatever you want to call it.

  “You two are becoming quite close.” She stares at me. I don’t think I like what I see in her eyes.

  “He’s my friend. Like Ryan is.” I don’t know why I added that. Legitimizing Benjamin in my mother’s eyes by equating him with Ryan is not fair.

  “Is he?” She folds her arms, tapping her fingertips on her elbow. It’s a familiar pose, the one she used to use when I was little and she knew I was lying about something, like whether or not I snuck a cookie before supper.

  “Yes. Is there a problem here? Is there something you want to say about Benjamin?” I sound tough, but my insides are starting to shake. I don’t want to do this with her. I don’t want to hear that she doesn’t want me around Benjamin because the whole town probably knows he’s gay by now. I don’t want to know that she still wishes her son wasn’t gay, even though she says she’s cool with it when she’s trying to impress the counselor.

  I don’t want to do this, but I’m going to. I have to. I fold my own arms and stand my ground, doing my best to stare her down.

  She breaks eye contact, looking over my shoulder at the front door, as if it might have the answer written on it.

  “People are talking about him. About you. At the restaurant.” I knew it.

  “I’m not surprised. And?” Here it comes.

  “And they’re saying that he’s gay. And that you’re gay. And that the two of you are…” She lets the sentence trail off as if the words are just too difficult to say. Or maybe she just doesn’t know what word to use when you’re talking about a couple that happens to be gay.

  “I wish!” The words pop out unplanned, and her eyes whip back to mine.

  “You wish? You wish for people to talk about you all over town?” Her voice is strained. I take a deep breath.

  “No. Actually, I wish people would find something else to talk about. I wish people would leave me the hell alone and leave Benjamin the hell alone! I wish everyone had a brain in this town and could understand that it takes more than one kind of person to make a world. And I wish that I lived anywhere in that world but goddamn Thompson Mills!” I’m yelling by now and I don’t care.

  “Jackson, you watch your language!”

  “No, Mom. You watch your language. You stand there waiting for me to come home, all concerned. But not worried that something happened to me. Worried that someone happened to me. Well, someone did. And he’s great. He has been nothing but nice to me from day one. He’s someone I care about and who means something to me. Someone I wish I could mean something more to than just a friend. He’s never hurt anyone in this stupid town. And all you can say to me is that you’re worried about what people—ignorant, stupid people—are saying about me and my friend.”

  She turns away abruptly and goes to sit down in the living room. I stay where I am.

  “Jack. Mi corazón. Come, sit with me. I’m doing this all wrong. Once again.” When my mom is emotional, the Spanish that she worked so hard to hide from my father comes back. She rubs one hand over her eyes and then tries a shaky smile. I’m confused. I thought we were about to have a big fight. Did I win already?

  I come and sit down beside her on the couch. She reaches over and takes my hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of it as she speaks.

  “I’m afraid that you’ll be hurt. More hurt. The…talking had slowed down for a while. Then when this boy arrived, it all started up again. About him and about you. I worry about how it will affect you. And I’m afraid that you will get hurt.”

  “I’m not going to let the words get to me this time. I’m sick of other people being allowed to mess up my life with their ignorance. Benjamin is teaching me that.”

  “Matthew tried to tell you that many times.”

  “But he never lived it, I don’t think. Benjamin is gay. Like me. He comes from a really different type of world than I do, but he’s still had to deal with his share of shi…stuff.” Mom smiles and touches my cheek.

  “You have…feelings for this boy?”

  “Yes. I do.”

  She nods, trying so hard to be understanding instead of horrified that I can’t help smiling at her.

  “It’s okay, Mom. I know this is hard for you to hear. But that’s kind of what this is all about. My feelings. When I have them for someone else, it’s going to be a boy. That’s the whole gay bit.”

  “Lo sé!” she says indignantly. “Of course, I know. Young hearts break easily.” She puts one hand gently on my chest in the general region of my heart. “I don’t know if you are strong enough to handle it if he doesn’t…have feelings for you. Does he? Do you know?”

  I look at her in something close to shock. Is this real? My mother is not upset because he’s a guy—she’s upset because she doesn’t want my heart to get hurt?

  “No, I don’t really know how he feels. Not yet anyway. But I know that this stuff doesn’t always work out. You don’t have to worry. I’m ready for whatever happens.” I think. I hope.

  “Mi querido niño. No one is ever ready for heartbreak. And you have had such trouble already.” She sniffles a little as she puts her arm around me.

  “I’m okay. I’m not going to do anything stupid if this doesn’t work out. I know it might not. But I’ll figure it out. I have friends to talk to. Matthew is there, all up in my face once a week. And I have you.” Her eyes lock onto mine again, and she gazes into me for so long that I start to feel like she’s actually in there wandering around, reading my mind.

  “You do have me. Always and forever. You do understand that now, right? I will never let you walk away from me again. I am your mother. Te amo.”

  “Si, mama. Te amo también.”

  And she folds me into a hug that feels almost as good as the one Benjamin gave me on the bridge.

  Almost.

  “I have to go do some work before school,” I tell her, to break the hug. She always buys that one.

  “Of course. I’ll make you some breakfast in a bit.”

  “I’m not…” I almost tell her not to bother, but then I realize that making me some food is probably something she’s doing for herself as much as for me. My mother likes to see people eat. Comfort food. Guess she picked the right career. “Sure, that would be great.” She gives me a kiss and a smile on her way to the kitchen as I go down to my bedroom.

  I pick up my phone, checking the time and wondering if it’s a bad time to bug Clare. She’s probably getting ready for school by now and won’t appreciate my whining in her ear about Benjamin first thing in the morning.

  If she’s busy, she can just ignore me though, right? Pretend she didn’t notice me?

  “Hey, Jack. You’re up early.” She answers immediately, and I suddenly feel embarrassed calling her.

  “Yeah, sorry. I should have waited until after school to bother you.”

  “I told you before—you don’t bother me.”

  “You aren’t sick of my sad little love life?” I try a self-deprecating smile.

  “Not at all. My friend Sherry talks to me
about hers every day, for about two hours. It’s a relief to talk to someone different and less…wordy.” She laughs.

  “Yeah, well, that’s kind of why I’m calling. I got so wordy today that I’m afraid I messed up.” I cringe, thinking about my outburst on the bridge.

  “With Benjamin, I’m assuming?”

  “Yes. We were on the bridge today.”

  “Oh.” She looks surprised for a second but then nods slightly. “Okay. You were on the bridge, and…?”

  “We just got talking about…life, I guess, and all of a sudden I was babbling like an idiot and telling him everything about that day, and I ended up saying things I’d never said out loud before. Personal, personal stuff that he probably doesn’t need, or want, to hear from me this early in whatever it is we are to each other.”

  “Getting personal is part of being friends.”

  “Not this personal. I mean, I know he’d have heard about Ryan pulling me out of the water because it was news or whatever. And I know he heard the rumors that I was trying to…kill myself. But I didn’t want that to be who I am to him. I wanted to be something…someone different to him. Shit, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here.”

  “That’s okay. Just take your time.”

  “We don’t have much time seeing as we both have to go to school.”

  “School can wait.” Clare gives me an incredibly gentle smile that reaches into my scrambled mind and helps me calm down a little. I take a deep breath and then try to push the words out in a way that makes sense.

  “It’s just…my whole friendship with Ryan has always been so weird because of the ‘superhero rescues the weak victim’ routine.”

  “No one thinks you’re weak, Jack.”

  “That’s not true. Ryan does. Cody does. Most of the school does. I’m seen as the weak little guy who couldn’t handle my own shit and decided to take a header off the bridge, even though I actually walked into the water, a little fact that no one seems to care about. Anyway, regardless of how I got in there, everyone knows I did it. If your boyfriend hadn’t been there, I probably would have drowned.”