by Liane Shaw
“I am not going to make like Kermit and sing about rainbows in your hospital room.”
“Chicken,” he says, settling back against his pillows and folding his hands across the rainbows on his lap.
“Better a chicken than a frog!”
“That’s fine. Your voice is probably not as good as a frog’s anyway.” He laughs as I stick my tongue out at him.
I can’t believe we’re talking about chickens and frogs when I’m not going to see him for at least six weeks. There’s so much I want to say that I wouldn’t even know where to start.
So I don’t.
Benjamin’s eyes are starting to get heavy, and I realize it’s time for me to go. I don’t want to say good-bye. I’m afraid if he goes back to where he came from, he’ll never return. Why would he? He’s going home, where people accept him, and he has all kinds of friends.
He’s going back to a place where some asshole in a pickup truck isn’t going to throw him into a ditch because of who he is.
“I guess I’d better go. You seem pretty tired.” His eyes are just about closed. He gives me a lopsided smile.
“Yeah. I’m still on some pretty heavy drugs. Good luck with everything. Keep in touch.” His words slur and his eyes close the rest of the way as I open my mouth to say something—anything—that will make this good-bye mean something. But it’s too late. He’s already starting to snore, which is so cute I can’t stand it.
So I turn to go, looking back at him sleeping under his silly blanket once more as I walk slowly away. He looks smaller somehow, lying there like a little kid having his afternoon nap. All he needs is a teddy bear, or maybe a stuffed unicorn, to complete the picture.
My heart twists into a tight knot that isn’t going to loosen anytime soon as I force my feet out the door and maybe out of his life.
nineteen
Shawn Johanssen. Just thinking about the guy makes my skin crawl so much I feel like I need a shower. I can’t believe I managed to stand up to him at school without puking on his shoes.
The first time I met him, I couldn’t do anything at all. He cornered me after school, ganging up on me with his lackey of the moment. I just stood there with my back against the dumpster that stinks up the back of the school, trying to keep my lunch down while being assaulted by disgusting smells that came partly from the garbage and partly from Shawn’s breath blowing hot against my face. I asked him to leave me alone, trying to sound all tough and brave, but my voice was shaking so much that it was obvious I was trying not to piss myself. I tried to move away, but that just made them both laugh as they smashed me back and held me against the metal side.
They wanted to know if the rumors were true. If I was really a fag. They were afraid I might decide I wanted to hit on one or both of them. They almost had it right. I definitely wanted to hit their stupid faces so hard they’d never laugh again.
I didn’t think there was any way the situation could get worse, when all of a sudden Ryan comes up behind them. I guess he was just wheeling by, and instead of ignoring us or going for help, he decided that, somehow, he was going to be able to save me from the only two people on the planet who wouldn’t see anything wrong with beating up someone who can’t walk.
They threatened him, and he just stared at them calmly. He didn’t look scared at all, just mildly annoyed, as if a bug had flown into his face. Ryan tried to reason with them, which was obviously not the way to go with two guys who were more interested in using their fists than their brains. He managed to piss them off even more, and one of them, I can’t remember which, was actually leaning on Ryan’s chair, right down into his face, when all of a sudden he went flying backwards, smashing into the dumpster beside me.
Cody and the swim team to the rescue. They made those guys back off and kept them away from us for the rest of the year. I was glad to have the protection, but at the same time, it made me feel embarrassed and weak to need it in the first place. Why couldn’t I have figured out a way to make those guys leave Ryan and me alone? Why was I always the one who had to be rescued?
A better question is why should anyone need to be rescued from asswipes like those guys in the first place? Why is the world like this?
So many people have made my life difficult for so many years that I’ve had to work at holding onto myself and not letting them make me into the kind of person who hates. It’s hard enough to be hated thanks to ignorance and intolerance. Sending that kind of feeling back out into the world just makes everything darker somehow, as if you just took a piece of charcoal and scribbled it across a painting, obliterating the colors and turning it all to black.
But when I think about those nightmare-inducing jerks at the dumpster or in their white truck, all I can feel is hate. I want to turn into some kind of avenging hero, like one of Ryan’s stone gargoyles brought to life, so that I can smash their faces in and make an example of them so that no one in this town will ever hurt anyone again.
Which is why I’ve decided to do something completely different.
®®®
“So, I’ve decided. I’m going to do it.”
“Good for you.” Ryan looks over at me for a second and then goes back to staring at his computer screen. He’s been working on his story, and I’m supposed to be sketching out ideas for the novel, but the paper in front of me is covered in rainbows instead. I don’t think they will fit into his narrative very well. “What exactly is it that you’re going to do?”
Nice. I just made one of the biggest decisions of my life and he’s not even paying attention.
“I’m going to organize a Pride parade. In Thompson Mills.”
That gets his attention. He turns his chair away from the computer and stares at me. I don’t blame him. It does sound like a crazy idea now that I’ve actually said it out loud. But I’ve been thinking about it almost nonstop for several days, ever since Benjamin left, so that I’ve managed to push endless plans for revenge against Shawn to the back of my mind. I was dwelling on thoughts of this brain-dead guy who just ruined Benjamin’s life—and mine—until it was starting to poison me, making me physically ill. And it’s not like I could actually do anything to him or his buddy anyway. I have to rely on the police for that, even though it’s starting to seem less and less likely that they’re going to manage to prove anything—unless someone can make Adrian talk. And that is extremely doubtful because he’s probably more afraid of Shawn than he is of the police.
I needed something else to focus on. Something positive. Something Benjamin might think was wonderful enough to be worth coming back here for.
Benjamin and his rainbows. Like he said in his speech, rainbows are symbols of peace, diversity, and pride. Everything that can and should be good about the world.
“A Pride parade. As in a Gay Pride parade. In Thompson Mills. Here, in this town called Thompson Mills, not some other town called Thompson Mills where there might be more than, oh, I don’t know, two people who are gay,” Ryan says, while staring at me as if I just turned into Pegasus and started flying around the room.
“Stop saying Thompson Mills. It’s starting to sound weird. And yes, here in this town where there are at least two people who are gay. According to Benjamin, and the law of averages, there are probably more.”
“If there are more, they’re hidden so far back in the closet that no parade is going to pull them out.” Ryan shakes his head.
“So, you’re telling me not to do it because no one is going to give a shit?”
“I didn’t say that. Lots of people will give a shit. Just in the wrong way. There are a lot of people in this town who would be against a Pride parade. And that’s putting it lightly.”
“Like you?” I would expect this from Cody, but coming from Ryan, it’s disappointing.
“No, not like me. I’ve actually been to one before, and it was really cool. But that was in the city, where there wer
e enough supportive people that anyone who wasn’t just stayed away. I’m not sure it would happen that way here.”
“Well, we can’t know if we don’t try.” I’m making an effort to sound persuasive but I know that he’s right. There will be all kinds of opposition in Thompson Mills. But does that mean we should just decide it can’t happen here? Is there no chance at all that Benjamin is right about the possibility of other people accepting, even supporting us?
“True, but if we don’t try, at least we’ll know there aren’t any new reasons for having the crap kicked out of us.”
“So you’re scared.” Me too.
“Yep. And not afraid to admit it.” He sits still for a few moments, staring at his now blank computer screen. After a while he turns to me, considering. “It might be the world’s most terrible idea, but I think I get why you want to do it. The parade I went to also had a group in it supporting Disability Pride. It was pretty cool.”
“Disability Pride?”
“Yeah, sounds weird, doesn’t it? I used to think that the whole idea of being proud of having a disability was strange, but I’ve talked to Clare about it a couple of times and she got me thinking that it isn’t as much about being proud to be disabled as it is about being disabled and proud to be yourself. Something like that. She explains it better.”
“Yeah, well, she explains most things better than you do. So, are you saying you would help me with this, or not? I’m getting confused.”
“It might be doable if we can figure out a way to not get the crap kicked out of us. Then again, it might not be a problem seeing as it could be kind of a small parade. Just me wheeling down Main Street with a couple of gay guys wandering along beside me. If we’re lucky, maybe no one will notice.”
I laugh at the image that pops into my head. Me carrying a rainbow flag in one hand and pushing Ryan’s chair with the other so that he can wave his own flag, while Benjamin hopefully marches along singing the “Rainbow Connection” off key.
“We could get recruits. Caleb and Lucas already talked to me and said they’d help organize and be there on the day and bring as many people as will come. You probably have people too.”
“Oh yeah, I got people.” He nods his head, pursing his lips and trying to look tough.
“Ha. You know what I mean.”
Ryan grins. “Well, I do keep in touch with some people from my rehab days who would probably like the idea of incorporating Disability Pride into the day. And seeing as your buddy Benjamin isn’t going to be able to do much for a while—and you’ve just taken my spot as town hero—I guess I could help you out.”
“It isn’t going to be easy,” I state the obvious.
He grins at me. “Nothing ever is around here.”
“That’s true.” I grin back, but his face has turned serious.
“So, have you thought about the reality of what this is going to mean for you?” he asks.
“It’s going to mean a lot of things. A lot of hassles and hard work.”
“That’s not what I meant. I mean do you get that you will basically be coming out to the whole town if you do this?”
He’s right, of course. And, of course, I’ve thought about it. A lot. About whether or not I’m finally ready to let the whole town know that those rumors about me are true. Whether or not I’m ready to be myself in a place where I’ve always tried to be someone else. Whether I’m ready to fly on my own without Benjamin here to protect me in his bubble.
But Benjamin’s bubble was broken by two assholes in a truck. The least I can do is show him that I’ve got more courage than a couple of homophobic cowards who can’t find anything better to do than assault someone who never did them, or anyone else, any harm.
So, I’m going to do it.
“Yeah, I figured that part out,” I say, in answer to Ryan’s question. “I’m already most of the way out, compliments of Benjamin’s stone rainbow. I guess I’ll have to make it official at some point or I’ll just keep living a lie for the rest of forever. Either that or move away to Bainesville and never come back.”
“Personally, I think I’d choose option number two. This town is full of jerks who are not going to make life easy for you. I don’t want you to end up like Benjamin.”
“I don’t want that either. Obviously! But it’s too late for that. Most of those jerks are at our school and already know. And guess what? I don’t want to keep hiding from anyone anymore, and I don’t want to run away.”
That’s a big fat lie. I would much rather run away. Just take off into the sunset on a bicycle built for two that would take Benjamin and me to somewhere we’d be able to be together…forever.
And cue the violins. I’m starting to nauseate myself with all this mushy crap about a guy who still has no idea how I actually feel because I chickened out of telling him before he left.
“Okay then. Do you have any idea how we start?” Ryan asks.
“Like I said, I’ve talked to Caleb and Lucas a little, and I also did some research on how to get a parade started. I know Benjamin’s mom will help us with the official part. We’ll have to get permission from the town council.”
“That could shut us down before we start.”
“I don’t know. I’ve been reading about this, and it seems like most local councils are more afraid of the bad press that could come from saying no than the hassles of actually having the parade.” To be honest, I’m not sure Thompson Mills is big enough to be worried about any kind of press.
“Okay. So, what do we do?”
“We talk to Mrs. Lee and make a presentation to the council. Then, according to this article I read, we post on social media. Let people know it’s coming and that we need help organizing.” It seemed simple enough when I read about it, but I’m sure it’s going to be pretty complicated.
“Let all the homophobes know where to find us, you mean?” Ryan punctuates his question by raising both eyebrows until they disappear under his orange hair.
“That too. We’ll just have to figure out how to deal with that part. Everyone is already on edge with the police investigating Benjamin’s so-called accident. Maybe that will keep some of the heat off us.” I’m hoping the cowards around here might hesitate a little before calling attention to themselves these days.
“Do you know anything about the case? How it’s going?” Ryan asks.
“No, not yet. Everything around here moves so slowly, it’s like it’s going in reverse.”
“Yeah, well, hopefully they’ll at least get enough to lay charges against those assholes. Cody is still mad at me for getting him to go to the cops. He’s been getting hassled by a few people who suspect it was him.”
“Poor baby,” I say sarcastically.
“He’s not really complaining as much as I thought he would. He still seems really pissed at the whole situation. He might even help us with the parade stuff.”
“Sure, we’ll get him to carry a rainbow flag and blow kisses at all the guys in the crowd.” I start laughing and Ryan joins in.
“Seeing as the ‘crowd’ will be about four people who can’t find anything better to do, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad.”
“I’d still like to see him marching in a Pride parade, no matter how many people are there.” The thought of a multicolored Cody singing about rainbows makes me smile.
“Me too!” Ryan says. “It would be worth the effort just to see that. Anyway, I have to go. Let me know when you’re going to see Mrs. Lee, I’ll come with you.”
“Thanks. This is going to be great,” I say, trying to sound enthusiastic instead of terrified.
“Or a complete disaster. Either way, it’s good you want to try. Takes guts.” He smiles and waves as he wheels away.
Guts.
I wish mine would stop feeling like I’m going to puke every time I think about what it’ll take to make this pa
rade idea turn into a reality.
But all I have to do is think about Benjamin lying there under his rainbow blanket, and I know that this is something that I have to do. My guts will just have to toughen up and keep my lunch down long enough to get the job done.
twenty
“Jackson Pedersen?”
I jump to my feet, bumping my chair and scraping it across the floor with a loud grating sound that makes everyone stare in my direction. Six sets of eyes are now focused on me from the front of the room. None of them look exactly welcoming, and I’m starting to think that I should be somewhere else.
“It’s all right, Jack. Just take a breath and tell them what you want to do. I’m right here.” Mrs. Lee speaks in a hushed voice as she touches my arm gently. The council members are still staring impatiently as they wait for me to find the words that I practiced endlessly last night with Ryan.
“You’ve got this. You sounded great yesterday. Just do it the way you did for my mom and me,” Ryan whispers.
“I can’t remember how I did it. I can’t remember anything,” I whisper back, looking behind me to where he’s sitting in his wheelchair.
“We can’t hear you, Mr. Pedersen,” the man in the middle of the group says, sounding like those teachers I’ve had who made it their mission in life to make me feel small. I look toward the front guiltily, as if I’ve been caught passing notes during class. Notes! Where are my notes?
“I don’t have my notes!” I hiss snake-like while patting down all of my pockets in a blind panic. Ryan reaches forward and hands me a piece of paper.
“I made a copy just in case. Not that you need them. You can probably recite this in your sleep. You’ll be fine. Just go for it.”