by L. Grubb
Something swirls in my gut and I manage to flick my eyes down to her name badge just before someone blocks my view of her.
Jasmine.
I whisper the word out loud, loving the way it rolls off my tongue.
My head feels groggy as my mind and body wakes up, thanks to the harsh lighting that’s beyond my eyelids. My mouth is as dry as Gandy’s flip flop but I don’t dare move just yet. Realizing, with frustration and annoyance, that I can’t seem to move my jaw.
“Jasmine? You awake?” a gruff voice says just to the right of me. “Come on, girl. Wakey wakey.” A slight slap to my face makes me groan as pain flitters through my jaw.
“What? Who?” I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence and not only that, but I find it incredibly difficult to talk properly. “Happened…” I feel like I’m dosed up to my eyeballs with drugs, the floaty feeling in my head making it hard for me to make myself understood to whoever is slapping my face.
“She still has a shit ton of morphine in her system, Louis. Be fucking patient, yeah?” another male voice filters through my brain and I can’t make heads or tails on who it is. My body goes cold, realization that Louis is here, my brother, the brother I disowned, that the whole family disowned before my parents’ untimely deaths. Chills sweep across my skin and I can’t help the whimper that leaves my lips. The feeling of dread fills my stomach and the urge to vomit it strong.
“She’s awake, look at her for fuck sake.” Louis’ booming voice fills the room and I inwardly cringe. That’s one voice I don’t miss. I went to college on the other side of the country just to get away from him, but it seems I’ll never escape his clutches.
“Doesn’t mean she fully comprehends the shit around her, dumbass.” The other voice is just as loud and just as terrifying and I lie here, still, waiting to see what happens next.
Silence fills the room and my breathing becomes choppy as the fog begins to lift, the panic attack building in my chest has me gasping for some much needed breath. The air I suck in is stale with the stench of cigarette smoke and the gurgling in my stomach intensifies. Smoke brings back the memories that I wanted to leave behind, the memories that I kept locked in a safe box in the back of my head. Why the fuck am I here? How the hell did he find me?
“It’s alright, my little dove, your big brother is here now.” His breath fans across my face and I sob silently as dread takes over my body.
“How… how did you find me, Louis?” My voice is small, croaky due to lack of hydration, and I’m unable to tell if he heard me or not as silence once again fills the space in the room.
“Easy, little dove. I just called up colleges and inquired about you. They shouldn’t be giving out so much information but I can bend people to do what the fuck I want.” His tongue snakes out and licks a trail up my cheek. Bile rises in my throat but I swallow it down, not wanting to give him the satisfaction in witnessing my distress.
“Where am I?” I ask, not really wanting to know. “Where’s Jay?”
“Oh, Jay has been taken care of. That crash was quite epic, wouldn’t you agree, Jasmine?” He moans as he nuzzles his nose into my neck. “You can’t outsmart me.”
“You’re disgusting, you always have been. Why me, Louis? I’m your sister!” I wanted to shout it but it came out as a high-pitched squeak, and even to my ears it was a little cringey.
Louis’ manic laughter hits me like a ton of bricks and I have to fight back the sobs. “Because I own you, little dove. I’ll fucking own you ‘til the day I fucking die.”
My heart sinks deeper into my chest at his words and I press myself back against the lumpy mattress, anything just to get away from his body odor and his over friendly tongue. This is incest, people, and this has been happening since I was eight years old. Me escaping to CSU was a Godsend but now I’m back to where I started. The difference is, is that I’m now a woman.
13 years ago
Jas - Age 8
Mummy grounded me for throwing a spoon at Louis’ head. He started it though, yet he wasn’t grounded. No, because he’s the golden child, he’s the favorite. Mummy and daddy wonder why I’m so angry all the time yet they can’t see that they’re pushing me out. I’m like the ugly duckling in that storybook daddy used to read me. With my frizzy brown hair and boring eyes, I can’t really blame them. But I want attention too. I want to be doted on like Louis. He never gets in trouble. No, he’s too smart and does it when they’re not paying attention. He makes me so angry that I feel my face heating up. Aren’t big brother’s supposed to dote on their little sisters? My friend Amy has an older brother and she says he protects her. My big brother’s a bully but no one can see that.
I throw myself onto my bed and punch my pillows and kick my legs. I don’t care that I’m throwing a tantrum, I deserve to after the way I get treated. Screaming into my comforter to release this pent-up rage at mummy for sending me to my room, at Louis for being nasty to me and getting me into trouble.
A knock on my door has me scrambling up the bed. It can’t be mummy or daddy because they’ve just gone grocery shopping. Louis’ head pops around the door and my body to starts to shake. I’m terrified of my big brother and that shouldn’t be the way I live my life. Sometimes he pinches me on my bum when no one’s looking, leaving a purple bruise that stays for days. Sometimes he trips me over with his foot and stands over me, laughing.
He comes into my room and closes the door behind him. The devilish smile on his face has me pulling my legs up to my chest. I have no idea what he wants this time but from the look he’s giving me I know it can’t be good.
“Well well well, look who’s been a naughty girl.” Sauntering towards me, he sits on the bed close to my feet. I try to shrink back but there’s no space left for me to go. “Naughty girls need to be punished, don’t they, little dove?” His eyes move down to my chest where I’m barely growing breasts yet… but that doesn’t stop him leering at me like a crazy person.
“Leave me alone, Louis,” I say, my eyes hardening and narrowing. This is me trying to be stern like daddy does at mummy sometimes. It never works but it makes me feel a little stronger inside.
“Why would I do that?” The corner of his mouth lifts up into a smirk and it makes me shiver… and not in a good way like when the cool breeze hits your skin on a summer’s day. No, this is bad, very very bad and I don’t like it. He runs his finger down the outside of my leg and I go cold. “We’re home alone and I’m going to teach you a lesson, little dove.”
His hand runs up my thigh. I now curse choosing to wear shorts today, my legs are exposed and his hand on my bare skin makes me feel like I have spiders crawling over my skin. “Please… leave me alone!” I scream at the top of my lungs but his grin just gets wider.
“Do as you’re told, little dove, or I’ll make this worse for you.” He licks his lips as his eyes follow his hands as they disappear into my shorts. I have no strength; my muscles are still growing and he manages to pull my legs down. I don’t know why I don’t fight him. I feel like I’m frozen but the tears still stream down my face, dripping onto my shirt. I watch the drops turn dark, anything to keep my mind off of Louis’ fingers playing in the forbidden place. It hurts. Why does mummy and daddy both have to do grocery shopping? Why would they leave me alone with this monster? Oh, that’s right, Louis can do no wrong in their eyes.
A searing pain between my legs has me screaming out loud but only for a second before Louis clamps his hand over my mouth, his face so close to mine that I can see his pupils are as small as pin pricks. My eyes are wide. I’m frightened and there’s no one here to help me. The pain intensifies and the sobs come faster. I feel like I’m going to pass out, but I can’t. I can’t trust Louis around me if I’m not awake. Hell, I obviously can’t now.
The pain dulls to a horrible throb as he removes his hands and soon my shorts are on the floor and my forbidden place is on show. I try closing my legs but Louis is just too strong.
His body covers me and I want to scream and shout bu
t his hand covering my mouth prevents it. “You’re mine now, little dove. Don’t ever forget that.”
He grunts and the sheer pain that shoots through me has blackness closing in on me. What’s happening? What’s he doing? I don’t understand, I just know that it hurts.
Someone… Anyone… please, help me.
Jas hated that I used to throw my money around at any situation that I could. She hated me buying things for the sake of it, saying that the money could be used to help less fortunate people. I understood why she felt that way, but growing up without much, I wanted to spend my money on what I wanted and when I wanted to. And right now, that money is coming in very useful.
Having my own private jet means that I can take off and land as and when I like. I didn’t do it often but when I did, I made sure to do it in style. Leather seats and a bar lined the main area of the plane and bedrooms and a bathroom towards the back, all fitted and dressed to the highest of standards of course.
I didn’t know where to start looking for Jas, where to go first, so I decided to start from the beginning. To start where we met; in our hometown.
The five-hour flight went by slowly and by the time we landed my patience was nonexistent. I wanted to get out of this flying box and on land and find her.
Ryan is sat opposite me as we start to descend, his whole face a mask to hide his anticipation. The only thing that gives him away is the clenching of his fists as we hit the tarmac runway.
We both grew up together in our rundown neighborhood and both of our parents didn’t give a damn about their kids. That just meant that we had a stronger bond because we both related to what the other person was going through more than someone who had a good upbringing would.
“Ry?”
“Yeah,” he grunts, his eyes moving to mine and narrowing.
“You good?”
I watch his chest rise and fall on a deep breath and he nods. “Yeah, all good.”
I tilt my head and look away, waiting for the jet to come to a stop. I didn’t want to be back here either, there’s too many bad memories that surface just thinking about coming back here.
The sooner we get searching the better.
I step out of the door when it opens and jog down the stairs, breathing in the West Virginia air. I haven’t been here since that day; the day they took me away and made me break my promise to Jas.
Fuck! I left her to fend for herself.
I scrub my hands down my face and look up at the dull grey sky, the color reflecting how I’m feeling right now.
“Boss?” Ryan calls.
I turn my head to where he’s waiting next to an SUV similar to the one we have back in California.
“It’ll be dark in a couple of hours and we can head out onto the streets.”
I take a deep breath and jump into the SUV then pull my cell out. I bring up the photos and start scanning through them, looking for the last photo that me and Jas had together before all the bullshit got in the way.
I click onto the one that was taken just a couple of days before I was arrested.
My arms are wrapped around her from behind and her head is tipped back, her face open as she’s laughing. The sun shines off her brown hair, almost making it sparkle. My face is pressed into the side of her neck and if I close my eyes, I can remember the coconut smell that always surrounds her. Even weeks ago, she still smelt the same.
Some people say that love doesn’t exist, some say that there’s no such thing as love at first sight.
I call bullshit because the first time I saw her face in that coffee shop, the first time my eyes connected to hers, I knew then. I knew she was it; that she was meant for me.
I shove my cell back into my pocket as we pull up to the house that we rented and jump out, helping Ryan unload all of our bags.
I change into some jeans and a t-shirt, pulling on my sports jacket and a cap on my head. Looking into the mirror, I take stock of myself. This is what I used to be, who I used to be. I’d be the one out on the streets, hanging with the guys that you shouldn’t; the ones that would get you into trouble.
I step into the main room where Ryan waits for me and look over at him too. It’s like we’ve gone back four years.
Only four years ago, I didn’t know that I’d give my life to protect the person I love. I didn’t know how bad of a past she had, what she had been through or what we would have to fight for.
Night after night, when I was locked inside that four-wall cell, only me and my bunk mate, I would remember things; the bruises that marred her skin and the way she’d shy away from people. It was right there for me to see and I never saw it, too blinded by my feelings for her. I clench my hand into fists as the images run through my head.
I’m gonna make him pay, if it’s the last thing I do.
Four years ago
I walk into the coffee shop and head straight for the counter. Jas smiles the shy smile I’ve become accustomed to and turns away before I get to the counter, already knowing what I came in for.
“Thanks,” I say as she passes it to me and I hand her some money and wait for the change.
She closes the cash drawer and moves closer. I shiver as her fingers brush against mine when she places the coins in my hand. I grit my teeth and shake my head, trying to forget about the sensations.
Turning around, I go and sit in my usual chair and watch her, trying not to be obvious. Her eyes call to me and I feel like I have to be here. We’ve barely spoken a handful of words but I know that she watches me just as much as I watch her.
I’ve caught her several times and each time she goes bright red and looks away.
I’ve been coming here at the same time every day for the last two weeks but today is different, I came in later than I usually do because I had a last-minute meeting with my new investor. Things are progressing fast on the business front and I need to program a new code. Usually, I’d set up at home and work away on it but I wanted to be here today so I could look up and see her face anytime that I wanted to.
Pulling my laptop out, I log in and bring up the screen, tapping away as I sip on my coffee. I start on the code and get sucked into the rhythm of it, my eyes not moving from the screen.
By the time I’ve finished and I look up, it’s dark outside and I’ve drank seven coffees and a cookie that was placed in front of me without even asking for it.
Leaning against the back of the chair, I stretch high above me. My arms ache and my back pulses from being hunched over for so long.
Looking around, I spot Jas cleaning the light wooden tables and placing the matching wooden chairs upside down on top of them as she goes.
The sound of my laptop shutting gains her attention and she spins around, her hand flying to her chest as she gasps. “You scared me.”
“Sorry, love,” I say, my voice raspy from not talking for so long.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, looking down at her feet and shuffling on the spot. “We erm… we close in five.”
I raise a brow at her and stand up, craning my head and looking out the back. “You close up on your own?” I ask, not pleased with the fact that they’re leaving a young woman to close up on her own.
“Yeah,” she answers, pushing her glasses back up her nose and rubbing at her forearms. “I close up every Thursday.”
I nod, my mind working a hundred miles an hour. This isn’t a bad area by any stretch of the imagination but something pulls at me when it comes to her and the thought of her being alone here, at night, doesn’t sit well with me at all.
I step toward her as she leans down to wipe the next table and I pick up the chairs and put them on top in the same way that she did.
“You don’t have to do that.”
I shrug. “I don’t mind.”
We work fast together and finish within fifteen minutes, her locking up as we walk out of the door. I reach up and pull the shutters down for her when I see her struggling and give her a soft smile.
“Thanks,” she
softly whispers. “For you know… helping.”
The corner of my mouth lifts. “No worries.”
“Well, I better go.” She awkwardly shuffles her feet and then lifts her hand in a half wave as she walks away.
I watch her walk and just as she’s at the corner, I call out. “Jas?”
“Yeah?” She spins around.
“Want a ride?” I ask, lifting my keys in the air. I take a few steps toward her and wait for her answer. She bites her lip and looks unsure, so I say, “I won’t bite. Promise.”
“Erm… okay then.”
I smile, the biggest smile I’ve ever smiled and wave my hand in the direction of my car.
She moves robotically, looking all around her as she gets into my car. She sits stock still all the way to her place and has a nervous energy that surrounds her. I hear her intake of breath as I pull up to the curb and I squint my eyes at the figure standing outside.
“Jas? You good?”
“Yeah.” She says it too quickly for my liking but I shrug it off and offer her a smile as she turns toward me.
“Thanks again, Jay.” She looks down at her lap and then back out of the window to her house. “I better go.”
I nod and flick my eyes to the figure who is now walking toward us.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asks, pulling the handle on the door but not pushing it open until I answer her.
“Yep.”
“Okay, bye.”
She steps out of the car and just before the door shuts all the way, I say, “Bye, Jasmine.”
God, I love the way her name sounds coming out of my mouth.
Present
“I know you know where he is!” I scream at the guy lying on the floor with blood dripping down his face. “Don’t fucking lie to me!”
“I-I-I don’t,” he stammers, moving around on the floor like a wet fish.
After a couple of hits to the face, he soon squealed like a baby. That’s the thing about the majority of his people out on the streets. They like to act all big and bad, thinking because they have a few tats and are in with the ‘top guy’ that they’re as hard as nails, but they’re not.