by L. Grubb
“What? Yeah, sorry. Daydreaming.” He smiles at me but it’s one that doesn’t reach his eyes. My lips draw into a thin line and my mind works overdrive. What could he be thinking to give him such a look? He came here with burgers and a great sense of humor but I sense a darkness enveloping him, darkening his mood.
“Okay. Well, thanks for the burger. I better get some sleep, early class tomorrow and all that.” I send him a sidelong look.
Confusion clouds my mind as I climb from the vehicle and slam the door shut behind me, he didn’t even acknowledge me when I left the car. Tears spring to my eyes as I imagine him thinking that I’m way to damaged to be around. My shoulders slouch forward in defeat. I’m not doing the running, I’m not putting myself into a position that will humiliate me. Haven’t I been through enough?
“Jas! Wait!” Jay’s voice sounds from behind me but I don’t slow my steps, instead, I walk faster, wincing as I do so from the pulsing pain radiating through my ribs, reaching the dorm building before him and I power through the door and slam it shut before taking the stairs as quick as I can without causing the pain to increase and straight to mine and Callie’s room. I don’t want to hear his excuses. He’s either in the mood to hang out or he can go away and hang out with his own mind, which is what I suspect he was doing anyway.
Callie is snoring on her bed, an arm thrown over her head and another is hanging off the bed. Her snoring drives me crazy but I’ve frickin’ missed it and don’t bother nudging her. It’s reassurance that I’m safe and sound, that Louis can’t hurt me anymore. I heard the bullet, I heard the silence. He’ll never get to me again. At least physically, anyway.
I change into my purple bunny pajamas, and climb beneath the cool comforter and shuffle down until I’m wrapped in the soft cotton sheets, feeling wrapped, safe and warm. But that’s when the tears start making tracks down my face, speedily. What hurts is his blatant disregard for me leaving the car and walking away, not even bothering to say bye. One simple word and he couldn’t even say it. I want to scream and punch something, that isn’t me, but the urge is there with the anger simmering through my bloodstream. A ping from my cell alerts me of a new message and I debate with myself whether to even bother checking. I know it’s from Jay and I don’t really feel like listening to his excuses.
The curiosity gets the better of me though and I’m soon scrambling from my comforter and leaning down and searching through my bag for my cell.
Jas, I’m sorry, okay? My mind is elsewhere, it’s fucking screaming at me. I know you and I know you don’t want excuses but I needed to apologize. Jay x
I shake my head and plug my charger into the port of my cell before placing it on my bedside table. Like I said, I don’t want pathetic excuses. If his head was somewhere else to begin with, why even bother coming over? Frustrated, hurt and angry, I turn onto my other side and let the tears fall onto my pillow. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be better, I say to myself like a mantra in my head. I will get stronger. I have to.
I stare at the dorm building doors after I send the text for what feels like hours, but in reality, it’s mere minutes. My mind is all over the place and I can’t think straight knowing that Louis is not only alive - well barely alive - but that he’s in the same state as Jas.
She may think that I’m not interested but that’s the furthest from the truth. I desperately want to be with her, I just need to take care of this first and then I can concentrate on her. Although now that I know she’s noticing that something is bothering me, I think it’s time to move the schedule ahead.
I turn the key in the ignition, the engine roaring to life and pull away from the sidewalk. My fingers tap against the top of the steering wheel as I speed down the empty, dark streets. My heart rate picks up the closer to the warehouse I get.
This will be the last time I make this journey. I need to put an end to this for once and for all, not just for my sake, and sanity, but mainly for Jas’.
Pulling the car to a stop, I push open the door and get out, rolling my neck from side to side as I walk to the door. I pull it open, squinting in through the muted light and waiting for my sight to adjust.
“Boss,” Ryan says from my left. I turn to face him and study him for several seconds. His furrowed brow and tensed muscles signal that something is going on, that something is wrong and I immediately step forward.
“What’s happened?”
He tilts his head over to Louis, wincing at the sight of him.
I slowly crane my neck back and step closer with Ryan following closely behind me. The light overhead gets brighter the closer I get to Louis and when I’m a few feet away, I see the grey, ashy tone to his skin. I wait for his chest to rise and fall, for him to draw a breath, but after counting to ten in my head, I don’t see anything.
“What the fuck did you do!” I scream, turning to Ryan, grabbing him by his t-shirt and yanking him forward.
“Nothing.” He shakes his head vehemently. “I swear, I didn’t do anything, one minute he was looking at me and then the next he was shaking and then he just… he just died.”
“Fuuuck!” I let him go like he’s just burned me and take several steps back, gripping the sides of my head in my hands and pulling at my hair. This wasn’t how it was meant to happen!
My head spins, not knowing what to do. I had a plan and now it’s all gone to shit.
“I tried to-”
“Shut up,” I growl, lifting my head back up and our eyes clash. His widen a fraction as I stare him down and whatever he sees must have him on high alert because he raises his hands in the air and backs away a couple of steps.
He knows me better than anyone, he knows that I can get past the point of return, and when I do, there’s nothing I can do to control myself or my anger, and I can feel myself getting to that point the longer I stand here.
Abruptly, I turn to Louis and walk over to one of the metal poles, unwrapping the chain and watching as his body dangles in the air with only one of his arms being held up. I move to the other pole, undoing that chain and smirking at the thud as his body slams down onto the floor.
“Bring the truck around,” I tell Ryan, not turning to look at him.
I listen as his footsteps sound against the floor and then the creak of the door as he pushes it open before I crouch down.
“You got off lightly, you sick son of a bitch.”
I stand back up, lifting my booted foot up off the floor and slamming it down on his head before walking backwards until I get halfway to the door.
“What’s the plan?” Ryan asks when he walks back in.
“Take him to the woods, burn him and then bury his ashes.”
“On it,” he replies.
I take one last look at him before I walk out the door and back to my car.
Even though I planned to end him tonight, I didn’t want it to happen this way. I wanted him to be in excruciating pain right up to the second he took his last breath.
Either way, he’s gone now and it means that I can finally get things back on track with Jas.
I pull my cell out, hoping that there will be a message from her. When I see there isn’t, I drop my cell on the passenger seat and start the engine.
I need to give her time and let her have a couple of days back at college before I drop the bomb on her of what happened and where I went all those years ago. She has to settle back into her normal life and if that means staying away for a couple of days for her to do that, then that’s what I’ll do, even though it kills me to be this close to her and not see her. But for her, I’ll do anything.
The drive back to my apartment doesn’t take long and as soon as I park my car in the underground lot, I can feel everything finally lifting off my shoulders. I didn’t even realize that I was carrying such weight on top of them, but now Louis is dead, I’m relieved.
“Bro!” I jump out of my skin at the knock on my window and turn my head, laughing at what I see. Dante has his face mashed up against the w
indow.
“Move,” I say, trying to sound stern but failing.
He chuckles and backs away, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets as I step out of the car.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, pressing the key fob to lock the car.
“I missed my big bro!” He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in as we walk to the front of my apartment building. “Thought we could have a guy’s night.”
“Yeah?” I snort. “And what does ‘guy’s night’ consist of?”
“Hell if I know.” He shrugs. “Beer and a horror movie?”
I wince at the thought of a horror movie, I’ve seen enough blood over the last few days to last a lifetime.
“How about a comedy?” I ask as I pull the building doors open.
“Sure, bro, whatever floats your boat.”
I shake my head at him but can’t help the smirk spreading on my face. Maybe it’s exactly what I need; some quality time with my little bro.
I woke up with a fresh perspective on life this morning. The air around me felt cleaner, even if Callie’s feet did make the dorm room smell like a rat had died, the sun seemed to shine brighter and the sky was a brilliant shade of blue. The chirping birds brought a small smile to my face and I laid in bed a few extra minutes just to listen to their songs.
Classes this morning were okay, there were a few whispers and points my way but I ignored them, not giving them the satisfaction nor rising to the challenge of correcting the rumors they were spreading. The one I overheard in my Biology class was that my ‘boyfriend’ had deliberately crashed the car in a suicide pact between us. Seriously? People really thought this about me? If it wasn’t for the fact that my body was still healing and the memories were still fresh, I’d laugh in their faces because it’s utterly ridiculous.
I meet Callie by the Statue in the center of campus and we walk across the street to the little French Bistro that sits on the corner. Walking in, my nose is assaulted with the smells of fresh Croissants and Crêpes and my stomach lets out a rumble loud enough for a few diners to turn their heads my way. I blush furiously and quickly walk to the counter to order a chocolate croissant and a skinny latte and wait for Callie to order before I pay for our orders.
“You didn’t have to pay, Jas.” Callie puts a hand on my arm as I’m about to walk away, halting me in my tracks. “Honestly.”
“I wanted to. It’s not like I’ve been the outgoing friend who dined with you or went places with you. I want to treat you for not making my clusterfuck of a life such a big deal.” I smile at her over my shoulder and her hand drops to her side.
“Well aren’t you full of sentimental bullshit. I’ve never heard you speak like that to me before, including cursing.” Her face is like a kid at Christmas. I swear, she’s acting like I’ve never spoke kindly to a human being before. I guess I did stereotype her, I did frown down on the way she was ploughing through college with sex, drugs and alcohol, but I still loved her. It’s why, before the crash, I voiced my opinions openly to her. I ended up the one burned but I don’t regret anything I said. She took in the advice and I like the new, less slutty, version of Callie. I feel I can hang around with her now that her dress sense has changed and now that her brain has been rewired making her, at least, a little more intelligent now she actually attends all her classes.
“Hardy-ha.” We grab a table by the window to wait for our orders. “How was the morning classes for you?”
“Great. Mr Jenkins has already set homework. I knew that degenerate asshole would. He’s the only professor that gives the shit out at the beginning of semester.” She sighs and leans her head on her hand, her elbow edged on the table at a weird, oddly painful looking position. “At least it’s only Sociology so it’s easy enough.”
“I’ll stick to my bio-science classes than to have to sit through one of Mr Jenkins’ lessons. I’ve heard he’s quite the bore.” I wrinkle my nose. Nothing worse than lessons lead by professor’s who don’t look like they want to even be there. Teaching should be something to embrace, to feel proud of, especially when you’re extending your mind to the younger generations, the next big CEO of a massive billion-dollar company, the head of the FBI, a world-renowned surgeon. I’m lucky with my professors, they’re all interested in teaching a class, they interact with individual students, they set fun in-lesson projects. But unfortunately, Callie chose some rather boring subjects, sociology is the worst but her Major is Psychology… that can’t be much fun either.
“Seriously, it’s like trying to learn stuff about a subject from a snake. It’s awful.” Shaking her head, she blows away a loose strand of her long, light blonde hair and pouts in misery. “You’re definitely the lucky one.”
My mind goes fuzzy and I have to swallow around the lump that’s lodged deep in my throat. Lucky? Me? I think I’m far from it. I know I’m far from it.
“Oh, Jas, don’t start the pity party after having such a good day. You’re not getting sympathy from me, girl.” Callie raises an eyebrow at me, the left corner of her mouth lifting up in a smirk.
This pulls a laugh out from deep within me, from somewhere in my body that I thought was dead along with Louis. “Shut up.”
A wide smile spreads across her face, making her eyes twinkle in the mid afternoon sun shining through the window.
A waitress brings over our orders and we both say ‘merci’ before she waltz’s away to service another table. The bistro is enveloped in dark wood walls and white tiled floors, the tables are covered in a deep red cloth, they’re square and made of sturdy oak and the artwork displayed on the walls are hand painted prints from various parts of France, throwing you into the lives of the French in the most romantic place in the world. I’d love to go there one day, to experience the cobbles beneath my feet and the Eiffel tower looming high in the sky and the many museums that would fascinate me.
“Jas?” Callie is staring at me with a perfectly plucked eyebrow raised high into her hairline. “Daydreaming of something important I hope.”
“Paris. Just dreaming of one day being there and to experience the love in the air and the delicacy of different foods. One day maybe, it’s on my bucket list.” I shrug nonchalantly as she stares at me with her mouth open. “What?”
“You actually have a bucket list?” She licks her lips before taking a sip of her latte.
“Of course. Doesn’t everyone?” Now I feel stupid. Though Callie isn’t exactly the most conventional of people and doesn’t know about much unless it involves a man, or Dante nowadays, between her legs.
“No? I don’t know. I don’t have one. I’m pretty fucking surprised you do though,” she replies, shoving a small piece of her crepe into her mouth, moaning at the taste and licking her fingers clean. I know how she feels, the chocolate croissant attacks my taste buds when invading my mouth but I certainly don’t moan out loud.
“Well, I do. I’ve been adding things since I was little. It was something to pass the time.” It’s one good memory I have of my previous life; laying on my bed or sat at my desk imagining places I’d love to go to, to things I want to achieve or do. It kept me going at a time when I needed a distraction.
“Sorry for the abrupt change in subject but have you heard from Jay? I know you saw him last night but, well, we both know how that ended. Has he called or text?” Callie finishes her food and sits back in the cushioned chair.
“Yeah, but, to be honest, after his distance toward me last night, I’m not all that bothered and didn’t reply. I need to focus on my classes.” Shrugging, I push my empty plate away and finish my coffee. “I need to focus on myself for once in my life.”
“Hear hear, sister!” She high fives me and I giggle. Like I’ve said before, Callie is all I need to get back on my feet.
Shaking my head, ridding the last of the amusements coursing through me. I check my little red watch and have the urge to curse loudly. “Gotta go, class starts in ten. Catch ya later?”
“Sure thing, I better
get to my class too.” She gives me a hug and we leave, with a wave to the girl behind the counter, walking speedily back across the street and back onto campus. With a quick ‘goodbye’ we head in opposite directions. I don’t bother checking my phone to see if Jay has bothered to text me again. My focus needs to be on studies from now on. Nothing and no-one will get in the way of that. Not this time.
I lean back in my office chair, stretching my arms high above my head and feeling the wonderful pull in my muscles. I always lose track of time when I’m coding. It’s like the whole world stops and all that exists is the screen of my laptop in front of me and the keys on the keyboard.
Typing away and hearing the clicking of the keys as my fingers fly over them is a sound that I’ve missed. The thrill of writing something in one day that would normally take weeks has a smile lifting the corners of my mouth. It feels like forever since I got to sit and write code and I’ve missed it.
I look down and pick up my cell off the desk, unlocking it and checking my emails and replying to them before I open my message app. It’s been three days since I turned up with a burger at Jas’ dorm and messaged her afterwards apologizing and still I haven’t had a reply.
I know that she needs to get back to normal but ignoring me over something like that has me wondering if I should tell her what happened all those years ago. If she reacted like that just because I was somewhere else in my mind, how would she react when she learns of the things I’ve done? The people I’ve hurt.
Fuck, I can’t think straight when it comes to her and all I can come up with is to tell her everything, to get it all off my chest and be over and done with it; no more secrets.
I shut the lid of my laptop and push my chair back, standing up and walking out of my home office and into the bathroom. Switching on the shower, I step straight in and let the cold-water prickle over my skin. As it heats up, steam swirls around the bathroom, covering the shower doors.