by L. Grubb
I rest my hand on the tiled wall and close my eyes as I lean forward, the water flowing over my head and down my back. Memories of what I did in prison to survive flash through my mind. Some of the things I’ve done would make Jas cringe and look at me differently. Hell, even I look at me differently. I know that she won’t look at me the same but I can’t help thinking that if she doesn’t know the real me, the one who has a dark side to him, that she’ll never really know me.
It’s time to be honest with her and stop treating her with kid gloves.
My head lifts as I make the decision and I wash my body and hair quickly, turning the water off and wrapping a towel around my hips.
Walking into the vast master bedroom, I head to my walk-in closet and pick up the first pair of black jeans I see and step into them, grabbing a light blue t-shirt and putting it on too. Sitting down on the edge of the bed I pull my socks and combat boots on then walk to the kitchen, picking up my jacket and keys and heading out.
It’s time to get this over with, to tell her the truth and see what comes of it.
The drive to the dorms doesn’t take long and I park in the lot that is attached to it, stepping out of my car and jogging to the building and up the steps.
The main area is full of students; studying and hanging out. They go silent when I walk in and I turn to face them, scowling and walking away. People tend to think certain things of me because of the way I look and the way I act, and they’d be right to think that. I can be dangerous when I want to be, there’s no doubt about the lengths I’d go to for the people I care about.
I lift my hand when I get to her dorm door and rap my knuckles on it, waiting for someone to answer. There’s shuffling for a second and then the door opens slowly and Jas’ face appears.
“What do you want?” She frowns.
“We need to talk,” I tell her, my voice stern.
Her brows raise as she worries her lip. “I’m busy studying, Jay.”
She moves to close the door so I edge my foot in the way to block it and push the door open with my hand. She squeaks and steps back several steps as I walk inside and close the door behind me.
“What are you doing?” she whisper-shouts, backing away even more into the small room until her back hits the wall.
“I told you, we need to talk. I’ve given you several days now but I can’t wait any longer.” I scrub my hands down my face and then point to the chair. “Can I sit?”
“S-sure.”
I ignore the voice in the back of my head that tells me now isn’t the right time. If I don’t tell her now, I don’t think I ever will.
“There’s things that you don’t know,” I start.
I let that hang in the air for a second and look up as she slowly moves forward and sits on her bed. “What things?”
I take a much-needed breath and lean forward, resting my forearms on my thighs and clutching my hands together.
“I didn’t just leave all those years ago, Jas.” I look up at her, keeping my eyes to hers. “I went to prison.” She gasps but before she says anything, I continue. “Let me finish before you say anything, okay?”
She nods her head slowly, her hand covering her mouth and her eyes as wide as saucers.
“The day that you were going to tell your parents what he was doing to you, they came and arrested me. I tried to fight as hard as I could but the evidence they had was solid. The thing is, Jas, I didn’t even do anything. I was set-up. At first, I thought they’d made a genuine mistake.” I look down at the floor, scowling. “Until a few months later when Louis turned up in prison.”
The room is so silent that for a second I think she’s not there, but when I look up, I can see that she’s watching me intently.
“That’s how I found out what he was actually doing to you, Jas.”
I watch as tears spring from her eyes and flow down her face and I can’t stand it any longer, I stand up and kneel down in front of her, resting my hands on her thighs.
“All this time,” she croaks. “I thought that you just left me, that you didn’t want me anymore.”
“No, sweetheart, not at all. I wanted you so bad that it hurt but I had no way to contact you, and when I got out, I hadn’t got a clue where you were.”
She sniffles and hiccups, wiping her face with the sleeve of her jacket and looking down at me. “Is that everything?”
“No.” I sigh.
My heart rate picks up as I watch her closely, knowing that this could be the turning point for us, whether that turns in the right or wrong direction is anyone’s guess. If she hates me cursing, then she’s going to hate what I did; the violence that I used.
“Tell me,” she whispers.
“Louis didn’t die that day.”
“Oh God,” she cries, lifting her knees to her chest and shuffling back on the bed to get far away from me.
I hang my head in shame and will myself to continue. “I brought him back here and we took him to a warehouse. I had to make him hurt, Jas. I had to.”
“No, you didn’t,” she says.
“I did,” I spit out, venom and anger lacing my words. “I had to make him suffer even just a little of what you did.”
“Get out,” she whispers.
“Jas.”
“I said, get out!”
I close my eyes and count to ten, standing up and walking to the door.
“You know,” I say when I get to the door. “Your expectations can be impossible sometimes.”
“Excuse me?” she shrieks.
I spin around, clenching my jaw and trying to keep my temper under control.
“I get that what you went through was bad, heartbreaking, utterly soul destroying but you’re not the only one who’s life was turned upside down. I spent years in that prison, not even being able to see my own brother when I wanted to. I know it’s nothing compared to what happened to you but I lost years of my life that I’ll never get back.” I stop for a breath. “So yeah, I made him pay, not just for what he did to you but for what he did to me too, and if you can’t see past that then I’m sorry. Not for what I did, but for upsetting you because he deserved what he got and being able to be the one that got that revenge is something I’ll never regret.” I don’t wait for an answer before I pull the door open and step out.
“By the way,” I say, just before I close the door. “He’s dead now, you’re finally safe.” I pull the door closed, the soft click echoing through the hall.
I’ve been stunned into silence. Jay’s confession has my body shivering but I’m not cold on the outside but on the inside, I’m frozen. My heart is an iceberg and my stomach is the rolling waves. I can’t describe the pain his words have caused me. All those years ago he promised never to lay a finger on Louis, to not cause any more trouble than my brother had already caused.
His promise broken and my heart shattered, I curl on my bed in a fetal position, a failed attempt to protect myself from a crushed heart. He was right in some aspects though, my expectations can be impossible. I don’t like things that hurt other people; cursing, violence and verbal abuse, but shouldn’t everyone have those expectations in the guy’s they plan to spend the rest of their lives with? Okay, cursing is something everyone does, and I admit that my views on that are a little overdramatic, but I’m entitled to an opinion, right?
If I was more like Callie, this hurt I’m feeling wouldn’t be so painful, I wouldn’t wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see. Here’s me thinking Jay was different, but he’s just like all the people my father warned me about. Did prison change him? What could have happened that turned him into a murderer?
A shiver takes over my body and little pimples raise along my skin on my arms and chest. My boyfriend the murderer. Who would have thought? And he lied to me… telling me Louis died back at the cabin. I’ve been back a few days and I felt lighter than I ever have before knowing my brother would never touch a hair on my head again. When really, Jay brought him to LA with us. To what?
Torture him because of his sick and twisted views on revenge?
Was he protecting me or is his anger out of control? Questions are flying through my brain and I don’t know which one I want to know the answer to the most.
I hear the door opening and then the soft click of it closing before something heavy lands on the floor but I don’t move.
“Jas? What the fuck? What’s happened?” Callie comes and perches on the end of my bed, her hand stroking my arm, soothing me. “Please, tell me.”
I don’t know where to start or if I even want to confess that I’m in love with someone who enjoys inflicting pain on another human being, even if the victim happened to be the one who had abused me since the age of eight. “Jay killed Louis.”
“Yeah, back at the cabin, we already knew this. Hang on, but wasn’t it one of the other dudes that showed up that made the shot?” Callie’s brows are drawn down as she bites her lower lip in confusion.
“He brought Louis back here. He… he…” I don’t even know how to say the words that have turned my body to ice. “Tortured and killed him.”
“Good riddance to the little toad is what I say. Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost? I don’t understand.” Callie wouldn’t understand though, would she? She doesn’t share the same views on life as I do.
“That’s not the point. All those years ago, Jay made a promise to never lay a finger on Louis. But that isn’t all. He didn’t just leave me willingly, he was arrested and imprisoned.” I take a deep breath, the pain stealing the air in my lungs, making them burn.
“Prison? What the hell for? I mean, I knew he was a bit of a tough guy but I wouldn’t have thought he was a criminal.” Her confusion is growing and my lack of explanation isn’t helping matters. Hell, I don’t even know the full story, I kicked him out before hearing what he had to say.
“He got set up by Louis.” That’s the impression I got from Jay anyway. “Louis ended up in the same prison as him… I don’t know what happened because I kicked him out before he could tell me anything more.” Tears pour from my eyes, landing on the pillow beneath my cheek.
“And you’re mad at him for something Louis has done? Yet again your brother has ruined another life but all you can think about is yourself?” There’s anger in the undertone of her voice and I’m taken aback, the tears momentarily halting in their tracks.
“What?” I whisper, my eyebrows raised at Callie.
“Come the fuck on, Jas, you’re not that stupid. You’re the smartest person I know. You really think his whole revenge thing was to do with what Louis did to you? Louis put him in prison and we all know what happens in those places.” She grimaces and rubs a hand along her forehead. “He didn’t just do it for you, Jas, he did it because Louis ruined his fucking life.”
The cogs are working in my brain as I register her words. I’ve been so stupid. I have no clue what Jay went through, I didn’t know that part of him and I’ve had no reason to ask about his past because he’d hurt me back then, leaving without a goodbye. Did he really act out in revenge for himself, as well as me? Or am I deluded in thinking that?
“Stop being so selfish, Jas. Life doesn’t just revolve around you.” Callie gets up and retrieves her backpack off the floor and places it on her bed. I can feel the anger rolling off her in waves of fire. Am I really that selfish? “Oh, and another thing, I may be your best friend and love you like a sister, but sometimes you really fucking infuriate me.”
“Thanks,” I mumble sarcastically. Shame floods my bloodstream and I’m finding it hard to catch my breath. I hate to say it, but I really am a selfish bitch. Life doesn’t just revolve around me. Callie’s right, who the hell am I? Who have I turned myself into? “You’re right, you know. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
A long, drawn out sigh comes from Callie as she turns with hands on hips. Her face has softened this time as she tells me, “Look, stop the pity party. You’ve been doing great that last few days. Don’t let this ruin that, yeah? Give it a few days and then think about apologizing to the man that saved your fucking life.”
I sit up, crossing my legs and wringing my hands in my lap. “You’re right, as per usual. It’s time for a change.” My voice is strong, conviction behind my words. I am stronger than I look, I am stronger than I feel. I can do this and with Callie by my side I can do anything.
“That’a girl!” Callie pumps a fist in the air, making me laugh. “Does the new you want to party?”
Throwing my hands in the air, I reply, “Fuck it, why not.”
Callie’s mouth drops open, making me chuckle again. “Jasmine Porter, did you just curse… again?”
“Sure, it’s not that bad I guess. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone is it?” A smile breaks through and Callie laughs. Time for a change and cursing made some of the tension in me crumble. Who knew cursing could be so liberating. Time to get my A-game on and try and enjoy life with no threats of the past hurtling toward me. It’s time to be me.
I head straight to the gym when I leave the dorms. My heart beating so fast that I’m sure it will pop out of my chest at any second. I shouldn’t have said some of the things I did, but there’s nothing I can do about it now but work my frustrations out on the machines.
I spend a good couple of hours in the gym, running on the treadmill and lifting weights to tire myself out. I want to be able to go home, grab a shower and get straight into bed and fall to sleep without tossing and turning for hours like I usually do. And that’s exactly what I do. I don’t allow myself to feel anything but the burn in my muscles.
I pass out as soon as I hit the pillow, thankful that my mind isn’t working on overdrive.
I groan and roll over, wondering what woke me up from the first peaceful night’s sleep I’ve had in what feels like forever. My eyes open a crack and I look around my dark room, catching the time on my alarm clock. It reads two-thirty a.m. Damn, what the hell woke me?
I’m just closing my eyes again when my cell buzzes on the bedside table. I reach my hand out, picking it up and wincing from the bright light. My pulse spikes when I see Jas’ name on the screen and I jab the green answer button.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice gruff from sleep.
“Jay!” she squeals. “You answered!”
“Jas?” I sit up and rub my hands over my eyes, trying to wake myself up. “Are you-”
“I’m drunk!” she giggles.
I flip the comforter off me and stand, trying to pull my jeans on with only one hand. Jas never drinks and I can’t help but wonder if it’s my fault she drank tonight, if what I said drove her to the edge.
“Where are you?” I ask, concern etched in my voice.
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” Her voice lowers and rustling sounds over the line before she says, “For what he did to you.”
I huff out a breath and stand still in the middle of my bedroom. I hate the thought of her drunk and me not there to protect her.
“Tell me where you are.”
“I don’t know,” she says. “I’m at a party.”
I grab a shirt and hold it in my hand as I push my feet into my boots and walk into the living room to get my keys.
“Who are you with?”
“I was with Callie and Dante, but… I can’t find them now.” Her voice hitches as she talks and I have to take a deep breath to try and calm down. I need to get to her, quick.
“Is there anyone around you?” I ask. “Someone who can tell me where you are.”
“Hold on.”
I hear the sound of her footsteps over the line and then several people talking before she comes back on and tells me where she is.
“I’ll be right there, don’t move,” I tell her, pressing the end call button and pulling my shirt over my head before I jog out of the apartment and down to my car.
I drive like a maniac all the way there and when I pull up outside the house, I see her straight away, sat on the front lawn, her knees pulled up to her chest with
her arms wrapped around them and her head resting on her knees.
“Jas!” I shout, jumping out of the car and running to her.
“Hey.” She lifts her head up and smiles lazily.
“Come on.” I crouch down. “Let’s get you home.”
“I don’t want to go,” she groans, trying to stand up but failing as she falls on her ass.
“How much have you drank?” I ask.
I know she’s not used to drinking so it really could have only taken a couple of drinks to get her in this state.
“She’s only had a couple.” I look up to the sound of Callie’s voice. “We’ve been looking all over for her.” She frowns, looking down at Jas. “Where the hell did you go?”
“She called me,” I explain, holding my arms out for Jas and trying to help her stand up. She wobbles several times before finally I just give in and pick her up, cradling her in my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder. I shiver as her soft breath tickles my neck and then grit my teeth when her lips touch my skin.
“So soft,” she murmurs.
Callie laughs and moves forward, touching her arm to gain her attention. “Remember what I said earlier.”
Jas nods in reply and then Callie winks as she spins around and walks back into the house.
“Where are we going?” Jas asks when I get her in the car.
“Wherever you want to go.”
I shut the door and jog around the front of the car, jumping in my seat and turning to face Jas as she says, “I want to go to yours.”
My hands tighten on the steering wheel at her words and I nod slowly, turning the key and driving back to my place. She’s never been in my apartment and I really didn’t want the first time to be when she’s drunk as a skunk.
By the time we get there, she’s asleep and I carry her all the way up, placing her straight on my bed, taking her shoes off and making sure she’s comfortable.
She whispers something and I crouch down to hear her better, asking what she said.