An Ex to Grind

by Jane Heller

  “You’re blaming me?” she said, her voice getting all screechy.

  “Well, you’re the one who’s supposed to come up with women he’ll be attracted to, not repelled by.”

  “I thought he’d be attracted to Rochelle.”

  “She was too skinny for him. He likes them not to look like they’ll blow away in a light breeze.” I sighed, deflated. “I get the feeling you’re holding out on me, Desiree. You’re not giving me the cream of the crop here. Where are the ones with the looks and the personality and the careers? Why aren’t we fixing Dan up with one of them?”

  “Because I pair my A-list women with my A-list men, and Dan isn’t even a C-lister.”

  “Then how come both Jelly and Rochelle were disappointed that he wasn’t interested? Obviously, there are women out there who want to spend time with him. Can’t we at least try him out on one of your best ones?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come on, Desiree,” I pleaded. “I really need this to happen.”

  “Fine. Pay me an extra thousand and I’ll give him Leah.”

  “An extra thousand? What makes her worth that?” I sounded like a john bargaining with a madam, didn’t I?

  “She’s a prize, that’s what. She’s only been a client for a month, and I don’t expect her to be on the singles market long.”

  “How old is she?”

  “Thirty-one.”

  “Pretty?”

  “She has the face of an angel and the body of a stripper. A knockout in anyone’s book, but she doesn’t flaunt it. Not even the silky brown hair, the kind you see in those shampoo commercials. Trust me, she’s as bee-uteeful on the inside as she is on the outside.”

  “What does this paragon do for a living?”

  “She’s a veterinarian with her own practice, so your dog will love her.”

  “Buster doesn’t have to love her. Dan does.”

  “How could he not? She’s independent but also nurturing, carefree but also sensible, sexy but also—”

  “As pure as the driven snow. I get the point. But if she’s so perfect, how come she needs you to find her a man?”

  “Because she’s picky, like all my A-listers. So if you want me to set her up with Dan, it’s gonna cost you.”

  What could I say? Leah sounded so great I was ready to move in with her myself.

  That night Weezie came into the city and met me for dinner at the Hungarian place next to the Heartbreak Hotel. It was sweet of her to drive all the way down to Hell’s Kitchen, and she could certainly have afforded to eat at a fancier place, but she insisted that she found my neighborhood “exciting and eclectic.” I promised that I’d meet her closer to her neighborhood the next time.

  I was surprised that Nards wasn’t with her—they were one of those couples who are so compatible that they do everything together—but she explained that he was home nursing a bad back and wailing about it.

  “You know doctors,” she said. “They’re the worst patients.”

  “Otherwise, life is good?” I said as we sipped martinis. I never drank martinis except when I was with Weezie, next to whom I always felt like such a wimp. She could handle anything, even a drink that tasted like kerosene.

  “Better than good,” she said. “The kids are doing well in school. My parents are healthy—they’re off on a cruise, in fact. I’m chairing the historical society fund-raiser this spring. And Nards has so much business that he’s decided to bring another doctor into the practice.”

  “‘Better than good’ is right and I couldn’t be more envious, but do you ever feel—I don’t know—ambivalent about not having a career anymore?”

  “I have a career,” she said with a hearty laugh. “It’s called being a wife and mother.”

  “Of course,” I said. “I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t working as hard as you did at Pierce, Shelley.”

  “Harder. You try juggling everything I juggle. And no, I don’t feel ambivalent about it at all. Why the question?”

  “I guess I’ve been thinking about men lately.”

  She smiled. “That’s a positive sign. Anybody in particular?”

  “God, no. Nothing like that. It’s just that I had this conversation with a new neighbor—his name is Evan—and it stirred me up.”

  “He stirred you up?” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

  “The conversation did,” I said with emphasis. “He was talking about how men are being nudged aside in our culture, while women are zooming ahead. Sort of the same thing Nards was talking about on Christmas Eve. It was interesting hearing it from someone else’s point of view.”

  “Did he lose his job?”

  I nodded. “He said it was reverse sexism.”

  “Sour grapes.”

  “Maybe. But I can sort of see how it must drive men crazy when they’re told they’re not the ‘right demographic.’ ”

  “Come on. Women of past generations had to listen to that for years.”

  “But those same women waged a battle to get into the best business schools and law schools and medical schools. Now we get into them without even having to think about it. We land the top jobs and then we give it all up to raise children. Well, you did. Lots of women do. I’m just saying that if I were a guy, I might hate us.”

  “They can hate us all they want, but that’s no excuse for curling up in the fetal position and sucking their thumb. Some of the mothers at my kids’ school—the mothers of boys—were complaining the other day that the educational system favors girls and that their sons are failing as a result. So ridiculous.”

  “Is it, Weezie? Then why are so many boys falling behind and dropping out of the system?”

  “Because when the going gets tough, they sit on their asses playing video games instead of putting themselves out there. They lack our survival instinct, which is why they die before we do.”

  I laughed. “Dan won’t die before I do. He exists just to torment me.”

  “This alimony thing has really shaken you up, hasn’t it?”

  “More than I realized. Instead of getting on with my life, I spend much too much time obsessing about it. It’s unhealthy and I know it, but I can’t help myself.”

  “Hey, you got a raw deal—especially since you stayed with Dan longer than most women would have.”

  “I loved him, Weezie.”

  “I know you did. I liked him a lot myself, until he turned into someone who couldn’t handle not being the big man on campus anymore.” She sipped her drink. She’d ordered the restaurant’s house martini, which, of course, had paprika in it. “It was painful watching how the two of you went in opposite directions. The higher you rose, the lower he sank, speaking of boys who drop out.”

  “So you understand why I’m crazed?”

  “Who wouldn’t be?” she said. “But now you’re in Desiree’s capable hands. How’s it going with her?”

  “Her capable hands weren’t so capable with her first two clients.”

  “Maybe Dan’s not ready for a new woman. Maybe he’s still hot for you.”

  “Yeah, right. We wouldn’t even be speaking to each other if it weren’t for Buster.” Still hot for me. That was a joke. He couldn’t stand the sight of me, and the feeling was mutual. “No, he just didn’t click with the two she set him up with. But now she’s bringing out the heavy artillery. Tomorrow afternoon, a woman named Leah Purcell will take a walk in Central Park, where he’ll just happen to be playing football. She’s one of Desiree’s A-list clients, whatever that means, so I’m cautiously optimistic.”

  “Dan doesn’t have a clue what’s going on?”

  “None. Neither do the women. Desiree just tells them that he’s a former pro athlete with too much pride to be fixed up by a professional matchmaker. She sells them a line about how a dear friend of his came to her instead, begging her to find him someone. Since there are so few eligible bachelors around, these women are desperate enough to actually buy it.”

  “Desiree can
sell anyone anything.”

  “So I’m learning. How well did you get to know her when you were a client?”

  “Not very well. Who can penetrate those wigs?”

  I laughed. “Any idea if there’s a Mr. Klein?”

  “There was a Mr. Klein and three other husbands.”

  “She was married to four men?”

  “And divorced each one.”

  “Great. So this four-time loser is giving everybody else advice about love?” And I had put my life in her hands?

  “You know the expression: ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.’ Look at the smart advice she gave me. Nards isn’t the most ambitious guy in the world or even the handsomest, but she convinced me that he was a better catch than all the rest because he’s hardworking and dependable—qualities that are scarce in men, as we’ve established. I told you, she’s a matchmaking genius.”

  “An expensive matchmaking genius.”

  “If she gets you out of the alimony, she deserves whatever you’re paying her.”

  “Okay. I’ll drink to that.”

  We raised our glasses in anticipation of a toast.

  “To Desiree,” said Weezie.

  “To Leah,” I said. “May she be the woman of Dan’s dreams.”

  “And the answer to your prayers,” she added.

  We clinked glasses and downed the martinis.

  Chapter

  12

  You’ve heard of wishing on a star? Well, I’d wished on a martini, and it worked. Leah showed up in Central Park, struck up a conversation with Dan, and lit his fire in a way that no woman—well, no woman since yours truly—had in years.

  “Desiree Klein delivers!” said the engineer of this wondrous pairing when she called me at the office with the news.

  Usually, my eyes glaze over when people start speaking of themselves in the third person, but I bolted straight up in my chair. “Leah and Dan liked each other?”

  “An understatement,” she said. “I think they’re in love.”

  “Give me a break, Desiree,” I said. “Nobody falls in love that fast.”

  As soon as I said it, I realized it wasn’t true. I had fallen in love that fast. With Dan. But we were young and naive back then. Mere children.

  “I’m telling you, Melanie, they clicked big time. Do I know my business or do I know my business?”

  “Why don’t you slow down and take me through this,” I said, conscious of not wanting to get my hopes up. Maybe they did flip for each other, but what good would it do if their attraction only lasted one night?

  “It all started after Leah showed up in the park toward the end of Dan’s game yesterday,” said Desiree. “She introduced herself to him and mentioned that she was a Giants fan. He asked her to stick around so he could buy her a drink.”

  “Go on,” I said, pleased that it was Dan who’d initiated the date this time.

  “The drink turned into dinner, which turned into a marathon yak session at her apartment. She said they talked until two o’clock in the morning!”

  This information totally stopped me in my tracks. Sure, Dan could be charming when he wanted to be, but talkative? By the end of our marriage, the best he could grunt out was: “Do I have any clean underwear?”

  “You mean he trotted out all his football stories and Leah was a good listener,” I said.

  “They didn’t even bother with that stuff,” said Desiree. “They got right into heavy issues—politics, the environment, the challenges they’ve each faced in life.”

  I laughed. “Dan’s biggest challenge is getting up in the morning. His second biggest challenge is deciding what to have for breakfast.”

  “Speaking of that, the two of them had breakfast together. At seven-thirty.”

  “Now I know you’re kidding. The only time Dan sees seven-thirty is when he’s coming home from an all-nighter.”

  “According to Leah, the time was his idea. He knew she had to be at her office at nine, and he was respectful of that. The breakfast was his idea too. He said he felt so stimulated by their late-night conversation, he wanted to keep it going.”

  I was speechless. Dan getting up early? Dan discussing world peace? Dan doing anything other than sitting around feeling sorry for himself? This was downright bizarre.

  “There’s more,” Desiree went on. “They’re seeing each other again tonight. She’s making him dinner.”

  “My, my. With all those other delightful qualities, she manages to be a cook too?”

  “She’s A-list, all right. They’re doing construction in her kitchen—she’s having a new double oven installed—so she’s making them dinner at his place.”

  I bit my lip as I thought of my old kitchen. It had lovely glass-paned white cabinets and dark green granite countertops, along with gleaming, state-of-the-art stainless-steel appliances that I’d never used but appreciated nonetheless. Someday it would all be mine again. As soon as I didn’t have to pay Dan anymore.

  “Did Leah tell you what she found so mesmerizing about my ex?” I asked. “You didn’t think he’d be good enough for her.”

  “She said he reminded her of a yellow Lab that had been neglected.”

  “Neglected? He takes better care of himself than anybody. His dry cleaning bills equal the gross national product of small countries.”

  “I guess she meant emotionally. She said Labs are her favorite breed, because they thrive with just a little tender loving care and become loyal to you forever.”

  “Please. Dan becomes loyal to you the minute he senses you’ll keep him in Hugo Boss suits.”

  “Look, I know it’s only the beginning, but right now she’s crazy about him and he’s crazy about her, so don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

  Desiree was right. It was all good.

  Of course, a lingering question was this: would Leah stay over at Dan’s after playing chef? Technically, it would be her third date with him, if you counted dinner the night before as her first and breakfast the next morning as her second. So if she bought Desiree’s dumb rule about not giving away the store, she’d be in the clear for a legitimate sleepover and I could start the clock on their cohabitation.

  But even if she did spend the night at Dan’s as well as the next eighty-nine nights after that, how would I document it? My lawyer would need proof of any breach in our settlement. I had to have a concrete plan for getting that proof, a strategy for trapping my ex. Was I jumping the gun by trying to trap him so soon in his relationship with Leah? He had literally just met her after all, and it was more than remotely possible that their “love” would fizzle out before it had time to work to my advantage. But what if it didn’t fizzle out and they did move in together and, because I was overly cautious, I missed even a day? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

  An idea came to me as I arrived home that breezy, chilly night in January. I was standing in front of the Heartbreak Hotel, juggling my groceries, my mail, my briefcase, and my purse and feeling like a total klutz as they all came spilling out of my arms, when Evan appeared. My first thought was: does this man always have to see me when I’m at my most awkward?

  “Hey,” he said. “Looks like you could use a hand there, little lady.” He was wearing his cracked leather jacket and jeans, and his hair was windblown, flying in all directions. He looked very appealing with his lanky body and dark eyes, but it was how nice he was that struck me most.

  “I hate to bother you again,” I said as I bent down to pick everything up.

  “No bother,” he said and joined me on the ground.

  As we both scrounged for my purse at the exact same second, our heads collided—ouch!—and we fell back onto the street, each rubbing the spot on our forehead where we’d made contact and laughing like a couple of silly kids.

  “You could get hurt helping me,” I said after catching my breath.

  He smiled. “I’ll take my chances.”

  I smiled too. I’d come home with a million things on my mind, including
how to document Dan’s sleeping arrangements with Leah, but for that brief, spontaneous moment on the street with Evan Gillespie, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I was glad that I’d run into him, glad to be in his company, and the realization surprised me. Yes, he was kind and considerate and handsome, but I hardly knew him. And what he knew of me wasn’t even accurate. I wasn’t supporting Dan out of the goodness of my heart, as he thought I was. Far from it. And then there was the fact that I had no interest—none whatsoever—in getting involved with another bumbo.

  He continued to rescue me (he even invoked the “damsel in distress” label again). As he helped me gather up the assorted items that had fallen, my thoughts drifted back to Dan, as they always did. I began to refocus on the matter of who would keep track of whether or not Leah stayed over. Who would agree to be my spy? Who?

  “Well, I guess that’s everything,” said Evan once we were upright, all my possessions safely back in my arms. “This is what we get for not living in a building with a doorman, right?”

  “Doormen sure are handy,” I agreed. “Except when you have to tip them at Christmas.”

  And then the solution to my latest Dan problem dawned on me: Ricardo.

  “Want to stop by for a glass of wine once you get your stuff unpacked and put away?” Evan asked as we walked up the three flights together. He held my elbow as we mounted the stairs, was careful of me, protective. I noticed and I was grateful. “This very thoughtful neighbor of mine sent me an enormous basket with all kinds of fruit and cheese, so we won’t go hungry.”

  “Oh,” I said, remembering I’d asked Steffi to send it. “The basket. It’s just a token of my appreciation for the other night.” I felt my face turn as purple as one of Desiree’s caftans as I relived the flashing incident.

  “I got the basket and now I want to share it,” he said. “How about coming over for an hour or so and I’ll take a painting break?”

  “Can’t, sorry,” I said. And I was sorry. I would have enjoyed spending more time with Evan, but I had pressing business to attend to.