Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never

by C. M. Stunich

  “He was Jade's biological father, you know,” I tell Ty whose eyes are focused on the floor but whose ears are all mine. “He disappeared for awhile after that, but when he came back into town, my mom started dating him again behind my back. All my sisters knew when she got engaged; she told them all, but she didn't tell me, Ty.”

  “So you found out at the performance?”

  “I confronted her,” I continue. I bet my eyes are glassy now, glazed over with old memories. Now that I've started them, they won't stop. If Ty taped my mouth and chained me up, my brain would run through them again and again, never stopping until someone was there to hear. Someone has to hear, and I couldn't be happier that that person is Ty McCabe. “I told her again what I'd told her before, that he'd killed my dad.” I shake my head here because this is the hardest part to tell, the part where my sisters gang up on me, where they belittle me and side with my mother. This is the part where Beth slaps me, hard, cracks me right across the face because she doesn't want to hear me say anymore. This is the part where a piece of me dies, where I know they all care far more about themselves then they do about me. “They didn't believe me. Jade, especially, was angry.”

  Her eyes flash from hazel to black, filled with a rage that I, alone, can't possibly be responsible for. No single person could be responsible for that much hate, but it can be targeted at one person and that person is me.

  “I hate you, Never,” she hisses at me. “From the bottom of my heart, I hate every last inch of you.”

  I blink a couple of times to regain focus and grab Ty by the chin. His dark eyes are sympathetic, understanding. One day, he'll give me his story. I just have to be willing to wait for it.

  “They said their worst, did their worst, and I ran out on them. I went to Noah knowing that it was the last I'd ever see of him. I gave him the best performance I could give, danced for him in a way I could never have danced for anyone else. We slept together and I snuck out before dawn. I left and I never went back.”

  “Wow,” Ty says, and he tries to smile to lighten things up. “That's quite a story.”

  “Isn't it?” I ask as I inhale and watch a pair of teenage boys start a fight on the street corner. Now that it's out there, now that I've said it, made into words the thoughts that have been swimming in my head all this time, I feel healed, just a little. This is only the beginning, I know that now, but it's a good beginning, a start to something beautiful. “Winter break's coming up, Ty. I think I should go out there. I think I have to see them.”

  “I think that you're right,” he tells me as I stand and stretch. Ty runs his hands down my sides and pauses when he catches me looking at him. “The more I learn about you, the more I want to know.” I don't know how to respond to that; I'm not prepared for it. I smile at Ty and grab his hands, pull him to his feet, and put my forehead in the crook of his neck.

  “You promised me zombies,” I tell him as he lifts my head up and grins.

  “I did, didn't I?” Ty asks and I can tell he feels what I'm feeling, like there's this invisible string wrapped around the two of us that wasn't there before.

  “Show me,” I say and he does. We sit together on his couch and we drink and we eat and we walk, and I know that we care about each other because we don't have sex. Later, I fall asleep and wake up to Ty carrying me. He puts me in his bed, lays me down gentle, and steps back. He doesn't try to touch me or sleep me with, and he certainly doesn't kick me out. I'm the first girl in his bed, I think as I curl into a ball and wrap the blankets around my shoulders. As strange as it sounds, it's comforting and my heart lulls me to sleep with a gentle, peaceful lullaby.

  I wake up early the next day, look at the clock and get dressed for class, putting on my yellow SOG tee and not caring what anyone thinks about it. When I head into the living room, I see Ty lying shirtless on his back on the couch, chest rising and falling with every breath. I move over to him and stare down at his face. His sexy lips are curved in a meaningless frown, and his eyelids are fluttering like butterflies. I brush Ty's hair from his forehead, plant a kiss on his cheek, and disappear out the front door. In his sleep, he smiles.

  27

  When our next SOG meeting rolls around, Ty and I head there early to help Vanessa set up the rug. When she sees me, she smiles and acts like nothing unusual happened last week. I don't apologize for storming out because I don't believe that I owe anyone an apology. I did what I had to do in that moment, and I'm proud of myself for it. I was hurting, yes, and maybe I overreacted, but I can still feel, so there's hope for me. The ones that have forgotten how to feel, those are the ones that are lost. I'm still here, and Ty can save me if I let him. Just as I can save him if he lets me. We're not there yet, but we're now two weeks celibate and the recipients of a pair of orange chips. I've turned my red one into an earring and I plan to do the same with this one.

  “Never,” Vanessa says as the meeting begins, as the other members sit down and smile at me, nod, raise a hand in acknowledgment of my presence. A girl with bleach blonde hair and bright eyes leans over and tells me that, You're not the only one. I smile back at her and hope that whatever it is that Vanessa is going to ask, I can answer. “Have you thought about the question I posed last week?” I stare back at her and for the life of me, I can't remember. She chuckles softly and sets her tablet down on the rug. “I asked you what it was that you loved most about yourself.”

  Ah. That.

  I nod and reach inside my coat for gum, pausing when I realize what I'm doing. I'm trying to weasel my way out of answering the question again. I still don't have an answer for her and most importantly, I don't have one for myself.

  “Can I tell you what I love most about Never?” Ty asks as I turn in slow motion to look at him. Love? He loves something about me? Is that the same as loving me? I swallow and avoid that train of thought. It might lead to a wreck of gnarled metal with my heart in the center of it. I don't think I could handle that.

  “Can I tell you what I love most about Ty?” I say, and I don't notice it then, but everyone around me is smiling big and goofy, recognizing something between us that even we don't see yet. Ty McCabe and I are falling in love.

  “Of course,” Vanessa says, emerald eyes sparkling. “Please do.”

  “I think you have an incredible capacity to love,” Ty says and then because he's been too serious, he has to go and make an ass out of himself by grinning and saying, “And a tight ass.” I roll my eyes as chuckles wind their way through the group, but inside, I'm grinning, too. There might still be darkness around me, but when I'm with Ty, I'm standing in a spotlight.

  “What I love most about you,” I say and toss one out there for the group to grin at. “Is your rhythm.” I snap my fingers and I see that some of the ladies are smiling. The guys don't get it, at least none of these ones do. “It's not about the size of the hammer,” I say. “It's the pace at which you swing it.” Ty laughs, and I'm happy to see his face bright. His dimples are round and perfect, proving that the reaction I'm getting is as real as any I've seen before. “But truthfully,” I say. “The best part about you is your soul. It's a piece of tortured beauty.”

  “Thank you Never,” he tells me and even if nobody else understands what I mean, Ty gets it.

  28

  “Grr,” Lacey says as she leans back on her bed and drops into Trini's lap. “I can't fucking figure out this formula.” Trini touches her forehead affectionately, but doesn't say a word. She keeps her nose buried in her chem book and sighs. I don't respond either. Midterms are coming up fast and suddenly, time seems like this rare but precious thing, something that slips away in the blink of an eye. It's kind of sad because I've been spending these lazy afternoons with Ty, just lying around on his bed and talking or swimming in the pool at his apartment building, just random stuff like that. Telling him my secret has improved my life drastically. I feel like we're both sharing the weight of it now, and it makes it easier for me to go to bed at night and get up in the morning. In fact,
I haven't cried once since my first night sleeping at Ty's house. I'm over there a lot now which is kind of nice actually.

  I'm looking at a printout of paintings, trying to memorize artists' names and dates. It's better than 'interpreting' the work, trying to find a meaning for every little detail, but it's still unbelievably boring. When the door swings open and Ty walks in, I barely notice, determined to keep my nose to the grindstone.

  “Never,” he says and something about his voice scares the shit out of me. I look up and see that he's sweating, just soaked. His white T-shirt is see-through now, and I can actually make out the spots where his nipples are hiding beneath the fabric. It would be sexy if it wasn't so terrifying. This is the first time I have ever seen him without his piercings in. He just has these little holes in the spots where they're supposed to go: on the left side of his lip, his nose, his right eyebrow.

  “What's wrong?” I ask as I set my study guide aside and touch the back of my hand to his forehead. He doesn't feel hot, just normal, like there's no way he could be sick. His eyes look okay, too, dark but not feverish, and his skin is a bit washed out but not flushed. Ty hands me a pair of envelopes from SHS.

  It takes me a second to realize exactly what it is that I'm holding.

  The results. The test results. The future direction of both our lives depends on what's inside these white envelopes, what's printed on this paper.

  “Hey Ty,” Lacey says, but he doesn't even look at her. He can't look at her because he's too busy looking at me. I stand up and my computer chair goes flying, topples over and crashes to the floor as I take both envelopes in my fingers and seriously debate burning them right then and there. If I burn them. I won't ever have to know. If I do, I can't move on. It's a tough decision but one with only one obvious answer.

  “I have to go,” I tell Lacey and she starts to protest.

  “You told me not to let you so much as sleep, eat or piss during the next few days, Never. Where do you need to go?” I turn towards her and I bet I look like Ty now, sweaty and disheveled and all around weird. It's easy to look like that when you're holding your life's judgment in your hands. Every mistake I have ever made is going to be tested, weighed; any punishment that could be exacted on me will be doled out now. I could get through this clean, move on with my life and survive, or I could find out that I'm destined to die. The odds are not good.

  “I have to go and learn my fate,” I tell Lacey and who the hell could argue with that? Ty and I grasp hands, but I remain in control of the test results as we walk through the hallways of the dorms and pause in the elevator. Normally, we both like to take the stairs. Today, it's just far too much effort. My mind is too busy contemplating what-ifs and what-nows.

  “If I have something … ”

  “Then we both probably have it,” I tell him, trying to smile though this isn't exactly something that I should be smiling about.

  “If I have something,” Ty repeats again. “Will you stay with me?”

  “Of course,” I respond without hesitation. “You're my best friend.” I wink at him as we climb off the elevator and march through the lobby of the building, like we're promenading death, swinging it in circles in a crowded ballroom. Neither of us is seeing straight or moving lithely, it just isn't possible with all of this stress bearing down on us, threatening to crush us beneath its weight. Some people might have torn open the envelopes right away, taken the suspense away, but that only works if the results are good, and Ty and I are pretty much positive that ours are bad. If we drag this out, even though it hurts, it might help keep us sane in the long run. These last, few moments of not knowing are better than adding more moments of fear or pain or despair. “Where do you want to do this?” I ask him at last as we pass out of the glass doors and into the cold, gray of the November fog. It rolls off the bay and hangs salty in the air, not exactly the most pleasant of weather. I wish for sunshine with a fierceness that could kill.

  “My place,” Ty says and he takes my hand and walks me the few miles to his house in silence. When we get there, Ty hands me one of those Djarum Blacks that I said I would never smoke and a cold beer from the fridge. I take both without a word and sit down at his table, the two white rectangles fanned out in front of me.

  “Should we each open our own?” I ask because I'm not sure how to go about doing this. I also know that I am never, ever going to go through this again. I've put myself through hell and back and now I'm paying for it. All those times I retreated to back rooms at parties, laid on my back for a guy whose face is now a blur, spread my legs for a nameless shadow of a memory, I was hurting myself ten times worse than the memories could ever do. Ty is the same way, so he knows. I can look him right in the eye and think these things and see it all reflected back at me.

  “Sure,” Ty says because he doesn't know what to do either, and we're both nervous for one another, both hardly able to breathe. “But you have to tell me right away.”

  “Ditto,” I tell him as we both shred the paper with shaking fingers, pull out folded pages that mean everything and nothing all at once. Ty's eyes fly down his page, take it all in before I can even unfold mine. When he gets to the end, he rolls his gaze back to the top and starts over.

  “I'm clear,” he tells me as he hands me the page. “Never, I'm clear.” I look down the list, at all the places where it says negative and am more grateful in that moment than I've been in any other in my life. No matter what happens to me now, Ty will live. Ty will be okay. This slows me down on my own results because in light of Ty's, they don't seem so important. Somehow, that asshole has made me care so much about him that I practically sob with relief. Or I will, as soon as I know my own fate.

  I unfold my own letter, but before I can read any of the words, I close my eyes in cowardice, pinch them shut tight and sit there in absolute silence.

  “What is it, Nev?” Ty asks, and I can hear in his voice that he's desperate to know, maybe even more desperate than I am. He wants me to be safe, wants me to live. I can see that getting his results back did nothing to assuage his fears. They were all for me, always for me. I take a deep breath, force my eyes open and my gaze down and read the words. HIV – negative. Chlamydia – negative. Gonorrhea – negative. Herpes – negative. Pregnancy test – not pregnant.

  I have just dodged the proverbial fucking bullet.

  When I look up at Ty, I have tears in my eyes. He mistakes this for sadness and collapses to his knees. Right then and there he falls for me in more ways than one. Ty McCabe makes a whole lot of decisions regarding Never Ross in that moment that I don't know, that I'm not privy to for some time to come.

  “What is it?” he whispers and what he really means is, What's going to kill you? I reach out, cup his face with my hand and tell him the truth in all its beauteous, righteous glory.

  “I'm going to live.”

  29

  “Holy fucking shit!” I shout as I leave the lecture hall and find Ty waiting for me in the courtyard. He picks me up as soon as I walk over to him, swinging me in a circle, warming me with a welcoming hug that I know Lacey is jealous of, even if she doesn't admit it. Trini must still be in class and is nowhere to be seen. When Ty sets me down, I see that he's grinning. He looks awfully cute in his winter coat. It's puffy and has fur around the collar, giving him this look that guys only ever have in romance movies. “I did it,” I say as I put my hands on my hips and watch my breath hang in the cold air. “I finished out the semester without killing anybody.” Or fucking anyone.

  “Congratulations,” Lacey says as she gives a tight-lipped smile to some boys who are checking her out. She's wearing a T-shirt that says Lipstick Lesbian on the front. I don't think she could be anymore obvious about it, but poor Lacey is hot. She's that perfect blond goddess with the golden legs and the big, blue eyes. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. “What are you going to do for break?” she asks, and I shrug because I haven't the slightest clue. I've been toying with the idea of going home for awhile, but I do
n't know how to make that decision. Do I call? Do I just show up? What if they turn me down, tell me to go away? Even worse, what if they beg me to stay? What do I do with Ty? “Trini and I are going to spend some time at my uncle's cabin,” Lacey says dreamily. Ty and I exchange a glance and a smile. When my phone beeps, I glance at it absently, expecting another missed call from Beth but instead find that I have a text message. The only people that would be texting me are standing on either side of me, cheeks and noses pink in the frigid air. Beth hasn't messaged me yet, but I check anyway, just in case it's her.

  I don't recognize the number it came from, but I do recognize the area code. This is a message from home. I open the text and read it, convinced that the universe is playing tricks on me, fucking with my mind, my insanity.

  The text message is from Noah Scott.

  I drop the phone to the pavement and don't bother to stop Ty when he bends down to pick it up.

  Your sister gave me your number. I miss you, Never. I'd love to see you. Give me a call.

  At first, I'm crying because I don't know what to say or do or think. I dash the tears away quickly before Lacey gets a chance to see them, but Ty saw. I know he saw.

  I swallow my emotions and look up at Ty. He has a detached sort of look on his face, like he can't quite believe it himself. Lacey remains oblivious, more concerned with Trini and why she isn't here yet.

  “I hope she's doing okay on her exam. This is the one that she's most worried about.” Ty and I ignore her and exchange a heated sort of a look. His dark eyes are flickering like a dying fire, and I'm sure mine aren't much better. I think a lot about Noah, and I tell Ty every single time I do. I've told him that I thought Noah might've been my fairytale ending. I've told him that the sex I had with Noah was the most meaningful I've ever experienced. I tell Ty a lot of things. What he probably thinks but that he doesn't tell me is that there's a definite possibility that I'm turning Noah into some kind of unattainable goal, making him this perfectly godly standard that no man can match up to. I'm willing to deal with that, but I need Ty to help me realize that; I need him to step in and convince me otherwise.