Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never

by C. M. Stunich

  “I'm going to school,” I say vaguely because I'm used to being vague with people. It takes a lot for me to really open up, to give out pieces of myself. I used to have no problem with that, especially when Noah was on the receiving end, but now … Things are so different. “In California.” Noah is waiting patiently, certain that I'm getting to something more relevant, more personal. He's too trusting. I wonder if I was ever that trusting and shiver. Noah thinks it's from the cold and slips his arm around my waist, just like he used to do when we were in high school. In fact, I get hit so hard with déjà vu that I can barely breathe. I don't resist him even though I know I should, even though I know that I might be giving him the wrong idea.

  “Me, too,” he says simply. “Here in town, though. I … ” Noah looks away from me and out at the lake. “I didn't want to leave in case you came back. Somehow, someday, I knew you would.” Noah pauses. “I guess I was right.” I don't respond to that. There's this unspoken phrase hanging in the air. I knew you'd come back for me. I don't correct him, tell him that I'm actually here for myself, to put me back together and make things right. I go for a cigarette and am not surprised to see Noah's nose wrinkle. He never liked it when I smoked. Back then though, I only ever smoked a couple a day. Now, now I think I'd have to consider myself a chain smoker. I just can't stop. Every stressful impulse I have makes me crazy. It's either smoke or fuck. That's all there is to it. Noah watches me light up, but he doesn't pull his arm away. He sits there and lets smoke taint his expensive shirt, his pretty blonde hair, his angelic face.

  “I got a dog,” he says randomly, and I smile. “An Australian Shepherd that bites.” I laugh and have to snatch at my cig to keep it from hitting the table. I slip it back between my lips and talk around it, the way Ty always does.

  “What's she look like?” I ask wishing I could get a dog. I think a dog would be good for me. A constant companion, one who doesn't judge, someone that loves me for me always and forever. Yeah, I think I'll get a dog. I'll have to move out of the dorms but whatever. I kind of hate it there anyway. I want my own bathroom. I get this strange image of Ty and me sharing a place, maybe even having Lacey as a roommate. There's a fireplace and a bed for two, a bed that's always full and never empty. Always full of Ty. Ty. Ty. Ty. I shake my head to clear it.

  “She's mostly white with orange splotches over her eyes and gray down her back. I think you'd like her quite a bit. She's almost as ornery as you.” I chuckle again and don't tell Noah that I like mutts a thousand times better than purebreds. I want a grungy, nasty alley dog like the Tramp from that Disney movie. I want a dog that's been behind bars with a missing leg and a grin that doesn't stop. I want a dog whose parents were so mixed, they were like rainbows, a bit of every color. Noah's dog, however nice, is no doubt from some, spoiled privileged breeder who feeds her pets raw rabbit and lets them sleep on goose down beds covered in silk. “Want to meet her?” he asks, and I shrug noncommittally. I don't know where this is going, so I have to keep my options open. “Maybe tomorrow I could take you out, bring her along, and we could go for a hike along the river, like the good ol' days?” His offer is too good to refuse. I want to walk along the banks without shoes and listen to the roar of water. Yes, yes, I'll go.

  “Sure,” I say before I can question myself. There are a lot of factors to consider here, least of which has a nose ring and a wicked smile. My sisters won't want me to go; I won't want to leave them. But I'm going to do it anyway because my questions about Noah Scott have not been answered. He's still a big, fat question mark. “What's her name?” I ask him. “Your dog?” Noah laughs and shakes his head like he can't believe he's about to say this.

  “It's Never,” he says. “Her name is Never.”

  14

  When I get back to my mother's house, Ty is sitting on the front steps with a cigarette between his sexy lips. His eyes are closed, and he's leaning back with his elbows on the faded wood of the porch. He doesn't move when he hears me pull the truck back up to the barn, doesn't look at me when I climb out and crunch across the ground towards him. I pause with my tennis shoes inches from Ty's boots and wait.

  I smile then I worry that Ty will think the expression is for Noah and frown.

  “Have a good time?” he asks softly, voice low and dangerous, like he could explode into motion at the drop of a hat. His muscles are so tense that they're making mine cramp in sympathy. Ty cracks his eyes and glances up at me as a bit of ash falls on his chest. He's not even smoking the damn cig. I meet his gaze and sigh.

  “Kind of,” I say, feeling bad for being so late. I didn't mean to stay out so long. It's just … being with Noah was kind of magical, like I was a different person in a different world with a different life. I didn't expect that. And after the reception I'd gotten from my mother, I didn't expect him to be so damn happy to see me. “We went out to this lake that we used to go to as kids and just talked, caught up, you know?”

  “Yeah?” Ty asks, and I can tell that he's fucking terrified that I'm going to run away with Noah Scott, make little blonde babies, and move into that horribly ostentatious McMansion that Noah's parents built. I kick the bottom of his shoe.

  “Sorry,” I tell him as I wrinkle my nose. I'm not a complete idiot. I realize that leaving my new pseudo-boyfriend/sex addict sponsor/best friend/pain in the ass at the home of my family who I haven't seen in years was a bit of a strange thing to do. I had to see Noah though, and I think Ty understands that. What he won't understand and what I don't know how to explain is that I have a … thing … with Noah tomorrow. A date? No, it isn't a date, but what is it? I also didn't tell Noah about Ty, so I imagine that tomorrow, when he comes to pick me up, that there will be trouble. Especially when I tell him that Ty is coming with us.

  Fuck me.

  “Lacey texted me,” Ty says mildly. I can tell he wants to ask more questions about Noah but doesn't know how. “She wants you to know that she and Trini are like, totally official now.” I snort at Ty's imitation of Lacey's voice. He finally inhales and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth so he can speak properly. “Never … ”

  “I didn't sleep with him,” I promise and Ty pauses, bracelets jingling as he drops the cigarette to the dirt. “All we did was hug.” Ty nods and pushes himself to his feet with a grunt. I watch him stretch his arms above his head, bangle bracelets sliding down his arms towards his elbow as he lifts his hands and tangles his fingers together.

  “I'm glad, Never,” he says as he drops his arms and steps forward, takes my chin in his fingers and kisses me, lips like a butterfly's wings, ever so soft against my own. I sigh into him and lean forward so that my head is cradled in the nook of Ty's neck. He squeezes me tight and runs his ringed fingers through my hair. Miraculously, they never get caught. “I am so fucking glad.”

  “Ty,” I say as he holds me ever so tightly. “Thanks for putting up with me.” At this I get a laugh, a real genuine, knock your socks off kind of a laugh. Ty pulls back and pokes me in the forehead with a ringed finger.

  “Don't be stupid,” he says as he cocks his head to the side. “You're not a girl that any guy could just put up with. You're a fucking whirlwind, Never.” I don't know if this is a compliment or not, but I do remember that Ty told me he loved me. I'm guessing those feelings haven't disappeared in the last few days, so I smile and pull out a cigarette and a lighter. If my mom's still the same hypocritical bitch that she's always been, then if I smoke in the house, she'll have a fit. Weird for a chain smoker. I'd always thought that. Now that I'm one, too, I can't understand it. It's like she's ashamed to admit her faults, like she doesn't want anyone to know that she smokes. I want everyone to know. If they want to hate me for it, good for them.

  India opens the screen door and smiles warmly at us. I can tell that she's been waiting anxiously for me, and I feel guilty about how much time I spent with Noah.

  “Everyone's asleep, but I thought I should tell you that Mom unlocked your room.”

  “Unlocked my room?�
� I ask, completely and utterly baffled. India nods and scoops some copper hair behind her ear. She's got this gorgeous purple eyeshadow around her eyes that make them sparkle like diamonds. Tomorrow, before I go out with Noah, I'm going to ask her how she puts it on.

  “Yeah, um … ” she nibbles her lip while Ty steals my cigarette and finishes it. India shrugs like she isn't sure how to say what she wants to say and motions us inside. “Just … come in.” I look at Ty who shrugs and follow her into the warm house. India locks the door behind us and flicks off the living room lights before leading us up the stairs to the second floor. From what I've seen thus far, the house is virtually the same. There are family portraits on the wall above the stairs that Ty stares at as we walk past. I glance at them, but they're the same ones I saw a thousand times as a kid. If asked, I could replicate them all in perfect detail with just a pen and paper. The memories are that clear.

  India turns right and stops at the first door. It's white with a big, black scrawl that supposedly says Never. I wrote it with Sharpie in a teenage rage, so it's barely legible. Beneath it, crayon drawings galore wash the wood with color.

  “Maple,” India explains and I feel myself brighten at the thought of my niece and my new baby sister, Darla. They're young enough that I could still have a relationship with them if I tried. Things aren't all bad. Angelica Regali may be a lost cause, and after the way she treated me I kind of hope she gets torn apart by wild dogs, but there is still life here to be salvaged. I can smell it. India pushes the door open, flicks the light on, and steps back.

  What I see takes my breath away. My room is unchanged. And not just in the way that the furniture is the same or the posters or the carpet … I mean everything has been left exactly the same as the day I left. I even see my hot pink sweatshirt with the hole in the armpit, the one that Noah Scott gently slipped over my head before he kissed the living daylights out of me and made love to me in the very same bed that I'm now staring at. I left him lying there naked and although the bed is now made, the blankets, the pillows, the sheets are all the same. I stumble back and Ty catches me under the arms before I fall to my knees. My head is spinning like crazy and I feel sick.

  “I don't … understand,” I say as I try to wrap my mind around this. “But … there are only seven bedrooms … ” I trail off and wait for India to explain. She looks nervous, like this whole thing is weird for her, too.

  “The day you left, Noah came downstairs and told Mom that you'd run away. At first, she was pissed off, but later … ” India trails off, and I suddenly feel so bad for her that I can't breathe. I hurt her so bad without even realizing I was doing it. She had nothing to do with the problems that chased me away, and I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to ask for her forgiveness. “Later, she got weird. One day she just came up here, made your bed, and closed the door. She locked it and that was that. Never,” India says tentatively as she glances at Ty and tries to judge exactly what he is to me. Whatever she sees there gives her confidence, and I vow to remember the look on my sister's face. Relaxed. She likes Ty. Good. “Nobody's been in here since except maybe Mom. She never unlocked it, not once.”

  “So … ” I struggle to understand why my room has been left to collect dust while my sisters continue to share. India rushes to explain, gesturing with her thin fingers and pale hands like she can't talk fast enough to get the information out, like maybe she could sign it if she wanted.

  “Beth and Maple share a room, and Lettie took Zella's room when she moved out. Lorri and Darla share. It's not so bad, Never. We were glad to leave it. As long as it was here, it was like you could come back somehow, like if we waited long enough, you'd appear here in your baggy sweatshirts and your butterfly clips.” India starts to cry as Ty sets me up straight and gives me a gentle nudge in the direction of my little sister. I take her in my arms and try not to let too many tears fall into her pretty hair.

  “I'm sorry, India,” I tell her. “I'm so sorry.” She shakes her head and pulls back, wiping her arm across her face with a sniffle. She might be sixteen, but she's a young sixteen. I vow then and there to protect India from the hell I went through. I don't want her to understand what I did or why. I want her to grow up happy and blissfully fucking ignorant. I want her to dream of cherry blossoms and puppies and love at first sight.

  “I know,” she whispers. “I know why you left.” I open my mouth to explain, but India raises both hands and backs away. When she looks up, she's smiling.

  “You don't have to explain, Never. I know all about Luis.” I cringe when I hear that man's name. He doesn't deserve a name, doesn't even deserve a life, but he has one and my daddy doesn't. That's a problem, a real big one. Before I leave this town of secrets and betrayal, I have to find Luis, preferably with Ty by my side. Maybe he can punch him out the way he did the robber in the convenience store. That, at least, would be satisfying to watch.

  “Do you know where he is?” I ask India, convinced that she's the only one who would be willing to tell me. She bites her lip again and nods.

  “In town. I don't know where specifically, but I usually see his truck outside Broken Glass.” I glance over at Ty.

  “The watering hole for stupid ass, drunk fucks,” I explain and India laughs.

  “Why? You're not thinking of – ” The door at the end of the hallway swings open and Beth pokes her head out. Her hair is wrapped up in a blue handkerchief with flowers on it, making her look a million years older than she really is.

  “Never,” she says. “I love you like a doll and tomorrow, I'm going to pick your brain, but unless you want to get to know your new niece by staying up with her all night, I suggest you guys keep it down and go to bed.” Beth starts to retreat back into her room and pauses. “You'll still be here?” She takes a big breath. “In the morning, I mean. You're not leaving anytime soon, are you?”

  “I'm here as long as I want to be here,” I say and then add, “As long as it doesn't interfere with school.” Beth smiles at me. She might be annoying and tactless, and she might not have believed me about Luis, but she's glad I'm here. I can see that.

  “Good girl,” she says. “I always knew you were smart.” And then she closes her door softly. India smiles at me, at Ty.

  “I guess I'll see you tomorrow?” she asks tentatively. I nod and touch the side of her face, glad to be back, glad that I can share this simple, quiet moment with my sister. “Good. Because I want to hear how the two of you met.” India spins on her heel and moves down the hallway with practiced steps, quiet as a mouse. How we met, I think, remembering the little incident at the bar and the big incident at the convenience store. Somehow, someway, that quick fuck I was looking for turned into this incredible soul with a sultry smile and rough, calloused hands that feel as soft as feathers in the bedroom.

  “Come on,” I say to Ty as I grab his hand and pull him back in time. “Come meet Never Regali.”

  15

  My room might have remained unaltered, but it was not left untouched. There's not a speck of dust to be found anywhere. It puts some coins in my mother's bank and buys her another chance, one more chance to care about me because she must if she took the time to maintain this warp in time.

  I run my hands over my dresser and find a brooch that Noah gave me for our one year anniversary. I pick it up and drop it in a jewelry box I barely remember owning. I don't want to answer any questions about it. Ty already has a thousand crouching behind his eyes. I can see them dancing as his eyes sweep over the posters on my wall and ceiling, past the broken mirror next to the bathroom door, across the pages of scribbled notes I tacked above my desk.

  “This is so fucking weird,” I laugh as I shake my head and try to make sense of my feelings. So much is happening so fast, I don't even know where to begin with myself, let alone Ty. “I mean, does this make any sense to you?” Ty touches my pink sweatshirt, rubs the fabric between his fingers.

  “I kind of wanted to punch your mom in the face for you earlier, but see
ing this,” Ty looks up and then swings his gaze around to find mine. “Makes me think she deserves another chance.” I smile.

  “Great minds think alike,” I tell him as he moves across the room towards me. The air heats with this pulsing energy that intensifies exponentially with each movement Ty makes. He doesn't touch me, but he does get close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body.

  “This is the first time we've been alone since you ran out on me.”

  “Shut up,” I say, but I can't argue with that because it's true.

  “I love you Never Ross,” he says and my heart swells strangely, gets so big that it crushes my lungs and strangles me. “And I think I love Never Regali, too. Or I would if,” Ty shows me something in his hand. My vision flickers. Fuck.

  It's the naughty, little nightgown I bought for Noah, the one that I lost my virginity in. Ty's found it and now he has it in his hand. He's grinning and his dimples are deep as pits. I can't refuse, can't let him know where it came from or why I had it. Silently, I lift my arms above my head and hope I don't pass out.

  Ty finds my skin under my shirt and slides his fingers up, taking both the shirt and sweater along with them. He tosses them over my computer chair and drops the nightgown over my head. The silky fabric slithers down my skin and hits me just above the knees. It's a beautiful piece of lingerie, blood red and charged for sex. I close my eyes for a moment and try to keep myself from venturing too far down memory lane.

  “Undress me,” Ty whispers. “I promised you that you'd get a turn.” My mouth goes dry; my hands sweat, and I feel like that long ago girl who had no idea how powerful sex was, how easily it can be abused. It's like a drug, something that I never should've started without understanding the consequences. I step back and Ty's face locks up in fear. He's so fucking scared of me. Maybe I'm not the only one at risk of breaking here? Maybe Ty is just as vulnerable to me as I am to him?