Odd Girl Out

by Rachel Simmons

  Best-friend heartbreaks (or "friend divorces," as I call them) confer hard-won wisdom about what we're seeking and deserve in our most important relationships. Think back to the times you have had your heart broken, either by a friend or romantic partner. It is probably true that the experiences made you stronger and taught you things that improved your later relationships. Remembering the invaluable lessons of those dark days may help as you watch your daughter endure her own.

  You are not a bad parent if she gets hurt or hurts someone else. Nor, of course, is she a troubled or unusual child. Think about it this way: when girls begin dating, most realize they won't end up marrying their first crush. They accept that they will probably get dumped and will do the same to others. Why not embrace this idea when it comes to female friendship? What if we could parent girls with the expectation that friend problems will inevitably crop up, and that these are formative obstacles on the road to adulthood? This doesn't mean excusing bullying or severe aggression. It does mean approaching the situation as an opportunity to learn, and not an instant crisis or the sign of a parenting failure.

  Giving your daughter an opportunity to flex her coping muscles on her own will help her become more resilient. Resilience is defined as the ability to overcome stress, challenge, or adversity. I believe a socially resilient girl can size up a challenging friend situation, think about her options, and choose a strategy whose outcome has been carefully considered.

  You can build these muscles in your daughter by asking her to take responsibility for her own decisions in a relationship. After empathizing with her, you can ask, "What do you want to do about this?" She will most likely say, "I don't know." Gently push her. You can say, "I know it feels overwhelming, but what's one thing you think you could do?" Allow her to generate a few choices (doing nothing, by the way, is a choice).

  Go even further and try the four-step GIRL protocol with her, which your daughter can apply to any social challenge. It works like this:

  G—Gather Your Choices. (List all the choices you might make in response to the situation.)

  I—I Choose...(Make a choice. Pick one of the strategies you just listed above.)

  R—Reasons Are...(Justify your choice. List the reasons you will choose this strategy.)

  L—List the Outcomes. (Think ahead: what might happen if you make this choice?)

  Below is a GIRL completed by Esther, an eighth grader, whose friend ignored her when another girl was around. When Esther asked her friend why she was doing it, the girl denied it and said Esther was being too sensitive.

  The first step is G, Gather Your Choices. Esther listed her options: stop speaking to her, talk about her behind her back, ask her about it on-line, tell her how I feel, talk to an adult, hang out with other people, and ask someone else if she knows why my friend is ignoring me.

  The second step is I, or I Choose. Esther decided to talk to her friend about it online.

  The third step is R or Reasons Are. Esther said she wanted to do it online because it was easier than asking in person and she could keep it more casual that way.

  The fourth step is L, or List the Outcomes. Esther predicted that her friend might deny it again, or she might feel more comfortable communicating via Facebook.

  Would I advise Esther to share her feelings with a friend on Facebook? No way. But it's important to let girls realistically explore their options during the "G" step, even if you don't agree with them. I could challenge Esther, of course, but it might be useful to let her follow through so she can fully own her choice and its consequences. I have found that when girls pick strategies that will hurt themselves or others, they have second thoughts once they get to the step where they list outcomes. They often backpedal and decide to do something else.

  The GIRL protocol helps a girl become more resilient by sharpening several key skills she needs to be sturdy in the face of friend drama: First, it gives her a systematic method for laying out all the possible strategies to deal with a problem. Second, it asks her to make a choice. This gives her a sense of agency and control in situations where she would otherwise feel helpless or overwhelmed—or where choices are often made for her by other adults. Third, GIRL expects her to justify and own her decision, asking her to reflect on her personal values. Finally, GIRL asks her to think long term about the consequences of her choices. This practical way of thinking is especially important for girls who trend toward aggressive, indirect, or retaliatory responses. For example, you may choose to talk about someone behind her back, but if you think about the potential for retaliation, you are likely to reconsider.

  You can use GIRL verbally, by asking your daughter to reflect on the questions informally. Better yet, write G-I-R-L on a page and ask her to fill it out with you the next time she comes home with a problem. Ultimately, the questions you ask your daughter should become the questions she learns to ask herself. In other words, the GIRL protocol should become part of how she thinks about life's challenges. The point is to build the internal muscles your daughter needs to think for herself in the face of stress.

  coaching your daughter as she confronts a peer

  If your daughter is considering confronting a peer—or if you want her to—you can guide her with some of these ideas. To learn more about the skills girls need to navigate difficult conversations, check out my latest book, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence.

  Conflict is an opportunity to get what you want. As we have seen throughout this book, many girls view conflict as catastrophic to relationship. However, conflict can be an opportunity to create change in a relationship that matters to you. You talk with someone because you need something from her: you need her to stop doing something, or to start. As you consult with your daughter about her options, share instances of successfully resolved conflicts that you have had: moments when you have spoken your truth respectfully and been rewarded for it. Try, as much as you can, to loosen her negative associations with conflict.

  If it doesn't go your way, it's not necessarily a loss. Your daughter may do her very best to confront a peer in a way that is sincere and thoughtful. If the other girl reacts poorly, it does not mean your daughter did something wrong. It is vital to convey to girls that they can be responsible for only how they act, not how others respond. There are too many girls who, because of their lack of comfort with conflict, associate any kind of challenging conversation with disaster (these are often the same girls who, if you say anything negative in a mild tone of voice, report that "She yelled at me!"). These girls will not under any circumstances be able to hear the truth your daughter needs to convey.

  Just as a strong feeling like anger can be a sign that something is wrong within ourselves, a friend's failure to listen or respond with compassion is an important signal that a relationship may not be healthy. As painful as this kind of disappointment may be, it does offer three benefits: one, an avenue opens to leave the relationship; two, you strengthen your sense of what healthy intimacy looks like; and three, you discover what you are seeking in your closest relationships.

  Resist the urge to advise your daughter to end a friendship over a single mistake. Remember that girls are still learning how to be in relationship with each other. They are also more tolerant of their friends than you are. That is a good thing: Girls need opportunities to work through issues together and without adults. This will feel uncomfortable for you, and it should. It is not natural to enjoy watching your child wrestle with something painful. But it is what she needs to develop skills and standards for healthy friendships. Obviously, tolerance should have its limits. Still, remain mindful of how your own alarm may be different from your daughter's.

  Practice always helps. No one wakes up one day a "grownup" who is effortlessly able to speak her mind and heart. It takes courage, skills, and practice. The ability to have a difficult conversation gracefully does not simply happen to us. Learning to communicate is an ongoing process.

  Practicing your to
ughest conversations first, as a role-play, is a terrific thing to do with your daughter. If you suggest it and her eyes start to roll, let her know this isn't a "kid" suggestion. Explain that adults rehearse difficult conversations all the time, with good reason: just as practicing piano or soccer makes you a better player, practicing how you communicate makes you more effective in your relationships.

  In times of crisis, Ellen, a psychotherapist, found role-playing extremely effective in helping her daughter, Roma. She asked Roma and her ally to act out different scenarios of confrontation with their tormentor, Jane. "I was encouraging them to speak their truths," Ellen explained, "and to not be afraid of what [Jane] was going to say to other kids, and not let that control them. I would get very, very specific wading through with them—'Yeah, but if I say that, she'll say this!'—and I would help them figure out what they would say next. It was how to handle a situation."

  Too often we dispense advice to children in a vertical way: "Tell her this!" or "Have you just tried walking away?" Role-playing is more horizontal and interactive. It makes the strategy three-dimensional and real for your daughter, while at the same time giving you a presence in her social world that will comfort both of you. Having a friend or sibling participate can shore up your child's sense of moral support and decrease the terror of isolation.

  You can role-play in the car or the kitchen. Have your daughter coach you to act the way she thinks the other person would in an actual conversation. Perhaps your daughter thinks her peer will deny the problem, burst into tears, begin yelling, or just walk away. Play the part, and don't be quick to give in or give up. It doesn't help to hand your daughter an instant happy ending. By role-playing different outcomes, you indirectly affirm that people are unpredictable and, as mentioned earlier, you can be responsible for only your own reaction. Your daughter is also more invested in the outcome because she owns her plan of action.

  Nerves are a big reason why girls avoid confrontation. Remind your daughter that being nervous means you care. The nerves that flare before a soccer game are driven by your investment in the match; if you didn't care, it wouldn't bother you.

  interventions

  So you've empathized. You've allowed your daughter to wrestle with her choices and try out a few. It wasn't enough. Now it's time to reach out and get help. If you are planning to call the school, read on. In talking with administrators, counselors, and classroom teachers, I have heard stories about parents that both horrify and inspire. Below are the wisdom and strategies I've accrued from these conversations. Use this section as a kind of "insider information" on what school professionals respond to and recoil from.

  A quick note: If the only time your child's school hears from you is when you have a problem, you disadvantage yourself significantly. Teachers should get to know you in multiple contexts: normal everyday chitchat (you would be surprised how happy it can make a teacher when a parent simply takes the time to say, "How are you?"), messages of praise or simple recognition, and at events or activities where you contribute to the classroom. Short of this, staff may link conversations with you to feelings of inadequacy; that is, they will automatically associate you with an unhappy experience in which they may have come up short for your family.

  Do your homework. Before you do anything, stop and think. Do you have all the information you need? It is understandable to want to contact the school immediately. However, the most effective parent will be able to derail a school's attempt to hand the problem back to the family. This means knowing, to the fullest extent possible, the status of your child's development. Get the facts from your daughter as a journalist would: find out who's doing it, how long it's been happening, what is happening, and if the teacher knows.

  Do some more recon. What are her social relationships like outside the classroom? Have you spoken recently with her coaches and other instructors? What kind of disposition is your daughter perceived by others as having? Be open to the answers you may get. If you hear something that surprises or disappoints you, stay grounded. Although no child ever deserves to be bullied, stories are always more complicated than they first appear, especially with girls. You are much better off going in with that knowledge than being ambushed by it.

  Reach out to other parents who have experienced similar situations. It is easy to get lost in an echo chamber of your own thoughts and feelings. Your peers can contribute strategies you haven't thought of, contacts at the school and elsewhere, and the comfort of knowing you are not alone.

  Do not hesitate to contact a psychologist, social worker, or other professional counselor to help you or your daughter. This is not a failure on your part. If your daughter struggles to confide in you or someone at the school, time with an objective outsider may be exactly what you both need.

  Respect her wishes. Before you pick up the phone to call the school, consider your daughter. Does she want you to call? Unless your child's life is endangered, exploiting parental authority to override your child's desire is unfair. She may have little left but her autonomy, and anyway, you're not the one who's going to spend seven hours a day in that classroom. Naomi remembered her parents' panicked response to her distraught behavior: "It was like I really broke down. The stress was too much, and they wanted to take me out of school. They wanted to call the school. I was like, don't, I'll die, I'll get killed, you don't understand, do not make a case out of it. I thought there was no limit. I can't—how can I emphasize enough that this was real to me. These were kids; adults didn't have power. I witnessed every day adults being out of the loop and kids having the power."

  Even if you swear the teacher to secrecy, you can't predict what might happen. One teacher promised a girl that she would not mention the bullying in class, then pulled the perpetrating clique into the hallway and made them promise to be nice to her. The girls made a game out of pretending to be sugary sweet for the rest of the year, an agonizing fate.

  Obviously there are exceptions. If your child's welfare is seriously endangered, you have to make an executive decision in her best interests. If you do this, proceed with the utmost sensitivity and caution.

  Respect school protocol. Schools, like all organizations, are inherently political. At the end of the day, school leaders are mandated to keep both your child and their staff safe. Invariably and to some degree, the agitated parent will be on the "other side." Keep in mind that an organization's relationships and personalities matter as much as the business it does. This is never more true than when you contact your child's school about bullying. How you represent yourself is as important as what you say, and how you manage your relationships will affect an incident's outcome. As a parent, you have to protect your child and do it in a way you can both be proud of.

  Avoid going from zero to sixty: do not begin your contact with the school by calling the principal, superintendent, or other senior officials. Call the school counselor or assistant principal first. If your child is in elementary school, speak to the classroom teacher before anyone else. Teachers understandably bristle when parents go over their heads; it makes them feel condescended to or ignored. Worse, when teachers spot parents in an administrator's office without prior notice, most assume they are going to be reprimanded. Demanding the highest authority and ignoring existing protocols lay the foundation for a potentially adversarial relationship between you and the staff at your child's school. These are people you need on your side.

  Understand that most schools have a system in place for situations like yours (not necessarily an effective system, but a system nonetheless). "There are steps that the school has to follow when they get a bullying complaint," Julia Taylor, a North Carolina high-school counselor, told me. "We cannot just charge the alleged offender without investigation. There are always two sides to every story."

  Set a goal. What are you seeking from this interaction with the school? Determine your goal before you begin. Be as specific as you can: do you want the school to investigate the problem, move your child's seat, give her a p
lace to eat when she is alone at lunch, mediate among her friends? Write down notes you can use for a phone call or a meeting. Have the notes with you when it's time to speak so you stick to your talking points.

  Be open to what others have to say. As upset as you are, you still need to have a conversation. Avoid the path of the middle-school parent who walked into a principal's office, pulled out a legal pad, and read for fifteen minutes, allowing no interruption. The most effective parents are upset but able to have a dialogue. John Magner, a Virginia school counselor, said, "I appreciate when a parent is open to listening and determining with the counselor what did actually happen with their child."

  In order to investigate the problem, the school official you speak with may want to explore your daughter's contribution to the situation. Being willing to consider the possibilities is not a betrayal of your daughter, nor does it justify what has happened to her. It reflects your grip on the reality that information must be gathered, kids' conflicts are complex, and situations take time to fully understand.

  School professionals are most emphatic on this point. "The parents who are least effective can't understand that their daughter, no matter how minor it may be, plays a role in the situation that is occurring. They see a black knight, white knight situation," said Brian Gatens, a New Jersey school administrator. Instant defensiveness and outrage about the role your child may have played in an incident is unproductive in the extreme. Saying "my daughter would never do that" virtually always leaves the listener thinking you don't get your kid. Taylor, the school counselor, said, "Girls are capable of doing everything you raised them not to do. I have yet to hear of a girl getting in the car or running through the front door [of] her house and announcing, 'Guess what, Mom, I was, like, totally aggressive all day! First, I spread a rumor about a girl, then I called her a bitch to her face, next, I skipped Algebra, and then I texted my friends all fourth period.'"