Odd Girl Out

by Rachel Simmons

  2. lose them.

  If you're miserable because you're trying to get popular, or it's your friend who's doing this to you, give it up. If you think being popular is going to make you happy, you're wrong. "The only way to get through it," said Stephanie from chapter five, "is to find the people you like because you like them, not because of their position at school, not because they're the prettiest or the most popular or all the boys want to date [them]. Find someone that you have fun with, that you share interests with." If the other girls are ignoring you, aren't inviting you out, are giving you the worst seat, aren't telling you the secrets—if they're using you as a tool to make themselves feel cooler—take the hint. You are putting yourself in emotional danger every minute you spend with them.

  3. get it out.

  Get a diary or journal and write about your feelings. Paint, dance, kickbox, run in the rain, punch a bag, write a song, bang on drums. Don't keep it inside. Don't kick the dog. The culture raises us to swallow our pain until we choke. The way to fight back is to release.

  "It helps a lot to get your problems out," eleven-year-old Jill said. "Most of the time it's good to write down who's being mean to you or how they're being mean to you. And write down an equals sign next to it [and] what you can do to solve the problem." Remember: Whatever you write should remain private. Don't use social media to tell the world how you're feeling about other people.

  4. do something.

  Join the newspaper, take a workshop, join a team, take an art class, volunteer, get a job. Join an online group. Try not to curl into a ball under your blanket, or at least not all day, every day. Finding a different community of people can make the difference. Find what you love to do.

  It doesn't necessarily have to be with others. When you find what you love, you come closer to finding yourself. You start putting out a vibe to others, an energy of sorts. It happened to Alizah, and it had a profound impact on her life in high school. She said, "Explore what you like to do by yourself because I really think that's where your strength lies, within yourself. People will come to you because of who you are, and I think we all have gifts."

  5. it will end.

  Ever try to tell a screaming three-year-old that her mother will be back in five minutes? She could sooner tell you who the forty-three presidents are than what five minutes from now is. We can get like that when someone's making it her goal in life to ruin ours. But—and you can trust me on this—one day you won't have to wake up and go to school with these people.

  "You have no reason to believe me," said Naomi, "but take a leap and trust that this is not the real world. This is school. This structure will never exist again, it will never be possible again.... Things are going to get better because I'll never be defined by just one group of people's opinion of who I am."

  The world may feel like it's ending. It isn't. Roma said, "It gets better. These people are the people you're with now and whose opinion matters the most now, but it's not going to be the opinion that lasts. Try and listen to what is most important to you. Try and isolate the fact that you have a whole world of possibilities and things you're going to be interested in and that you'll want to do for you. Try really hard to get in touch with those things. And when you do, hold on to those things that are most important because nobody outside of you is more important."

  Chapter Eleven

  raising girls in a digital age

  I once met a woman who slept with her teenage daughter's laptop under her pillow. "It's the only way I know she won't steal it in the middle of the night," she told me, rolling her eyes. We laughed, but she was dead serious. Parenting girls in the digital age is, all at once, mysterious, confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, and terrifying. A girl with a gadget seems to disappear like Alice down the rabbit hole, into a world that feels utterly foreign to her parents. Where kids go online, what they do, and who they do it with are questions that can become moving targets as girls click and switch from computer to phone to iPod.

  As ever more gadgetry accessorizes youth, setting limits can feel impossible. This chapter is about how to parent effectively through BFF 2.0, or the virtual world girls and their friends inhabit. As confusing as social media may seem, unplugging is not an option. Your daughter needs your active involvement in her online life. She is vulnerable to saying and doing things online that she would never do in real life—and many girls will take any chance they can to avoid difficult real-life situations with friends. Social media exacerbates her normal adolescent states, like insecurity, self-consciousness, and jealousy, as well as anxiety and competitiveness. She is also likely addicted to social media because she is addicted to relationship and connection; therefore, she cannot moderate her own use.

  The intensity of your daughter's demand for social media is often related to how susceptible she is to its dangers. A girl who is insistent that she must have as much access as you can give her is likely hooked on the endless, unfulfilling race to be constantly connected, in the know, and—worst of all—part of the drama. This world can make a girl volatile, self-conscious, and unhealthily invested in what others think of her.

  But here's the good news. Many girls feel downright fatigued by the relentless onslaught of social media. Your child may look like she would prefer to sit, concave and quiet, with a laptop cracked and cell phone cocked, for hours on end. And she may do it. Yet she may also feel utterly overwhelmed by the constant stream of information she feels pressured to respond to and make sense of. Many girls go through their days with the pervasive anxiety that they must know, at all times, what is being texted and posted, lest they fall out of favor or lose status. They begin to equate the quality of a relationship with the frequency of contact. They also become hamsters on a wheel, caught in an unsatisfying, endless cycle of information consumption. A surprising number of girls have told me their friendships would be better off without social media at all. As one middle-school student told a blogger in 2010, "If everyone else stopped using it, I would, too." Said another: "I just don't want to be left out."

  There are three guiding principles you can use to parent through this time. First, you are the parent. You are entitled to say no and set limits. Your daughter is not an equal partner in this conversation, and you can negotiate as much or as little as you want. Nor is her access to technology some kind of twenty-first-century entitlement. Just because your child lives in your home does not automatically qualify her for a free smart phone or Facebook account.

  Second, your job as a parent is to not only protect her from others, but also to guide and monitor her behavior. Do you remember when your parents would rationalize rules you hated by saying, "It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust other people"? I am recommending something different here: that you don't entirely trust your daughter. That doesn't mean you approach her as some kind of criminal, just that you are realistic enough to know that the temptations of social media can bring out the worst in all of us, adults included. With frontal lobes still developing, young people are simply less reflective and more impulsive. They are also coming of age in a celebrity and media-obsessed culture where little is considered private and "anything goes." We are doing girls a favor when we assume they will make a few mistakes. As I showed in chapter four, they are far from the "digital natives" they are made out to be.

  Third, it is a myth that effective parenting in this area requires new, mysterious knowledge that only "techie" types possess. The same values you have been teaching your child—moderation, safety, responsibility, respect, good manners, and so on—apply to her on-line experiences. Remembering this point is vital to remaining grounded and sane while you parent through BFF 2.0. Giving up is not an option. Think about it this way: if you did not fully understand something your child was dealing with in the real world, you would not surrender to your own confusion.

  Of course, not everything is the same in the virtual world, and some knowledge of social media will always be useful. But parenting is fundamentally about socia
lizing a child: modeling and promoting healthy habits that help her thrive in the world outside your home. In this section, I outline how basic parental values carry over to the virtual world, and I also offer strategies to help your daughter navigate the dangers of cyberbullying and aggression. Please note that I do not explore the issues raised by predators, pornography, or other challenges posed by technology.

  Set the example. Children learn to say please and thank you because we tell them to and because we do it ourselves. Likewise, they learn to check their phones at meals and in the middle of conversations because we do it, too. I once taught a class where fifth-grade girls practiced asking a friend to put down her phone and pay attention. One girl raised her hand to suggest a strategy. "When my mom is too busy on her phone," she told the class, "this is what I do." The evidence is everywhere: sporting events where parents sit enraptured with their gadgets, parents who overdisclose on Facebook or who cannot resist texting while they drive. Clearly, kids are not the only ones who need to upgrade their technology etiquette. Your influence as a role model continues in the virtual realm. It is hard, not to mention hypocritical, to ask your children to adopt healthy technology habits at home if you have not embraced them yourself.

  Be the parent. There is no easy time to be a parent, but the twenty-first century has ushered in unique dilemmas. The onslaught of new media and gadgetry has confounded many. On top of this, with parents working harder than ever, there is less and less time to talk about the challenges of raising children. Kids exploit this isolation shrewdly. They tell their parents they will be losers, left out or worse, if they do not keep up with the latest technology privilege or gadget. Parents, fearful that their children's predictions are real, or simply wanting to avoid World War Three during precious family time, oblige. They go against their gut desire to protect their kids in favor of keeping the peace and helping their kids keep up.

  When I travel around the country, I am taken aside by women who identify themselves to me as "mean moms," or parents who say "no." This is a troubling sign of the times. If using your authority is equated with meanness, then being a limit-setting parent is seen as marginal or deviant. I will not waste time in telling you that being "mean" is exactly what you need to be. In fact, if your daughter approves of your technology policy, you're probably doing something wrong. A sweeping statement, yes, but kids need limits on technology use, period.

  I ask parents who struggle with not wanting to be "mean" two questions. First, can you remember the most permissive parents you knew growing up? How did you feel about them when you were a kid? What do you think about them today, as a parent? The permissive parents were probably heaven to your kid brain, but dangerous in the more evolved one you have as a parent.

  Here's the second question: What is one thing your parents made you do, or forbade you from doing, that drove you nuts at the time but which you now see was exactly what you needed? Perhaps it was a family dinner on a certain night, or making you stick with playing an instrument. The point of these questions is to show that kids can't be behind the wheel on these issues. A girl's knowledge of technology does not mean she has the authority to define the terms of use. What she thinks is right—eating cupcakes for dinner, staying up all night, wearing a skirt that is more like a headband—is not necessarily going to be right for her. That is the challenge of parenting: setting limits and saying no, not because you will be thanked for it, but because it is what they need in the long term. The payoff comes later.

  Getting told "no" and "not yet" is part of growing up, and some things are simply not negotiable. Anything plugged in or networked is included in this constellation of letdowns. Conflict—and there is plenty on this subject—is itself a form of connection, a way you communicate your love for your child. You hold the line because you care.

  Define the use of technology as a privilege. Like being able to stay up late, drive a car, or go out alone with friends, the use of technology is a privilege that must be earned—and one that can be taken away when it is abused. The award of a privilege is usually based on a contract you have with your child. For example, in order to stay up late, she needs to maintain her GPA. To drive a car, she must obey the speed limit and special laws for minors. To go out alone with friends, she must call you and let you know where she is going, or if her location changes.

  To use social media, your daughter must also abide by a contract to be safe, responsible, and ethical online.86 It is up to you to communicate it. Rosalind Wiseman has a fantastic script for this:

  Technology can be really fun to use and it gives us incredible ac- cess to the world. But it is a privilege, not a right. And because it is a privilege, you have a responsibility to use it ethically. What using technology ethically looks like to me is that you never use it to humiliate, embarrass, send personal information, misrepresent yourself or someone else, use passwords without the person's permission, share embarrassing information or pictures of other people, put someone down (elementary school), or compromise yourself by sending pictures of you naked, half naked, in your bra (junior high/high school). Remember that it is so easy for things to get out of control. You know it. I know it. So I reserve the right to check your online life, from texting to your Facebook page. If I see that you are violating the terms of our agreement, I will take all of your technology away until you can earn my trust back. This is my unbreakable, unshakeable law.87

  Some parents elect to have their children sign a written contract outlining their obligations. Samples of ethical-use contracts are widely available online. However you decide to do it, the conversation is essential. If you have not had it with your own kids yet, it is perfectly fine to apologize for not doing it sooner, and even to acknowledge that you are still figuring out how to do the right thing as a parent. The bottom line is that you should never assume your child just "knows" how to act online, and she should know that her access depends on how she handles it.

  Give age-appropriate access. Most parents award privileges gradually, as a child is able to handle them. This is never more appropriate than in the realm of technology. Giving a fifth grader an iPhone is not a sign of your affection as a parent. Her first cell phone should be able to call her family or 911. It should neither text nor take photographs. You can roll out more privileges as she demonstrates her ability to use her phone safely and responsibly.

  Keep in mind that a cell phone is a computer, not a cell phone.88 Most girls use their telephones to text far more often than speak. They also use phones to take and send photographs, and log on to the Internet. Parents who give their children cell phones often do not appreciate the range of options they give kids to interact. Make sure you understand what your child's phone can do, and talk to your phone company about how to supervise her use and activate age-appropriate restrictions.

  Elementary-school girls do not need computers (or televisions, for that matter) in their bedrooms, nor should they, or middle-school girls, ever be on Facebook. I recognize that it is now considered "normal" for middle-school girls to have a Facebook account, but that certainly does not mean it's appropriate. It is no coincidence that bullying peaks between the ages of ten and thirteen; self-consciousness, insecurity, and an inexorable desire to fit in (along with the crippling fear that you might not) are pervasive. As I show in chapter four, sites like Facebook can make girls feel they fit in, but they also inspire intense feelings of anxiety and insecurity, not to mention online conflicts that quickly spin out of control.

  If your elementary or middle-school girl is already on Facebook, increased supervision is essential. You should have her password, be her Facebook friend, and check her page once a week. If she appears inactive, she may have a private page she is hiding from you. Keep in mind that middle school (and early high school, for that matter) is a period where extra parental vigilance around social media is crucial.

  Set limits. When young people have carte blanche access to electronic devices, they are more likely to get involved in drama and look
at content they shouldn't see. Saying no to tech use is one of the biggest wars you may have as a parent. While it's true you have to pick your battles, this is one fight worth having.

  Parents who do not permit their children to watch, eat, or wear anything they want need only extend this healthy sense of moderation to technology use. It may help to stop thinking about this world as "technology," which can seem intimidating and foreign. Instead, call what girls are doing online and with their phones "social media." In fact, social media is no different from the other media in your daughter's life that you have long regulated: you have overseen her gradual access to certain books, television shows, movies, and magazines. The same incremental approach applies with social media. Access to social media and its toys must be given gradually. It must be earned. And if it is not used appropriately, there must be consequences.

  Of course, there is one major difference between social media and, say, watching a television show. Unlike the one-sided act of watching something, a child uses social media to connect with other people. In some ways, it is the difference between playing soccer and riding a horse. You can kick a soccer ball as many times as you want without regard for the ball. When you ride a horse, you must always be sensitive to the creature you are sitting on and working with. It is a relationship. The same is true of social media. Being allowed to use a device or website can never be a simple "yes" or "no." As a child gets access to new privileges, it is not just to push buttons but to interact with others. There is a higher obligation to this sort of recreation, and a different measure of responsibility that must be met.

  Explain your choices. The expectation of safe, responsible, and ethical social media use should come with a clear explanation of why. It is rarely effective to set limits or say no "because I say so." Engaged parents explain to their children why they are saying no, in a way that respects the child as an individual who deserves to know the reasons why decisions are being made. Knowing why also gives your daughter real reasons to care about following the rules. That said, explaining your reasons for a rule does not mean it is open to negotiation. Once you have explained, you need not have the same conversation again and again. Yes, you may be the only parent who is setting these particular limits. That's okay. Your family is yours and no one else's—and this is where, finally, "because I say so" may be the last word.