Odd Girl Out
Page 40
Marcie was one of the first adult women I interviewed. The odd girl out more often than not during elementary and middle school, she confided that her current relationships with other women today are bittersweet. Now in her late twenties, she remarked, "Quite often, I feel like it's me who doesn't fit in with the rest of them. I know it's internal, and that there's a little part of me that will never quite trust them. There's a little part of me that believes they will turn on me at any moment."
Marcie's words were echoed in the voices of many girls and women I later met. Women like Marcie, injured in childhood by their peers, are still speaking in girls' voices. They feel a raw hurt and bewilderment that belies the years that have passed. These women are asking why the people around them, sometimes their closest friends, expressed anger indirectly and at times without warning, leaving them disoriented, alone, and full of self-blame.
When we can agree that nice girls get really angry, and that good girls are sometimes quite bad, we will have plowed the social desert between "nice" and "bitch." When we have built a positive vocabulary for girls to tell each other their truths, more girls will raise their voices. They will pose and answer their own questions and solve their own mysteries of relationship.
What greater gift can we give girls than the ability to speak their truths and honor the truths of their peers? In a world prepared to value all of girls' feelings and not just some, girls will enjoy the exhilarating freedom of honesty in relationship. They will live without the crippling fear of abandonment. It is my hope that as they, and any woman who has ever been the odd girl out, collect their thoughts to speak their minds, they will whisper to themselves, "What I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid?"108
Notes
1. Michelle Anthony, Little Girls Can Be Mean (New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2010).
2. See Marion K. Underwood, Social Aggression Among Girls (New York: Guilford Press, 2003). Also see the publications of Nicki R. Crick at the Institute of Child Development, University of Minnesota.
3. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads: Women's Psychology and Girls' Development (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1992).
4. Adrienne Rich, "From Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying," in On Lies, Secrets, and Silence: Selected Prose, 1966–1978 (New York: W. W. Norton, 1979).
5. Anne Campbell, Men, Women, and Aggression (New York: Basic Books, 1993).
6. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
7. Peggy Orenstein, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap (New York: Doubleday, 1994). In the first part of this quote Orenstein cites Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, "The Psychology of Women and the Development of Girls," paper presented at the Laurel-Harvard Conference on the Psychology of Women and the Education of Girls, Cleveland, OH, April 1990; Orenstein also advises readers to see Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
8. For other examples, see Beverly I. Fagot and Richard Hagan, "Aggression in Toddlers: Responses to the Assertive Acts of Boys and Girls," Sex Roles 12 (1985): 341–51; David G. Perry, Louise C. Perry, and Robert J. Weiss, "Sex Differences in the Consequences that Children Anticipate for Aggression," Developmental Psychology 25 (1989): 312–19.
9. Kaj Bjoerkqvist and Pirkko Niemela, "New Trends in the Study of Female Aggression," in Of Mice and Women: Aspects of Female Aggression, ed. K. Bjoerkqvist and P. Niemela (San Diego: Academic Press, 1992).
10. Kaj Bjoerkqvist, Kirsti M. J. Lagerspetz, and Ari Kaukiainen, "Do Girls Manipulate and Boys Fight.? Developmental Trends in Regard to Direct and Indirect Aggression," Aggressive Behavior 18 (1992): 117–27.
11. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
12. Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1982).
13. Adrienne Rich, "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence," in Blood, Bread, and Poetry: Selected Prose, 1979–11)85 (New York: W. W. Norton, 1986).
14. Anne Campbell, Men, Women, and Aggression.
15. For example, see Patricia A. Adler and Peter Adler, Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1998).
16. Nicki R. Crick, Maureen A. Bigbee, and Cynthia Howes, "Gender Differences in Children's Normative Beliefs about Aggression: How Do I Hurt Thee? Let Me Count the Ways," Child Development 67 (1996): 1003–14.
17. For the best overview of research on relational aggression, see Nicki R. Crick, et al., "Childhood Aggression and Gender: A New Look at an Old Problem," in Gender and Motivation, ed. Dan Bernstein (Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press, 1999).
18. Nicki R Crick, "The Role of Overt Aggression, Relational Aggression, and Prosocial Behavior in the Prediction of Children's Future Social Adjustment," Child Development 67 (1996): 2317–27; Nicki R Crick and Jennifer K. Grotpeter, "Relational Aggression, Gender, and Social-Psychological Adjustment," Child Development 66 (1995): 710–22; Nicki R. Crick, Maureen A. Bigbee, and Cynthia Howes, "Gender Differences in Children's Normative Beliefs about Aggression: How Do I Hurt Thee? Let Me Count the Ways."
19. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
20. Ibid.
21. Ibid.
22. Lynn Smith, "Hey, Poo-Poo Head, Let's Be Friends: Childhood Teasing Needn't Be Traumatic," Los Angeles Times, 6 December 2000, sec. E, p. 1.
23. Alice H. Eagly and Valerie J. Steffen, "Gender and Aggressive Behavior: A Meta-Analytic Review of the Social Psychological Literature," Psychological Bulletin 100 (1986): 309–30; Ann Frodi, Jacqueline Macaulay, and Pauline R. Thorne, "Are Women Always Less Aggressive Than Men? A Review of the Experimental Literature," Psychological Bulletin 84 (1977): 634–60.
24. Don E. Merten, "The Meaning of Meanness: Popularity, Competition, and Conflict among Junior High School Girls," Sociology of Education 70 (1997): 175–91.
25. Erica Goode, "Scientists Find a Particularly Female Response to Stress," New York Times, 19 May 2000, sec. A, p. 20.
26. danah boyd, "'Bullying' Has Little Resonance with Teenagers," November 15, 2010, blog post at www.zephoria.org. See also "Victimization of Adolescent Girls" by Amanda Burgess-Proctor, Sameer Hinduja, and Justin Patchin. Cyberbullying Research Center (2010), www.cyberbullying.us. I have also noticed this in informal surveys I take when I visit schools around the country.
27. Thankfully, this is changing. Increasingly, state laws are mandating that schools include cyberbullying in their anti-bullying policy.
28. danah boyd, "Friendship," in Hanging Out, Messing Around and Geeking Out, eds. Mizuko Ito, et al. (Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2010).
29. "Popularity math" is a phrase suggested by Lilly Jay to describe this phenomenon.
30. S. Hinduja and J. W. Patchin, School Climate and Cyber Integrity: Preventing Cyberbullying and Sexting One Classroom at a Time (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications/Corwin Press, 2012, in press).
31. I first read this on danah boyd's blog as a single statement.
32. Jan Hoffman, "As Bullies Go Digital, Parents Play Catch Up," New York Times, 4 December 2010.
33. Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8–18 Year Olds. Kaiser Family Foundation Study (January 2010).
34. The Nielsen Company, US Teen Mobile Report (October 2010). In their study, Teens, Cell Phones and Texting, the Pew Internet and American Life Project (2006) also found that 1 in 3 teens sent 3,000 texts per month.
35. S. Hinduja and J. W. Patchin, School Climate and Cyber Integrity: Preventing Cyberbullying and Sexting One Classroom at a Time. See also Pew Internet and American Life Project "Cyberbullying" (2006). Online at www.pewinternet.org.
36. Cyberbullying Research Center, Cyberbullying: Identification, Prevention, and Response by Sameer Hinduja and Justin Patchin (2010).
37. Racial disparity has grown significantly in recent years. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, black a
nd Hispanic children consume nearly 4.5 hours more media daily than white children. While the largest difference is in television viewing, there is less of a gap in computer and phone use. In 2009 white youth texted for an average of 1:22 a day, while black and Hispanic youth texted an average of 2:03 and 1:42, respectively.
38. Teens, Cell Phones, and Texting. Pew Internet and American Life Project (April 21, 2010).
39. Girl Scout Research Institute, Who's That Girl study (2010).
40. Girl Scout Research Institute, Who's That Girl study (2010).
41. This conversation has been published as it was delivered to me. Typos and other errors were in the original exchange.
42. National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, Sex and Tech: Results from a Survey of Teens and Young Adults (Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 2009). Two surveys in 2009 (by MTV and Cox Communications) found only 10 percent and 9 percent of teens, respectively, had sexted.
43. See Sharon Lamb, The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do—Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt (New York: Free Press, 2002).
44. Obviously, the sample of girls who submit requests for advice is not random. Girls who are looking for advice may already be struggling with insecurity.
45. According to the report, the complete definition of sexualization is when a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics; a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy; a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others' sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.
46. APA Study (link www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx). Report of the APA Task force on the Sexualization of Girls (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2007).
47. For example, see Jean Kilbourne, Deadly Persuasion: Why Women and Girls Must Fight the Addictive Power of Advertising (New York: Free Press, 1999); Deborah L. Tolman and Elizabeth Debold, "Conflicts of Body and Image: Female Adolescents, Desire, and the No-Body Body," in Feminist Perspectives on Eating Disorders, eds. Melanie Katzman, Patricia Fallon, and S. Wooley (New York: Guilford Press, 1994).
48. Peggy Orenstein, Schoolgirls.
49. Patrick Welsh, "Bully-Boy Focus Overlooks Vicious Acts by Girls," USA Today, 12 June 2001, sec. A, p. 15.
50. Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women (New York: Doubleday, 1998).
51. A welcome exception to this rule appears to be athletics, where com- ODD petition among girls is embraced and encouraged. However, the freedom to compete openly has yet to move off the field.
52. Lyn Mikel Brown, Raising Their Voices: The Politics of Girls' Anger (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998).
53. Deborah L. Tolman, "Daring to Desire," in Sexual Cultures and the Construction of Adolescent Identities, ed. Janice Irvine (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1994).
54. Mimi Nichter and Nancy Vuckovic, "Fat Talk: Body Image among Adolescent Girls," in Many Mirrors: Body Image and Social Relations, ed. Nicole Sault (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1994).
55. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan, Between Voice and Silence: Women and Girls, Race and Relationship (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1995).
56. Nicki R. Crick, et al., "Childhood Aggression and Gender."
57. Perhaps this is because the memory of being victimized buffered these speakers against the feelings that may have deterred others from telling their stories.
58. Adrienne Rich, "From Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying."
59. Wiseman's Empower Program group in Washington, DC, works to end violence of all kinds between teenagers, and her "Owning Up" curriculum can be found at www.empowered.org.
60. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
61. Patricia A. Adler and Peter Adler, Peer Power.
62. Carolyn G. Heilbrun, Writing a Woman's Life (New York: Ballantine, 1988).
63. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
64. Ibid.
65. American Association of University Women, Shortchanging Girls, Shortchanging America: A Call to Action (Washington, DC: American Association of University Women, 1991).
66. Niobe Way, "Between Experiences of Betrayal and Desire," in Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities, ed. Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way (New York: New York University Press, 1996).
67. bell hooks, Bone Black: Memories of Girlhood (New York: Henry Holt & Co., 1996).
68. Dorothy Allison, Two or Three Things I Know for Sure (New York: Dutton, 1995).
69. Lyn Mikel Brown, Raising Their Voices.
70. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan, Between Voice and Silence.
71. Janie Victoria Ward, "Raising Resisters: The Role of Truth Telling in the Psychological Development of African-American Girls," in Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities, ed. Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way (New York: New York University Press, 1996).
72. Ibid.
73. Patricia Hill Collins, "The Meaning of Motherhood in Black Culture and Black Mother-Daughter Relationships," in Double Stitch: Black Women Write about Mothers and Daughters, ed. Patricia Bell-Scott, et al. (Boston: Beacon Press, 1991).
74. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
75. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan, Between Voice and Silence.
76. Tracy Robinson and Janie Victoria Ward, "'A Belief in Self Far Greater Than Anyone's Disbelief': Cultivating Resistance among African American Female Adolescents," in Women, Girls, and Psychotherapy: Reframing Resistance, ed. Carol Gilligan, Annie Rogers, and Deborah Tolman (New York: Harrington Park Press, 1991).
77. Ena Vazquez-Nuttall, Zoila Avila-Vivas, and Gisela Morales-Barreto, "Working with Latin American Families," in Family Therapy with School Related Problems, ed. James Hansen and Barbara Okun (Rockville, MD: Aspen Systems Corp., 1984).
78. Janie Victoria Ward, "Raising Resisters: The Role of Truth Telling in the Psychological Development of African-American Girls."
79. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan, Between Voice and Silence.
80. Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids (New York: HarperCollins, 2006).
81. Rosalind Wiseman and Elizabeth Rapoport, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child's Life (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007).
82. An article by Judith Jordan was particularly helpful to me on this point. J. V. Jordan, "Relational Resilience," No. 57. Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies, Wellesley, MA, 1992.
83. Consult the work of Stan Davis for more information on how to empower your child as a bystander, especially Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2007).
84. N. E. Werner, S. Senich, and K. Przepyszny, "Mothers' responses to preschoolers' relational and physical aggression," Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 27 (2006): 193–208.
85. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads.
86. Internet safety expert Lori Getz uses this phrase to describe the three ODD most important values of digital citizenship.
87. Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2009).
88. Ibid.
89. Kaiser Family Foundation, "Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8–18 Year Olds" (January 2010).
90. Ibid.
91. Internet safety experts widely recommend this protocol.
92. I got this exercise from materials distributed by the Girl Scouts of Nassau County, New York.
93. Rosalind Wisema
n, Queen Bees and Wannabes.
94. Peggy Orenstein, Schoolgirls.
95. Dan Olweus and Susan Limber, Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, Schoolwide Guide (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2007).
96. Ibid., 59.
97. Ibid., 70.
98. Website of the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL), www.casel.org. In addition, there are several excellent curricula that specialize in developing girls' skills in these areas. "Girl Meets World," the curriculum of the Girls Leadership Institute; "Full of Ourselves" by Lisa Sjostrom and Catherine Steiner-Adair; and GIRLS by Julia Taylor and Shannon Trice-Black (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2007).
99. I learned about class contracts from Rosalind Wiseman, Owning Up: Empowering Adolescents to Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying and Injustice (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2009).
100. Maggie Bittel is not credited with creating the term "put-up."
101. I created this exercise following a conversation with Maggie Bittel about her use of a similar glossary in her classroom.
102. Olweus and Limber, Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, Schoolwide Guide, pp. 34 and 37.
103. For more insight on how to talk with challenging parents, see Michael Thompson and Alison Fox Mazzola's Understanding Independent School Parents: An NAIS Guide to Successful Family-School Relationships (Washington, DC: National Association of Independent Schools, 2005), or Dealing with Difficult Parents by Todd Whitaker and Douglas Fiore (Larchmont, NY: Eye on Education, 2001).
104. Anne Campbell, Men, Women, and Aggression.
105. Gail Evans, Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman (New York: Broadway Books, 2000).
106. Neela Banerjee, "Some 'Bullies' Seek Ways to Soften Up; Toughness Has Risks for Women Executives," New York Times, 10 August 2001, sec. C, p.
107. For example, see Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, Meeting at the Crossroads; Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia.