Cutter: Contemporary Romance Novel

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  When the cold metal touched my skin I wanted to pull it away, but then I slashed my bare flesh with one swift movement. After that I couldn’t stop. I wanted to mark my skin even deeper, not feeling any pain. I felt incredibly light and numb. The anxiety was gone and I was just happy.

  The blood was pouring from five deep cuts, while unbelievable bliss filled my stomach.

  When Sophia thought about that day, she wasn’t proud of herself. She wanted to cry; she felt stupid and useless. When she was harming herself she felt brave, ready to confront her mother about everything. Now those days were behind her and she wanted to forget what she had done to her own body. This wasn’t the way of dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. She looked back at Harry and swallowed hard.

  “For now, yes,” he replied, still looking at her lips. “Yes, I was caught with cocaine and weed, but that doesn’t mean that I take drugs.”

  “Was it about the money?”

  “No, it wasn’t about the money,” he replied, shifting on the chair. “Your father is Libyan and you’re from London, so I can’t really understand what you are doing here in this shitty city.”

  “Can we concentrate on you here?” she snapped, annoyed. She didn’t want to talk about herself; he was setting her emotions on fire.

  “I hate Ireland and I can’t understand why you would leave London to come here.”

  “This opportunity came along and I decided to take it. Belfast is a beautiful city. Maybe it’s more difficult to find work here, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you,” she told him, feeling that she could fight the panic attacks. This never happened to her before, not at work. His eyes flickered in uncertainty.

  “I hate Ireland and I still can’t understand why you would leave London to come here. There must be more opportunities in London.”

  “So, on the subject of work and opportunities, have you applied for many jobs?” she continued, ignoring his statement. She had to carry on; she needed to finish this report and make him leave.

  “I have applied for a few, but I’ve not heard anything back from anyone.”

  “That’s understandable,” she sighed. “Well, Susan mentioned a home visit in a few weeks...”

  “Home visit?” he repeated.

  “I need to interview you within your home environment. Don’t look so surprised – you knew that this was coming. We can arrange a date later on,” she said quickly.

  He sat back, tightening his jaw. Maybe he liked his privacy or maybe he was hiding something. Sophia was determined to get to the bottom of why he looked so taken aback by her comment.

  “Well, if you have to,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He knew that he was good looking. She always tended to stay away from arrogant guys, but she had to admit that something was pulling her towards him. This fascination was wrong; she could get into trouble. She could lose her job, her career, and her dreams. Everything was on the line.

  “I think this will be enough for today. Next week we will discuss a home visit,” she said with a steady voice. She needed fresh air. It was like the room was infused with Harry’s scent. It was all over her, and she couldn’t do anything to get rid of it.

  “Belfast is rough, and I can take you to the places that would make you run back to London. Trust me, you don’t want to be here,” he said, leaning closer.

  Sophia’s smile faded away.

  “I’ll see you next week, Harry. Just stay out of trouble,” she said, trying to insinuate that this was goodbye and the end of this conversation.

  Harry licked his upper lip and rose. Sophia watched him, and though she hated to admit it, he had an incredible body. The piercing and the tattoos were just making him more attractive. He was the type of man that she always avoided.

  “So is that a yes or no, Sophia?” he asked, still not moving.

  She wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. Was he asking her if it was all right for him to show her Belfast?

  “I don’t think this would be appropriate, Harry,” she replied in a small voice.

  He laughed. “It’s not like I’m asking you out, I’m doing this because you have no idea what you got yourself into, so I just want to open your eyes,” he said and winked at her.

  “Goodbye, Harry.”

  She smiled and went back to her computer screen until she heard him leave. Finally, when she was alone, she sat back taking long steady breaths. Her body was drenched with sweat and she wasn’t sure what was happening to her. Did she have another anxiety attack? She felt lightheaded. This wasn’t the way she should have conducted this meeting. Harry was arrogant; he interrupted other people when he spoke and didn’t seem to like following the rules. One word from Sophia and he could be in trouble again. She couldn’t forget how he made her feel. This attraction was filling her mind, body, and soul, leaving an eternal mark on her core. She shook her head, smiling to herself. She was attracted to him, but he was her client so nothing was going to happen between them.

  ***

  Harry wanted to smash his fist into a wall. The meeting took way too long. When he saw Sophia for the first time, he didn’t like her. She looked out of place and he could feel that she was weak and insecure. When he stepped outside, his breathing was shallow and he felt aroused. He didn’t even understand why he suggested this stupid game. Was he trying to find out more about her?

  She was probably just a spoilt baby, living with her distant rich family in Belfast. Plus, she was his probation officer. But since the first meeting, he couldn’t forget that long hair and those amber eyes. He was confused and he certainly didn’t want to be polite; he was angry that Susan had decided to hand his case over to Sophia. Even her name was driving him insane. He started walking towards town, thinking about today’s meeting. He was hard now and he wasn’t happy about that. He played it cool in front of her, but inside he wanted to know everything about her. No wonder why she had such beautiful hair; she was half Libyan.

  He was irritated because he told her that she shouldn’t be in Belfast and he offered to show her the city. What was wrong with him? No one in their right mind would do that. He was sure that he needed to fuck someone, and then he would forget about Sophia. Maybe Kirsty was free today.

  He’d parked his car in one of the nearby streets earlier because he had to ship some of his goods today. He couldn’t wait any longer. He needed more money, so he pushed thoughts about Sophia away. Besides, if she had known the truth about him, she would report him and he would be back in prison. The home visit might complicate everything. He wanted to hide the reality about his mother for as long as possible. Maybe she was young and inexperienced, but she wasn’t stupid.

  Harry got into his car. Clenching his fists, he tried hard not to think about her but he couldn’t deny that she was making him hard. He picked up his phone and dialled Kirsty’s number.

  “All right, babe. Fancy seeing me tonight?” he asked in his usual seductive voice.

  Chapter Seven

  After the intense day at the office, Sophia crashed on the sofa, rubbing her head. She was exhausted.

  “Hard day?” Vanessa asked, walking into the living room.

  “You can’t even imagine,” sighed Sophia, staring at her friend. “Are you going somewhere?”

  “Yes, I’ve got a date with Paul and this time no one is going to stop me.”

  “That’s great,” said Sophia, smiling. “I’m sure you will have fun.”

  “He has been pestering me with text messages, so he is pretty up for it,” she grinned. “What about you?”

  “Me? Well, today I had a really strange conversation with one of my clients. He told me that I shouldn’t be in Belfast and he offered to show me around,” she stated, rolling her eyes. Vanessa stopped brushing her hair and looked at her, bewildered.

  “What does that even mean? Did he ask you out?”

  “I don’t know what that meant. His name is Harry and he behaved like a total prick when I met him for the first time, but today he
wanted to know everything about me,” explained Sophia, biting her lower lip. Vanessa’s pupils dilated.

  “Wow, so he did ask you out. Is he hot?”

  She smiled, thinking about Harry.

  “Oh my God, so he is hot and a naughty boy. This can’t get any better!” screamed Vanessa with excitement.

  “C’mon, you can’t label him like that! I’m his probation officer, so don’t start jumping into some inappropriate conclusions,” protested Sophia, now regretting that she said anything at all to Vanessa.

  “Are you crazy? This is so hot. You have to say yes to that,” she demanded, narrowing her eyes.

  “It’s my second week, Vanessa, and I’m not going to say yes to anything. I’m his case worker and no matter how attracted I feel to –”

  “So you are attracted to him?”

  Sophia sighed, feeling that her face was heating up and she’d made a schoolgirl error. Vanessa sat next to her, smiling.

  “Fine. Yes, if you must know, I feel attracted to him,” she replied.

  “Tell me, who was the last person you had sex with?” asked Vanessa, looking at her reflection at the small mirror in her hand.

  Sophia felt a soaring sensation in her stomach. She really wasn’t comfortable with Vanessa knowing that she hadn’t actually slept with anyone yet, but her scarlet face was probably already giving her away.

  “Hey, Soph, please tell me that you’ve had sex already.”

  She finally looked at her. This couldn’t be any more embarrassing. She exhaled.

  “Well, about that...”

  “No way. Don’t tell me that you’re still a virgin?”

  “Vanessa, a lot of things happened when you left London and I...”

  She couldn’t finish. She wasn’t ready to tell her about all of her pain. This was too humiliating and her friend wouldn’t even understand why she was insecure.

  “Don’t worry, darling. You are in Belfast and you have a hot boy who is interested in you. I’m sure that your first sexual experience will be amazing. I’m not judging,” said Vanessa, smiling. Sophia was glad that Vanessa wasn’t making fun of her.

  “I’m not looking for a one night stand, Vanessa,” pointed out Sophia, getting frustrated that she was afraid to tell her friend what exactly had happened to her. She was afraid to talk about it, feeling that she would lose her dignity.

  “What about that other guy, Mason? He was cute.”

  “He was, but I didn’t take his number as you know. If we ever meet again, I promise that I won’t blow him off.”

  Sophia felt stupid now. She should have given him her number. It’s not like she didn’t want to have sex – she did – but she knew how difficult it would be to explain the reason behind all the scars on her body. She was worried about being rejected.

  “Don’t worry, babe. You won’t be a virgin long. You’re on holiday and we will find you a hot guy sooner or later. Trust me, sex is great! As soon as you try it, you will know what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’m off. I’ll be back by midnight – or maybe in the morning,” added Vanessa, sending Sophia a playful wink.

  “All right,” muttered Sophia.

  She sat back, thinking about what Vanessa had said. She wasn’t bad looking, and the other night someone was interested in her, so maybe Vanessa was right. She was going to sleep with someone by September. She left London to change her life for the better. She wasn’t dependent on her parents all the time. It was her life and she could do what she wanted.

  ***

  “How is your situation with accommodation?”

  Craig was staring at her reluctantly. He didn’t look good at all, thought Sophia. It was Friday afternoon but she still had a lot of work. Craig has been sofa surfing for about a month and he told Sophia today that he was fed up. He was twenty-eight, but looked much older than that. He was definitely underweight with large dark circles under his eyes and sallow skin. Sophia suspected that he was still taking drugs. She wanted to sort out a place in a hostel for him.

  “I don’t want to sleep on the floor. There are too many smack heads up there. I ain’t going back,” he protested.

  “Let me make some phone calls to see if there is another hostel available, but the other one might be quite a distance away from the city centre,” she explained, picking up the phone.

  Craig nodded and rubbed his green eyes. He looked filthy; he looked like he had been working in a muddy field. For a moment Sophia wondered if he was earning cash in hand. He probably was, but she couldn’t be sure.

  Finally, someone picked up the phone and she managed to speak to a lovely woman, but she wasn’t able to help. The hostel was full and there was a waiting list.

  “I’m afraid that the only option for now is for you to get back to the hostel and sleep on the floor until a space becomes available,” she said.

  “I told you, I ain’t going back there. My mate said that he would ask his landlord to see if there are any rooms. I’ll ask someone to lend me the cash,” replied Craig.

  Sophia sighed and made a note on the system.

  “All right. Here is your next appointment. Just make sure you won’t be late this time and please stay out of trouble,” she explained, narrowing her eyes.

  She wasn’t sure what else to suggest. She assumed that Craig was going to be back in prison, unless she could sort him out with decent accommodation.

  He gave her a faint smile and left. She finished her report. Harry O’Donaghue didn’t turn up for his appointment today and Sophia was worried that something must have happened. He knew the rules of his probation and he knew the consequences of missing any appointments. She tried to call him, but the number seemed engaged. This afternoon she didn’t have any more reviews. She hadn’t been looking forward to seeing him today, but she didn’t want him to go back to prison either.

  “Have you tried to contact Harry?” asked Susan, throwing Sophia away from her thoughts as she entered Sophia’s office.

  “No. I tried to call him, but the number doesn’t work.”

  Susan pursed her lips, looking annoyed.

  “He has community service today. He should be finishing at four o’clock. Do you think you would be comfortable going to see him there?”

  Sophia’s heart gave a giant thump.

  “Yes, I suppose so, but I don’t think that he will be very happy seeing me turn up unexpectedly,” she replied, feeling uneasy at seeing Harry outside the probation office.

  Susan smiled, looking satisfied.

  “I’ll give you the details. I know that you don’t drive, but there is a bus that goes there. Just do the quick review on the side. Tell him that we need the evidence of why he didn’t attend,” she explained.

  Sophia nodded, taking the information about Harry’s community service. She couldn’t say no to Susan. She was going to meet Harry in his territory and she wasn’t sure what to expect. She packed all the forms and checked the buses that were running to that area of Belfast. The tiny voice in her head was telling her not to go.

  “Good luck,” said Susan while she was leaving.

  Sophia felt like she was going to need all the luck in the world.

  Twenty minutes later she left the building feeling anxious about this whole idea. Seeing Harry alone outside the probation office brought cold chills down her spine. She took a deep breath and decided to think about the relaxing bath that was waiting for her at home. This was her first adventure outside Belfast. Vanessa mentioned that some of the parts were dangerous to go to, but today Sophia had to take her chances. For some reason, she had been disappointed when she realised that he wasn’t going to attend, so despite her apprehension, she knew she wanted to see him.

  The address that Susan gave Sophia was in North Belfast. She was told that Harry was cleaning the park with a group of a few other offenders, so it wasn’t going to be difficult to find him. She tied up her hair in a ponytail. The weather was great today and she was already boiling. The trip on the bus was pleasant, as she had
a chance to see different parts of the city. The driver let her know when it was her stop. She wasn’t familiar with the area when she left the bus. The street appeared busy, filled with people who were probably rushing home. She looked at her map, trying to locate the park. She asked a pedestrian to point her in the right direction. It turned out that the local park wasn’t that far. Her intuition told her that this area wasn’t one of the safest, but she couldn’t back away now; she had a task to complete. She carried on walking until she reached the wide road. Finally she noticed the park nearby on the other side of the street. She bit her lip with anticipation, wondering how Harry was going to react when he saw her here.