A few hours later, when Sophia got out of the car in gloomy, rainy weather, reality hit her like an avalanche of snow. She was back in London, back to her miserable life. The rain was pouring from the sky and she hoped that she could just fade away. Her street looked daunting, and the anxiety crumbled through her, crushing down the life that was left inside of her. Michelle had run to her when she stepped through the door, hugging her tightly. Her father was still talking to Mason in the car.
“Sophia, darling. I’m so glad that you are back. I missed you,” cried her mother.
“Did you send Dad to bring me back from Belfast? Did you know about the pictures?” She pulled away, gazing into her mother’s eyes and searching for understanding, but there was none.
“We were both concerned about your safety, darling. This romance was just a summer fling. Soon you will forget about him.”
Sophia tensed every muscle in her body and clenched her fists, stepping away from her mother.
“I can’t believe that you let him ruin my life like this. I truly despise both of you,” she hissed and ran into the house, not looking back. Everyone betrayed her. Her parent’s minds were poisoned with over exaggerated ambition. They couldn’t tell their friends that Sophia was going out with a deprived member of society, with the offender that she was supposed to work with.
That night Sophia couldn’t sleep; she received at least ten emails from Harry and Vanessa, but she didn’t know how to explain. What more could be done? This was for the best, for Harry to not end up back in prison because of her. She didn’t even say that she was leaving her job. She let down the agency and Susan. She was supposed to stay in work for another two weeks. She was going to call in the morning and explain herself – but what she was going to say, she didn’t know. For the first time in years she heard her parents screaming at each other. She could hear them quite clearly. Obviously her mother was blaming her father that Sophia didn’t want to talk to her, that she hated them. Their arguments went on for hours, but Sophia didn’t listen. She switched on the TV and increased the volume, blocking out the voices that she couldn’t stand. She hated her life and her parents, thinking that they were manipulative liars. People that apparently wanted the best for her.
***
Soon the empty days turned into weeks. The time slowed down for Sophia, and the hole in her heart grew wider and deeper. Her new life was suffocating her. Every day was filled with tears, arguments, and more pain. Nothing about it was beautiful and she felt a dull pain constantly. A sharp ache hung inside of her chest at all times. She didn’t want to think that she was going back to university soon. Since her return, she hadn’t spoken to her father, avoiding him like the plague. She was glad that he was spending a lot of time in his office, coming home late. Sophia had been thinking about Harry nonstop, but slowly her memories were being eradicated by the pain. She got up, read, slept, and ate. Michelle knocked on the door to her room many times, but Sophia refused to talk to her. Then they screamed and arguments filled the room until Michelle left her alone again. Ramona was still away, travelling around Europe with some friends. She explained to Vanessa in emails what had happened back in Belfast. She couldn’t mention the pictures, but she said that her father made her stay away from Harry, and if she at all tried to contact him, he could end up back in prison. Her friend wanted to know more but she refused to be specific. She told Vanessa to say sorry to Harry for her.
She never believed that she could ever love anyone like Harry, every nerve in her body needed him back, and every inch of her became painfully aware that he wasn’t with her. She kept her promise to him that she wouldn’t hurt herself anymore. She didn’t have to worry about panic attacks and anxiety; the pain replaced her demons, shutting her body off, scalding away his scent and touch, pouring the gloom into her soul.
This continued until the day before she was supposed to start her classes again. In the past week she left the house more often, walking through the streets without any sense of direction. That morning she woke up with a rumbling stomach. She put her dressing robe and left her room. She was hoping that her mother had already left, so she wouldn’t have to deal with her, but she froze once she reached the kitchen.
“Sophia, hun, do you want breakfast? I can make you scrambled eggs?” asked Michelle, appearing from the porch. Sophia’s stomach tightened and her pulse increased. She’d made her breakfast only a few times, because she was always too busy with her business. Sophia learnt to look after herself from a young age. This didn’t matter anymore because Sophia didn’t want to be in the same room with her mother. She took part in her father’s master plan, and Sophia refused to forgive her.
“I don’t want anything from you,” replied Sophia, putting the kettle on. She didn’t have to look at Michelle; the air in the kitchen shifted. She expected her mother to begin yet another argument, but Michelle was silent, watching her carefully.
“You are scaring me, Soph. I don’t want to see you unhappy. We just wanted the best for you,” she sighed. “You didn’t possibly think that you had any future with that criminal, did you?”
“You know nothing about him,” Sophia replied quietly, pressing her hands to the table as her fists went white. “You are incapable of loving. You would never understand how much I love him!”
“Soph, it was for your own good. I might not agree with your father’s method, but...”
“You still don’t get it, do you? He is the love of my life. You both ruined everything and I’ll never forgive you!”
She turned around and darted her eyes at Michelle. Anger pushed the nausea down into her stomach, and she rushed away from the kitchen. Her parents still didn’t get it and her mother pretended that everything was all right. She smashed her fist into a wall and her tears began to fall. She missed him so much that her body was burning, the fire erupting through her skin. She couldn’t stand a minute away from him.
She should have told him how much she loved him the second when she realised it. She wasted so much time being with him but never telling him what was going on inside her heart. She wiped away her tears, staring at the world outside the window. She was going to lose her mind if the pain in her heart didn’t ease. There was nothing left, just the darkness and despair.
Chapter Thirty-eight
The situation grew worse at home, if that was even possible, as Sophia didn’t think it could get much worse. She went back to university and threw herself into her studies, trying to blind her pain with books and coursework. One silver lining came out of the end of summer: Ramona came back to London after her travels around Europe. Sophia had to see her cousin, desperately, so she after she was done with classes for the day, she headed straight to Ramona’s house. Sophia passed through the gate and headed towards her house. Her aunt was already waiting for her at the door.
“Oh, Sophia, how nice to see you. Come on in,” said her Aunt Julie, beaming. She looked a lot like her mother, thin face and straight blonde hair, but Aunt Julia was more down to earth. Sophia liked spending time in her house when she was younger.
“Is Ramona in? I heard that she was back.”
“She is, and she can’t stop talking about Budapest; she is organising another trip in a few months,” chuckled Julia. “But how are you, darling? I’ve been meaning to catch up with your mother recently, but she kept telling me that she was busy.”
“Well, I guess she is,” muttered Sophia. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You don’t look fine.”
“I’m just not feeling well. Obviously just been a long first week back at uni. I’ll tell my mum that you wanted to talk to her.”
“Okay, darling, I’ll catch up with you later. Go up and see the frequent traveller.”
Sophia was so glad that she could just go upstairs and forget about the conversation with her aunt. She wasn’t ready to be questioned, and she didn’t want to talk about her mother. Ramona was waiting for her on the top of the stairs.
“Hey, mon cher
i! I was just about to call you.”
Sophia smiled and they both walked into Ramona’s room. Sophia felt that the heavy weight in her chest was back. Now she had to tell her everything.
“I’m so glad to see you.”
“God, tell me about it,” sighed Ramona, sinking back on her designer chair. “But I want to know what’s up with you?”
Sophia took a deep breath and started talking. She explained everything from the point when Ramona left. Throughout the story Ramona got up and paced around the room, muttering something under her breath. Normally she would interrupt Sophia, but this time she kept glancing at Sophia in shock. When Sophia mentioned the arrival of her father, the pictures that Mason took, Ramona lost it.
“What the fuck did you just say?” asked Ramona with a husky whisper.
“I tried to beg him but he wouldn’t listen. He even smashed my phone so I couldn’t contact Harry.”
“What a son of a bitch! I knew that your father was a lunatic, but this is beyond crazy!” roared Ramona.
“So I didn’t have a choice. I had to leave with him. I gave Harry the money for his mother’s operation through Vanessa. I lied to her, saying that I was going to call her later, knowing that my phone was broken! I’ve been awful to the people I care about, but what else could I have done?”
Anger flashed in her cousin’s eyes. She sat back, her brows inching up her forehead.
“I want to kill your father,” she said, pursing her lips together.
“There is no point. He has pictures of Harry so he is in control.”
“Sophia, this is sick, so messed up. I never knew that he was capable of doing anything like that, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”
Sophia nodded.
“You have fallen for Harry, haven’t you?” asked Ramona.
“Yes, I’m in love with him.”
“I’m glad that you gave him a chance and I’m even happier that you slept with him,” continued Ramona.
“Ramona, please, it’s over. I’ll never get to see him again unless I want to visit him in prison. He probably hates me now.”
“There must be a way,” muttered Ramona, and then her pupils dilated. She approached Sophia and placed her hands on her arms. “How about I fly to Belfast and explain to him everything that happened here, and –”
“No,” Sophia cut her off. “He might want to come here, and then what? He is going to get arrested again. My father probably hired someone who watches me here all the time, just to make sure that I’m not doing anything behind his back.”
Ramona clenched her fists until her knuckles were bleached. She muttered something like “bastard” and “scum” under her breath before she spoke loudly.
“So you are in love with Harry, the bad Irish hottie? What about him; did he tell you how he feels about you?”
Sophia sucked the corner of her mouth and dropped her eyes. Harry didn’t tell her how he felt about her.
“We didn’t discuss our feelings or the future. He was reluctant to ask me anything, and I was too scared to bring it up.”
Ramona exhaled sharply. Sophia wasn’t sure why Ramona needed to know all of these things. Nothing mattered right now. Harry was in Belfast and she just couldn’t be with him. It was over between them.
“Mon cheri, you are suffering and I can’t stand to look at you like this. I haven’t met this Harry O’Donaghue, but from what you told me, he is the one for you.” She paused and licked her upper lip. “There must be something that we can do. Your father can’t be smarter than us.”
“I saw those pictures, Ramona. Harry was stupid dealing and he was even more stupid doing it where anyone could see him. It’s done. He will soon forget about me. I’ll deal with my feelings. It’s clear that we don’t have anything left.”
“What about Vanessa? You can’t just end all contact with her. She is your friend and she is probably worried sick about you,” yelled Ramona, going scarlet. She looked angry and frustrated, not normally the cool Ramona that Sophia was used to.
Sophia felt guilty. Vanessa let her stay in her apartment and she betrayed her. She hid her face in her hands, feeling completely lost.
“I’ll talk to her, but not now. Harry needs to move on first.”
“There must be a way, Soph. It can’t end like this.”
***
Harry was in emotional turmoil. He eventually decided to use Sophia’s money and paid for his mother’s operation. The surgery took place last night and he still hadn’t slept. Caroline, Claire, and Eve were with him. In the late afternoon, the doctor told him that the operation went well and his mother should recover just fine. It had been weeks since Sophia vanished and Harry wasn’t coping well. He tried sending emails, but after a few days, his emails went unanswered. Vanessa swore that she didn’t have a clue where Sophia lived. She left London years ago and Sophia moved a few times, never giving Vanessa her last address. He couldn’t believe that Sophia could cut Vanessa off, just to stay away from him. In the past few weeks Harry had been in Vanessa’s apartment nearly every day, trying to find out as much as he could about Sophia’s life in London. All Vanessa would tell him is that she wasn’t allowed to contact him. But he couldn’t understand why. He spent nearly the whole summer with her, and so he knew her. He tried to hide his anger, fear, and frustration and be there for his mother, but he was slowly losing the battle.
He loved her. His body needed her back. Every day a new pain sped through him like an out-of- control fire. Every morning he woke up with the hope that he was going to see her again. He was back with Susan, and when he asked about Sophia, Susan muttered something about a family emergency. He wanted to ask if she had her address or telephone number, but he knew that was pushing his limits. He barely slept, creating a new plan in his head. If Sophia wasn’t going to contact him in the next few days, he would book a bus to London. He had her old address from badgering Vanessa and someone was bound to know where she had moved to.
Caroline was waiting for him in the car. He needed to go back to Vanessa’s. She probably wasn’t going to be very happy when she saw him again, but right now Harry was desperate and he didn’t care about Vanessa. He wanted to know where Sophia was.
“Are you all right?” asked Caroline, staring at him intensely. Harry started the engine and tightened his grip on the wheel.
“I’m fine. Can you stop asking me that?” he snapped, but then he automatically felt bad that he snapped at Caroline. It wasn’t her fault that Sophia didn’t want to see him. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
“Don’t worry about me, Harry. I’m just worried that you are going to do something stupid.”
“I’m just going to look for her, all right? That isn’t stupid.”
“We both know that this doesn’t make any sense. Vanessa doesn’t have her new address and you have no idea where to look. Once you get there, then what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet, Caroline, just drop it for now. I’m going to talk to Vanessa first.”
They didn’t talk until Harry parked at Vanessa’s apartment. Caroline offered to go with him, just to make sure that he wasn’t going to do anything foolish. Harry felt bad leaving his mother with Aunt Claire, but he had to have Sophia back, otherwise his life was meaningless.
He knocked on Vanessa’s door, folding his arms together. He wasn’t even sure if she was going to be in, but luckily she opened the door.
“What the fuck, Harry? How many times do I have to tell you that I haven’t heard from her? She hasn’t emailed me or tried to contact me since the last time,” shouted Vanessa angrily.
“It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to London to look for her. I just need her old address,” said Harry. Vanessa shook her head with disbelief and walked away. Caroline bit her lip, but followed Harry inside. Every time Harry came anywhere near this apartment, something in his stomach turned. Every time he stepped through the door he felt her, and pain shattered through his heart again.
Vanessa put her hands on hips and eyed him suspiciously.
“You are going to London, Harry. How are you going to find her there?”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll figure it out. Are you going to give me that address or not?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but who the hell are you?” asked Vanessa, ignoring him, and looking at Caroline.
“She is my cousin, Caroline,” he barked.
“I told him that this is a bad idea, but he doesn’t want to listen,” said Caroline. Vanessa placed her hand on her hips and her expression softened.
“Sophia doesn’t want to be found, Harry. The sooner you understand this, the better. I know her and I know that there is something wrong. She is trying to keep you away for a reason!” continued Vanessa.
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