Drives a motorcycle
Helps with chores without being asked
Tidy/neat
Puts the needs of others before his own
Makes me his #1 priority
Loves children
Non-judgmental
Q: What type of activities would you like your companion to perform?
A:
Watch movies together
Go shopping with me
Help with chores
Cook a meal together
Listen supportively (agree with everything and restate it in slightly different words to show we’re on the same page)
Drive me places in a nice car
Bring me flowers and other gifts randomly
Take me on a motorcycle ride
Man the farmers’ market booth with me
Hold witty conversations with my family and friends
Travel to new and exciting places
Snuggle with me
Light romantic overtures (not past first base)
Always thinking about how to make me happy
Q: How would you like your companion to address you?
A: Ms. Hemmingway to start. With greater familiarity, I would prefer to be called Margot. If the relationship progresses, acceptable pet names include “beautiful” and “my queen” (on special occasions).
Crystal’s Journal, November 12, 1:30 Am
I just submitted an application to the Boople Smart Companion project on Mom’s behalf! With any luck, she’ll be selected, and they’ll build her a perfect robot boyfriend who falls in love with her at first sight and solves all her problems.
Technology is awesome.
I am a genius.
Crystal’s Journal, November 12, 2 AM
I am an idiot.
What if they pick her? What if she finds out that I’m the one who sent the application? What if she READS THE APPLICATION??
They can’t really make robots. I bet it’s just a glorified shopping assistant. Lisa used to have one of those, and every time we asked it for the weather report, it tried to order goat cheese.
They probably won’t pick her. I mean, worst case scenario: they send her some kind of creepy sex robot, and she finds out that it was my idea. Sure, we’d both be scarred for life, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
I am a terrible daughter.
I need to stop thinking about this.
Email, November 12
From: Seahorse Booksellers
To: Margot Hemmingway
Subject: Shipment confirmation for Order #0003489721
The following items have now been shipped:
Soulmates now! 10 Steps to Finding Your Twin Flame, by Zoey Chamberlain
50 over 50: Simple Ways to Go From Frumpy to Foxy, by Joanne Sullivan
The Single Lady’s Guide to Entrepreneurship, by Claire Reynolds
Sail Away: A Revolutionary Approach to Releasing Toxic Feelings, by Dane McMasters
Please click here to track your items.
The following items are still in process and will ship separately:
Steamed Buns: A Paradise Bakery Romance, by Athena Dale
Thank you for choosing Seahorse Booksellers, an independent bookseller.
Boople Chat, Nov 13 3:42 PM
Crystal
HALP
Lisa
??
Crystal
mom suddenly decided it’s time to tell the universe she wants a guy
Crystal
which means she wants to change everything RIGHT NOW
Crystal
yesterday she went through her closet and got rid of half her clothes
Crystal
and today we feng shui’d the entire apartment
Lisa
oh dear
Lisa
because of the party?
Crystal
seems like it
Lisa
did she at least get rid of those fuzzy jackets?
Crystal
nope those stayed
Crystal
she read an article online about how you should only wear clothes you love, because they make you feel confident and confidence is sexy
Lisa
let me guess
Lisa
this article was written by woman?
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
someone named joanne sullivan
Crystal
i guess she’s big with the boomer crowd
Crystal
how’s work?
Lisa
good
Lisa
the devs said we got over a dozen applications this week
Crystal
any good ones? :)
Lisa
i dunno, i don’t get to see any of that stuff
Lisa
did you apply?
Crystal
you’ll just have to wait and see :)
Lisa
thought you might like the stipend ;)
Crystal
hey i don’t even know if i’ll get accepted
Lisa
you probably have a good shot
Lisa
it might depend on what you asked for though, since they’re looking for certain kinds of testers
Crystal
ah ok
Lisa
mom sent me a picture of her new pants
Crystal
yeah we went shopping this morning
Crystal
she was determined to buy a pair of faux leather pants
Crystal
and then she broke down in tears because all of them seemed to make her thighs look big
Crystal
i tried to gently imply that stretchy, shiny pants aren’t the best for pear shapes but that seemed to make it worse
Crystal
and then she kept making comments about how she “just wanted something fun” and how she “needs to break out of her box” and wear more sexy clothes
Crystal
so in the end we chose the best ones we could find
Crystal
and i had to spend the entire ride home reassuring her that they were a good purchase
Lisa
was she doing that thing where she’s challenging you to disagree?
Lisa
and if you do, she’ll get really mad?
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
i don’t like lying about these things, but she didn’t give me much of a choice
Crystal
i tried to steer her towards a pair that were on sale at least
Crystal
since she’s still stressing about money
Lisa
aw
Lisa
well if it makes you feel any better
Lisa
she probably would’ve bought them with or without you
Lisa
so don’t feel too bad about it
Crystal
thanks
Crystal
she asks me for fashion advice, and i want to help
Crystal
but when it comes to things like this, she doesn’t want to listen
Crystal
i was still feeling guilty though so i offered to make her a website
Lisa
for the marshmallow business?
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
i was hoping it would cheer her up
Crystal
i just roughed something out using a template, but she was super excited
Crystal
i happened to get a nice picture of her before the zoo party thing, so i used that on the “about” page
Crystal
but she really needs to get some good pictures of her food, because it looks pretty amateurish with the farmers’ market sna
pshots
Lisa
well it’s a start at least
Lisa
glad she liked it
Crystal
yeah i managed to keep her from sending it out to her family for a week
Crystal
i’m going to take some more photos at the next farmers’ market
Crystal
won’t be professional but hopefully better than what’s there now
Lisa
:)
Crystal
gotta go, she wants to go shoe shopping
Crystal
for “sexy” shoes
Lisa
good luck
Crystal
thanks, i'll need it :/
Text Messages, November 14
Mom
Can you add smudge spray to the Amazon cart?
Crystal
I thought smudging was “clearing” a space with smoke from a burning herb thing…?
Mom
Yes, but that sets off the fire alarm, so that’s why they invented smudge spray. :)
Crystal
Does it have the same properties?
Mom
Spiritually, yes.
Crystal
The only one on Amazon is $45 for 4 ounces
Mom
Is it Heaven on Earth brand?
Crystal
yeah
Mom
That’s the one!
Crystal
ok, added
Mom
Thanks!
Email, November 15
From: Boople Smart Companions
To: Margot Hemmingway
Subject: Ready to meet your Smart Companion?
Hi Margot!
Congratulations on being approved for the Boople Smart Companion trial program. By now, you should have received several emails with the introductory materials and waivers. We think you’re going to love our Smart Companion as much as we do, and we have personalized meet-and-greet appointments available as soon as Friday, November 17.
Please complete the waivers by using the links below. After that, look out for our meet-and-greet RSVP.
Welcome to the future!
Boople Smart Companion Team
Crystal’s Journal, November 16
I did it. I’m officially signed up for a meet-and-greet with this “smart companion.” Technically, it’s in Mom’s name. I filled out the application for her, because I knew she’d never consider it herself. I hate the secrecy, but I really have her best interests in mind. She says that she wants a soulmate, but honestly, her expectations are way too high. So why not try out a guy who’s made-to-order?
I know that this is a bit of a risk. He could be completely robotic and obvious and terrible. Mom might not even like him in the first place. Or if she actually does start falling for him, what happens then? There isn’t exactly a romantic future. I mean, once they’re officially released he could probably be a platonic companion, but he’s not exactly the same as a warm-blooded man.
But honestly, I’m not sure that matters to Mom right now. She’s truly, desperately in need of a companion. Preferably one who isn’t her daughter.
Ok, I realize that this isn’t entirely selfless. I’ve had almost no time to myself when she’s awake, and all these late nights working on my novel might be impairing my judgement. But seriously, is it really that bad to ask for a few hours’ reprieve? I’m not looking for a babysitter, exactly, just someone to entertain her for awhile. If he can distract her for even an afternoon, this would all be worth it. Mom would never even have to know about the robot thing. Just have a nice date with a nice guy, right?
Except I’m not sure how this whole “date” thing is going to work. Boople told me to go to some dog park near the zoo. But we don’t have a dog, and it would seem weird for me to just randomly borrow one for a day, right? So I went online and luckily they’re having some volunteer tree planting event at the same park, and they needed some extra hands. Mom was a little surprised when I told her that I wanted to go, but I made some excuse about wanting to get out of the house and connect with the community, and she didn’t seem to suspect anything.
So tomorrow we’re getting up early (because apparently volunteers aren’t allowed to sleep in) and we’ll go down to the park to do the tree planting. The volunteer shift will wind down around the time of the Boople meet-and-greet, but they were pretty vague on the instructions. I’m not sure what to expect, but I’m hoping that it goes smoothly. Because there’s no way I’m calling to ask Lisa for help. I’m pretty sure it’s some violation of Boople rules to apply for a companion for someone else, and it’s probably not the kind of thing Lisa would support in the first place. I really didn’t intend to keep secrets from her, but she was the one who kept pressuring me to apply. And I honestly think Mom will be a much better test case, since she’s actually looking for a companion.
Here’s hoping this all goes smoothly.
Margot’s Journal, Friday, November 17
We had a nice outing today at the park. Crystal wanted to volunteer at a tree planting, and it was all very last-minute. It was unusual for her, but I wanted to support her interest in community service, so I switched my walk with Ingrid to clear the morning.
We had to get up quite early (6:30 a.m.), which is about an hour before I normally wake up, and almost the middle of the night for Crystal. She practically jumped out of bed this morning. I’m not sure why she was so excited about a tree planting, especially when she’s shown no interest in these types of events before. Maybe it has something to do with her novel?
The tree planting was inside a dog park in the Balboa Park area. It was a bit complicated to find the right place, but since it was so early, we didn’t run into much traffic and there was plenty of parking.
The tree planting was poorly organized, but we managed. There weren’t enough gloves to go around, which was a bit disappointing, because I had considered bringing my own. Crystal gave up on the digging when she started to get blisters about an hour in, so I ended up putting in most of the grunt work. I thought she’d be more excited about the trees, with the way she leapt out of bed, but she seemed distracted. She was talking about going for a walk later, and must’ve mentioned lunch every fifteen minutes.
Around the middle of our shift, Crystal wandered off to the snack station, and left me on my own to finish the third tree. Just as I was setting it in, a plastic ball came flying out of nowhere, and hit me squarely in the bottom. It stung a bit, and when I saw that it was a dog toy, I wasn’t surprised. We were in a dog park, after all. One of the dog owners must have had poor aim and hit me, even though we were in a special roped-off section. I picked up the ball to return it and saw a Pomeranian running towards me, trailing a leash behind it. The dog was yapping like crazy and ran in circles around me, binding my legs together.
I was starting to get quite frustrated with the dog at this point, as the owners should really keep a better eye on their pets. But just then, a very handsome man appeared, and he apologized profusely. There are a lot of good-looking men in San Diego, but this one was a real looker. He had blue eyes and dark hair, and almost reminded me a bit of Pierce Brosnan, with maybe a little Robert Redford mixed in. He looked to be about my age, too.
He seemed very nice and was quite polite as he was unwinding the leash – he had a gentle touch and freed me in no time. Then he was off again, chasing after that overexcited little dog.
He probably had a wife or a girlfriend to get back to. The good ones always seem to be taken, unfortunately. I know that the universe will bring me a man when the time is right, but it would’ve been nice if he’d at least asked my name. It’s hard to stay hopeful when all my online dates have been with average-looking men. I don’t think I have unreasonable expectations, but men seem very hung up on having lots of sex, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask to be physically attracted to them. I used to want th
ere to be a “spark,” but now I just want someone halfway decent. As long as they’re nice, of course. And know how to treat a lady.
Anyway, we finished planting our trees early, but Crystal felt obligated to work the full shift. So it was more work for me, and Crystal provided some light assistance while we planted another pair of trees. When our shift was over, we took a very slow walk through the park. (Crystal was really dragging her feet for some reason, and kept checking her phone.) The lunch options were fairly expensive nearby, so we drove to Native Foods instead.
Crystal seemed down, so we stopped for frozen yogurt on the way home, which cheered her up a bit. When we got home, I put her to work helping me with the website, since there were some things I needed her help with. Being busy is a great way to pull yourself out of a slump, and I think it did the trick for Crystal. I was exhausted from all that digging, but I had to make some phone calls and do some research on DJs for Mother’s HHHA fundraiser. After that, we ate dinner and watched a movie, so it was a full day.
It’s a good thing that I have more time to spend with Crystal right now. She seems more moody lately, and can get quiet and withdrawn. I think volunteering is probably good for her, but we might need to find some activities that are more suited to her skills. I think I saw something in my HHHA newsletter about someone who needed tech help volunteers…she’d probably enjoy that more. Or maybe the cat shelter; she’s always talking about how she wants to adopt one.
The farmers’ market is coming up on Sunday, and Crystal and I will be manning the stand again. We have some prep work to do tomorrow. I still have some marshmallows packaged and ready to go, but we need to make some updates to our décor and print out the flyers. It feels like I spend hours on the business every day, but there’s always so much left to do. I hired a company to design my business cards, and they have some nice mockups so far. It would’ve been nice to have the cards for tomorrow, but these things take time, and I want to get the logo right. Eventually, I’ll use it on the marshmallow labels and on a pretty banner for our booth as well. So we need something high-res, not some bitty clip art.
All of this costs money, and it’s hard watching it fly out the window so quickly. I keep reminding myself that this is an investment – not just in the business, but in myself. I don’t want to limit myself by thinking too small. I’m working to manifest a successful business – the kind of company whose artisan goods you can find in Whole Foods. It’s only a matter of time, really. I just have to roll up my sleeves and put in a little elbow grease. The universe will provide.
Mom's Perfect Boyfriend Page 10