Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk

  Hands of operative me encased latex, burdened anchor weight stolen pens, postage stamps. In secret, this agent say within head, debate will police arrest for sodomy clear-yellow bully. Abort deadly science fair project. Foil Operation Havoc.

  Punish for sodomy by place operative me imprisoned full lifetime accompanied numerous sodomites. Such the absurdity American legal justice.

  Awaiting nearby, enticing radioactive isotope polonium-210, iridium-192, cesium-137. So almost attainable, poisoned treasure of exquisite thallium. So close within reach fragrant bosom cat sister, lavish enriched thorium. Combination all glorious victory.

  Quote, “The need to shit after eating does not mean that eating is a waste of time.”

  Only already now, prominent buttock cat sister in retreat. Regressing away, say, “I can’t tell folks how to act in your town, but here…” Say, “Brothers and sisters just do not get busy with each other.” Trouser fabric stretched so conceal succulent host sister buttock, making rapid stealth parade toward direction sign of exit.

  Dispatch

  Twenty-first

  Begins here twenty-first account of operative me, agent number 67, on revisit religion propaganda distribution outlet of city . Exterior worship shrine menaced simmering horde media jackal for printed journal . In attendance, multiple parasite representing crowded whorehouse of cable distributed television outlet . Additional under siege by loitering vultures radio network .

  For official record, today occasion purposed discarding mortal remains Trevor Stonefield. Ritual display of Trevor corpse prior feed for nourishment arthropods, bacterium, and microbe.

  Combining melee media jackals, roadway occupied busy cavalcade citizens, pacing blockage entrance of shrine. Raising forest of cardboards mounted wooden post for handle, cardboard printed English letter words, KILLERS DON’T DESERVE SALVATION. Other signage written, No TEARS FOR TREVOR. Righteous chaos wagging cardboard, chanting, repeat chant, “Trevor Stonefield burns in hell…” Citizen mothers, citizen fathers, and offspring, making small parade describing continuous ellipse before shrine, chanting, “Trevor Stonefield burns in hell…”

  Styled female hyena painted claw clutch microphone emblazed large Arabic numeral four, hyena make stance at immediate focus camera lens. Appareled uniform business suit, face painted so erase all defect, female hyena cast gaze within camera, say, “Even today as grieving, angry families protest outside the funeral of the troubled young man, the county medical examiner continues to investigate recent autopsy findings…” Say, “Forensic evidence which proves the school shooter, himself, was the victim of a recent violent sexual assault.”

  Female hyena cease issue proclamation, fashions mouth to make smile, say, “Did my hair look okay?” Hand hook flat item out own trouser, manipulate so item cleaves to produce small mirror. Eyeing own visage, media hyena say, “Does my eye shadow look balanced?”

  Frenzied journalist attracted stench of human tragedy. Horde scavenger feast at overflowing anus of world history.

  Skirting perimeter carnival, disorder jumble negative emotion, stealth limbs operative me gain access worship shrine. Enter perpetual twilight common all worship shrine. Dim interior, absent burning cylinder paraffin, absent fragrant garish display genitals of plant life. Minus congregants. No corroded mummy Mrs. Lilly. Merely casket cleaved so display cadaver buoyed aloft upholstery blue fabric silk, below plaster feet fake dead man bleeding red paint. Corpse eye cover skins healed shut. Trevor Stonefield. Reclined appareled blouse appropriate normal worship occasion, neck bound silk knotted banner. Curtain clear-yellow hair frame Trevor face atop head cushion. Grid bruised of tile grout, faint red lines behind corpse face powder.

  Stance positioned behind casket, male issue endless stream English word. Devil Tony. Babble litany gibberish eternal life everlasting … innocent … no blame…

  Seated most-forward bench of audience, male and female. Parentage Trevor Stonefield. Appareled entirely black color. Respective faces leaking mucus into disposable paper tissues. Female face shrouded underneath black color fishnetting suspended from same-color head cover.

  Infiltrating from roadway, chant voices. Shout repeating, “Trevor Stonefield burns in hell… Trevor Stonefield burns in hell…”

  Within shrine, timid voice devil Tony, hoarse resulting damaged during attack operative Magda. Submucosal throat hemorrhage. Overwhelmed raucous noise chanting rabble. Droning devil Tony continue denouncing clear-yellow bully as deranged, insane lunatic. Deriding Trevor as occupied by demon from Western-concept Satan. Spinning excuse for hope deity accept and tolerate pathos dead adolescent.

  In secret, voice of operative me say within head, quote benevolent emperor, jovial helmsman Benito Mussolini, say, “The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.”

  Every men must earn future torture, cruel extinction allotted of the deity. Even during man stance upon knee, jabber prayer into folded hand, behave having most benevolent kindness, even during such good acts—the deity already seed cancer into prostate, already dispatch lunatic so murder offspring of man most beloved. The deity craves sin of man as justify monstrous pain of fate the deity enjoys inflict.

  Guilt of man assuages guilt of the deity. Human cruelty enable greater cruel practice of the deity.

  At siege exterior shrine, chanting anger, “… Trevor Stonefield burns in hell…”

  Contained interior, crushing shame clear-yellow bully parentage. Devil Tony beseeching mercy for Western God accept damaged, imperfect mortal residue.

  Feet of operative me take stance at rear of worship shrine, balanced point between anger and shame. Secret recite within skull this agent, no voice say,… actinium, aluminum, americium…

  In actual, the deity probable much welcome spirit slain bully. The deity prefer citizen execute mistake. So gain educated as benefit incorrect actions. Best evidence rich living experience, most full fulfill attempt potential lingering sense regret. Regret top reward. Regret most-sweet accomplishment—best prove citizen utilize opportunity, attempt forever growth and continuous develop.

  Folded, concealed within trouser of operative me, bundle paper American currency stained fecal, blood of Trevor. Smudged seed of this agent. Dwindling monetary unit remain beyond forced violent sodomy. Hand of this agent extract soiled currency, conceal wrapped within fist.

  Next now, voice droning devil Tony, jabber halt. Shrine filled waiting, shadowed faint din, “… burns in hell…” Face devil Tony tilt back so cast eye on this agent.

  Quote, “The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.”

  Eye of devil Tony await, prompt parentage Stonefield revolve heads for witness this agent. Faces male and female parentage, crushed with fissures, crumpled canyons flesh channel water bleeding out eyes, face skin purple-red with blood glow.

  Filth dollars tight inside fist of operative me. Retaining stance made rear of shrine.

  Male parentage lift self, knees made straight until attain standing posture. Eyes remain cast upon this agent, male parentage face luminous layered water, male lift own hand, scoop air so suggest agent advance. Approach casket, deceased cadaver, devil Tony.

  Trevor nose formerly folded sideways, restored so straight forward. Electric-bolt-blue-color eye, forever asleep. Curtain yellow hair furrowed with many combing. Hairs pruned for to meet top deity.

  Thinking machine operative me ponder. Gray meatloaf ensconced skull of this agent weigh ethics, obligation for make confess. Possible resolve much emotion, confusion, mental turmoil suffering Stonefield parentage. Possible explain savage anal assault astride men spa. Confession affection expressed Trevor bully, attributed Stockholm syndrome. Explain every factors causative infamous outburst upon Model United Nation.

  Next then, possible to forfeit this agent affection esteemed cat sister.

  Possible scuttle noble mission Operation Havoc.

  Squander adoration Team Family Cedar.

  Negate admiration all fellow citizen immediate communi
ty.

  Recite secret within skull of operative me, say no voice, … antimony, argon, arsenic…

  Next now, feet of operative me take initial stride forward, direction mourning and death.

  Dispatch

  Twenty-second

  Begins here twenty-second account of operative me, agent number 67, recall most bad event occurring formative year . Occurrence familial tragedy related terrorist assassination dated . Massacre innocent citizens municipal area .

  For official record, repeat recounting here early childhood history. For reinforce early important training of this agent. Bottom worst trauma shaping life of operative me.

  Depicted here scene conducting first-round academic testing to determine profession track each young citizen. All student present dated four years beyond birth. Seated infinite row metal desk, sequestered interior Ministry of Future Building subsequent departing company of parentage at entry portal. Male and female parentage this agent last witnessed remaining below foot steep slope entrance step. Making ascent series tall step, each step more height than knee joint this agent, each leg of operative me required raise almost so knee impact chest so gain conquest level next step. Horde entire generation such children scaling slope, struggle accomplish each step, until eventual revolve heads so discover all parentage reduce to rabble, no face distinct.

  Next then, ushered all child navigating passageways more deep within building, directed always turn right, turn left, wait. Directed no speaking. No remove overcoats.

  In secret this agent reciting, no voice within skull say, Nobelium, osmium, oxygen…

  Echoing footsteps children arrive cavern no windows, lined rows of desk infinite as wave after wave between ocean beach and horizon. Vast interior acreage such countless metal desk. Instructed each young assume seated. No speak. Instructed await additional orders.

  Desk of operative me, surface defaced, gouged former occupant, Arabic numbers years receding before parentage this agent. Gouged so record years prior glorious, revered ancestors. So prevalent vandalism, document tedium of past children awaiting test. Frustrate from idle. Anxious of dread future career today will determine—physician versus excavator of corpse hole. Benighted civil engineer versus lowly scrubber of floor.

  Carved scarred into surface desk, scratched deep, words quote learned minister, noble general Adolf Hitler, writing say, “The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.”

  Additional probable state in secret observe during children await test. Probable numerous concealed camera. Listing note whether child obey orders, seated patient demonstrating no anxious. Fold hands, eye directed ahead. Or other: whether make child trouble, fidget, suited only career butchering offal.

  Beyond many long now, slow now, lingering now, squad many monitor make entrance. Make long parade along every row desk, distribute paper test, many sheet. Apportion each child single pointed pencil. Monitors instruct: as child complete test, to rise. Exit vast hall through door entered. Relinquish complete test to exit monitor.

  Career test request such typical information: define De Moivre’s Theorem. Apply equation of angular momentum. Calculate area utilizing polyhedron formula. Demonstrate Avrami equation. Biot-Fourier equation. Rotational kinetic energy equation. List atomic weight manganese. Latitude longitude city Reykjavik. Nothing asked beyond intellect of most idiot child. Simple task. Require no effort. Limited solely facile knowledge.

  Translate Celsius into Fahrenheit. Translate foot-pounds into Newton meters.

  Utilize Feuerbach’s Theorem. Sylow’s Theorem.

  Questions no justify such concern. Date signed Treaty of Ghent. Distance between Earth and moon, Earth and Mars, Mars and Jupiter.

  Thinking machine of operative me make hasty completed of test, write accurate response all question. Make stance, and deliver test to monitor. Next now, directed follow new monitor along passageway. Almost all majority fellow children remain seated, scratching own heads, biting own teeth marks deep into wood pencil shaft, head tilted low above own paper. Other children, skulls nested atop desk of folded arms, asleep.

  Joyous, this agent make rapid parade so reunion parentage, announce how simple test, announce answer every correct so probable become physician, engineer, prominent chemist. Future such prestige, able provide parentage secure role status. Perhaps allotted own private toilet. Perhaps rationed private automobile. So joyous, this agent no noted course directed so arrive new, more-small chamber. Repeat instructed assume seat, this desk among merely handful fellow children. Later discover children names Magda, Oleg, Ling, Tibor. All among room born since four year ago, Mang, Pavel, Boban, Sheena, and Bokara. Present Vaky, Metro, Sasha, Chernok, Tanek, Vigor, all future peer of operative me.

  For official record, all youth no speak, maintain seated, hand folded, head erect.

  Later discover, all present children score perfect in career test.

  Door of room remaining healed in wall.

  In secret reciting this agent, tiny prayer, within head say no voice, Samarium, scandium, selenium… So eager repeat witness plentitude laundry, blouse, trouser, tunic perform dance upon invisible wind music. Observe strut numerous pigeon.

  However, next then door no healed, swing so display state officer uniformed executive guard, heart of tunic plated thick layer many gold medals, many ribbons red color. Belted with sidearm Beretta nine-millimeter, semiautomatic pistol. Penetrate room shod two boot black polish leather. Advance boot until attain stance before present young.

  Executive guard remove uniform head cover, wedge between own elbow and torso, at parade rest cast eyes so contacted each child present, guard say, “Congratulations.” Guard delve own hand deep within uniform trouser so extract square folded paper. Make no folded. White paper printed words. Guard position paper so obscure own eyes, next then begin read, say, ‘“Proved here the top promising citizens from next glorious generation our state.’”

  Executive guard acclaim how majority fellow students continue struggle completing test. As such, offer limited talents for the future state. At top best, perhaps to become mere nuclear physicist or aerospace engineer.

  ‘“However,’” say executive guard, continue read out paper, ‘“among children of this room, will control of future entire state become deeded. Granted those present full authority pinnacle positions state and party’”

  Next then express great sorrow for to deliver additional dour message. Reminds executive guard, enormous fact how American nation constant first enemy our peaceful gracious civilization. Corrupt, degenerate America. Guard reiterates statistics recent past history United State terrorist attacks targeting our innocent citizens. Cites frequent recent American suicide bombers. Corrosive Hollywood movie.

  “‘As our top potential leaders,’” read, say executive guard off paper, ‘“you must open your skull to the esteemed wisdom offered Lenin, Mao, Peron.’” Guard voice gaining more loud, say, ‘“Must you hollow your skull for welcome the revered guidance by Hitler, Stalin, and Trotsky’”

  From morning of today, all present become adopted offspring of the state. Government will raise for glorious adulthood.

  “Beyond today,” say executive guard, “you will never again be alone in your mind.”

  All future thoughts, so become mere echoes state teaching. Enlightened ideological education.

  During morning of today, guard read aloud out paper, suffered center of capital city most massive attack American terrorist to date. Simultaneous time of career testing, enemy agents sourced the United States detonated dirty nuclear device, murdering countless, contaminating wide sector. Parentage of all present reported casualty. Slaughtered at whim American demons. Most beloved familial relations butchered screaming by United States covert military actions.

  Executive guard lower paper printed words, resume folded, secrete deep within trouser pocket. Guard say, “By no mourning—only diligent study—requested children of the state best honor martyred ancestors.” Say, “In repeat, congratulations on su
ch successful testing.”

  Quote, “The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.”

  Recalling this agent how recently rejected lips of female parentage, fearing ridicule from peer. How instead merely grasp hand.

  Executive guard replace uniform head cover upon skull, say, “Of top important, must state now plot revenge upon American devils.” Say, “Follow me.” Guard pivot so exit room, leading Tibor, Chernok, Vaky, Magda … all operative taking first strides into next future family. Follow exact stride of executive guard, forward march standard 22.5 inch, every eight stride traveling five yard more deep into new mission deadly vengeance.

  Dispatch

  Twenty-third

  Begins here twenty-third account of operative me, agent number 67, attending compulsory education session public institution . Class period . Physical education conducted instructor Coach . For official record, American education rituals especial efficient at task segregation youth of superior intellect removed from youth gifted superior physical prowess. Best example, ritual label as “dodgeball.” Therein all peer males engage mock battle under witness fertile peer females.

  Commencement of ritual, physical superior males select best combatants for accompany into battle, thus ranking all from most-best to least desirable for reproduction during females note close attention. Next then, divided males engage violent assault upon each opposite army, battering with inflated bladders latex rubber.

  Over course conflict, males boasting superior musculature inflict injure upon males typical of superior intellect although suffering inferior height-to-weight ratio, body mass index, and stature.

  At completion dodgeball ritual, females made full aware which males present most-desirable physical traits. Vanquished males culled by injury, weak reproductive citizens force self-select, redirect, instead impregnate mates, procreate offspring, instead channel aggressions chess club, focus sexual ambitions science club. Debate or forensics. Model rocket association. Granted no access sexual reproduction, thereby liberate superior intellect for indulge in further education. During same, superior physical genetics routed so impregnate superior physical females.