Somewhere Unexpected

by Suzanne Glidewell

“Third base,” I managed to spit out. “I, you know…” I dropped my voice low, looking to Sydney to fill in the blank. She continued to look at me blankly. I sighed and whispered, “Completed.”

  “You mean you came? Jesus, Maura, just say it then.” She had little patience. “So, he fingered you,” she finally concluded, a little too brashly, and loudly, for my liking. “Or was it just dry humping?”

  I scoffed at her casual tone.

  “What? That’s what people say. No one says ‘outercourse.’ Wait, oral sex could be considered third base too,” she added. “Did–”

  “No!” I exclaimed before she could ask the question.

  “Okay, okay,” she held up her hands, signaling for me to calm down.

  There was a pause.

  “So, you’re worried about the whole volunteer relationship policy,” she assumed. “I won’t tell anybody. And I seriously don’t think Ann is going to care if you guys disclose your relationship before he officially comes back on as a volunteer.”

  “We’re not in a relationship.” I was short with her, but I didn’t really have a right to be frustrated with her for not understanding, especially when I hadn’t given her that much information.

  “Then what’s the problem?” She stared at me. I started to wonder if I really was making a big deal out of nothing. The guilt in the pit of my stomach told me otherwise.

  “He sort of told me he was interested in me and I told him that he wasn’t capable of ever having a serious relationship…and that I would never date anyone like him,” I finally admitted quietly, staring at my desk.

  Saying it aloud made it sound as cold as I had suspected it was.

  “Oh,” Sydney reflected. “Well, then there’s that.”

  We stood in silence for a moment.

  She sighed. “We’re going to need a new fucking mechanic, aren’t we?”

  I didn’t look at her, knowing she was just as irritated with me as I was with myself.

  “Shit, Maura, what were you thinking?”

  “I don’t know,” I raised my voice. “Obviously I wasn’t.”

  “You couldn’t have let him down gently?”

  “I was in shock. I didn’t think he would ever be interested in me.”

  “Oh, bullshit,” she called me out. “Have you never seen the way he looks at you? The way he would always hang around on Wednesday nights just to say goodbye to you? It doesn’t take anyone twenty minutes to lock a garage door. Seriously, the grab ass between you two was audible.”

  “I never noticed,” I partially lied.

  She threw me a doubtful look.

  “Look, I feel bad enough. I don’t know why I let it get that far with him. Apparently, there’s something wrong with me and this whole stupid break up with Ethan has left me desperate,” I presented the rationalization I had been forcing on myself as an explanation.

  “Oh yes, because only the desperate result to sexual behavior,” she said sarcastically. “My condolences, Maura, but you appear to have a libido, just like the rest of us mere mortals.”

  “That is not why it happened,” I argued, hating to think the whole thing could be explained by something so primitive.

  “Then why did it happen?”

  “I don’t know, he kissed me, and…” I froze, still not knowing what my intentions had been on Saturday. “I don’t know, it just happened.”

  “So, you’re expecting me to believe that you, Maura McCormick, went home with someone with the expectation of having a casual hookup in order to get over Ethan?”

  “No...yes.” I let out a sigh as she continued to look at me expectantly. “When it was happening I just assumed he wasn’t going to take it seriously. I didn’t know he was going to wake up and want to date me.”

  “Maura, you really think that after twenty-six years of being a prude, you’re really the type to seek out a hand job for the purposes of rebounding?” she asked with disbelief.

  “Just for one night,” I clarified. “I know, I’m a horrible person. And now I probably wrecked this whole voc-ed program,” I finally verbalized my guilt.

  I expected her to agree that I was terrible person, but she didn’t.

  I looked up at her. “What?”

  “I’m calling bullshit on this whole newfound whoredom routine,” she said matter-of-factly, returning to her usual state of calmness and sitting down at her desk.

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I’m not buying it,” she affirmed. I took a break from my self-inflicted guilt trip to be utterly confused by her reaction. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still upset that we might have to find a new mechanic, but I don’t think it’s because you got horny. I think it’s because you’re self-sabotaging.”

  “I’m not sabotaging anything. Everybody makes mistakes.”

  “Hmm, yeah, I don’t think you made a mistake and I think you know it wasn’t a mistake, regardless of how much you want it to be a mistake,” she said. “You’re obviously attracted to Thomas and you had it all worked out in your head that he wasn’t the right guy for you because he doesn’t fit whatever expectation you’ve built up over all these years. And when you gave into that attraction – which by the way, is completely natural and God-given, so let’s get over that shame, but anyway – afterwards I’m willing to bet you were disappointed in the fact that one: you enjoyed it as much as you did, and two: he didn’t end up being the dick you thought he’d be, which is what you were really hoping for, because it would have allowed you to get over the attraction in the first place.

  “So of course you have to go and convince yourself of all the reasons why you can’t date him, the biggest one probably being that he’s not like any other guy you’ve ever been with. Who all, by the way, found something wrong with you, regardless of how perfect you tried to be, so I can’t fathom why you’d want to keep jumping down that rabbit hole.” She paused. “But just because he’s not what you expected, that doesn’t make him un-dateable, it just makes you scared.” She stopped again. “And hence, the sabotage,” she finished her point with a wave of her hand.

  “Oh, that’s great,” I said sarcastically with my arms crossed. “Thanks for your analysis that no one asked for.”

  “You’re welcome,” she responded smartly.

  I decided in that moment to take my lunch break, off site, away from her.

  “You’re only mad because you know I’m right.”

  Pretending to ignore her, I grabbed my keys and moved to the door.

  “Maura,” she stopped me with a softer tone. I expected her to apologize. “Imagine what it would be like to date somebody who didn’t make piety a requirement for loving you. It’d be less stressful and, dare I say, a little bit more in line with what you believe.”

  I left without saying anything, knowing I had nothing to counter her argument.

  THOMAS

  “Thomas, my man, what was up with you today?” Father Sean asked light-heartedly as he approached the bench. He was referring to the three absent-minded errors I’d made which ultimately cost us the game. Combined with four strikeouts, it was the worst game of baseball I had ever played. I didn’t look at him and shrugged while I finished changing out of my cleats.

  “I don’t know. Guess it’s just not my day.”

  I tossed my glove into my gym bag along with the cleats. Since leaving Maura’s apartment on Sunday, I had been unable to focus on any task I’d attempted. Father Sean let out a laugh of disbelief as he replaced his cleats with tennis shoes.

  “BS,” he called me out. “You want me to believe you played that crappy just ‘cause? Nah, clearly, there’s something else on your mind.”

  I sat in silence, hesitant to confirm his suspicions.

  “Care to enlighten me, Thomas?” he said in a priestly tone.

  I gave him a scornful look.

  �
��Don’t get mad at me because you let whatever’s bothering you affect my baseball game. Go on without us,” he called to the other players waiting on the field. They started walking out of the park. “You didn’t want to get beer with them, did you?” he confirmed after the fact.

  “No,” I said.

  “So, you were saying,” he prompted.

  “I wasn’t saying anything.” I stood up.

  “You sure? I felt like you were about to tell me everything that was bothering you, so I could forgive you for those six errors you made.”

  “It was three. And are you going to take any responsibility for missing the cut-off man in the third?” I challenged. “Anyway, this is a beer league; you shouldn’t be keeping track of errors.”

  He continued to sit, waiting patiently.

  “Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I asked curtly.

  “Well, I was going to go get a beer, but I decided to check and see if my friend Thomas was okay because he seemed out of sorts. I know, I’m such an asshole,” he responded flatly.

  “You are literally the last person in the world I want to talk to about this.”

  “Those are usually the circumstances when talking to a priest comes in handy. Then again, I could be a little biased.”

  I stared at him, unamused.

  “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a little blond spitfire we both happen to know, would it?”

  I sighed and retook my seat. “How’d you know?” There was no point in lying once he had guessed it was about her.

  “I saw her Tuesday.”

  “What’d she say?” I had called Maura three times and texted twice since Sunday and received no answer. I wanted whatever information I could get.

  “Well, besides not looking at me when the topic of you came up, she somehow got the impression you might not be returning as a volunteer in the fall? Of course, she wouldn’t say why. Also, she requested to not be involved with the program anymore.”

  I stared down at my hands, disappointed his account confirmed that Maura wanted nothing to do with me.

  “Now,” Father Sean continued, “a protective ex-boyfriend’s imagination tends to run a little wild when he’s left to his own devices to piece together–”

  “I didn’t sleep with her,” I interrupted before he could finish the implication. I made sure to look him in eye. He paused, evaluating whether he believed me.

  “I never said I wasn’t going to come back in the fall either. Unless that’s what she wants.” He sat there silently, waiting for me to reveal more.

  “I told you this would be a train wreck. I warned you two months ago when you brought it up. I warned you,” I said again.

  “So, what happened?”

  “I met up with her at Sydney’s birthday party last Saturday, and she drank too much so I drove her home. When I dropped her off at her place, she decided she wanted to go out around the corner, so we did, but I didn’t let her drink anything else. Eventually she sobered up and I went back to her apartment because she…” I paused, knowing how ridiculous it was going to sound, “…really wanted to beat me at Uno.”

  “Sounds about right,” Father Sean laughed. “It is one of her favorite games.”

  “Anyway, I kissed her. And she kissed me back. I thought she was going to tell me to stop. I even broke away a couple times to ask what we were doing, how far it was going to go, but she just kept going.” I stopped and tried to read the expression on his face. I couldn’t decipher anything. He didn’t look pissed, like I would have expected him to. “Neither of us got naked or anything. I kept it from going all the way, but…”

  “Gratification took place,” he filled in, saving me from having to go into too much detail.

  “Just on her end,” I clarified. “It was weird; I’ve never been in a situation like that before where it wasn’t about what I could get out of it. Honestly, I just wanted to make her happy.” I paused. “And then when we woke up in the morning, she told me I took advantage of her and made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me from now on.”

  His only reaction was a nod. A silence passed.

  “So, what are you going to do now?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “What’s your plan? What’s your next move?” Father Sean asked expectantly.

  “I’m sorry, did you not hear me? She wants nothing to do with me. She told me point blank that she doesn’t date guys like me.”

  “No, she doesn’t date guys like you were before. But now you’re different.”

  “Excuse me? How am I different?” I found his optimistic tone naive.

  “Well, you’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

  Even though it was true, I was surprised he’d jumped to that conclusion. “You know, I’ve never really done the whole love thing, so I wouldn’t know.” I wasn’t ready to admit it out loud, especially since it was unlikely that Maura would ever reciprocate the feeling.

  “Then what’s the big deal? Why get upset if it’s nothing?” he challenged with a shrug.

  I sighed, not particularly enjoying this newfound intimacy. I would much rather stick to talking baseball with Father Sean than talking about my feelings.

  “I don’t know. Because I fucked up. I read the signals wrong and now she’s done with me.”

  “So? Just another girl in the books, right?”

  “She’s not just another girl. She’s...you know…she’s Maura.”

  “And…” he led expectantly.

  “And I care about her,” I confessed, annoyed that he’d gotten it out of me.

  “Okay, I guess we can settle for the word ‘care’ if you’re too chicken to say ‘love,’” he hassled. “If you care about her, don’t you kind of have to go after her?”

  “Go after her? What do you think this is? A movie?” I laughed off his suggestion.

  “Well, at the very least you have to tell her.”

  “I did tell her. She pretty much laughed me out of her apartment.”

  “Really? You told her you loved her? Excuse me, I mean, you told her you cared about her?” he corrected himself.

  “No... but I told her I was interested in her,” I clarified

  “Oh, well, in that case, that’s even more romantic,” he said sarcastically.

  “I’ve tried getting a hold of her multiple times. She won’t return my calls or my texts. She’s done with me,” I reiterated.

  “Oh, that’s right, you like to take the easy way out.”

  I frowned at him, irritated.

  “Look, let me tell you something about Maura: she’s great at handling unexpected situations at work, but she’s not so great at handling them in her own life. It probably comes with being Catholic; you know how we like our structure,” he joked. “She’s had a picture in her mind of exactly the type of guy she’s going to end up with since God knows when, and let’s face it: you, my friend, are definitely not it.”

  “Is this supposed to be a pep talk?”

  “What I’m saying is, I know her pretty well and I’ve seen you guys together; I know there’s something there. She probably does too. She just doesn’t want to recognize it because, somewhere along the line she got the idea that the only acceptable guy to date was an orthodox one who cares more about going to vespers and praying the rosary than being with her.”

  “Aren’t you supposed to love God more than anybody else?” I asked dryly.

  “Exactly,” he agreed. “And they’re all idiots for not realizing that one afternoon with her would leave them believing in God more than any rosary ever could…but you already knew that.” He took a deep breath and then patted me on the back as he stood up. “If you really want to be with her, then you have to take a shot and tell her how you feel. Otherwise you’re just a coward coasting through life, right?”

  “Oh, than
ks for that.”

  “Flattery does not create an honorable man,” he said with conviction, hoisting his gym bag over his shoulder.

  “Wow, is that written on the wall in the bathroom of the priory or something?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” he retorted over his shoulder as he started to walk away.

  “Wait,” I stopped him. “You’re not going to say anything about the premarital foreplay I had with your ex-girlfriend?” I was surprised he hadn’t admonished me.

  “Oh, we’re going to cover that when you come to reconciliation on Saturday,” he said with a cocky smile, turning away again.

  “And what makes you think I’m going to go to confession when I haven’t been in over eighteen years?”

  “Because you’re going to realize that it’s only going to help your chances with Maura,” he called over as he got further away. “You need all the grace you can get.”

  His confident tone annoyed me, but I knew he was right.

  “Any other advice you want to offer, oh Celibate One?” I called after him, and he turned back.

  “Yeah,” he said with a grin. “When she finally lets you take her out on a date, don’t take her bowling; she hates it.” He pointed at me. “Saturday, three o’clock, Blessed Sacrament. I can fit you in before all the holy rollers show up at four.”

  “An hour?” I clarified with disbelief.

  “You said it’s been eighteen years; I imagine there’s a lot to cover.” He turned around and walked away before I could make an excuse.

  I couldn’t believe that I had come to a point in my life where I was getting relationship advice from a priest – and actually taking it seriously.

  ***

  I couldn’t think about anything but Maura for the rest of the week. Had I always thought about her this much? I didn’t eat anything substantial all week, and I felt the sting of rejection all over again when I tried to call her and got sent straight to voicemail – twice. By Friday, I determined that being in love was not as great as everyone claimed it was. The solution was to get over her.

  After we closed the shop for the night, I continued to work, seeking solace in the fact that two cars had been brought in at the last minute. It was eerily quiet in the shop when I started looking over a Lexus to diagnose it. I was okay with the silence; I hoped it would help me focus on the car. But thoughts of Maura quickly surfaced to the forefront of my mind.