My Dusk My Dawn

by Henrietta Georgia

  I rolled my eyes in response. “You can’t begin to presume you know what I want, David,” I protested.

  “I’m sure I wasn’t wrong,” he replied, with a wink. He wasn’t wrong. He knew me so well it was scary. The waiter smiled in response to our little tiff and breezed off.

  “Too confident for your own good,” Shania interjected. “Man about town,” she added.

  David clenched his jaw in annoyance. “Yeah whatever,” he retorted. I could see she was starting to annoy him quite a bit. Turning to me again, he asked, “Are you going to forgive me? Or am I in the doghouse for now?”

  While I couldn’t get over what he had done, on some level I felt reassured that he had been there, watching, surveilling. Had he not been watching, the situation with Duayne may well have ended up differently.

  “I suppose I ought to be thanking you for doing what you did as it saved me. Things didn’t turn out exactly as you’d hoped though,” I stated.

  “No, they didn’t,” he replied. “Early days yet,” he stated. “There’s still a chance.”

  Shania’s phone rang and she stood up and walked away to take the call.

  With Shania gone, David used the chance to chat me up.

  “So, now I’m forgiven, Temwani, I’ve got something to give you,” he said deeply. He handed me a gift wrapped in pink paper and fushia pink ribbons.

  “What’s this?” I asked.

  “Open it,” he insisted.

  I unwrapped the paper. A bottle of perfume. Laura Biogotti, Venetia. “Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed. “Where did you manage to find this?”

  “I have my sources,” he said, looking very pleased with himself. “Better not let your old man know who you got it from though,” he joked. On a more serious note he stated, “I can’t even look him in the eye anymore. I’m afraid that if I do, he’ll see all the love I still have inside of me, for you.”

  “Oh, he sees it alright. What he doesn’t see he feels,” I told him, sighing in response. David’s continued declarations of love were wearing me down slowly. I needed to watch my step with him. Too close, and I felt I might slip up and into his arms.

  “Am I truly forgiven?” he asked, interrupting me in thought.

  “Forgiven for what?” I replied. “It’s already forgotten.”

  A sign of relief swept across his face. Though I forgave him, all was not already forgotten, but I let him believe so. I quickly slipped the gift into my handbag as Shania made her way back to us. Before she sat down, David caught my eyes, winked again and smiled. I felt my heart flutter, and wished he didn’t have it in him to make my heart and my entire being, melt.

  Daniel greeted me warmly when I got home, which I found suspect considering the text exchange we’d had earlier.

  “You smell different,” he noted. “I love that fragrance on you. What is it?” he asked.

  “It’s something I used to wear many years ago. Venetia, by Laura Biogotti. It went out of production, but I managed to get me one today.”

  “Oh. From where?” he asked suspiciously.

  I averted my eyes from him, knowing he wouldn’t like the answer. “David managed to get it for me, as a gift.”

  He kissed his teeth in response, changing from being warm and kind to cold and furious. “Do I need to lay down the law here when it comes to him?” he asked, angrily.

  “Don’t be ridiculous Daniel,” I replied.

  “Oh, so I’m being ridiculous now, am I?”

  “I didn’t say you were ridiculous, I meant that you coming up with rules to govern my interaction with him would be ridiculous.”

  “Do you want him? Do you want to be with him?” he questioned.

  “No Daniel, I want to be with you,” I said firmly, but couldn’t deny the chemistry I felt when I was with David.

  “Okay, you want to be with me, you’re going to have to quit hanging with him,” he ordered.

  “Daniel, he’s your brother. Of course he’s going to be hanging out with us,” I replied.

  “Hanging out with you, I said,” Daniel clarified. “I don’t want to see or even hear that you’ve been socialising with him on your own. You wanna hang with him, guess what, I’m hanging with you too,” he said point blankly. “I expressly forbid you from being with him anywhere, anytime, anyhow and whatever which way, alone.”

  I could feel anger surging in me. “I don’t like the things you’re saying and I don’t like the way you’re treating me right now. You don’t own me.”

  “Sugarpie, the fact is you’re mine and I’ve got every right to insist on you behaving a certain way. I’ve got every right to insist on you not doing things to jeopardise our relationship,” he stated.

  “The only one jeopardising our relationship right now is you, with your insecurity and your need for control,” I replied. “He’s your brother for goodness sakes…”

  “He’s also a man in love with you, who won’t stop at anything to get you,” he speculated. “And no, I’m not insecure,” he added. “What you’re doing to me would be enough to drive any man in love around the bend.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I conjectured. “What I’m doing to you?” I asked, getting heated. The twins kicked wildly in my belly. “This is all you,” I said. “Is this how it’s going to be from now on? You trying to control me, you trying to dictate how I should live my life? You can’t keep me sheltered Daniel. I’m yours to behold, I’m not yours to own.”

  “Settle down, babe,” he urged. “Let’s not argue.”

  “Let’s not argue? You expect me to take what you’re giving and just accept this as is?”

  “I expect you to take me for what I am,” he stated. “There’s no denying I’m a jealous guy, who wants you for myself.”

  I rolled my eyes in response. “So you are insecure. Daniel, this is stifling. I can hardly breathe when you behave like this…”

  “I know how to make you breathless,” he stated, approaching me, intent in his eyes.

  I resolved to decline his advances and cut him short. “You don’t own me, you can’t tell me who I can and cannot befriend,” I stated.

  “Well, I can certainly try,” he said, kissing me on the nape of my neck. “Lover, wifey, friend, last time I checked I was still yours and you were still mine.”

  I pulled back from him, determined not to give in. He appeared surprised, for a moment, but continued to pursue me. Though his touch was tantalizing, I needed to make my point clear. “Daniel, no.”

  He ignored me. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear you saying that. It’s been weeks since you put out, and you’re not going to turn me down now. I know you want this,” he said somewhat angrily, gruffly unbuttoning my blouse.

  “Daniel, stop,” I insisted. “I don’t want this. Not like this. Not with you so angry at me. Not with you thinking you own me.”

  He scowled in response and finally stopped pressuring me to make love to him. “Damn him,” he said loudly enough for one of the babies to kick, and for that kick to be visible on the outside.

  “Whoa,” he said, suddenly remorseful for his attitude. Forgetting his anger, he placed a hand on my belly and tapped lightly. The twins kicked in response, and he smiled briefly. “Can’t wait to meet our babies. Hope we can stop with this fighting.”

  “You and me both,” I stated.

  Taking my hands in his, he stated, “I love you so much Temwani. I wish things didn’t have to be so complicated. Things were fine before he stepped on to the scene…”

  “Can’t blame him for all our issues. We had issues before he even turned up,” I reminded him.

  “I know, I know,” he acknowledged. “I guess I have to find a way of learning to let go. I should really trust that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt us, and that what we have here is real,” he stated.

  “You should know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you,” I replied.

  “I just…I don’t believe you when you say you’re not falling for him,” he said. “I feel he’s slow
ly convincing you that being with him is the way to go.”

  “You give him too little credit. He wants me to be happy. With you.”

  “Yeah, right,” he responded, sarcastically.

  “You know, we ought to thank him,” I stated.

  “And why’s that?” he asked, haughtily, as though the thought of thanking David for anything was preposterous.

  “We wouldn’t be together if it weren’t for him,” I stated.

  “What do mean by that?” Daniel asked, intrigued.

  “He’s had me under surveillance for some time, partly because he wanted to find me after all these years, partly because he had to. Anyhow, he was the one who prompted that message to you, that led you to find me that night. He’s been watching me for time.”

  I watched the look on his face turn from intrigued to furious. “What do you mean he had to. The fuck?”

  “Do you have to swear?” I asked, slightly peeved. “He told me today, and he apologized.”

  Shaking his head, he stated, “I knew he was into you, I just didn’t know how much. He’s practically obsessed.” He stood up and paced the floor for a while. Back and forth, back and forth. He sat back on the sofa next to me, and ran his hands through his dark brown hair.

  “Seems I’m going to have to lay down the law when it comes to you and him,” he stated.

  “There’s no me and him, Daniel,” I said. He wasn’t listening.

  “I’ll believe it when I see it,” he stated. “This goes back to what I was saying before. He’ll stop at nothing to get with you. I just wish you weren’t so into him so you could see what I can see.”

  “Daniel, I’m done with you accusing me of things I do not feel.”

  “It’s not an accusation if it’s true,” he corrected. “I know you well,” he added.

  I sighed in response. “There isn’t anything I can say to convince you otherwise then,” I concluded.

  “No, there isn’t,” he stated.

  “Fine then.”

  “Fine,” he replied storming off in a huff. I didn’t have to wonder where he was headed. It likely had something to do with David.

  Daniel was gone for several hours before he returned. I was in bed by the time he got back. When I heard him walk into the bedroom, I closed my eyes, and pretended to be asleep. He planted a kiss on my cheek, and as I lay in bed, eyes closed, I heard him strip off his clothes and get into the shower. I reached for my mobile phone but noticed it was not on the dresser. Daniel! I heard the droplets of water fall in the shower, and imagined him standing there in the bathroom, scrolling through the messages on my phone. Resisting the urge to surprise him, I lay there in bed, for what seemed like an eternity. Not a very good detective, I thought. How obvious. My word clearly meant nothing to him.

  After a good ten minutes, I heard the shower door finally close. He’s actually taking a shower now, I thought. Time to get a new phone.

  Shower done, he slipped into bed, completely naked. Spooning up against me, I felt him beckoning me for some action. Though still peeved at him, I obliged, wanting to get it over with, and wanting to be at peace with him. Obliging would put me at peace with him. It didn’t take him long to get satisfied. I lay there next to him, waiting for sleep to hit. Moments later, when his hand around my waist felt heavy with sleep, I slipped out of bed, phone in hand.

  I sent a text message to David. You okay?

  He replied instantaneously. I’m fine. You shouldn’t be texting me.

  I’ll do as I please, thank you very much, I replied.

  A slight pause ensued before he wrote back. I meant, whatever you do, do not contact me, not now, anyway. I’ve just been served with a restraining order.

  I felt pure rage rise within me and stared at him sleeping peacefully next to me. Who did he think he was?

  I’ll be seeing you, David replied. Get some rest.

  I worked from home the next few days, stayed up late and slept through the mornings. Overnight, Daniel and I became strangers living under the same roof. He’d return from work, exhausted, and would fall asleep on the sofa. I had no energy to pursue him or request anything be different. If I had to be honest with myself, I enjoyed the break from his drama. When we weren’t talking, we were not arguing. When we weren’t arguing, we were at peace with each other. I found solace in that in itself, yet felt a deep loneliness inside.

  David checked in with me daily, and though I knew Daniel was reading every message, I wrote back. The texts were short and simple, centering around the weather and work. There was so much to say, but I was not willing to rock the boat. Not just yet anyway.

  The second week into my hiatus, I woke up earlier in the morning - the moment I heard Daniel leave for work. He’d arranged for the installation of a security fence, one which would ensure that any visitor would need to use the intercom to enter, or use a code. I decided to go for a walk, as it had been several days since I had been outside.

  On my return from the walk, I checked the mailbox that was now on the other side of the fence.

  A small unstamped parcel addressed to me was within. It hadn’t gone through the postal system, it had been dropped off sometime between last night and this morning. I instantly recognized David’s handwriting. I opened the parcel to find a book. James Baldwin’s If Beale Street Could Talk. A note within the book read:

  “I picked this up at the market last week, and of course I thought of you.

  D. x

  A further note within the inside jacket of the book read:

  Don’t ever feel alone in this world.

  I’m in your world.

  You are my world.

  D. x

  I felt my heart melt at the thought that he believed I was his world, but my conscience told me otherwise. Snap out of it. Daniel will be ropeable if he were to find out you were still allowing David to woo you.

  I walked back up the driveway heavyhearted. I felt imprisoned in my life with Daniel. Living behind gates that were meant to keep one person out made me feel even more so. I struggled to come to terms with the fact that I’d escaped a controlling and abusive relationship with Duayne, only to end up in a controlling relationship with Daniel. Maybe David was right, Daniel didn’t deserve me.

  I felt conflicted. Things had to change between Daniel and I, and it would need to happen before the twins arrived. I worried alone that afternoon when the twins wrere quiet and moved very little. The stress wasn’t helping, I could tell. The rest of the morning, I battled belly cramps and back pain. Telling myself that it was just as a result of not drinking enough water, I heated up some hot milk and sat on the sofa for the rest of the day, checking my messages on my phone from time to time. I requested the day off from work, and Craig sent through a text message asking me to take it easy.

  Not having much of an appetite, I skipped lunch and slept through the afternoon til early evening. That night, I woke up to even more painful excrutiating back pain, belly cramps and a pool of blood on the sheets.

  I reached over for Daniel but he was not there. Probably still at work, as had become the norm these days. The pain was excrutiating. I called David. His phone rang out, then was picked up. A chirpy female voice answered the phone. “Sharlene on Doctor Davenport’s phone, can I take a message?”

  I paused, contemplating before I responded. “I need his help.”

  I could hear David in the background, a little over a mumble. “Okay,” Sharlene stated. I wondered who she was and where they were. “He’s in surgery at the moment, he says he’ll call you back in a few.”

  I called Daniel again. His phone rang out. I left a message and decided to call the paramedics. I jumped into the shower to clean off the blood, but it trickled continuously. For a moment I sat there on the shower floor, crying, hoping the babies would be okay. I prayed.

  It seemed like an eternity before the paramedics arrived.

  “Blood loss?” the female paramedic asked, slipping a pulsometer onto my finger, and a blood pressu
re cuff on my left arm. I nodded in reply. “How much?” she asked. I didn’t know. “Did you put on a sanitary pad to catch the flow?” she asked. I nodded in reply. Initially I had. “How many pads did you go through? How many weeks are you?”

  “Two pads. I’m 28 weeks,” I replied.

  My phone rang but it was on the kitchen benchtop. Jake, the male paramedic, handed it over to me.

  “I’m on speaker,” David stated. “In the middle of surgery. I’m a little worried about you, you calling me at this time is unusual. Is everything okay?” he asked.

  In between tears, I said, “I’ve lost a bit of blood…I’m on my way to the ER.”

  “The General or the Presby?” he asked.

  “The Presbyterian.”

  “Okay,” he started. “I’m at the Presby. I’ll find you when you come in,” he promised, bringing the call to a close.

  Triage over, I lay in bed, closed my eyes and cried. Feeling alone, I remembered David’s note. “Don’t ever feel lonely, I am in your world…”

  A tender hand brushed my cheek and wiped away my tears. I opened my eyes to see David sitting by my bed, in medical scrubs. Though his sea blue eyes were filled with worry, he smiled and said hello. Taking my hands in his, he stated, “I’m glad you and the babies are okay.”

  I felt warmth rise in my chest as he stared at me deeply. Tears threatened to fall, and I could not hold back. “Don’t cry,” he beckoned. “Don’t cry. I’m here for you.”

  In my sadness I thought about the restraining order. “What about the order?”

  “What about it,” he asked, unmoved. “There is such a thing as lawful excuse isn’t there?”

  “I guess…”

  “Where is he anyway. He should be here with you. He should have been there with you.”

  “To be honest, I have no idea where he is,” I replied. “He’s not picking up his phone, I’ve tried him several times…”

  “Right,” David replied, sounding peeved. “Let’s hope he’ll be here soon enough.” Changing topic he stated, “You’re in good hands here.” Leaning forward as though he were letting me in on a secret, he advised, “I’ve asked a friend to look in on you. Sharlene. She was the scrub nurse in theatre,” he explained.