“I am,” he confirmed. “Only for a while,” he explained. “After all that’s happened recently, the stuff with Shania, the stuff with Daniel, I need to lay low somewhere for a bit,” he decided. “Maybe I can come back for a while after the babies are born? I’m hoping the time away will somewhat dissipate the anger he feels towards me. I’m hoping time will give you a chance to reflect on where you want to be,” he said. “I’m hoping time will give me a chance to love you more deeply and unconditionally, even if it is from a distance. I’m hoping time will make me a better man,” he concluded.
I shrugged in response, not knowing what to say. I felt deeply for him too, but did not dare make it known as it would give him false hope. I was married to Daniel after all, and my loyalties lay with him.
“Let’s sit down Temwani,” he suggested. “Time to get off your feet,” he stated. “Take a load off,” he added. I didn’t quite understand what he meant but I followed his cue. I wondered how long it would be before I fully understood his Aussie lingo.
We sat on the floor, a cushion behind my back and the wall. You’re still leaving, I thought but did not voice my thoughts.
“How have you been keeping otherwise?” he asked.
“I’ve been fine, knowing you’re in my corner,” I confessed. “I don’t think I would’ve been able to tolerate Daniel’s behavior had you not been here.”
“Well, I’m glad I can be something other than trouble for you,” he said, looking at his watch absently. “Can I drive you home?” he asked suddenly. “It’s getting late and I’m not sure I like the idea of you driving across town on your own, in your condition,” he explained.
“Pregnancy is not a condition,” I snapped.
“Oh but it is. I’m the doctor here aren’t I?” he stated as a matter of factly.
I raised an eyebrow in response.
“Maybe when I’m gone, you can get back to wedded bliss with Daniel,” he said.
“Wedded bliss? It’s been everything but,” I told him.
“Me being here hasn’t helped at all,” he acknowledged. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise David. Daniel made his choices,” I said.
“I didn’t make it easier,” he said, abruptly getting up. “I know I just asked you to sit down, but can I have this dance?” he asked. The saxophone intro to George Michael’s Careless Whisper played on the radio.
He held his hand out to me, and I took it. On my feet, he pulled me towards him. Barely above a whisper, he asked, “Can’t we just pretend for a moment that I’m yours and you’re mine?”
“No, David,” I replied quickly. “We can’t.”
Undeterred, he held my hand in his and led the dance.
With one hand in his, the other on his shoulder, we danced. My pregnant belly forced us to do so slightly apart, and I was grateful for the distance. His presence was overpowering. As we danced, I found myself imagining how different my life would have been had he been in it from the get go.
“It’ll only ever be you,” he stated, as the song came to an end. “Come, I’ll take you home, before it gets too late, and before I make things worse for you.”
I sighed in response at his thoughtfulness. Pity Daniel didn’t give much consideration and thought to him.
My chest felt tight as we pulled into the driveway. The living room light was on. Daniel was home. Without hesitating, David stepped out of the car and rushed to my side to help me out. “I’ll walk you in,” he insisted.
“Daniel will be livid.”
“What for, it’s not as though anything is happening between us, except for friendship, right?” I could tell from the look on his face that he didn’t believe his own words.
I shrugged in response. His friendship was seeming more and more like a prelude to a courting.
I put my key in the door, but before I could turn the knob, the door was yanked open.
Daniel stared at David, David stared at Daniel.
“So you finally decided to come home?” Daniel questioned me.
“Mate…” David started.
With a seething glare, Daniel looked David straight in the eye and warned, “There’s a special place in hell reserved for a man who covets another man’s wife.” Motioning for me to get into the house, Daniel added, “Good will always triumph over evil, and I declare right now that you will not succeed in taking her away from me.”
David shrugged in response. “She’s your wife mate, I can’t take her away from you. She’ll end up leaving you if you don’t treat her right.”
Enraged, Daniel questioned, “And you would know everything about treating her right, would you?” Before David replied, he added, “Of course you would. You’ve had lots of experience, haven’t you?” he stated as a matter of factly.
“Mate, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” David said defensively.
“Oh, but I do,” Daniel responded. “You and I both know what you had to do to put yourself through med school,” he started. “Care to let your here lady friend know?”
“Mate…” David started, at a sudden loss for words as he stared past Daniel and towards me. “There isn’t much she doesn’t know about me. What she doesn’t know, she will know in time.”
“Yeah, whatever, Shaman. I bet you never told Teme about the work you did in the past.”
David hesitated for a moment before responding. “That isn’t entirely the truth, and it’s not as though you’re being completely honest with her anyhow,” he said. “Care explaining why you spend your Friday nights at Bojangles?” he asked rhetorically. “Isn’t this woman who you call yours enough for you?” he asked. “Oh, and you lying that she was your first?”
The color left Daniel’s face and he leaned back onto the door post. “That was just business, and our sex life is none of your business.”
“Yeah, good save,” David replied. “Whatever it was, you can lose your holier than thou attitude and just admit that you don’t deserve to be with her.”
I was infuriated with the both of them. “Enough already! I can think for myself, thank you very much, you don’t need to stand here and defend me. The both of you need to stop fighting over me!” I exclaimed. I could feel the twins kicking wildly in my belly. “Daniel, I’m married to you, grow a spine and stop being so insecure. David, I’m friends with you, stop trying to convince me of how good we could be together! Will the both of you just let me be! Will the both of you just leave well enough alone and just let me live? Let me breathe!”
Daniel threw his head back haughtily and used the opportunity to gloat. Shifting his weight to one leg in a cowboy-esque pose, he turned to David and stated, “Well, well, well. I never thought I’d see the day but she’s finally told you to get lost, brother.”
David, who by this time was red faced, shifted on his feet uncomfortably. “That’s not what I heard,” he managed.
“It’s never what you want to hear,” Daniel retorted. “Here’s something else you don’t want to hear. You’re trespassing on my property. If you don’t git in the next few minutes…”
I lost it. “You’ve got no idea, do you, Daniel. No idea just how much your behavior is stressing me out. No idea whatsoever…”
Daniel interjected, “Don’t get all excited baby, don’t forget you’re carrying my babies,” he said in a somewhat pejorative tone, suddenly concerned for the twins.
“You’re telling me to not get so excited?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m telling you to settle down.” he replied, grabbing my arm. I forcefully pulled away from him, shifting him away from his comfortable post by the door.
“Teme…” David started.
“And don’t get me started on you. You’re here telling me about how bad he is and yet you’re no better!” I said, shouting at him for the first time ever.
“Teme, it isn’t like that at all,” he managed, his head bowed.
“What is it like then!” I exclaimed.
“I needed to put myself through med school. I d
idn’t have the benefit of a lush trust fund like Daniel here did. I worked as a waiter, I worked as a cleaner. I worked as a tantric sex yogi,” he admitted.
I nearly fell over.
“None of what I did in the past should be of consequence to you. It’s not as though we’re together, it’s not as though…” David explained.
“You might not be with her, but you’re going out of your way to judge me, to make it out that I’m less than…” Daniel said.
“Nope, you’re doing that all by yourself,” David replied, not taking his eyes off me. “Teme, please don’t think ill of me. I couldn’t take it if you did. Where I’ve been should be of no consequence to you. We’re not together. Besides, everything I’ve learned, I wanted to share with you,” he said bluntly.
“Please leave,” I stated, not wanting to hear his reasons or excuses. I was upset at myself for listening to him and hearing him talk about love and the purity of unconditional love. He knew nothing of that, though the thought of him sharing all he’d learnt as a yogi made heat rise within me.
“Okay,” David replied. “I’m sorry for all this. You deserve better,” he said, walking off.
“I hope we can now get back to it just being me and you now.” Daniel stated.
“It’s only ever been just me and you,” I told him, walking away from him.
The revelation about David had me reeling. I googled Tantric Sex Yogi, and what I read had me clutching my metaphorical pearls. No wonder he was so intense, no wonder his touch was so electric, no wonder his presence was so disarming. Apparently couples instructed by a yogi would reach a deeper level of consciousness, a deeper level of passion in their relationship. Apparently a yogi could make a person climax without ever laying a hand on their body. Apparently some yogis dabbled in the dark arts. I shuddered at the thought, and suddenly became aware of and understood why Daniel had warned me to stay away from David, but was conflicted in my feelings. Regardless of the brush Daniel had tried to paint him with, David had never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, and knowing what he was like, his role as a yogi would’ve been undertaken at arms length. I believed him when he said he’d only ever has eyes for me.
I slept fitfully that night, and woke up to Daniel opening and shutting drawers noisily. When I looked at the clock, it was a little after 3 am.
“Sorry babe,” he said in a strained voice. “We’re all out of Aspirin I think.”
“I’ve got some Panadol in my handbag,” I replied.
He leaned over the bedroom dresser, eyes winced in pain. In the process he knocked over a few of my cosmetics. He swore under his breath and groaned in response.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, leaping out of bed, concerned.
He paused for a while before responding. “I’ve been having these awful headaches and it seems that no matter what I do they get worse. I’ve been taking Aspirin…” he clumsily tried to pick my cosmetics off the floor and rearrange them.
I went to his side and urged him to sit down and disregard the things he’d just knocked. He fell to his knees instead, and leant his head against the dresser front. I knelt with him, gently stroking his back.
“Before you ask, no, I haven’t been drinking,” he muttered under his breath, his hands shaking and speech slightly slurred.
“I’ll get you some water,” I offered, getting up.
When I returned, he was where I’d left him, eyes closed and in tears. I reached for the Panadol in my handbag, gave it to him with a glass of water and sat with him in silence. “Baby you need to see a doctor,” I suggested.
“I’ll be fine,” he replied. “Just a headache.” Tears and his head in his hands told me it was more than just a headache.
“Daniel…”
He winced in pain.
“If you won’t go to a doctor, can I get David to…”
“David’s the last person I need to see,” he said firmly.
“David’s a doctor. If you won’t go see one, I’ll call him. Your choice.”
He sighed heavily in response. “This Panadol ain’t doin’ nothin’ for my pain right now. Don’t add to my pain by asking David to come around.”
“Come to bed, Daniel,” I urged, ignoring his request. He refused to budge. I got up and decided to call David.
He was on shift at the Presbyterian, and suggested I bring him in, or he would come by after his shift, all despite the restraining order in place. Daniel wouldn’t be pleased, but I wasn’t giving him a choice.
When I got back to Daniel he’d fallen asleep where he was. He protested slightly when I tried to wake him and direct him to the bed, but eventually he gave in.
I stayed with him for a while, bedroom pitch black, before I decided to head off and see David.
David seemed surprised to see me standing at his door. “Where’s Daniel?” he immediately asked, motioning for me to come in.
“Asleep,” I replied. It was 5 am in the morning, and I’d left Daniel in bed.
“You’re supposed to be on bed rest. What’re you doing driving around town at this hour?”
“I needed to get out,” I told him. It had been a few days since we’d last seen each other. He’d kept his distance.
“You sounded worried earlier, everything okay?” he asked.
“Daniel’s been having quite intense headaches, he hasn’t been able to sleep because of them.”
“Does he get migraines with aura?” he questioned.
“I’m not sure,” I replied.
“He needs to get himself checked out,” David suggested.
“That’s exactly what I told him, but unfortunately he refuses to listen, which is not unusual of course.”
He nodded in agreement, then in silence, he led me to the living room and motioned for me to sit with him, on a cushion, on the floor. “I’m sorry about Daniel being ill, but I’m glad you’re here right now. I need to talk to you.
“If it’s got anything to do with what you told me the other night, I don’t want to know,” I told him.
“That’s a lie and you know it,” he said. He was right.
“Look, I’m sorry if what you found out about me hurt you. I can explain,” he promised. “Do you trust me?” he asked all of a sudden.
“That’s not a question.”
“Do you trust me?” he asked again.
“Yes.”
“Okay,” he said. “Sit down, hands in your lap,” he directed. “Any pain anywhere in your body?”
“Some pain in my hands - carpal tunnel.”
“Okay,” he said. “Give me your hands.”
“David…”
“Give me your hands.”
I placed my hands in his, which felt warm to touch.
“Close your eyes,” he commanded.
I closed my eyes, and he held my hands in his. Eyes closed, I felt warmth fill my hands to the point that I pulled them away, slightly startled.
“Do you have pain in your hands now?” he asked.
I wriggled my fingers around. “No,” I replied abruptly. My hands felt warm and the pain that had been there moments ago was gone.
“Okay,” he stated. “Let’s try something,” he insisted. He motioned for me to sit closer to him on the floor, cross-legged, directly facing him. He took my right hand and placed it on his chest, so I could feel his heartbeat. He placed his right hand on my heart.
I sat there with him, his hand on my heart, mine on his. “Hold my gaze for as long as you can,” he urged. “Feel my heart beating in sync with yours.”
I gazed into his eyes and felt his heart beating at the same pace as mine.
“Look into me as I’m looking into you,” he commanded, his voice deep and entrancing, his eyes warm and full of love.
We sat in silence, not breaking gaze. In his eyes I saw adoration and love. Love unwavering, love never ending and love unconditional. As I stared into his eyes, I also saw pain. I saw heartache. I saw suffering. I felt tears come to my eyes but continued looking into
him. He didn’t break my gaze, but reached out to wipe the tears that rolled down my cheek. I gained composure for a moment, and we sat there, staring into each other again. Tears welled up in his eyes when he finally spoke. “I can see pain, I can see fear. I can see what he did to you. I can see what you were before him. I can see who you are now. I can see who you could’ve been had I not let you go.” He moved his hand from my chest to my hand on his chest, and I could feel the warmth radiate through from him to me. As he stared into me, his eyes pierced through to the core of me, and I felt as though I’d been stripped bare, with nowhere to retreat.
“I’m sorry for failing you,” he apologized. “Sorry I wasn’t there for you when things with Duayne took a turn for the worse. Sorry…”
I tried to speak but no words came.
“I can’t take your pain away,” he stated, tears falling down his face.
“David, it isn’t your job to take away my pain,” I replied, crying as well, tasting the salt of my tears on my lips.
“Yours is the type of pain I can’t take away. But I can help you open up to love again,” he promised.
I shook my head in response, feeling heavy and overwhelmed. “David, your pain runs deep. I didn’t realise how much pain you were in. It can’t be all over me, this runs deeper.”
“We can stop this now,” he suggested, wiping tears off his face with the back of his hand. “Let’s stop this now,” he insisted.
I nodded in agreement, suddenly feeling unwell. Uncrossing my legs, I shifted to lie down on my side, overwhelmed, exhausted and everything in between. David abruptly stood up and offered me his hand. “Not the floor. You’ll wake up in a world of pain. Try the bed,” he suggested. Lightheaded and dizzy, I stumbled when I stood up, and he braced my fall. “Easy,” he cautioned, his embrace warm and gentle.
I lay down for what seemed to be a few minutes but ended up being a few hours. I awoke to the smell of toasted raisin bread and freshly brewed tea.
“Feeling better?” he asked.
I nodded to the affirmative. I felt as though a burden had been lifted.
He brought over a breakfast tray with some brioche style raisin bread, hash browns and some syrup.
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