“It’s just after 7 am,” he noted. “Your phone’s been ringing off the hook.”
I shrugged in response. I had no doubt it was Daniel.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” he advised. “I took the liberty of checking your messages, just in case Daniel was needing you, what with the way you left him,” he stated. “Hope you don’t mind. He seems to be fine. Fine enough to send you a few scathing text messages,” he added.
“What a surprise,” I stated. “I’ll be heading back soon enough. He needs to learn to trust me.”
“You being here doesn’t help I’m sure,” David said surprisingly.
I shrugged again, and took a big bite out of my bread. “You’re not eating?” I asked.
“No,” he replied abruptly. We sat in silence for a moment before he stated, “So, you know I’m leaving. I think it’s for the best. These days I can’t even look him in the eye when he talks about you. I’m afraid my eyes will betray me. Anyway, I know you’ve only got eyes for him, and that for as long as you do, I am alone here in love. I know…” he broke off, hesitating for a moment. “I can’t help the way I feel about you no matter how I try. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, you’re all I’ve always wanted.” He paused again, then smiled sadly. “Well if not this lifetime then maybe the next. Or will you turn me down then too?”
“You’re being so melodramatic David. There are other women in the world. You can and will find someone else to love,” I told him.
“You don’t understand. I won’t be able to love someone the way I love you,” he declared.
“Don’t you want to be with someone who will adore you, and love you for everything you are?” I asked.
“Trust me, despite the bravado and flair, I’m not the most loveable person,” he stated. Firmly, he added “Trust me, I don’t want to be with anyone other than you. And trust me, I know you secretly adore me.”
“David,” I chided him. “We’ve talked about this.”
“Temwani,” he said in kind. “You can’t change the way I feel.”
I sighed, feeling his pain and anguish.
“With all due respect Teme, you don’t know what it’s like for me to love you the way I love you. The fact that we’re here again, revisiting this, confirms you have no idea. I can’t just switch off the way I feel about you. I can’t pretend I’m not jealous of you and Daniel and the life you have planned. If you’d only said yes to me all those years ago this would have been our life together. He would have been me.”
“But he’s not you, and you are not him,” I said a little too coolly, though my all felt for him.
“I can’t be here anymore,” he stated with finality.
“Distance and time might change how you feel,” I offered.
“Distance and time will only make me more fond of you,” he replied. “I just can’t do this anymore. Can’t be here, watching you with him…” he broke off, running a hand through his tressed locks, despair in his voice apparent. “You don’t know what it’s like.”
I could only imagine what it felt like, but he was right. He loved me with such fervour and adoration. I didn’t know what it felt like to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally.
A momentary pause ensued before he stated, “You’re not supposed to be here.”
“I can be where I want to be,” I told him.
“You don’t understand. Daniel does not want me to even talk to you.”
“Or else what?” I asked.
“Amongst other things, he’s promised to ensure that I’d never get to know your kids. My niece and my nephew. As it is, I’m a persona non grata. He doesn’t want me around. Doesn’t feel I should be a part of his life in any way. But I haven’t got any family apart from him and you. And them. I can’t risk what I’ve just found. Being here has made me feel real again. It’s made me feel alive and it’s made me feel whole. But I can’t take the risk of inciting him any further. So I’m leaving.”
I felt saddened at what Daniel had threatened. He had no right. No right at all. Daniel was all the family David had, and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. “Daniel has no right to treat you like this.”
“Oh, but he is your husband,” he reminded me.
“Don’t I know it,” I said. “He’s acting more like a tyrant than a life companion these days.”
“Well, you know where to find me when you get tired of living under a dictatorship,” he said winking and managing a cheeky smile. “No seriously, he’s just trying to hold on to what’s his. Okay. I know we’re not together, never have been, and the way things are now, the way things are going, we never will be together, but I’m gonna miss you big time. Gonna miss seeing you, gonna miss being around you, gonna miss having you around.”
“David, you make it sound so final. I’m not going anywhere, I’m still here. We’re friends. I’ll always be here for you,” I told him.
“Friends we might be, but I’m still completely head over heels in love with you,” he confessed. “Staying here, seeing you so happy with him is sorta killing me. Plus, I made a promise to him. Promised that I’d put distance between us.”
“He can’t control my friendships,” I noted.
“Friendship,” he corrected. “He’s only got qualms about me and you being friends.”
“I’ll talk to him,” I suggested.
“No use,” he said. “I’ve already tried. He’s got his mind made up, and he won’t be convinced. So, I’m off,” he said with finality. “Now I don’t know what I’ll do without you being around me day to day, but I’ll find a way to deal. Had to find a way all those years ago, I’m sure I’ll find a way now, somehow.”
The reality that he was heading to Australia so soon brought tears to my eyes unexpectedly.
“Come now, don’t cry,” he urged me. “I’ll always be just a phone call away. Call me when you need me, and I’ll be right back here, by your side. This isn’t the end for us. Our friendship is greater than anything or any one circumstance life can throw in our path.”
“David, I wish I could believe you, but I can’t. You’re what’s been keeping me going through the trials and tribulations I’ve been through. You’ve been my rock, David.”
“Teme, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. Things you shouldn’t know,” he said mysteriously. “Maybe it’s better this way. The lower the stakes, the less pain there’ll be.”
“David, you know better than I do that in matters of the heart the stakes are always high.”
He nodded in response. “True that. Promise me one thing though. Promise me you’ll keep happy,” he urged. “…and those spiders, make sure you get him to get rid of them humanely - put them outside.”
I laughed in between tears. He hugged me deeply and earnestly.
“You’ll be alright?” I asked, worried that he was going away for good, despite his words to the contrary.
“I’ll keep busy,” he promised. “Plan to spend some more time in training, get my orthodontics training down pat. Also considering going on base for a few months. Depending on how things pan out with Shania. I can’t stay away for too long, but I’ll stay away for as long as I can.”
“Any idea where you’d be based?” I asked.
“Afghanistan likely,” he said.
I felt my heart sink. “Please be safe,” I told him.
“I’ll write you every week. Think of you every day,” he promised. Unlike Daniel’s his promises were as good as gold.
Overwhelming sadness filled me. “I wish things were different for you. I wish you could find happiness.”
“Not an easy thing to achieve. My happiness is tied to you,” he stated frankly. “And you’re bound to him.”
I sighed in response.
“I’ve always been in love with you. I’ll take what you can give, so don’t worry about my happiness. Happiness is being here for you, in whatever which way you’ll have me.”
To say I didn’t love him would be to l
ie. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him. Instead, I said, “David, there are a lot of things I could be saying right now, but they would only complicate matters. What I can say is thank you for everything.”
As we stood facing each other, in that moment I felt the raw energy between us.
He broke the silence. “You are such a beautiful sight to behold. Remind that brother of mine to watch his step and to cherish you every day and show his love for you in every way. For if he doesn’t, I’ll be on to him. And quite possibly on to you,” he said as a matter of factly.
“You’re incorrigible, Doctor Davenport.”
He smiled again, that whimsical smile that would always make me melt.
“You’ll find someone new,” I said, knowing in my heart how hard it would be for him to turn his heart to someone else.
“I won’t,” he replied. “Please don’t start this again - I can’t just forget about you. I can move on, try to love someone else but it’s only you. It will always be you,” he declared. “When it’s all said and done, you know I’ll be here waiting for you,” he said. “I hope you know that, and I hope you remember that.” Looking at his watch again, he stated, “Let me take you home. Last thing you need is for Daniel to be in a huff.”
My return home started and ended with drama. David left me at the door, not wanting to ignite any further drama with Daniel. As I walked in the door, I found the drama was already lit, my arrival fuelling the flame.
“So, you decided to make your way home. Think you could have called me to let me know you were planning on leaving me alone in the condition that I was in?” Daniel questioned.
“It wasn’t like that Daniel. I knew you’d be okay, plus I wanted to get David to have a look at you, or at least get an opinion from him,” I told him.
“It was more than that and you know it. You could have called me, but hey, I guess the Shaman had you under his spell,” Daniel said.
“Don’t call him that.”
“Whyever not?” he asked. “That is what he is, right? He practices in the dark arts, and has been tryin’ to work his voodoo magic on you for time.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Daniel,” I said.
“Oh, don’t I now. Prove me wrong,” he challenged.
“I don’t have to prove anything to you,” I argued.
“I wish you’d lose your sense of loyalty to him. You should be loyal to me and me only.”
“Come on Daniel. He’s your brother, and he’s my friend.”
“He’s your friend for now, but clearly he’d take more, given half a chance,” Daniel declared with certainty.
“You’re so selfish sometimes,” I told him. “You’ve wanted nothing to do with him from the start. You won’t even give him the time of day.”
“Look at this from my perspective for once,” he urged. “My brother or not, he’s a man in love with you, and I simply don’t have the time to entertain any sort of relationship with him.”
“You know, you disappoint me. David’s got nothing. He’s broken. You had a privileged childhood. His childhood was stolen from him.” I could tell from the expression on his face, he didn’t care.
“Privileged?” he fumed. “Okay, so me being raised by just my mom, me struggling to come to terms with who I am without a father figure around, is me having had a privileged childhood?” he shook his head. “Oh, the Shaman’s got you now.”
I rolled my eyes in response. “Daniel, until you start to take ownership for your role in the issues we’re having here as husband and wife, I simply don’t have time for you.”
A look of shock swept across his face. “What the heck is that supposed to mean!”
“It means what it means,” I said. “I can’t live like this. Love is not supposed to be a battle.”
“So, you’re walking away from me?” he asked.
“No. I’m walking away from this drama.”
“Baby, you can’t just leave me,” he said, in shock.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“What are you doing then! When push comes to shove and the going gets tough, you hit the road. Every single time,” he alleged.
“Can you blame me?” I asked.
“No, I can’t and I don’t. I just know that we need to work things out, here. Together,” he insisted.
“You’ve got issues you need to resolve all on your own,” I told him.
“Look,” he said. “I know I can be a pain in the behind. I know I can be insecure. I know I’m not the easiest person to love. But leaving me here on my lonesome to work through things isn’t going to help,” he said.
“You haven’t tried it, so you don’t know it won’t work.”
“Oh, but I have tried it. You’re hardly home these days,” he stated.
“You haven’t been to see a counsellor as you promised,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, that,” he said flippantly.
“Don’t yeah that me. The one thing you could be doing to help this, you’re refusing to do.”
“If we lose what needs to be lost, I won’t need to,” he reasoned. “If David leaves us be, I won’t need to.”
I shook my head in response. “You don’t get it, do you. We had issues before David turned up. We’ve still got issues now.”
He stood there for a moment, silent, before stating, “I’m out. We can talk about this when you’ve had time to cool off, and you’re trying to be reasonable,” he announced. “I’ll catch you later,” he said, planting a gruff and unwanted kiss on my lips before turning to leave.
Walking away again. I couldn’t find words.
That night, I went to bed alone again. If only he knew how much he was hurting me, but he didn’t.
Over the next few days, I busied myself with plans to leave. I had three days to get organized to go. David was going to Australia, and I was planning on going too. Daniel would not be a party to any of my plans, and neither would David. I planned to catch up with a friend on the Gold Coast, in Queensland, and had everything organized to that effect. I planned to leave on the same flight as David, but that was as far as it went. We would go our separate ways in Sydney, given that he planned to go on to the Sunshine Coast, while I would remain on the Gold Coast. At least this was the plan.
George cleared me for travel, but was insistent that I return after a short spell only.
“Two weeks maximum,” he said, signing my letter of approval for the airline. Two weeks would see me at 34 weeks.
“No travel after you hit 36 weeks. Please try to be back by the 34 week mark,” he insisted. “Anything later, and you run the risk of not being able to fly back, or the risk of the babies being born overseas.” I agreed, despite knowing that Daniel wouldn’t be happy with my plans. All the more reason not to tell him until the very last minute.
Daniel took to drinking in excess the last two nights I had with him before my departure. Johnny was a bad influence, as David had said, though he did ensure Daniel came home every night, and I was grateful for that and grateful for him. I knew deep down Johnny meant well and would’ve stopped Daniel if he could, but he obviously couldn’t. I also knew and had heard through the grapevine that Johnny’s relationship with Michaela was on the rocks, which didn’t surprise me at all. He’d been staying with us on and off, more on than off. Misery loved company and Daniel was in good company. I just wondered how far they would both go when I was gone, but I was past caring in the end.
The night before I was set to leave, Daniel surprised me by actually being at home in the evening. He was leaning against the corridor wall when I walked in, and it was quite evident he had been waiting for me to get back. He motioned towards the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me to sit in. He sat at the head of the table, to my left. Johnny wasn’t in, it was just me and him.
“I hear you’re leaving,” he said, his voice somber and steady. “I hear David’s leaving, and I hear you’re leaving too.”
“I’m getting away for so
me time,” I corrected him.
“You can’t just leave,” he stated, the strain in his voice apparent.
“I need some time away from all of this. Surely you can agree.”
“I disagree. Stay here and we can work on this,” he begged.
“That’s the problem. You need to work on this. You need to sort yourself out,” I replied.
“You can’t leave,” he said again in disbelief.
“As I said, I’m giving you the time you need to deal.”
“So you’re going to Australia?” he asked.
I was a little surprised he knew, given how hard I had worked to keep my plans a secret. Then again, I shouldn’t have been. He had his ways as a private investigator.
“Tell me this isn’t true,” he said. “So, are you going to tell me your plans? I don’t like the idea of you flying so far into your pregnancy. In fact, I don’t like the fact that you are leaving at all.” After a momentary pause, he stated, “I forbid you to leave.”
Of course you do. I laughed in response. “Here we go again.”
“Temwani, I am your husband. I have a say in this.”
“Of course you do,” I acknowledged. “You’ve said your piece. Now it’s time for you to accept what I have to do.”
“You can’t leave,” he said again. “This isn’t fair.”
“Don’t talk to me about fairness Daniel,” I warned. “You of all people should know that it isn’t fair for you to continue to hold me ransom to your views. Your beliefs. Your behavior. Your feelings about how this relationship should be. This is meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.”
“So, the solution is for you to leave and shack up with my brother?” he asked.
“I’m not shacking up with anyone,” I stated. “I’m going on my own steam, making my own arrangements. Also, for your information, David has done nothing but support me. He’s done nothing but support us.”
“That’s the problem,” he stated. “Under the guise of supporting you and supporting me, he’s just there, waiting in the wings for me to make a mess of things so he can come through and rescue you. I have a say in this. I am your husband, and I’m putting my foot down. You cannot leave,” he insisted.
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