“Isn’t he a good friend?”
David shrugged. “I’m not prepared to deal with the drama he brings again,” he stated abruptly.
I waited for him to elaborate on what he meant, but he didn’t.
“I bet he’s using in the toilet,” he predicted. Without a further thought, he headed towards the bathroom.
Curious as to whether he was right, I followed after him.
He was right. Johnny sat on the floor, head leaning back onto the toilet rim. A used needle lay strewn on the floor, the wall slightly blood stained. His eyes were closed, he looked peaceful. “What the heck, Johnny,” David chastised him. “Johnny!” he called out. Johnny stirred slightly but didn’t open his eyes. “Johnny!” David said even louder. I hoped he wouldn’t wake up the children.
Johnny’s eyes remained closed. David got down on his knees, carefully moved the needle out of the way and slapped Johnny on the left cheek, hard.
“Fuck!” Johnny exclaimed, groggily.
“Get up,” David ordered. “You’re not doing this here.”
Johnny attempted to rise to his feet but failed. He banged his head on the sink and David braced his fall.
David tried reasoning with him but Johnny refused to listen and refused to budge.
“I’m out,” Johnny announced eventually, angrily walking off. He slammed the door on his way out.
David stood up to go after him, then paused. “He’s so off his head he couldn’t find the front door.”
He was right. In a huff, Johnny had walked out of the bathroom, into the living room then into the prayer room.
I suspected it would be a moment before he walked out again in a huff and tried to locate the actual door, but instead, we were met with silence. Five minutes passed before I went after him, wanting to check on him.
David motioned for me to remain seated. Disobeying him I got up and rapped on the door of the prayer room. “You okay in there Johnny?”
“Yes,” he responded, his voice faint. It sounded as though he were sobbing. I opened the door. He was sobbing.
He sat, back against the wall, crying uncontrollably. I turned on the light, entered and sat next to him in silence. David stood at the door. I acknowledged his presence with a nod, and we tacitly agreed that we would sit with Johnny.
“Mate, I’m sorry for the tough love. I just don’t want you to go back to…you know what I’m talking about,” David said, a little subdued.
“I’m a colossal fuck up,” Johnny cried. “I’m too far gone to ever get over this,” he said. I sat there with him as he cried, bracing his head in his hands. In between tears, he looked up and noticed the hand posted notes and prayer outlines on the wall. Many written by Daniel, many written by me after Daniel had left us.
“Can I pray for you?” I asked.
“Don’t waste your breath,” he muttered. “I feel God’s given up on me a long time ago.”
“You mean, you’ve given up on you, right?” I stated. He stared at me deeply, before looking away, in shame.
“I’m sorry guys, being the fuck up that I am I’ve brought my issues here and involved you. I’m truly sorry,” he apologised.
I heard Josiah call out for me in his sleep. “I got this,” David said quickly, leaving Johnny and I in the prayer room.
“Can I pray for you?” I asked again, hand on his shoulder.
After a moment’s hesitation, he nodded to the affirmative.
I prayed that the chains that had him enslaved would be broken. I prayed that his heart would be filled with hope and his body would be filled with health. I prayed that he would once and for all be free of all that bound him and kept him enslaved.
As I prayed, he sobbed. By the end of it, he sat motionless, staring at the wall. I offered him a tissue which he gladly accepted.
“This isn’t in your hands any longer. You don’t have to do this on your own,” I told him.
“I really miss Daniel,” he said, echoing my sentiment. “I don’t know that I’ll ever stop missing him.”
“It’ll get better,” I told him. “You’ll see.”
I lay some fresh sheets on the guest bed. I was determined that Johnny would stay with us for a few days.
“What are we doing here?” David asked suspiciously, returning from having checked up on the twins.
“Johnny hasn’t got anywhere else to go. He needs to stay here,” I told him.
He shook his head in disapproval. “I don’t want you taking his issues on.”
“And why’s that?” I asked. “He hasn’t got anyone else in his corner. He really wants to kick this habit for good,” I explained.
David sighed heavily. “You sure about this?”
“I’m very sure,” I replied. “I have to help him.”
“You’ve got a heart of gold, I tell you,” David said. “Tell me what I need to do to help and I will,” he offered.
“Good,” I replied. “Great to have you onside. He needs to stay here, come off what he’s been on. He can’t afford treatment in a centre,” I explained. “Michaela won’t have anything to do with him, so we can’t count on her support. He hasn’t got anyone else.”
“He can’t stay here,” David stated, concerned. “Not with just you and the kids here. It’s not safe,” he added.
“The only person he’s a danger to at this moment is himself,” I stated. “He can’t be alone. Daniel would have wanted us to help him out. I thought you said you were willing to do anything to help?”
After an awkward silence, David replied, “I did. I will.”
“I’m expecting you to stay here with me,” I told him, boldly.
He didn’t succeed at hiding his surprise. “I can dig that,” he said grinning widely. “You know I’m happy to do whatever where you’re involved.”
I know. I smiled back.
Johnny sauntered into the room, wearing a t-shirt and shorts that once belonged to Daniel. I smiled sadly, recalling Daniel for a moment. Daniel who was so full of life and so willing to help out others in need. Had he been here, I’m certain he would have helped Johnny. “Some juice?” I offered.
“Yes thanks,” Johnny replied simply. He appeared restless and anxious.
David surveyed him from a distance. I could still sense his hesitation.
“I don’t want to put you guys out,” Johnny said, suddenly panicked. “I’ll be gone in the morning,” he promised.
“We don’t want you to be alone, Johnny,” I stated. “You’re staying here, getting clean as you promised.”
I still sensed David’s hesitation. “David, the only person he’s likely to be a danger to, is himself.”
“Thanks for the offer Teme, though I tried this before, it was hard, and it didn’t work,” Johnny interjected.
“To a point it did work,” I countered. “You stayed sober for two whole years.”
He nodded profusely, finishing the last of his orange juice.
“Fresh sheets, bucket by your bed, full use of the ensuite, we’ll check up on you from time to time,” I told him.
“Right,” Johnny replied. Pupils dilated, his blue eyes seemed black.
“Try to get some rest,” David suggested. “We’re not giving up on you.”
Johnny turned to go, breaking down in tears. “You don’t know how much this means to me,” he stated. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it,” I replied.
“Guess I have old mate to thank for you taking a liking to me?” he asked.
I laughed lightly. “Yes, Daniel thought you were a riot. He once described your energy as infectious. I’m so glad we have you back.”
Johnny smiled briefly. “In the short time I knew him…” he started. “He was a stand-up guy. God rest his soul,” he said sadly, his eyes watering up. “Look, I’m gonna try and get some rest,” he stated, turning to go.
The next morning, we had a visitor. Owen. David had invited him over to discuss Johnny and plans moving forward.
“Tem
e, you remember Doctor Collins?” David asked.
Of course I did. Owen was one of the doctors on the medical team supporting Daniel on his discharge from the mental facility. He’d also been at the wake.
“Owen’s a good friend of mine,” David stated. “We go way back,” he added. “Med school days.”
Owen held out his hand for me to shake. “Nice to see you again,” he stated. “You look well this morning,” he noted. “My condolences,” he added. “It isn’t easy, but keeping busy helps.”
“Thanks Owen, it meant a lot that you were there yesterday,” I said.
After a moment of silence, Owen stated, “So, I’m here today to see what I can do to help. I’m a recovering addict. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve been clean 10 years now and counting.”
Clearing his throat, David explained, “I think Owen’ll make a good sponsor for Johnny.”
I nodded in approval, hoping Johnny wouldn’t think it too forward to be staging an intervention in such a manner.
Johnny sat on the sofa, television volume on low. Formula One was on again.
“Johnny, you know Owen?” David asked.
Turning to face us, he said, “I vaguely remember him, yes.”
“I’d like to be your sponsor,” Owen said. “We’ve got a lot in common.”
“If you say so,” Johnny said, turning back to Formula One.
“Johnny, please,” I begged.
“Alright,” he said. “I’ll give it a go.”
Owen stood at a distance and purposely dropped his keys.
Johnny noticed. “You drive an Aston Martin?” he asked.
“Only on special occasions. I’ve got the old girl in the garage for the moment, just needs a little bit of detailing,” he said.
Johnny bolted up. “What year?”
“She’s a 2013 DB9.”
“Convertible?”
“Yep,” Owen replied.
“Totally sick!” he exclaimed. “Guess we do have something in common!” he acknowledged.
24
WITH HIM
David moved around the house hurriedly and purposefully. I tried following him around to see what he was doing but he asked me to leave him be. “Go sit down,” he requested. “When I need you, I’ll sing out for ya’,” he said, waving me away.
I then sat in the living room with Johnny. Formula One. Again. He read my mind and laughed aloud. “How ‘bout I watch this later?” he proposed.
“Don’t worry about it. Had enough practice sitting through this with Daniel,” I said.
“Sounds painful,” he joked, grinning from ear to ear. It was hard to be down around Johnny. His smile lit up the room like a spark.
As he attempted to change channel, I insisted, “Leave it on. It’s all good.”
“Okay, if you insist,” he said.
David pranced into the living room, in a burst of energy. “Johnny, you reckon you and Sadie’ll be alright with the kids for a few hours or possibly a night?”
“Yep. Why?” he asked, sitting up, suddenly alert.
“Just going across the border to pick up that Pontiac ’64 of Daniel’s. And to have a night out under Mexican skies with this beautiful one,” he said, referring to me.
“I’m comin’ with you, no two ways about it,” he announced, getting up abruptly. He stood a neat 6 foot 2, making David look short in comparison. Not afraid to be the third wheel, I thought to myself.
David hesitated for a moment as though he were contemplating the third wheel factor, before stating, “Alright then, in fact you might just be the person I need to come with.” Turning to me, he said, “Pack an overnight bag for yourself. Let’s leave in an hour?”
I immediately thought of the kids. Save for the night I spent in hospital, keeping a vigil over Daniel, I hadn’t spent a night away from them. “Not sure I can bear being away from the kids.”
“Okay,” David replied. “How about…”
“How about we ask Sadie to come along, and we both can mind them?” Johnny proposed.
David eyed him suspiciously.
“What!” he interjected. “I’m practically their Godfather. Spent a lot of time with them when Daniel was around.”
Not convinced, David shook his head in response.
“Sadie’ll be very happy to come along,” Johnny said, with conviction. In that moment, I was convinced that Johnny had intimate knowledge about what Sadie would and would not like to do.
Passing a furtive glance at me, David nodded to the affirmative. “We stay a few nights then?”
“It’s just across the border, we can stay however long we want to or need to,” Johnny suggested.
I glanced at Johnny warily. I hoped he was not going to use the opportunity to score.
“No, I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no. I’ve come too far to go back now,” he said. “42 weeks and 2 days. And counting,” he added.
It was hard to believe he had been living with us for that long. It had been a year, 42 weeks and 2 days since Daniel had gone.
“I won’t be in your hair for much longer,” he stated, as though he’d read my mind.
“No one’s asking you to leave,” I told him.
“I will be leaving but for other reasons,” he said, before indicating that he wanted to talk to me in private.
David eyed Johnny suspiciously as I walked with him into the prayer room for a quick discussion.
Door closed behind us, Johnny pulled something out of his pocket. A ring. Barely above a whisper, he stated, “I’m going to ask Sadie to marry me. I need your help to pull it off.”
I didn’t try to hide my surprise. “Whoa Johnny. Congrats?”
“Yes, I believe congrats would be in order, but hold off on the celebration as she hasn’t agreed yet,” he said, obviously concerned and not entirely sure of what Sadie’s response would be. “I’m taking a huge risk, but I figured it’s a risk worth taking. I’ve spent the last few years making stupid mistakes and taking harmful risks. I think it’s high time that I took a risk on real love.”
I’d seen the way they looked at each other, but hadn’t been aware of the romance that was blossoming between them. They’d obviously kept it well under wraps, and in my busyness, I’d failed to notice much at all.
“Say something will you?” he insisted.
“You never saw fit to marry Michaela.”
“I was too up myself to care for anyone other than myself back then,” he confessed. “Besides, some support she turned out to be. I don’t need someone like her in my life,” he said with such clarity it made me assured that the decision to wed Sadie was the right one. “So, I need your help pulling this off,” he requested again. “I need you to help with a few of the logistics,” he said. “Going over across the border is a start. She won’t know what to expect. I also need you to help me with this,” he said, running a hand through the platinum blonde blur that was his hair. “I need to have it cut and dyed back to my natural colour, dark brown,” he said, talking a mile a minute.
I smiled at him. “Of course I can help.”
“Good,” he said. “I’m really grateful. You’re a true friend,” he said, squeezing my shoulders, and giving me a tender hug, reminding me for a moment of Daniel. They hung around each other so much in the final days, their mannerisms were shared.
“No worries at all, Johnny,” I managed, tearing myself away from the memory of Daniel. It still hurt.
“I been doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be 10 years from now, and I know it’s married, with kids, and clean. This is my first step in getting there, and I’ve got you, Daniel and David to thank for it.”
Our time in Mexico was a blast. Sadie accepted Johnny’s proposal and they returned engaged and in love. On our return, David and I agreed to leave the house to them while we went back to Australia for a few months. Some time away to start anew.
Daniel had left his interests in the firm to me, and I had insisted on Johnny being a par
tner in his absence. Craig was not too happy, but he had to deal with it. I’d arranged it so that Johnny worked away from the main office in Austin. He used Daniel’s study to work files and met clients at their place of business.
While the threat of a relapse always loomed, I trusted that Johnny was in a better place than he’d been before. With Sadie, I knew he had a new hope. A new dawn was rising for him.
Johnny’s goodbye a few mornings later took me by surprise. He placed his hands on my shoulders and stated, “You’ve seen me through some tough times. You and Daniel stood by me when everyone else bailed or sat on the fence. I’m eternally grateful. You’ve been an angel to me,” he said with some sadness in his voice which I quickly picked up on.
“You give me too much credit Johnny, you got yourself through this. You were strong enough to withstand what came your way. You’ve been an amazing friend and support to me.” I paused before asking, “Why do I get the feeling you’ve got something else to say?”
“I don’t know how to put this, however I do, it’ll be difficult,” he predicted.
“Just tell me,” I insisted.
“This here is goodbye,” he said.
“What?” I questioned.
“I’m going underground for a time. This is goodbye for now.”
Goodbye. So much finality in one word. I thought of how close Johnny and I had grown over the years, and how his brief stint back in the UK had left me feeling empty and alone, after Daniel had gone. David had always been there, but with Johnny there was a longstanding history of never needing to measure up and never needing to be anyone other than ourselves.
“The expression on your face - I’m not dropping off the face of the earth. This is just for a time,” he said. “I can’t say much, but Jude will always know where I am, and I’ll always know where you are.”
I sighed deeply. After a brief pause he added, “I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry about me.” Placing his hands on my shoulders again, he said, “Let me worry about you for a change.”
Johnny being gone, I died a little inside, though I knew I would see him again someday.
My Dusk My Dawn Page 41