“I wish I knew all this David,” I told him.
“You know now,” he replied. “I was afraid you’d look at me differently. I haven’t told you what happened to me, I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Of course I look at you differently,” I told him, and watched him stiffen slightly before I explained. “I look at you differently, and I love you more.”
“I don’t need your pity,” he said, getting ready to stand up.
“This isn’t pity,” I told him, beckoning him to remain seated. “This is reverence. This is love. For a man who has spent his whole life looking out for others and putting himself last.”
“I’m not sure Daniel would have agreed,” he replied. “I know Johnny would not agree.”
“Johnny forgives you. He once told me that he looks up to you but knows he’ll never measure up. We all love you much more than you think,” I told him.
He smiled slightly. “Well, I can’t rest until I feel I’ve atoned for having left Johnny and Rafe behind.”
“I understand where you’re coming from, but atonement is not what you need to be thinking of. You were just a child. You did what you could,” I told him.
“Craig seems to think I need to atone. He’s wanting me to testify before the Royal Commission, to tell them what happened at the Mission. He’s of the opinion that this will make up for the fact that I left Johnny and Rafe behind. He says it’s the least I can do.”
I kissed my teeth in annoyance. “Craig’s a trip. How dare he try to force your hand!”
“Well, truth is, I can’t testify even if I wanted to. I’m not trying to relive what happened to us there. Craig never experienced the worst of it. He doesn’t understand why I won’t talk about it.”
“I’m sorry David,” I replied, squeezing his trembling hands. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but it’s my understanding that talking will help others, and will help put whoever did this to you away.”
“It won’t help. Especially when the men and women who did this to me are above the law,” he said.
“How so?”
“Our father.”
I felt a shiver run down my spine.
“He owned the Mission, he knew about what was going on, and from what I’ve heard he was a willing participant and oversaw the whole operation. The people who did what they did are still at large.”
What a bombshell. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought.
“So, where do we go from here?” I asked.
“Nowhere. This goes nowhere. Daniel tried to rock the boat, you saw where that landed him,” he reminded me.
“Daniel knew about what happened to you at the Mission?” I asked, surprised. He hadn’t said anything to me at all.
“He only knew as much as I told him,” David explained. “Enough to have him convinced that our father was the enemy. Only then, I did not know he knew who our father was.”
“So, you know who your father is now?” I asked.
“I’m not absolutely certain, though I might do,” he advised.
“Sounds like you do know but you’re avoiding telling me,” I remarked. “I thought we weren’t going to have any more secrets between us?”
“This is different. I want to leave things be for the time being. For your safety, and for the safety of the kids,” he explained.
“Okay,” I replied.
“Okay?” he asked.
“Okay,” I said again. “I trust your judgement. I trust you know what’s best for us all.”
“I know that, but I know you, baby. I know you’ll find it real hard to leave things be, or “leave well enough alone” as Daniel would’ve said,” he stated.
“I know,” I replied. “This is different though. I’m not trying to put any of us in jeopardy. I can’t guarantee I won’t have a word or two for Craig though.”
“Fair enough,” he said. “Before you do, remember Craig doesn’t like to be challenged or confronted. He’s always held a soft spot for you though, so… all I can say is tread carefully.”
“I will. He won’t know I’m coming,” I promised.
David smirked in response. “If you say so. Craig’s got eyes and ears everywhere.”
“No matter. He needs to be spoken to,” I insisted. “So, Daddy Dearest. Did he raise any of you?”
“He did,” David replied abruptly.
His answer surprised me. “You’ve known this for how long?”
“Not long,” he assured me. “Not long. A few days now.”
I sighed heavily in disbelief.
“He raised Jonah,” David revealed.
Yet another bombshell. Shockwaves ran through me.
“Right about now is the time to leave things be,” David cautioned. “You know what you know now, please leave things be.”
“Craig has obviously known all about this?” I assumed.
“More than likely,” David concurred. “Tread carefully.” After a momentary pause, he held my hands in his and brought them to his lips. “I love you darlin’. Thanks for loving me through this all, and for accepting me for me. I want us to focus on us now. On increasing this family of ours. I want us to have a baby of our own. I want us to forget all of this background drama and just focus on us.”
“Babe, you’ve just dropped the biggest bombshell on me, and you seem completely unaffected,” I observed.
“Mamasita, I’ve had to live with this for a long time. It doesn’t affect me the way it used to. I’ve got love now. I’ve got you.”
“You sure starting a family right now is the best thing for us to do?”
“I can’t think of a better time to do it,” he replied. “We can start our own legacy, our own pride. A piece of you, a piece of me. You know what I mean.”
I smiled widely at him. “I do.”
“So, are you on board?”
“I definitely am,” I replied. “When do we start?”
“Kids are asleep, right about now is a good time,” he stated, fondly planting kisses on my lips and cheeks.
“I love you Doctor Davenport,” I said in between kisses.
“And I you,” he replied. “Let’s do this.”
Queensland was in the throes of a local election and we felt stuck in the middle of it all. Resentment at all that was foreign was at an all-time high, and I quickly found myself a casualty of that struggle. Bargain Makers was conveniently located for a last minute dash. That morning the attitude of the store clerk threw me off guard. “Open your bag right now,” she yelled. “Open it up so I can see the contents.”
Okay? So you think I’ve lifted something from the store? I did as I was told but left the shop feeling shocked and wronged. I understood security concerns, but there was a way to be, and that was no way.
David was livid when I relayed the experience to him. “Redneck. Why can’t folk just act right. Doesn’t take much. Shame on her.” He paced briefly. “You know it’s moments like this that I consider the possibility of leaving town.”
“Baby, if I chose to leave every town based on my experiences I’d go everywhere and stay nowhere,” I told him.
David nodded tacitly. “I get it. But at least with a place like Tassie we’d largely be left alone to get on with our lives. The kids would benefit from the freedom. We’d benefit from the culture. What’s not to love about Tas?”
“Tasmania is beautiful,” I agreed. “But would we be able to truly start afresh? The bad experiences you had there growing up - will you truly be able to go back there, and be largely unaffected?”
He paused momentarily, deep in thought. “The experiences I had will always be a part of me. It’s the extent to which I’ll let those experiences impact on the rest of my life,” he stated, running a hand through his hair. “On our lives,” he added.
“What if you’re not over it at all? What if being in Tas triggers painful memories?”
“For you and the babies, I’m willing to take that risk,” he declared. “Need to face up t
o my past sooner rather than later.”
I felt for him.
“If you don’t like where we are I would gladly leave here with you,” he vowed.
“David, I value your perspective. This shouldn’t be all about me though. However if you think Tasmania is the place we should be, let’s do everything we can to get there,” I suggested.
His face lit up. “I’m glad you feel that way, darling. Cause I’ve spent so much time tryin’ to get you on side, so much time building up my confidence just to be able to convince you to be with me, and no time thinking of how I would deal with you being with me, around me, not just in my head but in my bed. I don’t feel I’m being much of anything to you these days besides trouble. I’d like the chance to show you something different. Something beautiful. I feel we can find that in Tassie.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” I told him. “You don’t have to be anything else. Just be.”
“The problem with me just being, is that I just be a terrible lover, a terrible friend and and a hopeless romantic,” he stated.
“David…”
“I’m hoping I won’t lose you, feels like I’ve waited an eternity to be with you.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “So, it has been an eternity,” I agreed. “Just know I’ll be spending the next sunrise, and the one after that, and the ones after that, with you.”
“I appreciate you saying that,” he said.
“I mean it.”
“I’m terrified of losing you,” he confessed.
“I’m not planning on going anywhere without you,” I told him.
“I hear you. At the same time, I can think of all the ways I’m not measuring up to expectation,” he said.
“Let go of that sense of expectation,” I advised. “I am living my dreams with you.”
He suddenly turned and hugged me with such force I thought I would burst. “You always know just what to say.”
I hugged him with equal force. “So, Tassie, we make it happen?”
“Sure thing,” he replied.
Tasmania it was then. We said goodbye to Queensland in the weeks that followed. Instead of driving to the Port of Melbourne and sailing over via the Spirit of Tasmania, we flew. Two hours later we were in Hobart. A cool arctic breeze greeted us on arrival. David had warned me about the cold, but I welcomed it after the uncomfortable humidity of Queensland.
29
IN HIS NAME
A faint pink line shone on the pregnancy test strip that morning. David and I grew quietly excited. We imagined who the baby would look most like. I secretly wondered whether my babies with David would look like my babies with Daniel. Our happiness was short-lived when I miscarried 10 days later. I felt broken, punished, and wronged. Had it been a mistake to start anew with David so quickly? Friends and family had not believed in our union - they felt I hadn’t mourned Daniel long enough. They failed to acknowledge that even Daniel had endorsed our union. I felt punished. Had I moved on too soon, though it had been over two years since Daniel had gone? I felt wronged. Didn’t I deserve happiness? Didn’t David deserve happiness? I started second guessing myself. Perhaps trying for a family with David was simply not the proper thing to do.
There we sat, David and I, in tears. His strong shoulders which carried so much seemed weak and heavy with the burden of our loss. Still, he held me, with such force I felt I would melt. Despite his own sadness, he carried me in my grief.
“We need to try again,” he said. “We need to pray hard for this one. It will happen in time. It will happen in His time.” After a lengthy pause, he stated, “Look, let’s not rush, let’s take this time to get to know each other more, and to focus on our other babies. I’m struggling to come to terms with this now, but I have faith it will all come together in time, when we least expect. Just have to live through this in the meantime.”
“Just have to get through this in the meantime,” I agreed, in between tears. He kissed my forehead, then rested his chin on my head. The collar of his shirt was wet from my tears. I sighed, somewhat relieved in the knowledge that I had him, and that he would go everywhere with me.
Following our loss, for months we tried to get pregnant again but couldn’t. Eventually we sought the opinion of Adrian, an obstetrician referred to us by Michael.
Tests did not reveal an inability to conceive, but rather, that we might have difficulty conceiving.
“You are aware that there was significant damage to your testicles that could’ve possibly impacted on the capacity for you to conceive?” Adrian asked David.
“I wasn’t aware of the extent of the damage,” David replied.
“Have you heard of testicular torsion?” Adrian asked.
“I’m a doctor, I have, though I’d be surprised if she has,” David joked, referring to me.
Adrian laughed awkwardly. “Well, I’ll explain for her benefit, and for yours. It looks like you sustained some significant trauma to the testicles, likely as a teenager. Perhaps a sporting injury?” Adrian presumed.
David swallowed deeply and didn’t answer. From his reaction, I could tell that the trauma wasn’t due to a sporting injury. I imagined that the trauma would’ve been sustained when he was either in the orphanage, or living on the street.
“If that trauma had been dealt with promptly, as in, if you’d had surgical intervention, there would’ve likely been no lasting damage. But because you didn’t have surgery at the time, permanent damage has occurred and this has resulted in reduced sperm production,” Adrian said.
David stared off into the distance. “What are the options?”
“I’d still recommend you try to conceive naturally,” Adrian suggested. “There is still capacity for you to conceive. The fact that you miscarried is proof of your capacity to conceive. It may just take longer than usual.”
“I’m sorry,” David apologised, turning to me.
I felt for him. “You don’t have to be sorry, David. None of this is your fault. We’ll get through this together,” I told him. His deep blue eyes glistened with tears that threatened to fall.
“I’d recommend you reduce the stress in your lives, take some time out of the busy lives you undoubtably lead. In the meanwhile, David, I’d like for you to take some multivitamins which are proven to help sperm mobility. Temwani, keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll get there in the end.”
We drove in silence on the trip back. “David, you okay?” I asked.
“I’d be lying if I said I was,” was his abrupt reply. “I’m really cut at the fact that you’re missing out on having another baby because of the condition I have,” he stated. “So much for me being able to make you happy.”
“David. I hope you know there’s much more to our relationship than us having kids together,” I said.
“I know, but I’ve dreamed about us having a family of our own for the longest time. I’ve dreamt that our kids would fill our home with laughter and joy and pretty much everything in between. I never dreamed that it wouldn’t be possible,” he said, brusquely turning off the highway to stop at the petrol station.
“You okay?” I asked, worried that he wasn’t. His hands were trembling, and it looked as though he were about to be sick.
“I just…I can’t drive right now,” he explained, pulling into an empty parking bay next to the air pump and water.
“David…”
He retched open the car door and was sick on the ground, by the front wheel.
I offered him some water, which he declined.
“I’ll drive,” I told him, offering him water again. He accepted the water this time, taking a swig and spitting it out. “You okay?” I asked again.
“I’ll be okay,” he replied. “I’ve got you by my side, I’ll be okay.”
I got out of the car, made my way over to his side and embraced him fondly. His chest heaved as silent tears fell from his eyes. I said nothing, just held him.
“It’s getting on,” he said, red-eyed. Wiping tears
off his face he stated, “I could use something warm to drink, maybe we could stop here at the servo for a bit then hit the road again?”
“Of course,” I told him. “I’ll move the car first,” I said, noting a driver behind was waiting to use the air pump.
“Just a moment,” he said, pulling out the hose and dousing the cement where he’d been sick.
My David, my love. Too considerate of others.
We popped into the café for a moment, where we ordered some tea and vegan pies to go.
“This whole area used to be bush,” he noted, speaking of the land that the petrol station now stood on.
“Lots has changed since way back when, huh?” I said.
“Lots has changed, lots has remained the same. I’m still an emotional wreck,” he said, his voice cracking slightly as he spoke.
I sat with him in silence and thought of possible solutions. Matthieu. “Adrian suggested we take some time away. Maybe we go overseas for a week or so?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t feel like doing much at all now.” He was feeling stuck. I knew the feeling all too well.
“How about we go to Paris and we get in touch with Matthieu?” I suggested.
I’d piqued his interest. “Matthieu?”
“Yes, Matthieu Bodard.”
“How do you know him?” he asked, slightly shocked.
“How doesn’t anyone know him? I did some research on him after Daniel did his little bit of digging into your past as a yogi. He’s an expert in trauma counselling - sexual trauma counselling.”
David nodded in acknowledgement. “I happened to work with him for a short period of time.”
“So, he’s more accessible than we think, yes? We may be able to contact him on a whim and he can help us?” I guessed.
My Dusk My Dawn Page 46