My Dusk My Dawn

by Henrietta Georgia

  Wanting to put the issue to rest, I stated, “David’s very conventional, which is different, but nice after being with you.”

  “Hm…tell me more?”

  “You were a freak in bed, he’s not,” I said.

  “Well, takes two,” he said, giving me a wink. “I’ve still got the memory of us, which I replay when I need to.”

  “I didn’t need to know that,” I replied.

  “Yes, you did,” he offered.

  I rolled my eyes in response. “Well, I’m with David now,” I affirmed. “And I don’t believe he would be as generous as you’ve been – allowing you to be with me again.”

  “I hear you,” he replied. “He sort of made that clear to me from the get go,” he said. “But you know me. I don’t take orders from anyone.”

  “Don’t I know that,” I replied. “You still haven’t told me the short and tall of the story of why you want me to take the kids to Switzerland, now.”

  “I will,” he replied. “Soon enough. Get some rest now before David starts wondering where you’re at. A lot of things done changed since we been together. I’m trouble now,” he announced.

  In a swift move, he got up, gently swept up the hair at the back of my head, planted a kiss on the nape of my neck and whispered, “Go to bed now, before you end up in a world of trouble.” He then walked off without looking back.

  I sat there in the kitchen for a lingering moment after he’d gone, exhilarated, yet at the same time feeling as though I’d been stripped bare, used and owned. I was with David now, but Daniel was still my lawfully wedded husband. On paper at least.

  I needed to remind myself of how I felt and face facts. He’d left us, the children and I, to fend for ourselves. David had been there for us, and had been so good to us. Being with Daniel meant fire, passion and resignation to what he wanted me to be. Being with David meant constancy, reverence and freedom to be who I wanted to be. I knew what I needed. And no one could convince me otherwise. Or so I thought.

  32

  WUTHERING STORMS

  “Look at this here buddy. Always take your hat off by the crown. Never handle it by the brim,” he advised. An intrigued Josiah looked on. “Look here – take it off like so,” he said, removing his hat by the crown with his left hand. “Now, try it.”

  My heart warmed as I watched them bonding. At long last.

  That afternoon, we sat on the veranda, a pot of herbal tea between us. Just like old times. Storm, our Husky, sat there with us, at Daniel’s feet.

  “How’d you manage to get a Husky that looks just like Stormie?” he asked, referring to Josiah’s stuffed toy. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

  I smiled, recalling Josiah’s face when David and I had gifted him with Storm the Christmas gone by. “Dave and I searched high and low without any success, then one day we noticed an ad on Gumtree - you know Gumtree?”

  “No…, but go on,” he urged.

  “Anyway, a young family was moving overseas and needed to give their puppy a home. The rest is history,” I explained.

  “Sounds like it was meant to be. Josiah must’ve been over the moon,” Daniel said, patting Storm on the head. He licked Daniel’s hand then rested loyally at his feet.

  “He’s a pretty good dog - not a great guard dog, but he’s been good to me. Loyal even.”

  “Yes, so I discovered. He was getting in trouble for disappearing for time. Little did I know he was keeping you company there in the woods,” I said.

  Daniel laughed heartily. “He even managed to sneak a chicken bone or two my way a couple of times.”

  “Oh no,” I said. “Sharing his food?” I asked. “Do we need to think of de-worming you?”

  He laughed again. “Probably.” He wasn’t joking.

  “Yuck,” I thought aloud. “He was getting into quite some trouble for snatching food off the bench. Now we know why.”

  “Yep, now you know,” Daniel said, the laugh lines on his face and sea blue eyes warming my heart. I’d missed him terribly, and now that he was here with me again, I wanted to be back with him.

  “Daniel, I wish you weren’t out there on your own all this time. Four whole years. You could’ve come back to us earlier.” I found myself softening towards him the more we talked.

  “I could’ve,” he replied. “But I saw how happy you were. Didn’t want to take that away from you.”

  “You’re saying that, but you’re here now. Same thing, non?”

  “Non, c’est pas la même chose. It’s different now. I’ve had a long time to think about us, and I realised I can’t live without you. Can’t bear the thought of you being with someone else any more. I came back to show you how much I care. How much I truly love you, want you, and need you. Plus, we are still married.”

  “So you keep on reminding me.”

  “Well, that’s facts. Look, I know this here situation is a mess. I wish it wasn’t. I’m livin’ each day as it comes, never knowin’ when I’ll be picked up or turned in…,” he broke off, staring off into the distance. “I’m pretty tired of livin’ on the run. Pretty tired of livin’ my life with you and the babies at a distance. This is the closest I’ve come to bein’ happy in a long time, and I have the feelin’ it won’t last.”

  “I’m sorry Daniel,” I told him. “Sorry things worked out like this. If I’d just held off getting involved with David after you’d gone…”

  “Don’t apologise. You waited long enough to be with David. Didn’t help that I was urging you on.”

  “I know. Why did you anyway? Seems counterintuitive if you ask me,” I stated.

  “Well, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when I was recovering from the tumour, and Craig made it seem like I’d never be able to return, so I just did as he said and stayed away. Up until I knew better, and found out I could return,” he explained.

  Craig. Hate was a strong word, but I was starting to hate Craig with a passion.

  I listened intently, nodding on cue. Husband. I had to continually break gaze with him in conversation, since he made no attempt to hide the fact that he still lusted after me.

  “Man I’ve hungered for you,” he said all of a sudden, speaking what I already knew. “Since I’ve been back, have you been keeping your legs closed for me?” he asked suddenly. I gasped in shock, and he smiled wickedly. “It’s a legitimate question. I’m back now, and only I have the right to be with you, as your husband,” he insisted.

  “Daniel, please don’t talk like that to me, not now.”

  “You mean, please don’t be honest?” he asked cordially. “Whyever not? We have a history together, we shared a life together, we got married and had kids together, I can’t get myself to not want you anymore, just because of this here arranged marriage of yours.”

  I scoffed in response. “Arranged marriage?” I asked. “You have the nerve to come here, back from the dead, after pushing David and I together to suit your purposes, and talk pretty to me.”

  “Come on now, I ain’t talking pretty to you. I’m fixin’ ta talk dirty to you,” he said.

  I shook my head in response and got up to leave. He got up as well, and stood to intercept my path. “Look, I get carried away sometimes. Most times. You should know me by now.”

  “I thought I did.”

  “I don’t mean you any harm. You know me, I’ve always been a jealous guy. I’ve always been a little bit selfish,” he acknowledged.

  “A little?” I asked, sarcastically.

  He laughed in response. “Yeah, just a little,” he stated. “You know, funny enough, though I hated it when we were together, one of the things I missed most about us being together was our daily banter.”

  “Banter, ha!,” I replied. “Is that what you’re calling it these days?”

  “Yeah, banter. My memory serves me well. Rapartee, raillery, crosstalk, sallies, quips, ripostes…”

  I giggled in response. “Okay, hold up Mr. Walking Thesaurus. Hold up.”

  He laughed back. “You a
skin’ an officer of the law to hold up?” he asked. “Ain’t nothing right about that,” he joked, and ended up once again staring at me longingly. It was he who broke the gaze this time and took a step back. “Tu me manques, Temwani,” he stated. “I really miss you like crazy.”

  An unexpected sigh escaped my lips before I spoke. “Daniel, I miss you too, but things are different now. We can’t go back to what we were,” I said. The look of disappointment on his face was apparent. “But you’re here now. We can try to be happy somehow else. Are you happy?”

  “What’s it to ya,” he replied, clearly hurt.

  “You matter to me. Your happiness is important to me, and all you do and feel matters to me.”

  He hesitated before replying. “Happy, no. Thankful, yes. Thankful that we’re here, talking. Thankful that I can finally spend time with our kids. Thankful that the tumour didn’t kill me. Thankful but not happy. Happiness is relative,” he claimed. “My happiness is tied to you, and your happiness is tied to him. So, thankful, yes. Happy, no.”

  “Daniel, you make it all sound very conclusive.”

  “Well, it is, isn’t it?” he asked. “It’s black and white, no gray areas. You’re with him, not with me,” he said. “That’s facts. I had imagined a reunion that involved us getting acquainted with each other again. One that involved me demanding my dues as your husband. One that involved you enjoying me wholly and taking me back as you can’t live without me. I imagined a lot of things, but I realize now that it’s all fantasy. Turns out you can live without me. Problem is, I can’t live without you,” he said, wincing as though in physical pain. “It physically hurts being without you,” he said, staring deeply into me. “I didn’t know love could hurt this bad.”

  My heart hurt, and in that moment, I wished things were different.

  Changing tone, he promised, “I’m not here to rain on your parade. I’m here to wish you well,” he said.

  “I find that hard to believe,” I replied.

  “I needed for you to see me again.”

  “I’ve seen you, you’ve seen me, now what?” I questioned.

  “If I can’t be with you, I’d rather be alone,” he said.

  “You’re being dramatic Daniel. Of course you’ll find someone else to love one day.”

  “I know I won’t,” he said. “Sugarpie, there are ways to be and there are ways not to be. This here is no way to be,” he claimed. “But it ain’t like I got a choice. I did this to myself.”

  “Daddy!!!” Adalia yelled, bounding towards us. Daniel immediately stood up and scooped her into his arms. I could tell just how much she loved being the centre of attention. “I bet she puts on this huge princess act, yet she’s tough when it comes to her brother,” Daniel guessed. “I’m betting she’d stand up to anyone who tries to mess with her brother,” he said.

  “Hm…,” I pondered. He knew his daughter well. His statement made me think of all the people who’d violently opposed a union between David and I.

  “You would’ve been proud to know you had a huge fan club – so many people stood up for you and opposed David and I being together.”

  “Is that right, now!” he stated, not sounding surprised at all.

  “Yes, and in the end, it nearly never happened. Claudette would’ve made sure of it.”

  He laughed lightly in response, his smile widening by the minute. “Claudette, ey?”

  “Yes, Claudette,” I replied, not amused at his casual attitude where she was concerned. “I’m not sure I like her at all,” I told him. “She doesn’t appear to like me much either. I get the distinct impression she’s judging me, all the time. Johnny later told me that you were keeping acquaintances with her before you left us. I wish you’d stay away from her, she doesn’t appear to be good news.”

  “Don’t mind her,” Daniel said. “She’s just a little overprotective,” he claimed.

  “Hm. I wonder why,” I stated, knowing he was keeping secrets. My dislike of Claudette had markedly increased since the time she’d almost managed to convince me that David was making plans to be with someone else. Someone special. Little did she know, that someone special was me.

  “She’s a little overprotective of her brothers,” Daniel said nonchalantly.

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning just that,” Daniel stated. “She’s my baby sister,” he confirmed.

  I gasped in response and felt the babies within me kick hard. A kick was visible from the outside.

  “Whoa,” Daniel said, placing a hand on my belly, which he kept there for a while before letting go. “I don’t mean to upset you,” he said. “There’s more.”

  I braced myself for whatever else he had to say. “Some of us in the Brotherhood – David, Jonah, Craig, Scott…we are all brothers. Duayne included.”

  I felt sick to my stomach at the mention of Duayne’s name.

  “That sorry excuse of a father was a busy man,” he added, by way of explanation.

  My throat suddenly felt tight. “Does David know?”

  “He knows about Claudette. I told him after his stint in the hospital. About the other guys in the Brotherhood, no. I figured Craig’s the only one who knew this all along, that’s why he made every effort over the years to bring us all together. I do plan to tell David the rest,” he added. “Sooner rather than later,” he promised.

  The news hit me like a brick, and I took a deep breath as I tried to fully appreciate the gravity of the news. Meanwhile, Daniel carried on. “I owe a lot to Claudette, she’s been instrumental in having a lot of things happen,” he said. “If it wasn’t for Claudette, I’d be even deeper up shit’s creek than I am already. I’d be doin’ it tougher than I already am, if it weren’t for her,” he said. “She taught me a whole lot about survivin’ and livin’ off the land. She’s a force to be reckoned with. I learnt a lot about livin’, and ways to be. If I knew her way back when we were together, she would’ve given me a good a talkin’ to, and we’d still be together. So, next time you see her, try to make nice, will you?” he requested. “Do it for me, please,” he added, sensing my reluctance.

  I nodded and took it all in. “So, I have a sister in law,” I stated.

  “You’ll probably find she’s a lot more like a sister than a sister in law,” he said.

  I disagreed. “I don’t know about that Daniel. She was pretty nasty when it came to me being with David.”

  He laughed briefly before stating, “Look, she’s just got my back. She’d rather see you with me than with him. She knew I was still alive at the time – was only tryin’ ta fix things up for me. Didn’t work unfortunately,” he said, regrettably.

  “Hm…”

  “She can’t stand David’s position of forgiveness when it comes to that man who unfortunately happens to be our father. So for as long as he continues to support Daddy Dearest, she won’t have anything good to say to him.”

  “Well, David will be David,” I stated. “He just so happens to have a big heart.”

  “Yep, Claudette and I are not so forgiving,” he said abruptly. “Nor are any of the other brothers. Which is why I need you to get to Switzerland, now.”

  “David needs to know everything before any such plans are made,” I warned.

  “Right,” he replied. I could tell that letting David know was the least of his priorities. He would have told him earlier otherwise. “Soon as he gets back, I’ll talk to him,” he vowed.

  No such thing, when the time came. When David came home, Daniel was otherwise engaged, and avoided David like the plague. He seemed to constantly be in the business of avoiding David. I took the chance to call Shania. I needed to speak with someone. I needed to share what I was going through, but knew I couldn’t. Still, speaking with her in general terms, would help.

  Shania picked up on the first ring, as though she’d been sitting on the phone. I put her on speaker phone as I walked around the kitchen, preparing dinner.

  “So, what’s happening in your neck of the woods?” s
he asked.

  “Well, we got that fireplace of ours working, finally. Chimney Sweep was here this morning, he fixed it good.”

  “Chimney Sweep!,” she exclaimed. “Did you kiss him?”

  “What?” I asked, hearing my voice echoing down the line.

  “Did you kiss him! It’s good luck to kiss a Chimney Sweep, don’t you know?” she insisted.

  I laughed heartily in response. “That may be the case, but it’s bad luck to kiss anyone other than your significant other,” I replied.

  “Yeah, yeah. Coulda’ done it on my behalf!” she insisted.

  “Yeah, I’m sure your husband wouldn’t have been too happy about that!” I said.

  “Well, I don’t think he’d notice to be honest. He’s been rather distracted lately,” she said. I could hear the concern in her voice.

  “Distracted, how?” I asked. I was curious. Jonah, aka The Muscle, didn’t seem the type to be distracted.

  “I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve asked him and he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. It’s like he’s spooked or something.”

  “Hm…,” I thought aloud as David walked in and sat at the kitchen bar. He’d caught the tail end of our conversation.

  “Like, he should be excited we’ve gotten married, and that we have another baby on the way, but he’s acting all scared and just…well, it’s a little out of character for him. I haven’t known him all that long but what I do know of him doesn’t fit this behavior.”

  “I’ll talk to him,” David offered, clearly eavesdropping on our conversation.

  “Hear that Shania?” I asked.

  “Yep,” she replied. “Thanks so much David, you’re a standup guy.”

  “Don’t mention it,” he replied. “How’s everything going with bub?”

  “Sorry?”

  “The baby?” David and I said in unison before smiling at each other. I was practically Aussie now.

  “The baby is fine…,” Shania broke off, in tears. He’d hit a raw nerve. “Baby is fine, I just miss my best friend,” she said. Tears came to my eyes as I heard her break down over the phone.