Memoirs of a Guardian Angel

by Graham Downs

  Dennis asked her if she wanted to leave.

  "No," she said. "This is nice. Thank you for listening. Sorry for offloading on you like that." She picked up her lobster and broke it open with her hands. Then she realised she wasn't sure how to eat it, so she put it down again. Dennis just grinned at her.

  She blushed. "But let's change the subject," she said. "Tell me about yourself."

  "Well, I've always known I wanted to be a doctor," he began. He told her about medical school, and how for him, it was all about making a difference in people's lives. Many of the other students just wanted to pull girls, but that was never his thing. Besides, he confessed, he always had trouble talking to girls, and his fellow students would often pick on him because of it.

  Eve listened attentively, nodding and patting his arm sympathetically. She let him talk. It seemed like the least she could do. But it felt as though he were holding back something, that his school years were more painful than he'd let on.

  "Dessert?" he asked when they'd finished their food.

  She pushed her plate away and shook her head. "Nuh-uh. That was wonderful, but I really couldn't eat another bite."

  "As you wish, my lady," he said, and chuckled. Then he called the waiter over. "May we have the bill, please?"

  ***

  When Dennis dropped Eve off at home, he was again the perfect gentleman. He got out of his car, walked around to the passenger door, opened it, and helped her out of the car. Then he walked her to her front door.

  Standing at the front door, Eve looked up at his face. At first, it seemed as though he was leaning in for a kiss, but then he pulled back.

  "Well, that was fun," he said. "Thank you for joining me."

  "Thanks for inviting me."

  There was that almost-kiss again. Eve wasn't sure how she would've reacted if he had tried. It had only been a friendly dinner, after all. Still, it would've been nice to know that he wanted to.

  She opened her mouth, about to invite him in for a cup of coffee, when he spoke again.

  "I'd best be off. Are you going to be okay all alone?"

  No, you dolt, she wanted to say. I want you to come inside, to spend a couple more hours with me, at least. Then, see what happens.

  But she didn't say any of those things. All she said was, "Ja, thanks. I'll be fine."

  He took her hand, and she thought he would at least kiss that, but he didn't. He just shook it and said, "Well, goodbye then. See you at work tomorrow."

  Then he left.

  Eve's heart fluttered as she watched the car drive out of sight. She opened her front door and stepped inside. The house was dark and empty. It was past eleven, and for a second she expected to hear Aiden's soft snoring coming from the bedroom, but all was silent. She walked into the bedroom, flicked on the light, and got ready for bed.

  Twenty minutes later, she was fast asleep, visions of Doctor Dennis Wilson filling her dreams.

  ***

  Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive jolted her awake. Her cellphone screen glowing brightly on the bedside table. Picking it up, she saw two things: Aiden was calling, and it was three in the morning.

  Instinctively, she answered the phone.

  "Aiden, what's wrong?"

  Aiden's angry voice, slurred from some kind of drug-induced stupor, shot back at her. "What's wrong, you stupid bitch, is that you went on a date tonight. A date! With that dork? Have you no shame?"

  Eve let out an exasperated sigh. "Aiden, I have a right to spend some time with a friend. And how do you know? Are you stalking me?"

  "Call it what you want. I have a right to know what my fucking girlfriend's doing when I'm not around."

  "Aiden, are you high?" Eve was trembling now. "You know what, it doesn't matter. We're taking a break. I need a break. And I can't do this right now. We'll talk later. Bye."

  Eve hung up, still trembling. She'd heard stories before of jilted ex-lovers going over the edge and doing stupid things. She really hoped Aiden wouldn't turn out to be one of those.

  The phone rang again. Still Aiden. She rejected the call and switched off the phone.

  She dropped it back onto her bedside table, buried her head in her pillow, and sobbed herself back to sleep.

  ***

  Eve's alarm clock went off two and a half hours later. She woke up and discovered her head felt like someone was knocking her brain around with a sledgehammer. Her first thought was that she hadn't drunk that much last night. Two glasses of wine at the most. But then she remembered the phone call. She switched on her phone. Three more missed calls from Aiden. One voicemail. She dialled in and listened to it:

  "Baby, I'm so sorry. I never meant to talk to you that way. Please call me back. You know, I've told you before that I believe in guardian angels. I believe there's been one looking out for us, and you have your own personal one too. I felt him last night. I nee—"

  The message cut off. Aiden's thirty seconds were up. There were no more messages. He'd sounded pretty high, so Eve surmised that he must've fallen asleep after that.

  She briefly considered calling him back, but she really still couldn't face talking to him. Besides, she needed to get to work. Maybe a bit later in the day, if he gave her some space, she might feel ready.

  She arrived at work an hour later. Simone was waiting for her, and pounced the second she walked in the door.

  "And? How was it? Did he? Did you? I want to hear everything. Spill it, sister!"

  Eve chuckled and waved her away. "Nothing much to tell. Dennis was the perfect gentleman. We had a nice dinner, he dropped me off at home, and that was that."

  "Dennis? Oh, we're on a first-name basis now, are we? Well, that just won't do. Tell me more, honey."

  "Maybe later." Eve chuckled. "Right now, we need to get back to work."

  Nothing much happened that day. The most exciting patient they had was a middle-aged lady who had called an ambulance to drive her to the hospital because she had a stomach ache. It turned out to be nothing more than mild indigestion.

  Dennis attended on that case, while Eve assisted. He was the picture of professionalism; other than the occasional knowing look he shot her way, nobody would ever have guessed that they were any more than work colleagues.

  Aiden tried to phone her at least five more times, and each time she rejected the call. She was getting angrier and angrier, and by the third time, she'd made up her mind that she would not be talking to him today.

  ***

  Eventually, she got a smoke break, and decided to listen to her messages. She snuck out, trying not to let Simone see her. Her friend would still have a thousand questions about last night, and she wanted to be alone.

  She sat down on the concrete bench, lit up a cigarette, and dialled her voicemail.

  "You have four new messages.

  "First message:

  "Baby, it's Aiden. Did you get my message last night? I really need to talk to you. Please call me back.

  "Next message:

  "Eve, I'm sure you're swamped at work, but we need to talk. I wasn't joking about the guardian angel thing.

  "Next message:

  "Listen here, you stupid fucking bitch. If you don't call me back right now—"

  Eve pressed 7 on her phone's keypad.

  "Message deleted. Next Mess—"

  She hung up. She couldn't hear any more.

  Simone came outside and lit up a cigarette. She noticed the tears welling up in Eve's eyes.

  "What's wrong, babe? Did Doctor Wilson say something?"

  "No, it's not that," said Eve, and dried her eyes with a tissue. "I don't want to talk about it."

  Simone sat down next to her and patted her on the knee. "Well then, you don't have to. What are friends for, anyway? So, tell me more about last night."

  Eve chuckled. "Last night was actually perfect. Just what I needed. He was the perfect gentleman, like I said. We just talked and talked. He told me all about his life, and I told him all about mine."

  "All
about yours?" Simone raised an eyebrow.

  "You mean Aiden. Yes, he knows all about it."

  "And that didn't scare him away? Girl, you've got a keeper."

  Eve laughed heartily for the first time in days. She stood up and stubbed out her cigarette. "Well, I should really be getting back to work."

  ***

  Another four missed calls and two voicemails later (which she didn't bother listening to), Eve arrived home, exhausted and livid with Aiden. How dare he presume to talk to her like that. It's not like he owned her. Not now, not ever.

  She opened the door, expecting the house to be empty. Only it wasn't. The TV was on. She glanced over at the couch and saw Aiden sitting there.

  "Aiden, what are you—"

  But then she looked closer. His eyes were rolled back in his head, staring eerily at the ceiling. There was a needle sticking out of his left arm, and just above it, a brown rubber tube was wound tightly around his bicep.

  Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

  The words just kept repeating in her mind, over and over. I couldn't get a read on what else she might be thinking, she was so panicked.

  She darted over to him and pressed her fingers against his neck. No pulse.

  Now it was my turn to panic. What had I done? This woman was my charge, I was supposed to be keeping her safe. I'd really messed this one up, hadn't I?

  Eve pressed her lips against Aiden's and breathed. His mouth was cold. His lips were purple. She pounded on his chest, screaming at him, calling him all sorts of names, begging him to wake up.

  He never did.

  Finally, Eve collapsed onto the floor. Tears streaming down her face, breathing heavily. The man she'd spent the past ten years with was gone.

  As her breathing began to slow, she noticed a piece of paper lying on a coffee table, a pen resting beside it. She picked it up and began to read:

  My dear Eve. These past ten years spent with you have been the best years of my life. I'm sorry to have disappointed you so. I'm also sorry that I kept myself a key. I feel as though my guardian angel has failed me, and yours has failed you. I can't live in a world where you don't want me anymore. Goodbye.

  It wasn't like Aiden to be so formal. By the time Eve had finished reading, she was sobbing bitterly. And if I could, I'd be sobbing right along with her.

  An idea sparked in her mind.

  Well then, Aiden, if you can't live without me, I can't live without you. How do you like that?

  She rushed to the bedroom and flung open Aiden's cupboard. She opened the safe, hoping that he'd forgotten to take the revolver. I was hoping against hope that he hadn't forgotten.

  But he had. Eve pulled it out and, with her hands shaking, opened her mouth and wrapped her lips around the barrel.

  No, oh please, no! I screamed.

  Goodbye Aiden.

  Dennis' face briefly flashed through her mind. She felt the tiniest pang of regret and had time to wonder what he would think.

  She pulled the trigger anyway.

  PART II

  Chapter Seven

  Do you remember me saying that I wished we guardian angels got to see how our wards' stories ended up?

  Well, I take it back. I don't remember my mortal life, but I'm convinced that losing Eve was the worst thing to have ever happened to me. It's certainly the worst thing that's ever happened to me as an angel.

  When she pulled that trigger, I felt like I was being ripped apart inside. I didn't have time to dwell on it, though, because that hated spiral quickly engulfed my vision. I wondered what I could have done to save Eve, and then I wondered what my next assignment would be.

  But when the spiral dissipated, I saw nothing but blackness. I blinked a few times and could make out, all around me, vaguely humanoid shapes, outlined in all blue. I was back in the World Beyond the Veil.

  The black void again stretched out under my feet, and I felt alone.

  "Hey, Adam!" John, my trainer, called me over from the other side of what can only be described as a plaza.

  Struggling to once again adjust to the strange form of locomotion, I made my way over to him.

  "It's good to see you, Adam," said John. "But I only wish it was under better circumstances."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I'm really sorry about Eve. We were watching on the training screen. But that's not the worst of it. I'm afraid you've been placed under suspension. No more assignments for you until you've stood before the Tribunal."

  "The Tribunal?" I asked, incredulous. "What on Earth is that?"

  "Not Earth, my friend. Not Earth. They set the rules for us guardians. And you've been charged with negligence of a ward under your care."

  "What? Negligence? What could I have done?"

  "I don't know all the details. I'm guessing their argument is that you could've changed reality so the gun wasn't there. Maybe even done something earlier, so it never got to that in the first place."

  I stared at John and blinked. "But John, I tried. I really tried. Do you think I wanted her to die? No matter how hard I focused, I couldn't will the gun out of that safe."

  John put his ethereal hand on my shoulder. "I know, Adam. Don't worry, I'm with you. We'll work this out. I promise we will."

  ***

  "So," I asked John, as we sat quietly in his office. "Tell me more about this 'Tribunal'."

  "They set the rules, as I said. And they enforce them rigorously. If they think you let a mortal die due to negligence, you could be in for a lot of trouble."

  I wrung my hands nervously, unable to believe what was happening. "W-what kind of trouble?"

  "Best we not dwell on that now." John's voice was soft, sympathetic. "Their envoy could collect you for the trial at any moment. We need to figure something out. Let's start at the end and work backwards. What can you tell me about the gun?"

  Remembering was difficult. It was all a haze. When I tried to recall those last moments before Eve pulled the trigger, all I felt was sadness and helplessness. I told John so.

  John patted my shoulder. "It's understandable that you don't remember. And in this case, it's probably a good thing. I watched the playback, and I felt you willing Eve to not find that gun. The fact that you feel such regret now implies that you never meant for any of this to happen."

  I was about to respond when we were interrupted by a knock on the door.

  In walked a female angel. Here in The World Beyond, her body was an incorporeal, translucent blue, but still, I recognised that face. This was Liz, the one I'd seen on the screen during those first days of my training.

  "You must be Adam." She grabbed my hand and shook it furiously. "Sorry to disturb, but I'm back on a bit of leave, and I heard about you. Being trained by John, eh? Well, I can tell you that John's the best. He taught me everything he knows. Welcome to the team."

  John blushed. "You really think I'm the best?"

  "Of course I do," said Liz. "Anyway, they say you tried to emulate me on the roof of a car; it looks like I have a fan! I'm pleased to meet you."

  "Liz, Adam. Adam, Liz," introduced John. "It's good to see you, Liz, but I'm afraid now's not a good time. Adam here's in a bit of a jam, and we don't have much time."

  "Oh, really? What kind of jam?"

  John was about to tell Liz something like "None of your business", but I put my hand up.

  "It's okay, John. Everyone will know soon enough. A woman—the woman I was meant to be protecting—died on my last assignment, and now the Tribunal's charging me with negligence."

  Liz's eyes opened wide. She took a step back and put her hand on her chest. "Negligence? Gee, that's bad. If you're found guilty, you'll probably never be allowed in the field again. If they want to be especially mean, you could even be banished from here altogether and sent to the other place."

  John and I gulped in unison. My voice was a whisper when I responded. "The... other place?"

  Liz perked up. "Oh, but don't worry. I'm sure that won't happen to you. You seem like a
good guy, and I'm sure it's just a huge misunderstanding."

  She got up to leave. "Well, let me not keep you. I wish you the very best of luck, and I promise to keep you in my thoughts."

  With that, she gave a flourish and scurried out the door.

  ***

  John spent the next few hours grilling me about the events that happened during my assignment with Eve. From Aiden's drug problem, to the job offer, to Eve's dinner with Dennis, and to the eventual overdose and suicide.

  John knew everything already, it seemed. He told me he'd watched the recording of my assignment so many times it was ingrained into his memory, and he wanted to make sure that my account matched up. I still couldn't remember much, but as he spoke, things slowly started coming back to me. Even so, my most vivid recollections were emotions. Mostly pain and helplessness, but occasionally glimmers of joy, particularly when Eve was spending time with her friend Simone, and of course during her meal with the good Doctor Wilson.

  I asked John if he thought it was a good idea to let me see the recording, but he shook his head, saying that he didn't want my recollection to become polluted by the facts. Whatever that was supposed to mean. He said that if I physically saw myself in those moments, I might start thinking I felt things I hadn't really felt.

  I had my doubts, but I let it go. John had trained countless guardians, after all, while I was barely out of training.

  "John," I asked at length, "why exactly do you believe me?"

  "What do you mean?" asked John.

  "Well, you've seen the same things as the Tribunal, and they believe I'm guilty of negligence. Or at least, they think there's enough evidence to warrant suspicion. Yet, you don't seem to doubt me for a second. Why is that?"

  "I've spent a lot of time with you, Adam. During your training, I could tell you really cared about these mortals. I watched both your assignments, and I saw how hard you worked for Rebecca. And it's plain to me now how deeply Eve's death affected you. I just don't think you would've let that happen if you hadn't done everything you possibly could to stop it."

  I opened my mouth to respond, but he cut me off.

  "Besides, I know what negligence looks like. I... one of my trainees let somebody die, long ago. He was brought before the Tribunal and found guilty. I knew he did it, and I stood by and watched as they did terrible things to him. You, my boy, were not negligent. And I will not see them do the same things to you."