Shameful (The Shameless Trilogy Book 2)

by M. Malone

  "He's the one who told me you’re in danger. He's also the man responsible for turning me into a killer. Sure, it wasn't by his hand directly. But saving him that night put me on a particular path. One I didn't quite know how to get off of. One I didn't want to get off of."

  "He was an assassin, too?"

  Noah nodded. "He got hurt on the job. I won’t bore you with the details but I dragged him to a safe place to lie low. My friends and I would use it to stash the stolen goods we usually grabbed. It was an abandoned studio no one ever went to. The building was pretty much condemned. I don't even know how I managed it because he was in a bad way.

  “But I managed to half-carry, half-drag him over there. I kept an eye on him. He had some nasty knife wounds. But he walked me through the whole first-aid thing. It was my first battle triage." He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be my last. Anyway, I brought him food and water for the next couple of days after. Once he was on the mend, he asked for my help to get him to a safe house. From there, my life completely changed. Rafe was assigned as my partner. Assigned to teach me, to look out for me. Honestly, I don't think your brother was too enthusiastic about that at first. But then he sort of took to it. I guess he already had practice being a big brother to you."

  She shook her head. "I still can’t get over the fact that you're telling me that you and my brother were assassins."

  "I don't want to tell you any of this. I know how you already look at me. I know how you’ll look at me when I finish telling you everything. I’m doing that with eyes wide open because right now, if I don't tell you, you won’t be able to protect yourself if you need to."

  She stared at him. "So what happened to Rafe? I know that you were the one who shot him. But why? If he was like your brother, why would you kill him? Why do that to me? To Nonna?"

  Noah stopped directly in front of her. He sat on the edge of the bed so he could meet her gaze. "That day I had a target. And so you know, I won’t be using names right now. I'm trying to keep you as shielded from this I can. The target was a major player in a drug cartel. Until then, no one had been able to get close enough to take either him or his boss out. The word was that the head of the cartel was no longer the man in charge, but rather a puppet. Word was that our target was the real man in charge.

  “The way my former employers used to work, when a government organization couldn't do the legal thing, they’d call us to do the shadow thing. All I knew was that I had my orders. For years, everyone had been trying to get in with the cartel leader. And I finally found an easy way in. His daughter. That part was easier than I thought. She was young. About my age when I started. Seventeen, barely. I managed to talk my way into her school when they were having a sports day. Hundreds of students from other schools were there. It was easy to get past the security. I chatted her up, and the next thing she knew, we were dating. Just a few weeks, all very innocent. But she wanted me to meet her father, and that was my in. It was a risk, sending me in with a gun. So, we managed it with a 3-D one. For several days, I sent her presents with parts of the gun hidden in the boxes and the wrappings. When I finally went to her house, I asked her to bring me everything I had sent her, including the specially made bullets. None of it was metal, so even if the security guards used the wand metal detector on me, they wouldn’t have found it. It was brilliant."

  The horror froze on Lucia's face. "But Noah, you could've been killed.”

  "I am very well aware of that. In truth, I had no business being there. I’d done more than a few jobs with Rafe. That's how we worked, two-man teams. When one fell, there was a backup built-in.”

  He tried not to take her shuddering too personally. It was a wonder she wasn’t running away from him with her hair on fire.

  "I begged the higher-ups in the organization for solo jobs. I wanted to prove myself. Everyone kept talking about how much of a natural I was. How good I was at all of it. You needed someone to run a deception plan; I was your guy. You wanted someone to run surveillance; I was good at not being seen. You name it, I could be that guy. And I wanted to prove myself. In our organization, failure was not tolerated. I wanted to show my worth outside of Rafe. So I volunteered. In truth it was too big a job for just one of us. It should have been a two-man job. I was no doubt going to get myself killed. But I didn’t see it that way. Get in, take out the target, and get out. All I had to do was finish the job." Noah hung his head in shame. “I was cocky. That's what got your brother killed.”

  "Why did you shoot him?" Her voice quivered.

  Before Noah knew what was happening, the sorrow and grief he’d been holding back all this time bubbled to the surface. His eyes stung and he worked to hold back the tears. But they wouldn't be dammed. He had to get it all out. He had to tell her the truth.

  "I honestly don't know what happened. It was simple. The plan was go in with the girl, which I managed. Meet her father. Stick around. It was his birthday celebration. Take out the target, egress through to the south side where there was a boat waiting. Simple. But that's not how it worked out.”

  “What went wrong?”

  “Sure, I made it in the house. Sure, I met her father. While everyone was drinking and laughing at his 70th birthday party, I had my target in sight. He’d slipped away from the party. I followed him. I'd already taken care of the cameras, so no one would see me in the security feed. What I didn't count on was Rafe. I didn't count on him coming into the courtyard and stepping in front of my bullet. He didn't want me to do it. I can still hear him screaming, ‘No. Noah don't.’"

  He shook his head. "I hear that over and over and over again. I never understood why. But I was in such a hurry to prove myself. No, in a hurry to prove that I could do the job. That I deserved every chance to come my way. I had a target. Our targets were the scum of the earth. I was doing my job. I was being the good soldier." He sighed. "Or so I thought. I never expected Rafe to jump in front of that gun. I never expected that bullet to hit him. It's a nightmare I live with every single day. Seeing my best friend go down. Seeing the man who trained me, the man who loved me like a brother or father would. Knowing I was the one responsible."

  Lucia sat forward. "What happened from there? All I know is that I shot you. I don't remember anything else."

  "After I shot Rafe, my target was on the run. He immediately started to bolt, and I should've gone after him but I couldn't. I couldn't leave my best friend lying there. Before I could even move there was the crack of another gunshot, but this one came from the wrong direction. A direction I didn't expect. That one came from you.”

  “I’d followed him. I heard the gunshots,” she whispered.

  “With the pain of the bullet, I knew that I absolutely deserved what was happening. But then in my peripheral vision, I saw that it was you. I knew there was no way Rafe would've wanted you to see what you'd seen. He wouldn’t have wanted you anywhere near that mess. By that time, the gunshots had alerted the guards and they were coming toward us. I couldn't let them find you." He glanced at her and then dropped his head into his hands. "I saw you collapse. I knew your brother was gone, so I went directly for you. I had to keep you safe. It's what he would have wanted. He wouldn’t want those monsters with their hands on you."

  Lucia shuddered again, her eyes going vacant while her mind tried to put the pieces together. "Oh my God. You made sure I got home?"

  He nodded solemnly. "I failed my mission. And Rafe was down. I’d hit him dead center mass with three bullets. I’d fucked up. But I could get to you. So I made the choice; I chose you instead of Rafe. I took you to the south side, to my exit. I knew my people would be looking for me. Wanting to know what happened, switching the boat to the opposite side of the island. You were so out of it. Complete and total shock. I wasn’t sure if you knew what was happening. You were practically catatonic at that point. I didn't know what else to do, so I took you to the safest place I could think of. The ice cream place at the Wingate Hotel. That was where one of the island’s only payphones was. I called
the police, and I called the Feds for you. As soon as you were safe I went back for him. But the place was already crawling with cops. From that point on, all I could do was follow the usual protocol— get back on my egress route, and have my people get me out of there. But I made sure you were safe first."

  Lucia dragged in shallow breaths. "I couldn’t remember any of it. I blocked it all out. For years, I asked you what happened."

  He swiped at his eyes. "I’m so sorry I had to lie to you. I was terrified you’d wake up one day and remember everything. Remember that I was there. That I was the one who shot Rafe. That I was the one who took you away. But you didn't. Even after your time with the therapist. I tried to stay away from you, I did. I swear to God. I tried to just look out for you the best that I could but every time I turned around, you were there, insisting I speak to you. You were calling me, asking for advice, telling me when Nonna needed something, and inviting me to dinner. And the guilt turned. I could do for you what I had failed to do for Rafe. I could protect you. I could step in as big brother. I could keep you from harm. It was the least I could do for him."

  "All that time? Why did you even save me?"

  "Isn’t that obvious by now? I have loved you since long before I knew that it was hazardous to my health. Deviating from the plan was necessary to keep you out of the crosshairs of the people that I worked for. At the time, no one seemed to notice the delay from me making my egress route to calling back to home base. The only person who noticed was Matthias. He didn't say a word. He protected you, too. It was one of the reasons I pulled him out of there. I knew he could be trusted."

  Noah watched her closely, worried. She looked a little green around the gills, like she might throw up.

  "Lucia, that's everything. I’m not lying to you. I know you don't believe me, and I have no right to ask for your forgiveness. I tore this rift between us, and I have no idea how to rectify it. Not that I can. All I can do is what Rafe would want. Which is to keep you out of harm's way."

  "Were you ever going to tell me any of this?”

  She spoke so softly he wasn’t sure he'd heard her correctly.

  "I wish I didn’t have to tell you now. The people I used to work for, they’re ruthless. I don’t want you anywhere near that part of my life. But things are out of my hands now. That guy they sent to your apartment, they aren’t fucking around. I've managed to avoid a war with them for a long time. But that truce was broken the moment they started coming after you. If they want war, I'll take one to them."

  "Why did you start staying with me? Wouldn't it have been better for you to stay away?" She didn’t sound upset about it, merely perplexed.

  He cleared his throat. "It would have been so much safer to stay in the periphery of your life. But I couldn't. Because I cared too much. That was my mistake. And now it will probably cost you your life."

  "You, Noah Blake, you could have had any woman. Why me? Was that part of the plan? To keep me from remembering? To keep me so distracted with your general assholery and eventually so weak with good sex that my brain never worked?"

  His head snapped up. "I wanted you long before I even knew what to do with you. What's been happening over the last couple of months—I haven't been able to fight that any more than I could not protect you. To me, this is real. But I never wanted this, who I am, to touch you. This was never supposed to be part of your world. I know I'm not good enough for you. And now you know it too."

  They sat like that for a long moment— Noah with his hands covering his face. Lucia watching him. When she finally spoke again, her voice was mellow.

  "I always felt there was something with us. Even when I couldn't recognize it. Back then, after he died? I knew there was something about the way you protected me. And that nothing bad was ever going to happen when you were looking out for me."

  "You should feel that way. Because it's true."

  She licked her lips nervously. "I don’t know what to do with my feelings about you and my brother. Knowing what you’ve just told me, I have so many more questions. Why would Rafe stop you from killing that man if the guy was really so bad? Was he some kind of traitor?"

  Noah shook his head. "I have no answers. I wish I could take back that day. I wish I could take back my ego, my determination, my ambition. I wish I had listened to your brother. I wish you’d gotten there just a second earlier or a second too late. I wish all kinds of things. But if you asked me to do it all over again, to protect you, or to ask Rafe those questions, I would always choose to protect you." He ducked his head. "But I know it doesn't matter how I feel about you. I could never deserve you. I promise that I'll continue to keep you safe until this threat is gone. And then you can have that life that you've always wanted. With no interference from me."

  "Noah." She waited until he lifted his head. "What you do is not who you are. I don't know what the circumstances with Rafe really were. But I know you." The tears streamed down her cheeks. "I know you wouldn’t have hurt him. Not on purpose. Especially not after what you've told me now."

  She reached for his face. With the delicate touch of her fingertips along his cheekbone, he had no choice but to look at her.

  God, she was so fucking beautiful.

  "Lucia, I'm not Prince Charming. I'm not some nice Italian boy who's going to marry you and give you lots of babies. I'm not."

  "I'm glad you're not that guy. I don't want little Italian babies. All I want is you.” She leaned forward, brushing her lips over his.

  chapter six

  NOAH HAD NEVER known you could taste love.

  They’d kissed before but it hadn’t been like this. Kissing Lucia was every dream he’d ever had made real. If it hadn’t made him feel like a complete pussy he would have cried at the overwhelming waves of affection and acceptance he could feel emanating from her every caress. She was holding him in her arms and stroking his skin gently like he was something precious. Something that she treasured. How long had it been since anyone made him feel his existence made their life worth living? So long ago that he couldn’t remember.

  Maybe never.

  “I love you so much, Noah. There were so many times I wished I could tell you how I felt.”

  Noah kept his face buried in the curve of her neck. She allowed him to stay there, her fingers stroking through his hair gently. He closed his eyes and inhaled the unique scent of Lucia. The scent of home.

  “Why didn’t you?” he finally asked.

  “I was scared. You always treated me like a kid. If you’d rejected me, I think I would have died.”

  Her softly whispered words shook him. Although he wasn’t the most demonstrative guy in the world, surely she’d been able to tell how she affected him. Could she not see how jealous he was when she gave those sweet smiles to anyone else? Maybe she hadn’t noticed that he went on a rampage when her safety was threatened. It seemed insane that he could feel the things he did for Lucia and she would have no idea the entire time. There had been times he’d been sure his obsession with her was tattooed on his forehead for all to see.

  “The only reason I tried to treat you like a little sister is because you’re so young, Lucia. You needed time to grow up without some guy sniffing around your heels.”

  “I’m not that much younger than you,” Lucia protested.

  Although it was factually true, Noah snorted. Then he winced when she tugged his hair.

  “I’m a grown woman, Noah. Even if you still see me as that stupid teenage girl who has no idea what’s going on.”

  He pulled back slightly so he could see her eyes. “I’ve never thought you were stupid. What you are is … sheltered.”

  “And whose fault is that?” Her voice had softened slightly though.

  “Mine. I acknowledge that with pride. Some things in this world should be sheltered because they’re too precious to risk. You are too precious to risk, Lucia. A bright shining light in a world of darkness.”

  She let out a soft sigh and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
“So are you. I know that you’ve had such a hard life, Noah. The things you’ve had to do to survive.” Her voice wavered slightly. “But I understand. You’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. I know that with everything inside of me. And you deserve to be protected, too.”

  Then she was kissing him again and not with the gentle hesitancy he’d expected. She gripped his hair in both hands and devoured, sucking on his bottom lip with a carnal growl that sent most of his blood racing south. Noah groaned as he hardened instantly and Lucia purred when she felt his arousal. The little vixen had the nerve to slide her legs up and around his waist, squeezing tight and rocking against his length.

  “Lucia,” he breathed warningly.

  “Yes. Did you need something?” She batted her eyelashes innocently. It was supposed to be innocent anyway but everything she did was sexy.

  “Everything. I need everything from you.”

  Something snapped in him and he was suddenly intensely grateful they were already on the bed. They fell back onto the covers in a tangle of arms and legs. He couldn’t get his mouth everywhere he wanted to at once and the urgency drove his need higher. Lucia bucked under him when he took a big mouthful of her breast, sucking hard through the fabric of her T-shirt.

  “Need more,” he growled and then pushed her shirt up and pulled the lacy cup of her bra down so he could get at what he wanted.

  “Yes, that feels so good,” Lucia whispered.

  Her mouth fell open as his tongue swirled around the delicate point. Noah couldn’t have stopped if he’d tried. He couldn’t get enough of the taste of her skin. She whimpered his name several times before he gave her a break. When he pulled back, her nipple was hard and red as a cherry. Lucia’s eyes followed the movement when he licked his lips.

  “Noah! Take this off,” she demanded.

  He loved hearing the need in her voice, and her eyes glittered when he helped her sit up and pull the shirt off. At his first sight of her in nothing but panties and the lacy black bra, the swells of her generous breasts overflowing the cups, he almost broke down and begged right then and there. She was a goddess walking amongst mortals. Oblivious to his internal thoughts, Lucia pulled at the hem of his shirt.