by C. J. Harte
“Won’t it be awkward? How are you going to justify my presence?”
Maggie hesitated. “It’s okay. No one will think anything. You can be Paul’s date. No one will suspect.”
“Paul’s date? What do you mean no one will suspect?”
“There has been speculation about Paul and Derek, and me, but nothing concrete. Look, I want you to be there for me.” For the first time, she was intentionally mixing the personal and professional parts of her life, and she didn’t want to think about the possible consequences.
“Come on, Maggie. Are you trying to tell me no one has suspected the truth? People in Atlanta were asking questions, and we weren’t that discreet. I know there have been other women.” Susan paused, hoping for a refusal, but continued when Maggie was silent. “People can’t be that naïve.”
“Susan, people believe what they want. You’d be surprised at how many people are still in the closet. Sure, there are suspicions but nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever been confirmed. My staff’s worked hard to make sure there aren’t any rumors that would impact either one of our careers. I’ve been careful to not change that image. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. Except you’re living a lie and constantly afraid someone will find out. Is this the way you and Derek want to live? Well, I don’t. I can’t.” She walked to the door. “For most of my life, I thought I needed to live up to others’ expectations. I didn’t want to hurt my parents, so I hung around with a group of friends in high school. In college I finally met a woman I loved but she wanted to tell her parents and my parents about us and I said no. She finally left. I married Cady’s father because I thought it was safer. Right! As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he walked. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and I was miserable. I can’t live that way.” She couldn’t separate her anger with Maggie from her own struggles with coming out. These were the same arguments she had once used years ago. “I won’t.”
“Damn it, Susan, what do you want me to do? Plead mea culpa? Fuck it, I’ve worked hard. What more do you want me to do?”
“Aren’t you famous enough?”
“What difference does that make? If you don’t toe the line, if you don’t fit the image, the industry kills you. I have been singing and playing clubs and one-night gigs since I was sixteen. Now I’m a fucking overnight whiz. I don’t want to start over.”
“So you want to live a lie so you can be rich and famous?”
“No, I just want to live. What are we supposed to do? When people like Pat Robertson call for a holy war on perverts—that’s you and me, Susan—what do I do? Give some religious zealot a license to shoot me and the people I care about and give them a damn map to make it easier to find my house? I’m not going to do it. I’m a public figure. I don’t like it, but that’s part of the price of success. I have enough problems with crazy fans who like me. I am not putting myself and my loved ones in harm’s way. I won’t let anything, or anyone, harm them. And that includes you.”
The vehemence of Maggie’s protest caused Susan to back up emotionally. “I’m not asking you to out anyone. It was a mistake for me to marry Cady’s dad. When Tom left, my boss told me he was surprised I’d gotten married. You know why? He thought I was gay. I won’t go back.”
Maggie tried to find some common ground. “I’m not asking you to, Susan. It’s not just me, though. What about Derek? How do you think being outed will play in the locker room? Do you think some tough, macho football player is going to like sharing a shower with him? I don’t want him hurt, emotionally or physically. Especially with such little time left in the season.” Maggie wanted an end to this conversation. “Please, a little longer and it won’t make a difference. Derek’s retiring at the end of the season and then it won’t matter as much.” Susan didn’t respond. “Look, just this one thing, okay? Please.” In spite of her fear, Maggie wanted Susan in her life. “Do you want me to beg? I will. Please.”
“I have worked hard to get my life together. Coming out was difficult and I won’t go back. I can’t.”
Maggie sighed. “I understand. I’m not asking you to. And I won’t ask you to lie.” Maggie had lied so much about so many things, she knew truth was difficult. And most of the time she wasn’t sure what was true. She was tired of the deceit, but she wasn’t sure how to change. “I really want you there.”
“Maggie, I don’t know. I need to do some Christmas shopping. Cady and Mom have been troupers…My life has gone to hell, Maggie, and I want some part of it back.”
Maggie had no idea what Susan meant, but the look on her face was enough. “What can I do? What do you want?”
“I want some time to spend with Cady and Mom. I want quiet. I’ve got work that has been left hanging. I want my life the way it was.”
“Let’s bring your mom and Cady with us. We have a huge house. My kids would love being home for a few days. You can use my office and my staff will help any way they can.” Maggie went in search of Maureen. “How would you like to go to L.A. for a few days? A movie I made is opening, and we’ll all go to the premiere.”
“Movie! Absolutely. I can’t wait to tell the girls at my book club.” Maureen danced out of the room. Maggie laughed and returned to find Susan.
Recognizing the effort Maggie was making, Susan gave in. “I need to get some work done.”
“Not a problem.”
*
Once in California, neither Susan nor her mother were prepared for the size of the estate. “Good grief,” Susan gasped. “This is bigger than my high school. Do you provide maps?”
“Mommy, is this a castle?” Cady asked.
“I don’t know, Cady. The only castle I have ever seen was at Disney World.”
“Come on, let me show you around. It really isn’t that big,” Maggie said. For the first time, she began to look at her house through an outsider’s eyes. She was excited when they bought the place, especially with its intact recording studio. Derek installed a gym in another area of the house. She never thought of it as ostentatious, glittery, or any of the other words she associated with success. It was home. Now she realized how she had fallen into the same mold as many other Californians. Bigger is better. She wondered how it had happened.
*
The house was magnificent. Susan recalled touring the Biltmore in Ashville, but this was the first time she’d been in something that someone actually lived in. Even her mother stared in awe.
After a quick tour, Maggie, Susan, and Maureen headed out to buy evening clothes. The next twenty-four hours were a blur. Someone arranged a cocktail party. Maggie and Derek walked around the room greeting people. Maggie was quick to introduce Susan and her mother as their guests. Her mother joined in the festivities as if it were an everyday event.
Susan, however, felt out of place trying to maintain idle chatter with strangers. They were recognizable strangers for the most part. Maggie stopped every few minutes to check on her but then was off again to schmooze with the glitterati. The three-hour time difference between the two coasts finally wore Susan down.
Maya pulled Susan aside. “Come on, I’ll take you to a nice quiet place where you can get some sleep.”
“I need to let Maggie know.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll tell her. Besides, these things usually go really late.”
Maya led her down a series of halls and finally up the stairs. Susan wondered if it was too late to drop breadcrumbs, but she was too tired to search for any. When she finally reached her bedroom, she climbed into bed and was soon fast asleep.
Strange dreams haunted her sleep, and in the morning she was still exhausted. Struggling awake, she dressed and managed to find her mother in the kitchen talking to one of the cooks. Susan grabbed some coffee and sat and listened to the conversation. Her respite from chaos ended when Maggie entered the room.
“What happened to you? Where have you been?” Maggie slipped her arms around Susan and nuzzled her neck. “I missed you,” she said. “Maureen, would y
ou mind if I borrow your daughter? I assure you my intentions are entirely dishonorable.”
Her mother laughed and nodded, much to Susan’s chagrin.
For the next three hours, Maggie showed no signs of fatigue. Susan again found herself easily aroused by Maggie and reveled in the passionate depths they explored. Only the alarm going off at eleven halted the lovemaking.
“Who committed us to this insane opening tonight? God, I don’t want to get up.” Maggie’s hand lazily roamed up and down Susan’s thigh.
Susan watched Maggie’s hand and realized how easy it was to love her. Her enthusiasm, her passion, her childlike curiosity, her talent. Her tenderness, her kindness, her attentiveness. Yet I have never heard her say she loves me. Nor has she ever talked about the future. Our future.
*
After lunch, the adults adjourned to dress for the big premiere. In high school, Susan once took forty-five minutes to get ready for a date. This particular afternoon was in another league. There were people who specialized in every part of the body. She compared herself to the Tin Man, with mechanics working on every inch. Her mother was thrilled with the attention, but Susan was more bewildered. By evening, they were coifed, painted, dressed, and bejeweled.
Susan stared at herself in the mirror, not sure who that woman was. The image was a sophisticated creature unafraid of anything. Diamonds dangled from her ears, surrounded her neck, and even glittered in her hair. The soft, flowing white designer dress adorned a body totally unfamiliar. This woman was beautiful.
Her mother walked into the room and Susan realized how her mother must have enchanted her father. The young, beautiful, redheaded Maureen, full of life and mischief, was easily recognizable, even after all these years. For the first time Susan wished she was more like her mom.
Susan walked out to where everyone was gathering. When she saw Maggie, she stopped, unable to move. Maggie was stunning dressed in a beautiful long, red, low-cut evening dress with a sexy slit up one side. Susan had trouble breathing. She desperately wanted to make love to her, but she wasn’t sure how to get out of her own dress. “You’re gorgeous. I just realized I’ve never seen you in a dress, and you are beautiful.”
Maggie laughed. “Thank you. Don’t get too excited. I don’t really do dresses. You, however, were made for that gown.” She swallowed hard. “You take my breath away.”
“Thank you. You make me feel beautiful.”
At five thirty, the limousine arrived to take them to the party. First cocktails, then the movie, then the after-movie party. As she walked into the theater, Susan was handed a pen and a piece of paper. Seeing the panic on Susan’s face, Maggie laughed and quickly grabbed the items and signed them. Once inside Susan looked around and realized this was Ed’s dream—to be in a group like this. If he were here, he’d be working this room and have half a dozen phone numbers and appointments by now. Several recognizable people wandered around chatting with other glamorous people. Maggie and Derek were greeted by everyone.
While Derek and Maggie worked the room, Paul escorted Maureen and Susan to a bar and offered each a glass of wine. “Stick to this. It’s safer than most of these exotic drinks you’ll find around here.” He took Susan’s hand and pointed out various people. In the presence of such luminaries, Susan was awestruck.
“Maggie’s agent is good at arranging these things.” Paul smiled behind his wineglass. “Half the people here have never met Maggie, and many of the males are more interested in meeting Derek and talking football, especially with the Raiders playing so well.”
“How do you stand this? Look at my mom. She acts like she knows these people.”
“Your mom is a charmer, Susan. They probably think she is somebody or has connections. And even if she doesn’t, she is enchanting. After this season, Derek is planning on a much simpler life. He’s had enough.”
The lights dimmed and everyone entered the theater. Her mother, firmly ensconced in the middle of the group, leaned over to speak to Susan. “I can’t believe we’re here. I’m so excited.”
“Me too, Mom.” Susan squeezed her mother’s hand as the movie began. Maggie was quite good. Susan wondered if there was anything she couldn’t do. As Susan observed the familiar head tilt as Maggie talked to her on-screen mother, Susan wanted to reach over and touch her.
The movie ended to great applause. Derek hugged Maggie. “Mags, I am so proud of you. It’s every bit as good as Karl said it was.” He kissed her cheek as Maggie beamed. For a moment Susan felt very alone.
Paul grabbed Susan and her mother. “Come on. That was the easy part. Now we schmooze and wait for the early reviews. And if you two lovely women are lucky, we’ll actually get something to eat.” He deftly led them out of the crowd and to the waiting limousine. Fifteen minutes later Maggie and Derek finally climbed in.
The rest of the evening was another Maggie tornado. First cocktails, then a late dinner at some fancy, well-known restaurant where they were soon surrounded by a supportive crowd. Then dessert, coffee, more cocktails, and more talking. People wished Maggie, the producer, the director, and anyone else good luck, offered comments about the movie, or just stopped to gossip.
“M.J., this will be a hit.” Maggie’s agent was jumping in and out of his chair greeting people. “We’ll set up Leno and some other West Coast interviews, then go to New York and do Letterman and the Today show. How about it? I’ve got to make some calls in the morning, but I can confirm a few more.”
Maggie sipped her drink and greeted another well-wisher. Alone for a moment, she turned to Karl, “I don’t want to fly back and forth. Tell me again why I’m doing this?”
“M.J., you agreed to promote the movie when we signed the contract to do it. It’s great for you and the movie.”
“You know I hate talking to people. Derek, I’m nervous.”
“Mags, you’ll do fine,” Derek said. “You and Susan go.”
She crossed her arms. “I’ve gone to all your NFL awards banquets, your team parties, and the team family get-togethers. Why can’t you go with me?”
“You’re perfectly capable of handling this. And, no, you haven’t been to all my awards banquets. Nice try. How many times have you been on the road or had a conflict? Especially of the female gender.” Maggie couldn’t deny his accusations.
Watching them, Susan wondered again how she fit into their life. More unanswered questions. Finally fatigue kicked in. Her mom’s yawning gave Susan an excuse. “Paul, can you take Mom and me back to Maggie’s? We’re both tired.”
“Susan, please stay,” Maggie said. “We can send your mom home in the limo or Paul could go with her. Please stay.”
Susan was tired. The swirl of emotions had depleted her reserve. She desperately needed some sleep. “We’ll see you later. Good night, Derek.”
As Susan and Maureen left with Paul, Maggie’s emotions were tumultuous. She wanted Susan to stay and was afraid she would.
“Mags,” Derek said, “there’s a reporter here from the NBC affiliate. He’s coming over to talk to us.” Derek pointed to a smiling, young attractive man headed their way. “He’s been at the practice field asking questions.”
Maggie nodded and sighed. “I hate talking to the press. Urrrrgh.” As the reporter reached her, Maggie turned on the charm but waited for him to begin the questioning.
“Ms. Carson, my name’s Randy Beaman. I’m a reporter with KMBC. Your movie performance is amazing, especially for a newcomer.”
“Thank you. I take that as a compliment.” Maggie spoke in a friendly voice, controlling the seething desire to strangle the pest. Newcomer! she thought. You haven’t done your homework. “I was fortunate to have a good script and an excellent director and costar.” And I worked fourteen to eighteen hours each day.
“Our station would like to get you in for an interview.” The young reporter spoke with certainty, clearly confident M.J. Carson would not turn him down.
Maggie wanted to smack the smug prick, but she spoke calmly. �
�Mr. Beaman, I can’t imagine what you could find interesting about me. Thank you so much for the offer. If you still insist on talking to a novice like me, that’s Karl, my manager.” Maggie pointed to the corner where Karl held court. “Set it up with him. Excuse me, but I want to thank my director. Derek, have I introduced you to Mr. Walden?” Grabbing his arm, she walked off. “Asshole,” Maggie muttered only loud enough for Derek to hear. “Newcomer, right!”
“Come on,” Derek said, “forget him. Thinks he’s the next Hemingway.”
“I’ve always loved your sense of humor. Come on, let me introduce you to my director.” After introducing Derek to the director, Maggie wandered off and found Maya. “Did you pick up the packages?”
“Yeah, I’ve got them in the car. Do you want them now? I wasn’t sure if you wanted to wear them tonight or not, so I brought both packages. Do you want them now?”
“Just give them to me before the reviews come out.”
“I can drop them off tomorrow,” Maya said.
“No! I want them tonight.”
Maya went and retrieved the packages. Maggie smiled when she thought about surprising Susan. For the first time in her life, she’d thoroughly enjoyed shopping. She wanted to give Susan something to show her how much she cared about her. It was exciting to pick something so personal. Maggie grinned, imaging Susan’s reaction to the surprise.
*
During the drive back to Maggie’s, Susan allowed her imagination and fears to slowly take control. When she failed to pay attention to the conversation in the limo, she attributed it to her physical state. “I’m just tired. I just need some sleep.”
As they entered the house, Paul asked, “Susan, is something wrong?”
“It’s…nothing.” Tears threatened. Susan looked up at him. “How do you do this? Go to these parties and pretend to be just another hanger-on.”