Magic of the Heart

by C. J. Harte

  Susan tried to put her arms around Maggie, but was turned away. “Maggie, I’m trying to apologize. I love you. Please.”

  Maggie was not ready for appeasement. “You’re proving my point. How easy it is to say you love me. Yet you can turn around and attack me. That’s love? Keep it.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I apologize. I’ve always had difficulty with change. Once, in high school, my mom moved all the furniture in the living room and I went bonkers. That’s no excuse. It’s just…this house…I guess I’m not ready for some changes, but I do love you.”

  Maggie stared at Susan for a long time. It took all her determination to not run into Susan’s arms. Her emotions in chaos, she decided not to fight any more.

  “I don’t want to argue either. Let’s just go to bed.” Maggie turned and changed into sleepwear. Susan wasn’t aware Maggie owned any pajamas. Quietly, she changed and climbed into bed. They barely touched the entire night.

  The awkward truce continued for the remainder of the week. Any efforts Susan made were met with cool detachment. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could continue.

  Maggie found any attempted conversations draining. She was still angry. A week later, she announced she and the kids were leaving. Some problems with the tour had come up and she needed to be in California until the tour started. Her heart in pieces, she was reluctant to leave without some token or peace offering. “You’re still welcome to join me on the tour, if you want. If not, I understand.”

  “I can’t. I’ve got so much to do here. And I want to spend time with Cady.”

  “Don’t explain. No excuses.”

  “It’s not an excuse. We can visit each other.”

  Maggie stared at Susan and then shook her head. “Yeah, sure.” When the limousines pulled into the driveway, she walked out with a large quiet group following. She hugged and said good-bye to Maureen, promised Cady she would see her soon, and then stood in front of Susan. “Take care.”

  “You too.” Susan hugged Maggie but quickly realized it wasn’t being returned. “Please don’t leave like this.”

  Maggie kissed her on the cheek and climbed into the waiting vehicle. She put her arms around her children and stared ahead as the car pulled away.

  Chapter Nineteen

  After Maggie left, a numbness set in. It was easier for Susan to postpone the pain and still function. Work, including hers, required a level of concentration. Maggie had left only one week ago but each moment had turned into an eternity. Susan had wanted order and peace and she got it. But Maggie was gone. The heart that she had so carefully protected was in shreds and incapable of repair. She had her life back, her daily banal existence, but it was empty. And that hurt more than she thought possible.

  With the Winter Park house under repair, she had no choice but to remain in the new house—which was already filled with memories of Maggie. Cady kept asking when they would get to visit again. Like so many things in her life now, she had no answer. Surprisingly, her mother enjoyed the new house, sleeping in a different room each night. When questioned, she simply replied, “It keeps me from being bored.”

  On the weekend they checked on the reconstruction of their Winter Park house. When they climbed back into the car, her mother and Cady both agreed they liked their new house better. Susan stared at her family and wondered why she was the only one holding to cherished memories of the Winter Park house.

  *

  Maggie was tired and irritated. She missed Susan and knew she was taking out her anger on everyone around her, but she didn’t care. She tried to focus on her meeting with Paul.

  Paul shook his head. “We’ve been down this road before, Maggie. If you aren’t happy with my advice, get another lawyer.” He walked out of the room.

  “Where the hell does Paul think he’s going?” Maggie shouted. “I still have business I need to go over. Fuck him. He can be replaced.” Maggie slammed her hand on the desk. “Why the hell do I put up with his shit? I can get another lawyer. I have a tour starting soon. The studios will make sure these things get done.”

  “Paul can be replaced as your lawyer, but he will not be replaced in this house,” Derek said. “Or in my life. I don’t know what your problem is. You’ve nagged me about all kinds of petty crap. Paul hasn’t been able to do anything right. The way you’ve treated your staff lately, especially Maya, I am surprised they still work for you. And the kids are afraid of you and your continuous tirades. You don’t want to talk about it and you’re not ready to listen. Something has to change. Soon!” He started out of the room.

  “Derek, wait,” Maggie said. “I can’t believe you’re taking sides. Not you.”

  “I’m not taking sides. I don’t even know enough about what’s going on to take sides. I won’t let you tear this family apart. I love you and I love Paul. Talk to me, damn it.”

  Maggie sat and stared at her hands. “I’m sorry. It’s not about you, or Paul, or the kids. I should never have gotten involved with her. She’s such an ungrateful b—” She couldn’t finish her statement. She knew that wasn’t true. “Why couldn’t she just leave things the way they were?”

  “How were they?”

  “You know, things were easy between us. We enjoyed being with each other. We went places together. I loved the time we spent together. She’s warm, funny. She has this dimple in her chin that looks so damn cute when she smiles. She’s intelligent and…” Maggie paused and then smiled at Derek. “She’s one hell of a businessperson. You should have seen her with Karl. God, she’s wonderful.”

  “How did things change?”

  “Things got really out of control. She didn’t want to go places with me or be with me. She kept wanting to put labels on everything. If things weren’t going the way she wanted, something was wrong. I told her I was giving all I could. She kept wanting more. She was never happy with me or what I did.”

  “Well, that was general enough.”

  Maggie glared at Derek.

  “Come on, Mags, you need to tell me more.”

  “Instead of spending time with me or traveling with me, she wanted to spend time with her family. She yelled at me because I bought the damn house to keep her safe from nosy people. And she yelled at me because there were too many nosy people around her old house. No way could I win.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Christ, now you sound like Susan. She thinks that all it takes is to say some magic words and everything is okay. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way. I could go out and buy half a dozen people that would swear they were madly in love with me.”

  “Do you love her? If you don’t love her, you ought to move on. Let her go.”

  “I can’t.” Maggie’s hands shook. She’d gotten along fine before Susan, but she didn’t even want to imagine what her life would be like without Susan. She felt more vulnerable than she ever had in her life, and alone. “What am I going to do?”

  “I’ve never seen you happier than in the short time since you’ve met Susan. You laugh more, seem more relaxed, and seem genuinely happy. And when she looks at you, it’s so obvious she adores you. You know, there’s nothing wrong with telling her you love her. You tell me and the kids all the time.”

  “You’re my best friend, and you know how much I love you and the kids. This is different.”

  “Maybe Susan wants to know if you’re in this for the long haul. What future do you envision with her? Or do you? Paul and I often talk about tomorrows, whether next week, next year, or ten years. We get excited thinking about growing old with each other. Susan’s not a groupie. Talk to her.”

  “I think I’m falling for Susan.”

  “Then tell her and give the rest of us some peace. Maybe things are a little rough right now. People like Susan are not throwaways. Is Susan just about sex?” Maggie didn’t answer. It was the same question Susan had asked. Derek walked out of the room.

  She desperately missed Susan. Maggie could almost smell Susan’s perf
ume. If she closed her eyes, she could feel Susan’s presence, actually hear her moving in the room. When she opened her eyes, she was aware of a hollow ache so large it threatened to swallow her. The walls were closing in around her. She couldn’t change her life. Keep it light. Never look back.

  *

  Maya needed to finish work on Maggie’s CD and made a quick trip to Orlando. Susan met her at the airport. “Welcome back to Orlando. I hope your trip went well.” Susan walked back through the terminal with Maya. “Do you have any luggage to pick up?”

  Holding up her carry-on, Maya smiled. “Nope. Traveling light. I’ll only be here for two days, just need to review the contracts and then make sure the recordings are done.”

  Susan changed the topic to business. “Ed will meet us at the house and we’ll review the contracts. This evening we’ll have dinner with two of the major players in this venture. There will be—”

  “Hold on. Can I wait until we sit down and I can write this down? I’m still trying to adjust to East Coast time.”

  They agreed to hold business talk until they got to Susan’s house. As they were pulling into the drive, Susan realized Maggie hadn’t been mentioned once. A part of her wanted to ask, while the other part feared any answer.

  The day went smoothly and at five p.m. Ed placed a conference call to Maggie and Paul to discuss the results of the day’s work. Maggie’s voice floated over the speaker and Susan could feel every syllable resonate through her body. Breathing was difficult as she struggled to remain focused. At the end of the conversation, Susan had to provide some details and did so in as impersonal manner as possible.

  Finally, they wrapped up the meeting when Paul said everything was in agreement. “Ms. Carson would like to sign the final contracts as soon as possible. She was wondering if we could have everything ready by the twenty-fourth. We could all meet in your office in Orlando.”

  “Not a problem.” Ed rubbed his hands in excitement. “We’ll make sure everything is ready and will have the drafts to you next week.” He looked at Susan for confirmation. She nodded, unsure of what else to say.

  At the end of the conference call, Susan offered to take Maya to dinner before giving her a ride back to her hotel.

  “It was kind of strange tonight. Being out to eat and not having people interrupting,” Susan said.

  “It’s not easy,” Maya said, “being part of an entourage. You’ll be surprised at the offers I get if I can provide access to M.J. I have had men and women offer money, drugs, Lakers tickets, even their bodies, for a chance to be part of M.J.’s crowd. It can be really tough on the ego to realize you are being offered all this, not for who you are or what you look like, but who you know.”

  “Maya, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

  “We used to laugh about them at first. But then most of the staff realized that was part of the job. Not pretty.”

  “No,” Susan said, “not pretty.”

  Chapter Twenty

  After the Pro Bowl was over, Derek told Maggie he was retiring from professional football. Maggie, half listening, thumbed through a trade magazine, as he talked about his choices for the future. Her own life no longer seemed safe, or secure.

  “Maggie,” he continued, “Paul and I are thinking of taking some time off with the kids and going on a cruise for a few days. After we get back, I’m going to San Diego to talk to my parents.”

  “What’s up?”

  “I don’t want them to be surprised or have to react in case they have to deal publicly with my being gay. Now that the NFL is over, I don’t have to lie anymore.”

  Panic flooded Maggie’s every nerve fiber until she was drowning in fear. “Why now? What difference does it make?”

  “This lying and side-stepping rumors has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Paul, with you, and even on your relationship with Susan. Paul has been patient, but I’m not taking any chances. I love him, Maggie, and I don’t want to lose him.”

  Maggie stared, speechless. She desperately missed Susan, but she didn’t know how to reach across the chasm between them. Once again loneliness enveloped her. “I guess it’s fine,” she mumbled. “I didn’t know you were going…I kind of thought…”

  “Thought what?”

  “Since your parents have such strong feelings about you being gay, why would you care about telling them? They’ve never supported you or your lifestyle when you first came out to them.”

  “My parents may not approve, but I still want to tell them again. They may not be the best parents but they’re the only ones I have.”

  “Do you really want to come out publicly?”

  Derek hesitated. “I’ve been asking myself the same question. I don’t know if I’ll come out with some big announcement, but I won’t lie if asked. How about you?”

  Maggie didn’t want to think about coming out. She quickly changed the subject. “Hey, maybe we can all fly down to Florida together and spend a couple of days playing before I start my tour.”

  “How is the tour preparation going?”

  “I’m scared.” The words flew out before she could edit them. “The concerts I’ve done are short. Like the AIDS benefits. I don’t know if I can do it day after day. Suppose I can’t keep up the pace? Suppose I’m not that good anymore? Suppose I—”

  “Are you sure you want to do this tour? We have enough money, neither one of us ever has to work again.”

  “I can’t quit now. We’ve got too many dates booked. What happens if I screw up?”

  “The audience won’t care. They’ll still love you. But if this is really bothering you, why don’t you call your agent and have him not book any more dates? We can have time to relax together. You know—like a family.”

  Maggie laughed. “So traditional. That’s one of the things I love about you. You still haven’t answered my question about us doing something before I leave on tour.”

  The enjoyment of planning a family outing was cut short when Derek mentioned having Susan join them.

  “Why?” Maggie asked. “Can’t we just make it our family?”

  “I thought you would want to see her. Besides, whether you like it or not, Susan is part of our family. If we go back to Florida, the kids will want to see Susan and Cady. They’ve been asking all week when Cady is coming to visit.”

  “Forget it. It’s a stupid idea.” Maggie turned and began to climb the stairs to her room.

  “Why not?”

  Maggie was silent. The possibility that Susan might not want to see her had been avoided. The hole inside her was becoming a bottomless chasm. “Do you think Susan loves me?”

  “Susan loves you. You, however, tend to be a steamroller. Susan could be feeling hurt.”

  “Hurt? What about me? I was only trying to give her what she wanted. It was a safe place to live.”

  “Maybe she had a different idea about living together and safety. Maybe she has a different feeling about gratitude.”

  “I don’t want her damn gratitude.” Sighing, she asked, “Do you really think she still cares?”

  “You need to ask her, not me. Whatever you two decide, it’s unfair to the kids for them not to spend time together. What I know about Susan, I don’t think she turns her feelings off that easily.”

  *

  Susan stood in the lounge of Executive Airport, questioning her sanity. She was meeting Maggie, Derek and the kids. “I don’t know why I allowed myself to be talked into this. They could have rented a car. We could have met in a more public place. Where, Ms. Know-it-all? The zoo? That would be a good place. We could be the exhibit.” When she stopped her pacing she noticed people staring at her. Great, they probably think I’m crazy and dangerous. Talking to myself.

  She glanced out a window and watched a sleek twin-engine Learjet gracefully land. She wanted to run, but the only part of her that was moving was her stomach—up and down, up and down. It’s an ordinary plane. Yes, but there is nothing ordinary about one of its passengers.

&nbs
p; The private jet taxied to the gate. Susan held her breath as the door opened and the passengers deplaned. I can do this. I can do this. One part of Susan recognized that she was madly in love with this Maggie. Another part wanted to strangle this self-centered, overbearing ego.

  Derek opened the door as the ground crew ran over to assist. Once the plane was secured, he stepped out of the open door with D.J. and Beth pulling on his hands. Next Maggie appeared. She hesitated just briefly, looking around before descending the stairs. Susan’s throat was dry and her heart raced. Even at this distance, Susan felt the heat building in her body. She couldn’t hide the incredible hold Maggie had on her heart and her body. Susan saw no one else until the group disappeared into the gate entrance. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and whispered, “Maggie’s here.”

  A large group entered the terminal, but all Susan saw was Maggie. She was breathtaking, dressed in jeans, a blue broadcloth button-down shirt, and gray blazer. This was the woman she had first met. Susan didn’t miss the fact that Maggie looked thinner and tired. At that moment, Susan wanted to be in her arms, the two of them holding each other and talking.

  “Thank you for meeting us,” Paul said as he hugged Susan and Cady. This was soon followed with hugs from Derek and the children. Only Maggie hung back, not moving or speaking. Susan’s heart was in free fall. She must still be angry.

  Automatic pilot kicked in. “I’ve made arrangements for a rental car. They just need to see a driver’s license.”

  “Great,” Derek said. “Why don’t you, Maggie, and the kids head out to the house and Paul and I will take care of the rental car? We’ll take the luggage with us.” Susan nodded. Once they were in the car, she realized how much more painful it was to have Maggie sitting next to her but not talking. Susan’s heart was breaking.