by C. J. Harte
*
Maggie stared out the window, regretting the trip. From the moment she saw Susan in the terminal, she knew she’d made a mistake. The look on her face was all she needed to know that Susan didn’t care. It’s only three days, and then I’ll be on tour. Hurt and rejection dropped in her lap. These were familiar enemies. She fought hard for some semblance of control.
“How’s your mom?” Maggie asked.
“Fine. She’s anxious to see you.”
“I’ve missed her.”
“She’s missed you. We…we all have.”
Maggie looked to see if Susan was including herself in the “we.” “I…I’ve missed you too. So have the kids.” Both defenses were still intact, but a crack was found. By the time they arrived home, light was slipping in the crack.
Maureen warmly greeted Maggie and the children and directed them into the house. Sounding like a general organizing her troops and their movements, she gave orders and directions, telling them to hurry or they would miss lunch.
The day passed quickly with much chattering and laughter. Even Susan and Maggie got into a playful mood. It wasn’t until bedtime that everyone realized General Maureen had also carefully orchestrated sleeping arrangements. When Maggie asked about the location of her luggage, Maureen replied, “Why, I put it up in your and Susan’s room. You two run up and get to bed. We have a long day tomorrow. You both have work in the morning and then we have plans for the rest of the day.”
Maureen, Paul, and Derek made their exit, claiming to be tired. Maggie and Susan were left standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Hesitantly, Susan spoke. “I didn’t…I mean, I can sleep downstairs.”
Maggie fumbled for a reply. For the last three hours, she had thought of Susan and what it would be like to be lying next to her, talking and holding her. To really hold her. This was not a step in that direction. “No, that’s not fair. This is your house. I’ll sleep down here.”
“No, this is your house too. It was your money that bought it.”
“There are enough bedrooms we don’t have to fight over which one to sleep in. This is our house. I wanted someplace we could both live safely. Am I that bad a person that we can’t share the same bedroom, much less the same house?”
“No, Maggie, you’re a good person. I’m sorry. I know you were trying to be helpful. I overreacted. I don’t deal well with change, but I’m getting used to it. Well, I’m trying to get used to it.”
Maggie smiled at that comment. “I owe you an apology too. There was no reason for me being such an asshole. I wouldn’t even listen to you.”
“But I wasn’t even giving you the chance. I—”
Maggie held up her hand. “Are we arguing over who should apologize?”
Susan smiled and Maggie felt the warmth crawling into her aching heart. “I hope not. That’s bad.”
Susan put out her hand, “Can we go upstairs and talk? I would really prefer sitting down. I’m tired.”
Maggie just nodded and walked quietly up the stairs. Letting time, and sharing, heal some of the distance, they talked and held hands. “I’ve thought about you every day.”
“Me too,” Susan said. “I try to imagine what you are doing. We get the press info about your tour at the office. Ed, of course, is in heaven with all the new business coming in.” She paused and stared, trying to memorize every feature. “You are so attractive.”
“Thank you.” For the first time in her life, Maggie believed it. She yawned and pulled Susan closer. When Susan put her head on Maggie’s shoulder, Maggie felt the tension in her body escape and she allowed sleep to capture her. It was the first moment of peace she had felt in some time.
Early the next morning, Maggie awoke feeling chilled. Pulling the covers over her, she realized she was on top of the blanket and, lying next to her, was Susan. In a brief moment of vulnerability she was aware of the depth of her feeling, but she was unsure what to do about it. She leaned forward and gently kissed Susan.
Susan, more asleep than awake, stirred and put her arms around Maggie and pulled her close. Susan touched her lips to Maggie’s and the women were quickly drowning in each other. Susan wanted her and Maggie could feel it. Confused by the intensity of her feelings, Maggie tried to ignore that knowledge, losing herself instead in the experience of the passion. They knew each other so well, drawing on that familiarity to each lead and follow. Few words passed, only sounds of encouragement and completion. At six a.m., they fell back into a sound sleep. At seven thirty, the general arrived at the door and announced breakfast.
“Mmm. I don’t think I can move,” Maggie whispered, pulling Susan closer.
“I know I don’t want to. What time is it anyway?”
“Seven thirty-five. Eastern Time!”
“Why did I tell Ed we’d meet him at ten?” She listened for the returning warning steps of her mother. A knock on the door assured her she would not be going back to sleep that morning.
“We’re awake!”
“Just checking. Better hurry if you’re going to eat before you leave for work.”
Susan pulled Maggie closer. “Let’s dine in bed. We can have the contracts brought here and we’ll sign them in bed. And then we can have lunch in bed. You are on my menu!”
“We…We…I mean, you want Ed, Paul, and Maya here?”
“I can’t have Ed, Paul, and Maya in here. But I do want you.”
Touching Susan and kissing her bare shoulder, Maggie was becoming aroused. “No one will come in until we’re ready to come out.” She tried to work down to a waiting breast only to find it slide away from her as Susan slid out of bed.
“Come on, let’s take a shower,” Susan said.
Susan felt alive. The water was beginning to turn chilly when they exited the shower, but Susan barely noticed. She was warm from head to toe. It was during these private times that she most appreciated Maggie. The real Maggie, as she was wont to describe her.
By nine, Paul, Maggie, and Susan were headed to the office. Maggie again was the star as she entered the office and greeted the staff by name. Ed led them into the conference room where they reviewed the contracts. By quarter to ten, the new investors were shown in and conversation became intense. At noon Paul said, “I think we have a deal.” Lunch and more talk followed. Finally, at three thirty, the meeting ended with all parties agreeing to meet for dinner the following night at the exclusive Harbor Club in Sanford.
*
As the time for Maggie to leave grew closer, she acknowledged the increasing tension build. “Why won’t you come with me?” Maggie asked.
“I have a job. I have a child. I can’t just pick up and leave.”
“I’m part of your job. You know Ed won’t mind. I want us to be together.”
“Don’t start, Maggie. I can do so much more for you if I’m here. Besides, I’m just getting caught up from the last time you and I traveled. I was so far behind in my work.”
“I could get behind you and we could have some fun.”
“Sweetheart, this is my job. Besides, I don’t want to be a groupie or a rowdy or whatever.”
Laughing, Maggie resumed packing. “It’s roadie. And you would never be a groupie…or whatever. You are one of the stubbornest, most determined, most beautiful, most wonderful women I have ever known. When you’re not around, I sometimes close my eyes and imagine you being in the room. I can actually see you walking across the room with that absentminded look you sometimes get. I watch the way you turn your head when you’re really listening—like right now. Sometimes I can even feel you lying next to me and hear your excited breathing when we make love. But being a groupie—not in my wildest dreams.”
Susan felt a lump in her throat, realizing Maggie had revealed more about herself and her feelings in a few short minutes than in hours of talking. “I love you, Margaret Carson-Baxter.” Susan kissed her palm and then her wrist, feeling the pulse beneath her lips beating rapidly. She was feeling aroused but something much more
intense was slowly seeping through her body. I want you to love me, Maggie. Maybe, if I love you enough, I can help you heal. As Susan kissed and caressed her, she felt Maggie emotionally drift away. No! I won’t let you go. Susan pulled Maggie close. “I love you.”
*
The next morning Maggie was distant and quiet. Her leaving felt like more than just a physical leaving. Susan wanted to grab Maggie and beg her to stay, to wake up with her every day, to live together. This is crazy. It’s just a tour. Susan walked out of the room, wishing this was a work day.
Maggie was immobile, feeling insecure. Dealing with her own emotions, much less someone else’s was unfamiliar territory. She resorted to the familiar—she grabbed her bags and headed downstairs. She spent the remaining time with her kids and Maureen, hoping Susan would at least come to say good-bye. When the guard at the main gate announced the limo, Maggie felt more pain than she could remember. She still didn’t understand Susan’s unwillingness to travel with her. Susan had become such a part of her life. Maggie wasn’t sure how she would cope without her.
As Maggie opened the front door, Susan finally appeared, as if she knew it was time to say good-bye. She waited until everyone else had said their good-byes. “I’m sorry. I got something for you and hid it, then I couldn’t find it. I just want you to know I’ll miss you.” Susan wiped the tears and watched as Maggie opened the dark velvet box. Inside was a white gold ring with both of their birth stones around a diamond. Inside was inscribed: “Deep inside me.”
When she read the inside of the ring, Maggie felt her life shifting. “Thank you. This is the nicest…thank you.” She hugged Susan and fought back the loneliness threatening to steal away the joy now occupying her heart.
“That’s where you will be,” Susan whispered into her ear. “Always.”
“Me too.” Maggie pulled away and walked quickly to the car. She climbed into the limo, refusing to look back. She feared she wouldn’t be able to leave.
As the limo drove out of sight, Susan tried to make sense of the emotional turmoil. Susan, just shut up and learn to accept.
Chapter Twenty-One
Susan’s mother often reminded her children when they were little, “Careful of what you ask for, you might get it.” Susan was painfully aware of that reminder. She had her mundane job back, her time with her family, and plenty of free time. Time to miss Maggie.
Her work was still demanding, but all too often conversation would float around to a certain singer. Susan found her concentration, or lack thereof, a problem. M.J. Carson was nominated for a Golden Globe for her performance in Dining Alone, and then for an Oscar. Business continued to boom and everyone wanted to ask, or talk, about Maggie.
Susan realized she was continuously asking for people to repeat what they were saying. Finally Ed pulled her into his office and commented that she seemed “a little distracted.”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine, just early Alzheimer’s.” Susan’s glib answer did not deter Ed.
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“I’m fine, really.” As she walked back to her office, she mentally added, “Except for the fact that my heart is dying.”
*
The tour schedule was altered. Some of the concerts scheduled for October were pulled into February to allow Maggie more time to prepare for her new movie. Maggie filled the emptiness in her life with more work, trying not to dwell on how much she missed Susan. Several times a day she started to pick up the phone, but she felt awkward and unsure of herself. She didn’t know how to move forward. “Damn, Susan, this could be so much easier if you were here.”
Susan wondered if Maggie even thought about her. Maggie had been gone for a month and had only called twice. She had a fleeting thought that she was just a temporary distraction. “No, Maggie does care about me.”
Finally, Maggie called. “How about flying out for a long weekend? I can get away for a couple of days.”
“I can’t right now. I wish you had called a couple of weeks ago. I could have arranged some time off.”
“Why can’t you do it now? This is the only break I have for the next month.” Before Susan answered, Maggie hung up. An hour later, she called back. “What is so fucking important in your life that you can’t give up a few days to be with me? I rarely know when I’ll have a break when I’m on tour. Surely the things you’re working on can be rescheduled for a couple of days. What do you want me to do? Beg?”
“I’m really busy right now. Most of this is your work.”
“Fuck you,” Maggie spat out and slammed the phone down.
Two weeks later she called again. “Sorry for not calling sooner.” Noise in the background made talking difficult. It was her last night in the United States before leaving for Australia and the international part of her tour. “How are things going?”
“Busy as usual. How’s the tour going?” Susan recognized the emotional defenses she was putting around herself.
“What can I say? Cleveland was cold and damp. Denver was cold, but dry. Seattle is just cold. Hold on.” A knock on her hotel room door interrupted the conversation. “Hey, babe, my breakfast is here.”
Susan looked at her watch. It was almost one on the east coast. Ten o’clock Pacific Time.
“I need to run. One more concert then I can go home for a couple of days. Miss you. Love you.” The conversation was short and impersonal.
Susan stared at the phone and wondered how they had begun to drift apart. Maggie had said she loved her, but it seemed so impersonal. More a California thing. Susan wanted to call Maggie back but was not sure what to say or how to say it. When flowers arrived the next day, Susan closed the door to her office and cried.
*
Weeks later, Paul called and invited Susan to join them at the Academy Awards. M.J. Carson was a hot commodity. She won a People’s Choice Award for her music. She had received several Grammy nominations. Her name was everywhere. It meant she was even more recognizable. Susan’s desire to finally see Maggie had become so strong she was shameless in her eagerness to accept the invitation. She allowed her heart to lead her.
Everything was arranged for her to fly out to California a couple of days early. Time seemed to drag. Her concentration was strained at best as she mentally envisioned the upcoming reunion. She packed and repacked and drove her mother crazy.
“If you ask for the time again,” her mother said, “I’ll scream. Go get packed. Do something. You’ve been moping around, irritated, and short tempered since Maggie left. You get upset when you call and she doesn’t answer. And you get frustrated when she doesn’t call you back right away. Now you’re finally getting to see her and you’re still moping around.”
“Sorry, Mom. I’m just nervous.”
She hugged her. “Just go have a good time. Accept what you have and have a good time.”
Susan loaded her luggage in the car and headed for the airport.
*
In Los Angeles, Susan tried to hide her disappointment when she realized that only Derek was there to pick her up. “Maggie won’t be in until tonight,” he said. “She’s been traveling for at least twelve hours and has quite a few more to go.”
Susan was unable to hide her disappointment. “Does she know I’m coming?”
“Yes, she suggested I call you, but only two seconds before I was going to. She wants you here.”
Later when they returned to the airport to pick up Maggie, they arrived in a limo, courtesy of the studio. This was not the meeting Susan had imagined. Cameras and reporters lined the exit area. People trying to exit the secured area were dazzled at the glaring lights and cameras.
Finally, nearly the last of the passengers to deplane, Maggie was in the terminal. Dressed in designer jeans and a navy blazer, she was as attractive as Susan remembered. Susan saw the light in Maggie’s face and her heart jumped. Time stopped and everyone went into slow motion. The noise, the lights, the people. She tried to imagine w
hat she would say and then panic set in.
“A bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” Paul grabbed Susan’s elbow. “Let’s wait in the limo. It may be a while before they get through the crowd.”
“I understand how important it is to promote the movie, but why couldn’t Maggie have been allowed to leave the plane quietly?”
“There are some studio execs here. They’re going to keep Maggie and the movie in the public eye as long as they can.”
In the limo, Paul asked, “Susan, are you okay?” Susan looked down at her hands and tried to understand. “I haven’t known you long, but I really like you. If something is wrong, I’m a good listener.”
“I feel out of place. When Maggie was in Orlando, I felt like I was losing control over my life. My life focused on where Maggie was going, what she was doing, what we were going to do. And now that she isn’t around, I feel just as lost.”
Paul leaned back and smiled. “She definitely has that ability to disrupt people’s lives. You must feel overwhelmed.”
“It’s more than that. I don’t know where I fit into her life.”
“Where does she fit into your life? You seem to be very committed to your job. Very few people ever get where you are in the entertainment industry. Not many, especially women, are financial power brokers. And you are good.” He hesitated, then continued. “You had a full life before Maggie came into it. Is there room for her in it?”
Words ran around inside Susan’s brain like the Keystone Kops. She was unable to answer. By the time she finally formulated a sentence, the door opened and Maggie was there. She sat next to Susan and put her arm around her. “Home, James. I’m tired.”
“God, I’ve missed you,” she said to Susan. Her kiss left no doubt of her sincerity.