The More I See

by Mondello, Lisa

  The lump he had to swallow was big and hard, but he managed it somehow. He would

  give anything to have been able to see her ride. But he felt it deep down. And she was sharing it with him even if he couldn't experience it himself. That rush. She felt it and now through her, he felt it too.

  "I did see it, darlin'. I did."

  She held onto him tightly, laughing. "When can I do it again?"

  #

  Chapter Ten

  Oh, sweet, merciful Mother of God! Who was the evil heathen who invented the saddle, Lyssa thought as she peeled off her blue jeans that evening. Her thighs were screaming at her, never mind her backside. And they had every right to. She didn't want to look in the mirror and see what hidden part of her had turned shades of blue or purple. She could feel it. Seeing it would only lend a new degree of assault to her already battered body.

  Steam rose from the spout as hot water flowed into the tub in her whirlpool bath. Lyssa hadn't thought she'd need such a luxury when she'd first arrived at the ranch, but now she knew without a doubt that it was an essential part of living here. She couldn't imagine how these cowboys could sit day in and day out astride a horse, using muscles she didn't even realize existed on her body until today, and not feel like they'd been run over by a truck.

  The only place she was going to sit for a good long while was the bathtub. No wonder they all walked around bowlegged, for cripes sake. Nature had to take care of such things over time. But Lyssa wasn't about to wait for nature.

  She climbed into the tub and turned on the jets. Immediately her aching muscles cried out in relief. Leaning her head back against the soft headrest, she smiled, thinking about the day. It had truly been incredible. For all her talk about Cody staying out of his chair by the pool, Lyssa realized she'd stayed in a chair of sorts for the last few years herself. Cody had opened her eyes to that and had given her a gift like nothing else she'd experienced.

  He'd made her feel invincible. His confidence in her and his gentle words of

  encouragement managed to overshadow what confidence she lacked. She had come out the better for it.

  She had realized almost immediately that she truly wanted Cody to be able to see her ride. It wasn't his fault. She just wanted to share that amazing feeling with him.

  He said she had, that he had felt her excitement and that it made it all worthwhile.

  To what end?

  She dunked her whole body under the foamy water, dousing her hair, and emerged again, pushing back the wet tendrils of hair that had fallen in her face.

  There was something special about that man to cause her heart to race like it did. Feel that rush. How long it was likely to last, she had no idea. The way Cody smiled at her, held her in his embrace, made the world tilt on its axis. She didn't want it to end.

  But it would. She was going to be on the ranch only another week or two. So many things would change. Cody expected to have another operation soon and she would go back to Houston to continue training her dogs.

  Something prickly nagged at the nape of her neck. She felt the urge to reach back and brush it away, but she knew it wouldn't help. What nagged at her wasn't something visible. It was the fear that one day Cody would open his eyes and see her. Really see her. And all the wonderful feelings he evoked in her, all the things he thought he saw, would just be an illusion.

  And the rush would end for both of them.

  It was common, she knew. She'd been on both ends. First as a student, looking up to Chad and all he seemed to be, both to her and for her. And then as a teacher herself. All too often, a student mistook feelings of gratitude for love. And after a time, those mistaken feelings became crystal clear.

  It would probably end that way for her and Cody. Right now, he saw her as the one person who'd opened a door that had been cemented shut.

  Lyssa's heart sank and she had to swallow to keep her body from trembling. She couldn't change fate, but she could enjoy the gifts that life offered her today. For now that would have to be enough.

  * * *

  They sat under the same tree as they had that first day they'd gone riding. They sat in the same spot where he'd held her face in his hands.

  Lyssa stifled a sigh. The very last thing she wanted to be was nostalgic or sentimental.

  But there was some degree of that floating around in her subconscious. Something she'd only really begun to see.

  There would soon come a day when she'd leave the Silverado Ranch. She couldn't help but wonder what she'd bring away with her as a keepsake of her time here. No, nothing practical or even tangible. It was more. Something that only Cody was able to see.

  "What's so funny?" he asked, opening up the picnic basket Isadore had helped her prepare that morning.

  She hadn't realized she had laughed aloud at the irony, but apparently she had.

  "Nothing."

  Unconvinced, he gave her a wry grin. "You're a better liar than that."

  "I was just wondering how you knew. That's all."

  "About the right thing to have for lunch? It's all about hunger, Lyssa."

  She rolled her eyes. "I wasn't talking about food."

  Bending over, she lifted the blue cloth napkins and stoneware plates out of the picnic basket they'd brought along. Her hand brushed against the bottle of wine she was sure wasn't there when they'd finished packing the basket earlier and wondered if it had been Isadore or Cody who'd slipped it inside, along with two crystal wine glasses.

  She didn't have to wonder long.

  "We're celebrating," Cody said.

  "Oh? What's the occasion?"

  He poured the wine into two glasses he held by the stems between two fingers, a half grin tilting his mouth.

  "I can think of many things to celebrate. Your riding for one thing. You've come a long way."

  "Thanks to you."

  "No, you're good. A natural, even."

  "How do you know for sure? Maybe I've been fooling you all this time and had Beau sitting on that horse for me."

  He shrugged and handed her one of the glasses.

  "I'd know."

  "Yeah, I know you would."

  "Your laughter is proof enough how much you love it. That's not likely to change. It won't be long before you're competing."

  "It's kind of like a fever, isn't it? Once you catch it, you have it."

  "I know a thing or two about fevers lately."

  Something told her there was more that Cody wasn't saying. "So you brought me out here to celebrate how well I'm doing? Or was there something else?"

  "I got the call from my doctor this morning. My eyes are healed enough to have the corneal replacement surgery. I'm going in next week. Only one eye this time, but that's enough.

  A new technique they're going to try out on me increases the chances of this graft taking. It's still a long shot, and there's no guarantee the new cornea won't be rejected. But if all goes well, I'll be looking into your blue eyes by next week. And that, darlin', is definitely something to celebrate."

  He raised his glass in the air a little and she met him halfway with her own without even thinking. Even as the clink of crystal meeting crystal sounded in the distant hum of animals and insects, a cold dread built up in the pit of her stomach. Lyssa immediately fought to squash it down.

  Tears sprang to her eyes. She was being ridiculous. This was truly a wonderful thing for Cody. Sure, the chances that his surgery would take were still iffy. But there was always hope.

  Sometimes all you had was hope. And she knew firsthand that technology was changing every day. For Cody's doctor to want to try again, he had to feel some confidence that this time it would work. Surely he'd spare Cody the heartbreak otherwise.

  "That's wonderful, Cody. You must be thrilled."

  "If it's so wonderful, how come you're not giving me a big hug?"

  Lyssa closed her eyes and sighed. He was way too good at reading her. His smile faltered as he said the words. She wanted so much to be in his arms right
then. But she feared he'd see right through her. And she didn't quite know how to put these irrational feelings she'd been having into words.

  Still, it wasn't fair to deny him the joy he felt. Putting the wine glass down, she leaned closer to him. She pushed off his hat, and taking his face in her hands, she kissed him. It was sweet and quick and she had to suck in a breath for fear a sob would escape her lips.

  He smiled, reaching his arm around her to give her a squeeze. "That's better. Now I have a favor to ask."

  "What's that?"

  "I'd like you to be there for the surgery."

  "While you're having it?"

  He shook his head. "Not in the room. I'd just like it if you were there. I know it'll probably be boring hanging around during the operation. It's just..."

  She closed her eyes. "Cody, I'm not sure I'm even going to be here next week."

  There, she'd said it. They'd both put off talking about her leaving.

  Cody didn't immediately react to the news. He just sat there, lifted his glass to his lips, and took another sip of wine as if weighing her words as he would savor the first drop of wine.

  He cleared his throat. "What's so pressing that you need to go running off now?"

  "Nothing that hasn't been there all along. My work."

  He simply nodded.

  "The school was prepared for me to be here the four weeks, but now ..."

  "You've finished your business here?"

  Her shoulders sagged and she pulled away from him, glancing down at her hands folded in her lap.

  "Cody, you don't need me anymore. You really haven't needed me for days now. But other students do."

  "I see. I thought you liked being here at the ranch."

  Her heart broke, and she had to clamp her teeth down on her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. "I do."

  His lips lifted a fraction. "Then there's no reason you can't stay for a while longer."

  "There's another class starting in a matter of days. Other students that need to be trained.

  It's time for me to go home."

  Even as she said the words they gnawed at her.

  "Other students, huh?"

  "It was never supposed to be forever, Cody."

  She said the last part quietly, almost to herself, as if it would somehow convince her too.

  "Things are different now than when you came here."

  Her heart ached just thinking about it. Things had changed, for her anyway. She'd fallen in love with Cody, despite knowing it would only hurt her in the end.

  She pushed an errant strand of hair from her face that the wind insisted on forcing back in front of her eyes. "In some ways nothing has changed."

  He laughed. "Darlin', a whole lot has changed for me since the day you stepped onto that patio by the pool. You mean to tell me I'm wrong about that? I wasn't just dreaming about you being in my arms, Lys. You were there. Both of us together."

  "My reason for being here hasn't changed."

  "Why should it change anything?"

  "Because it does. I have to leave, Cody." Or I'm never going to know if what you feel for me is real. "I'm your instructor. You're my student. Feelings have a way of getting mixed up in a situation like ours."

  "Funny. All this time I was thinking . . ."

  "What?"

  "That what we had was special. A relationship."

  She smiled, but didn't feel it in her heart. "Of course it is, Cody. We've become close."

  His voice dripped with sarcasm as he spoke. "Close. Is that how you see us?"

  Lyssa fought the tears that were filling her eyes, but one escaped anyway and slowly trailed down her cheek. "I like being with you, Cody."

  He simply nodded.

  "You don't understand," she said, shaking her head.

  "No, I hear what you're saying, Lyssa. There's never been anything wrong with my hearing."

  She inched closer to him, wanting to reach her hand up to touch him, but held herself back. "No, I don't think you really do. You see, I've been here before. I know what it's like to have someone come into your world and change it. I'd been with Chad for over a year and I thought I loved him."

  Cody turned away from her, effectively shutting her out as far as she could tell. But she reached for him, placing her hands on both sides of his face, forcing him to face her, even if he couldn't see her. She needed him to understand.

  "Chad was my instructor and I thought he was my world. What I didn't know until I was finally able to see with my eyes was that he was in love with my sister."

  Cody mumbled something under his breath that Lyssa was sure she didn't need to know.

  "Thing is, as crushed as I was at first, I realized that I wasn't actually seeing Chad for who he was. There were a lot of things I had refused to see about us because I really wanted what I thought we had to be real."

  "And it wasn't?"

  "No. I thought I needed him. I thought he was my soul mate, if you believe in such things. And I did. But I realized soon after we broke up that I'd made up a lot of what I thought we had because I wanted it to be true. And everything we didn't have had been plain the whole time. I just didn't want to see it."

  "You think I'm doing that with us."

  She closed her eyes. "I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that when I leave here, you're going to be fine without me."

  "No, I need you, Lys." He reached for her hand, stroking her skin with his fingers.

  "You think you do. But you're going to be fine without me, Cody."

  The tears she fought to hold back fell freely now. "This wasn't one-sided, Cody. Being here with you has made me find something I didn't know existed in me before."

  He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "Then what are you so afraid of now? That my feelings for you aren't real? Because let me tell you, there's never been anything that has felt more real to me in my life that this, holding you like this. Or is this something you're not willing to take a risk on?"

  "I've never been much for risks."

  "I thought it could be ... never mind. Drink your wine."

  She stared down at the glass she'd propped on the blanket before she'd moved closer to Cody. It was too far to reach.

  No matter. Lyssa didn't much feel like celebrating. But this wasn't about them. It never really was. A few kisses. Some softly spoken words didn't make reality any different. It didn't mean they were forever.

  Truth was, Lyssa truly did want it to be forever. But some crucial things hadn't even come into play yet. Cody needed to think about his surgery. And Lyssa wanted so desperately for him to see her exactly as he saw her now. She wanted him to always believe she was the beautiful woman he saw in his mind. And she desperately wanted to believe that all these feelings he felt for her were real. If he got his eyesight back, he wouldn't need her reassuring hand anymore. He wouldn't look at her the same way at all.

  "I need to check in with Catherine, the director of the school. If it means that much to you that I be there for your surgery, then I'll be there." They had, at the very least, a friendship that she wouldn't deny or ignore. And she would be there for Cody even if the next few days were nothing but torture.

  "It does," he said, his voice very quiet. "Thank you."

  No matter how strong a man Cody was, he was still afraid and Lyssa recognized the fear his voice held. Her heart ached for him as she recalled the fright she'd felt just before her operation. There was always hope for a miracle, but it was riddled with a gnawing fear that that miracle would never come.

  Cody had already undergone surgery before, only to be denied his miracle. Something told Lyssa that this time around they were both going to need one.

  * * *

  The morning of Cody's surgery had come quicker than anyone had anticipated. It brought with it both anticipation and anxiety for Lyssa. Cody could possibly be able to see the world around him again. But that meant Lyssa had to leave.

  Beau was already in the kitchen when she wal
ked in that morning. Cody was still

  upstairs, tending to Otis and packing an overnight bag for his stay at the hospital. Beau poured himself a cup of coffee and joined her at the table before he said a word.

  "Isadore asked me to give this to you before she left for the market," he said, sliding a folded pink slip of paper across the table.

  Lyssa swallowed a sip of coffee before reaching for the slip and giving it a quick glance.

  She groaned when she read the message from Catherine. She folded the paper and stuffed it in her pocket.

  Beau stared down into his cup. "He's not the same man he was when you first got here."

  "No, he's not."

  "Never thought I'd see it. He's actually smiling. Half the time I don't even think he knows it, but you've gone and made him happy. It's the damnedest thing."

  "It's not me, it's him."

  Beau looked at her directly. "You underestimate yourself and what you do for him."

  Lyssa shook her head and laughed. "You're giving me too much credit, and you underestimate him. You've all been doing it for months. When a person gets down like Cody was, it's hard to see a way out. But now he's done it. He's climbed out of that hole. No matter what happens with this surgery, I don't think he'll be going back."

  "That was one hell of a climb."

  "Yes, it was."

  "I'm glad you were there to help him."

  "I didn't do anything more than my job, Beau."

  "Didn't you?"

  "I did my job. Cody did the rest."

  Beau sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I haven't been around much these last few years, but I know my brother. He's not one to come right out and say what's on his mind unless he's ticked off. And then he says plenty. Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of that on more occasions than I care to mention."

  A smile tugged at her lips. "He says what needs to be said."

  "I hope so. And if he's not, I hope you're looking at his words real hard and reading between the lines."

  Leaning forward, Beau rested his elbows on the table, arms crossed in front of him.