“Not now,” Stephanie hissed looking fearfully around Cass at the children.
“They can’t hear us, they are busy playing, please Stephanie, tell me what’s wrong?” Cass pleaded.
Stephanie felt awful for what she was putting Cass through, she could see the genuine concern on her face, and her eyes were filled with anxiety. She glanced down at the dish she was washing and gulped as she glanced once more into the living room. Shaking her head her eyes began to fill with tears. Cass made a movement to take her in her arms but she held up her hand. “I realized today what we did was wrong…that we are going to go to hell over it…I can’t stay here…I love you but I can’t jeopardize my children or their souls…” she blubbered almost incoherently.
Cass stared at her as she tried to make sense over the disjointed sentences Stephanie was saying. When the complete idea hit her she began to smile, it wasn’t as bad as she had thought.
Stephanie misinterpreted her smile and straightening her spine she hissed, “It isn’t funny!”
Cass immediately lost the smile that threatened, shaking her head she grabbed Stephanie’s arms in her hands, she wanted to shake her for the fear that had lanced through her with her worry but instead she just held her attention, “Nothing we did was wrong. Don’t you think God put you in my path for a reason? There is nothing wrong with loving another human being!”
“But the bible says…” Stephanie began to argue.
“There is NOTHING in the bible that says it is wrong for one woman to lie with another or love another, no WHERE in the bible does it say it is wrong!” Cass said adamantly. “I’ve read the bible many times in my life; don’t you think I felt exactly as you did, I worried over my eternal soul? I don’t think God made people like myself to have them go directly to hell.” She still had to restrain herself from shaking sense into Stephanie as she mentally relaxed, “I went through hell here on earth until I realized that God put me here for a reason. I firmly believe you were put in my path for a reason as well. I don’t think God would have allowed this to happen if it wasn’t meant to be.”
“But it says…” she still tried to argue but the argument didn’t seem as strong in the face of what Cass was saying.
“I challenge you to fine ANYWHERE in the bible that says it’s wrong for a woman to sleep with another woman or to love another woman. It says it is wrong for two men to lie together, the bible was written by men, interpreting God’s word, I don’t think he would leave out something so important if it were important. He put you in my path to love and keep,” Cass stopped herself, she felt like crying, she had gone through all this before and done it to herself, by herself. She hadn’t even had someone to talk to about it, by then her affair with her girlfriend had been decided for her, without even a fight. Instead she had been alone and plagued with her guilt and anger over the unfairness of the situation, over thinking she was going to go to hell, that she had sinned, that she was immoral, and that something was wrong with her. Her silence had bothered her mother but she found solace in the bible and read many passages over and over again until she realized the hard truths. She hadn’t done anything wrong; she had just loved the wrong woman. She had thought she would never find another woman to love but God had rewarded her with Stephanie, she wasn’t going to let anyone, including Stephanie jeopardize their newly found love.
Stephanie let what Cass had been saying sink in, she was afraid, but she realized that she did love Cass, she hadn’t wanted to leave, and it was winter, where would she go? How would she explain to anyone else why she had left? She realized though the arguments that Cass presented her with were valid. She would read her bible closer but she couldn’t recall a single verse that said it was wrong for two women to be together. She also astutely realized that humans, and more specifically their neighbors and friends wouldn’t understand. If she pursued this relationship it meant she would never again be with a man, possibly never have any more children. She looked up into Cass’s earnest face and realized she didn’t want to be with a man again, she didn’t care if she didn’t have more children; she wanted Cass and couldn’t bear to think of losing her. She sobbed slightly as she wrapped her dripping hands around the taller woman and hugged her gratefully. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she sobbed as Cass comforted her.
“Shh, shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’ve felt the same way myself, shhh,” Cass held her close as she rocked her slightly.
They stood there a while as Stephanie sobbed in relief and Cass comforted her, patting and rubbing her back. They didn’t realize the passage of time until they heard Timmy’s voice, “Is Mama Okay?”
They pulled back and began to laugh, Stephanie sniffling and laughing to cover her feelings and Cass to cover up her own emotions and feelings as she turned to the little boy to distract him. “Yep, your mama just needed a hug right now and I gave her a big one, why don’t you give her one?”
Timmy ran and hugged his mother around the legs and Stephanie bent down to return the little boys hug. He looked up and could tell she had been crying, “Are you okay Mama?”
She nodded as she smiled and glanced up at Cass who smiled through her own impending tears as she headed off Tommy by joining him in the living room and leaving Stephanie alone with Timmy. It wasn’t long before the little boy joined them in the living room and began to play with Cass and Tommy. Cass looked up later and saw Stephanie drying a dish as she watched the three of them play on the living room rug. She raised an eyebrow in question and Stephanie took a deep breath as she nodded.
“I’m sorry, I was so silly,” she said later as they met in the middle of their bed and just held each other.
“No, not silly, just doubtful. I went through the same thing over a much longer time and alone before I found comfort in the bible and realized those things I told you. It took longer because I’m a lot more stubborn. Don’t ever shut me out like that though; let’s always talk things through…”
Stephanie nodded as she looked down at the buttons on Cass’s nightgown. “I guess I have a lot to learn.”
Cass smiled, that could mean so much but she wasn’t in the mood to teach her. The emotional upheaval they had both weathered but it had also killed any desire to continue her education. Holding her was enough for now; she needed comfort, not loving. It satisfied them both for now.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cass regretted that impulse to just hold Stephanie and not take advantage of the moment to make love to her when she could. Suddenly she was terribly busy with the farm. A pack of wolves must have moved into the area and repeated attempts were made to attack the poultry pens and the barn itself. The dogs were going nuts trying to defend the barn as Cass locked it up tight to protect her stock. She spent several nights in the barn herself with her guns nearby and setting traps. After the third wolf was caught in the traps she got no more that way but shot two and still they came. She wondered at that as a wolf was normally a shy creature but as suddenly as the attacks had come they stopped. They hadn’t managed to get into the poultry pens but a lot of repairs would be necessary before she could let them out in the fenced in enclosures from tears in the wire. Days were spent repairing the breaks.
“Are you okay?” Stephanie asked after several sleepless nights that Cass had in the barn and the endless work days and now extra work because of the attacks.
Cass had nearly fallen asleep over her dinner with her fork halfway to her mouth and she pulled herself up in surprise. She smiled in answer to the question, “I just need a good night’s sleep,” she answered. It was more than that. Her mind had played on her in the endless hours of guarding the stock in the barn. She had dozed but not too deeply, prepared to jump up and defend her stock against the marauders had kept her tense. A growl from one of the dogs who were also on edge would have her up and awake looking through the night out of the corners of her eyes to see if she could spot the slinking shapes against the snow. It also gave her a lot of time to think, about herself, Stephanie, and their futu
re. Living together wouldn’t be a problem, people had accepted that Stephanie was her housekeeper and would continue to believe that, they would just have to be careful around the children about their new relationship. She wondered at what Stephanie was thinking, it had been a week since they had been together and Stephanie’s doubts had risen. She had had a lot of time to think.
Stephanie had found that she didn’t like sleeping alone, knowing that Cass was out in the barn defending their livelihood against the wolves. The five carcasses had been gutted and skinned, the pelts were beautiful but even still, not having her in the house very often except for meals wasn’t enough. She had taken Cass’s advice and re-read her bible looking for possible passages that would tell her that what she believed was a sin. She found none as Cass had said, it wasn’t a sin for a woman to sleep with another. Personally Stephanie believed the bible being written by men from God’s word gave it a male slant. If you interpreted it literally man sleeping with man could be taken many ways. She supposed it all depended on your interpretation. The thought that God had put her in Cass’s path was a comfort; things happened for a reason, she agreed with Cass on that. Cass had saved them from a precarious position and for that alone she was forever grateful. There was a more though, Cass was an admirable person and woman, she worked very hard to provide them with a house and home and Stephanie realized she was in love with the woman, not as a friend but as a helpmeet, even as a lover. When she thought of their night together where they had made love she got warm and bothered, she wondered when they would be together again. She was anxious, even eager to learn more. She knew Cass hadn’t had true fulfillment as she had and she wanted to know how to do that. During the days she was at her chores and taking care of the boys she had a lot of time to think, during nights she found it worse as she lay in their bed alone wondering and thinking.
Cass followed the tracks into the woods, deep into the Northwood’s and determined wherever this pack had come from, and it was a large pack, they had gone back from where they had come from, with five less members. Their pelts would help pay for the damage they had done and her sleepless nights. She came across a bear mark that she had never seen before, it had to stretch seven feet high. Bears mark trees to show who is the biggest around and mark their area from other bears. If another bear couldn’t stretch that high as the one’s mark it knew it shouldn’t challenge him for his area and should move on, at least that’s what bears did. Cass was a way’s from her farm and couldn’t help but think how grateful she was that this one was far away from her home. She was relieved that wherever it lived it had to be hibernating at this time of year.
Cass also came across signs of the boar she knew as living in the woods. She marked the trail carefully, intending to come back and hunt this wild boar. She thought perhaps she should use him as a breeder for her pigs but she didn’t want his wild strain to show up in the nasty and wild piglets she had already gotten. Her mama pig was wild enough and this would be her last season, Cass already had a couple of piglets left that she thought would replace mama.
Cass set her trap lines carefully around the farm keeping an eye out for the boar, any bears that hadn’t hibernated yet, and other varmints that could provide her with additional income. These lines didn’t occupy all her time and cutting trees and logging them to the mill took up most of her time. As a result when she returned to sleeping in the house she was just too physically tired to do much. Stephanie seemed preoccupied as she studied her bible but at the same time she wanted to know more of what a relationship with a woman would entail, but she could see Cass was exhausted from working so hard and didn’t make the first move. She felt a little rejected when Cass didn’t even try other than casual affection, the same she gave the boys.
It wasn’t that Cass hadn’t thought about making love to Stephanie since that first time. It was on her mind pretty heavily actually, she herself had not found release and anticipated having it since then. Then the work got in the way, they both had their periods, and time got away from her. She was feeling the frustration as well. She had to concentrate on her work or the distraction might prove fatal so she tried to put it aside until she had more free time but on a farm that time was only when they were in bed and she was just too tired to do anything about it.
It was a few days later when Cass woke up to find that Stephanie had the light on and was watching her sleep, glancing at the clock she realized it was almost time to get up anyway. “What’s wrong?” she asked sleepily.
“I don’t know how to ask this,” Stephanie began hesitantly her eyes glancing away in embarrassment at being caught watching her so closely but taking a deep breath she overcame her insecurity and asked, “Have you stopped wanting me?”
Cass woke up fully instantly and sat up partially leaning back on her elbows. “Of course not.” She realized how upset Stephanie looked and her heart reached out to her as her hand cupped her cheek. “I love you, don’t you get that? I want you, life just got in the way.” She leaned over to kiss Stephanie but she turned slightly so the lips grazed her cheek.
“I don’t know what I expected but…” here she felt unsure again, not knowing how to continue, feeling inadequate. “I thought you would want more…” she began again.
Cass didn’t allow her to continue; using the hand on her cheek she forced Stephanie to face her and looked deeply into her eyes which were beginning to fill with tears. “I love you Stephanie, I want this more than you can possibly imagine, I’m sorry if work got in the way of us exploring this further. I do want more,” she leaned in to kiss Stephanie’s lips holding her head in place so she couldn’t turn and to shush any argument she might continue. She deepened it immediately. She would have liked to have her teeth brushed after a night of sleeping but knew that Stephanie needed what she was about to show her.
Stephanie, used to being the meeker partner in a relationship after having been married to her husband immediately allowed Cass the ‘superior’ position. It was worth it to have Cass kissing her like this again. She had craved it and didn’t have the nerve to initiate it herself. She loved how it felt to be kissing Cass, she knew so much more than Stephanie about kissing, but Stephanie didn’t realize she was a fast learner. Cass actually gasped in delight as Stephanie began sucking on her tongue as Cass gently probed to arouse her. The smile that Cass gave her when Stephanie pulled back to see if she was causing her pain with the gasp was reward to encourage the shy woman.
Stephanie shivered in anticipation of what she sensed was coming as Cass’s hands began to wrap around her and slowly raise her nightgown. She found herself craven in wanting Cass’s touch and what she could do to her body. She had thought many times that she had imagined what had occurred in the previous weeks. She had also worked through her worries that it was unnatural or a sin and instead realized how much they both loved each other, how compatible they really were, and how much God had blessed her with since meeting Cass. She was willing to give up anything to be with this woman, future children, a husband, anything to be with her. She wanted to be a good lover to her and had spent a lot of time thinking about what she would do to Cass if this situation arose again, how she would please her, how she might please her.
Cass loved the feel of skin on skin and her legs began to caress against Stephanie’s, the hair on them feeling like silk as they rubbed together under the warmth of the covers. Her caresses brought goose bumps to her lover’s body. Slowly and determinedly she removed Stephanie’s bed clothes. Her own gown immediately followed. Feeling the warmth of Stephanie’s body against her own she wanted to ravish it, she wanted it so badly, needed it so much, but she also didn’t want to frighten her, she was so new to all of this. The intensity of her feelings surprised her. Gently she kissed the submissive woman and pulled back asking her, “What would you like to do?”
Stephanie was startled. Although she had many thoughts on the subject, the reality was that she expected Cass to lead her. She had so enjoyed their previous lovemaking th
at she hadn’t realized the hopes of more had clouded her thinking. She had assumed so much. Now, faced with the reality of Cass’s lovemaking and being asked what she wanted her mind went blank. She shyly hid her face in Cass’s neck.
Cass understood. It was too much yet for her lover to make her wishes known. As much as Cass wanted a willing and inventive partner, Stephanie wasn’t ready to make the advances and moves that would tell Cass what she wanted exactly. In lieu of a declaration Cass continued to kiss and caress her, inflaming her desires and teaching her to enjoy whatever Cass wished to bestow upon her. Her own tentative caresses were encouraged and appreciated. Just having Stephanie naked beside her had Cass becoming aroused at the possibilities.
Slowly she kissed her all over her torso, finding ticklish little spots that caresses smoothed over but that licking, kissing, and nibbling aroused. She firmly caressed, her hard calloused hands causing endless joy as she touched Stephanie all over her body avoiding the one spot that she unconsciously presented over and over again. Her long strong arms easily manipulated Stephanie’s body to touch and feel it in every spot. She saw and felt Stephanie’s arousal, her nipples were hard with desire, the milk in them making them huge and erect, her body was primed, her head thrown back as she gasped when Cass touched a particularly sensitive spot on her, the scent of her musky arousal wafted to Cass’s nostrils as she kissed her way south.
Stephanie felt like she was in heaven. Every inch of her body felt sensitized at Cass’s touch. She herself didn’t even know that a caress behind the knee could feel so incredible, or that her back could be played like a musical instrument as she arched and caught her breath at each new touch, each new feeling, the cravings for more increasing. She wanted Cass to touch her between her legs again but couldn’t verbalize it, her body told Cass in many ways but Cass allowed it to build, made it wait and want it more. Stephanie’s own hands reached out for the strong shoulders and kneaded them with her fingertips, she saw that it affected Cass when she could see goose bumps on her flesh and felt the intensity of her kisses in return. On a subconscious level she realized the beginnings of her own awareness of the power she held within herself and how she affected Cass. At the moment though she only wanted to feel what Cass was doing to her, how she was affecting her, how she made love to her…
The Journey Home Page 16