Singing those new songs, knowing Ethan was there hearing them, pushed her. It drove her. She put all her emotions over the past few months into this performance. And it was too much. She definitely could not do that night after night.
She went to the mirror to finish getting ready. As the hot air dried her hair, she wondered whether Luke and Ethan would meet her backstage. Though nervous at that possibility, she really wished Ethan would be there. She wanted to see him. Her eyes found him a lot during the concert. Every chance she got, her eyes would search him out. And every time his gaze was locked on her, listening. Occasionally she saw misery flash across his face. That hurt. She didn’t want to see his pain, his pity, his helplessness.
Without a doubt, Mia knew how much he wanted to help her, despite the fact that he had no idea what she was facing. A part of her wanted that help. She didn’t want to leave him, but there was this huge force pushing her to do this on her own. She didn’t understand it, but it felt like the right way to do this, to deal with the fallout of her damaged adolescence. Ethan, with all his wonderful ways, made things too safe. Normally that was a good thing, but what happened on this tour showed her that she wouldn’t always be able to rely on Ethan; he wouldn’t always be there when she needed him. When those demons unexpectedly came knocking while on tour, she had been severely unprepared.
That needed to be fixed. Problem was she had absolutely no idea how.
Sighing, Mia put away the dryer along with the rest of her stuff. She fussed with her hair a tad bit longer, leaving it loose and a little unruly. Grabbing her phone and stuffing it in the pocket of her hoodie, she made her way to the green room. As she approached the room, she heard all the happy voices. Lots of laughter tonight. She smiled and snuck over to the drinks.
She frowned as she perused the drink table. Why the hell wasn’t there any coffee? There was always coffee for her. It was her drink of choice, especially now that she wasn’t drinking. She’d have to make sure this little mistake didn’t happen tomorrow. Resigned, she looked around and saw that there was tea. Guess that would have to do. She grabbed a cup, added an Earl Grey tea bag, and carefully filled it with hot water. After it brewed, she’d add a little honey. She couldn’t wait to drink this. She hoped it would soothe her throat. After her little crying spell, she’d felt a twinge at the back of her throat, but it had gone away. That was until she oh-so-gracefully threw up in a garbage can. With only two more shows in Indianapolis and then the final shows in Detroit, she hoped she wouldn’t lose her voice.
Pulling her hoodie higher on her neck, she sought out her bandmates—her brothers from other mothers. They were being their normal, entertaining selves tonight. Everybody gathered around them. The girls fawning over them, even the occasional male. She was surprised no one had come up to her yet, but she wouldn’t complain one bit.
Mia scanned the room and sadly didn’t see Ethan or Luke. Letting out a big sigh, she removed the tea bag and tossed it in the trash. She added honey to her tea and considered going back to the dressing room to chill by herself. Instead, she made her way to the empty love seat and curled up with her drink. With the first sip of tea, she moaned loudly—the hot liquid felt so good on her raw throat.
Putting her head back against the sofa, she closed her eyes. Exhaustion didn’t even begin to cover what she felt at the moment. Last night she slept like shit. Thoughts of Ethan kept her awake. Her mind couldn’t let go of the sex they had or the words that were said.
He still wanted her. That surprised the hell out of her. He still loved her. Another surprise. And the biggest surprise of all, she didn’t take him back. She said goodbye. Even though she loved him and still wanted him. Why the hell did she insist she do this on her own? Why was she not letting him help?
She shook her head. All she had were questions. How the hell was she going to do this? What was she even doing? How does one go about fighting their past? She had no idea how to fight the monsters from her past, but she had a feeling it involved a lot of no-holds-barred kind of thinking, no hiding from it, and confronting it head on. Everything she had not done up to this point.
Bah, she thought. Not something she wanted to think about tonight.
“Hi,” said the source of some of the chaos in her mind. Her eyes flew open and she was treated to Ethan, looking all sexy in his khaki trousers and his black, V-neck sweater that he wore over an untucked, white T-shirt. He looked yummy. Hell, when did he not?
“Hi,” she said quietly, blaming the catch in her voice on the scratchiness in her throat, not her reaction to how good he looked.
“May I?” he said, gesturing to the open seat next to her. She moved her feet and he sat beside her.
“Glad you could make it,” she said honestly. His presence made her instantly feel better. The uncertainty she felt earlier evaporated with him there.
“Are you?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.
“I am,” she responded with a small smile. “So, uh, where’s Luke? I thought I saw him with you . . .”
Ethan laughed. “Well, I got a text from him that he, uh, found someone to keep him company tonight.”
“That slut!” she said, laughing and wondering who he could be with.
When he rested his large hands on his knees, all she could think about was having those hands on her knees, caressing her.
You will put your hand on my knee, she thought in her best attempt at using The Force. She smiled at her silliness, but her eyebrows quickly shot up when his hand found her knee and gave it a squeeze.
Fuck, that actually worked!
“Mia?”
She shook her head. “Yes?”
He opened his mouth to speak, stopped, then paused in thought. “So . . . those new songs.”
“Uh, yeah . . . those,” she said, relieved that he brought it up, curious to know what he thought. “Care to share your thoughts?”
“Messages to me?” he asked, his hand still on her leg, his thumb rhythmically stroking her inner knee.
“Yes,” she answered, surprised that she could still use the brain he was currently turning to mush with his soft caresses.
He nodded his head; messages received. Turning the hand on her knee palm-side up, he waited for her to take it. After she laced her fingers in his, he brought her hand to his lips, his warm mouth somehow sending that simple touch straight to her heart.
“You’re going to make me cry,” she said quietly, tears filling her eyes.
“I saw enough of your tears today.”
She was about to comment on that when Marty approached them. “Sorry to interrupt,” he said, kneeling down in front of Mia. “How you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Want me to ask the staff for something? Toast? Crackers?”
“No, thanks. I’m good.”
“You sure?”
She nodded, secretly loving how protective he was of her. She may be the lead singer of the band, but Marty was the heart and soul.
“Okay,” he smiled, getting up to leave.
“What’s up with you? Why is Marty asking how you are?” Ethan asked as his face creased in concern.
“Uh, well, I kind of threw up once I walked off stage.”
“You feeling okay?”
“Yeah. Now,” she said, looking down at their joined hands. “It was a little harder than I thought having you at the show. I wasn’t expecting you to come when I made the changes. I didn’t think I’d be singing my heart out like that.”
“To be honest, I am glad I got to be here to see it. I didn’t enjoy the tears, but that performance was simply beautiful. So heartfelt. I was so proud of you.”
“You were proud of me?” Mia asked, more surprised than she thought she’d be at hearing that. She was certain he would be upset, but proud . . . didn’t even cross her mind.
“Yes. You had people captivated. Many had their own tears. They shared that moment with you. And did you hear them after you were done? They knew what an awesome performance t
hat was and they let you know it.”
“I’ve never heard you say that you were proud of me before,” she commented, her voice full of disbelief.
He looked at her in surprise. “Really? I’ve always been proud of you!”
“Even when I’ve screwed up?”
“I may have been upset but I was always proud of you. I still loved you.”
Through the good and bad, he loved her and he loved her still. Why couldn’t she have remembered that instead of letting the loneliness and sadness overtake everything?
Releasing his hand, she placed her tea on the floor before sitting back up. She regarded his strong jaw, his honey eyes, and that bottom lip that she wanted to tug on with her teeth.
Yesterday they parted ways, but right now, it definitely didn’t feel like it. Right now, Mia didn’t want it to be the case. With her eyes locked on his mouth, she leaned into him, lightly placing her lips upon his in a slow, tender kiss.
She moved back, just slightly, her eyes searching his to see if he was upset that she kissed him. “I know we said goodbye yesterday . . .” she started.
“I know, but here’s the thing, Mia. I don’t think I can ever quit you.”
God, he’s killing my willpower with his words, she thought, sitting back down. She reclined against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He slipped his arm around her, holding her close, making her feel safe. Her eyes fluttered shut when his warm lips found her forehead.
She should respond to what he’d said, but she had nothing. She didn’t want to leave him. She liked being like this. It was home, right where she belonged.
“Ethan?”
“Hmm?” he replied contently, his head resting against hers. She took a deep breath. Normally this wouldn’t be so hard, but things were in that weird, unknown phase and she didn’t know how to act.
“Would you come back with me tonight, because it, um . . .” she stuttered and turned in her seat to regard him, “it appears that I am not ready to say goodbye yet either.”
“Yes, Mia,” he replied, his golden eyes intent on her. She gently placed her lips on his and when he moved his mouth against hers, the need to be closer to him overwhelmed her. She had to feel his body against hers. Straddling his body, she loosely wrapped her arms around his neck, intensifying their kiss. When his tongue brushed against her lips, she opened them to him and moaned deep in her throat the instant their tongues met. His strong hands on her hips held her to him, showing her what this kiss did to him.
Mia wanted him. His hands all over her body. Hers on his. She wanted to feel him hard inside of her. Her hips rocking against him. His arching up to meet hers.
She pressed her breasts against his chest, her core sliding and grinding along his erection. Her need for him was so powerful, so raw, that she sort of forgot that she was in the green room full of people until she heard all the hoots and whistles coming from the other side of the room. With a little embarrassment, she chuckled against his lips while showing her bandmates her favorite middle finger salute.
“Ouch, Mia. That hurt! We were just cheering you on. We know that getting laid makes you happy,” Marty laughed from across the room.
Climbing off Ethan, she turned to face everyone. “To my bandmates, sometimes I wonder why I love you fuckers. Thank you for such an amazing show. To everyone else, thank you for coming and supporting us tonight. Now I am getting the hell out of here. See you all tomorrow.”
She turned to Ethan, holding out her hand for him. “Ready?”
He rose from the loveseat and enveloped her hand in his much larger one.
“I just have to get my bag and coat,” she informed him.
Hurrying into the dressing room, she grabbed her things and returned to the corridor to find him leaning against the wall. She wanted to slide her arms around his waist and rest her head against his strong chest and just listen to his heartbeat, letting it calm her like always.
Would he still provide that to her? What were they even doing going back to her room? Was this just sex? Or was it about love?
“I’m ready now,” she said, throwing on her coat. She knew what she wanted tonight—love. “Did you drive here?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I’ll go with you.”
Mia walked by his side as they made their way out of the arena. She couldn’t believe she was so nervous. They had been together for two years. But in this moment, it felt like their first time all over again.
Ethan pushed open the large, metal door and the cool air shocked her. She buttoned up her coat and stuffed her hands in her pockets. She worried that even though they still loved each other, doing this with him tonight might make for a bad situation. Because instead of being together at the end of this, they would still go their separate ways. Hopefully, for only a short amount of time. She was holding on to that. That thought kept her strong through all this, that at the end of her journey, Ethan would be there, waiting for her.
Her churning brain halted mid-thought. That was a lot to ask of him. To put his life on hold while she fixed hers. Was that even fair? Fuck, she didn’t know what to do.
He grabbed her hand, bringing her back to him. “Where are you staying?”
“My home away from home,” she joked. The smile he gave her appeared sad, but she couldn’t tell if it was because of the bad lighting or her guilt.
He opened the car door for her. She got in and closed it as he made his way to the driver’s side and entered.
“Ethan?”
“Yes, suga?” he said, starting the car. She reached over the center console and kissed him.
“You’re awfully quiet,” she observed, running her knuckles along his cheek.
“I am?” he said, his voice a little distant, like she was pulling him from his thoughts.
“Yeah,” she said with a nod.
What is going through that mind of yours, Ethan? Do I even want to know? she mused.
“Oh,” he said thoughtfully. He placed his hand to her cheek. “Do you want me to talk or do you want me to take you to the hotel?”
“Hotel, please,” she said, sitting back down and buckling her seatbelt. “I’m cold.”
“I could warm you up,” he suggested.
“I know you can. And I would like that.”
He turned the heat on full blast and laughed. “There you go.”
She glared at him. She walked right into that one. “Not funny.”
“Oh, it was pretty funny,” he said, putting the car in drive and heading out of the parking lot.
The ride to the hotel was extremely short. He parked the car in the parking garage and they made the walk to the hotel lobby.
“Good evening, Miss Devereux,” the front desk clerk called out. Mia smiled over at her as they continued to the elevators. Ethan pressed the button and took her hand. As they rode the elevator up to her floor, she reminisced about them and this hotel. The last time she’d stayed here, they’d just met, the beginning of their relationship. This was where they made love for the first time. She started to fall in love with him in one of these rooms.
In her own thoughts, she entered her room, quickly kicking off her shoes and shedding her jacket, throwing it on the chair. In that moment, routine kicked in and she forgot that Ethan was with her. She continued taking off her clothes as she went into the bathroom, leaving him behind. Grabbing the sheer black nightgown with the ruffled high-low hem that she had worn last night, she slipped it over her head.
“I was really enjoying all the clothes being removed,” he remarked when she came back. She quickly glanced around, not believing what she had just done. She lifted her gaze to his eyes and found them dark with desire. Guess he really didn’t mind.
“Oh, really? Would you like me to take it off?”
“What do you think?” he said, the corner of his mouth curling up in a sexy half smile.
Closing the distance between them, she grabbed the hem of the nightgown and drew it back over her head, leaving h
er naked before him . . . vulnerable.
“So damn perfect,” he said wistfully, reaching out and lightly skimming his fingers down her stomach, sending small shivers throughout her body. She hadn’t been fully undressed before his eyes, his hands, since that day in December when they spent the day in a hotel near Chicago’s O’Hare airport. That was the last time they had been naked, touching each other, loving each other. Bare to each other.
“Are you leaving or are you going to stay awhile?” she asked, going for the sexy voice she knew he loved, trying desperately to keep the sadness out of it. She fingered the flap of his jacket, looking up at his handsome face.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he answered, removing his coat and tossing it on hers.
“I like that answer,” she replied as he continued removing his clothes until he stood gloriously naked before her, gorgeous and strong, his erection pointing right at her.
Mia wanted to kiss every inch of his magnificent body, starting with his mouth before working her way down to his cock. She could be patient when she wanted. Standing on her tip toes, she parted her lips and kissed him, feeling his cock jab against her belly. He surprised her when he bent down and lifted her in his arms, not breaking the kiss. She smiled, gazing up in his eyes, and wrapped her arms around him.
He carried her to the bed, gently placing her down. Looked like he was the impatient one tonight, she thought. His eyes moved over every inch of her body, caressing her with just his gaze.
“Ethan?” she asked hesitantly, wondering what captured his attention.
His eyes returned to her face, brimmed with passion and tenderness. She smiled sadly. They hadn’t even made love yet and it already felt so bittersweet. The love he had in his eyes filled her with such happiness, but at the same time, she felt so miserable. Nothing would change after this. She would still leave this wonderful man who loved her more than anyone ever had, more than she thought she ever deserved. But if she learned one thing in her life, it was that sometimes love was not enough. Look at her parents—her love for her father and her mother. It didn’t keep her mother from walking out of her life. It didn’t keep her dad from withdrawing and forgetting his love for his daughter.
Still Into You Page 4