“So, I was texting with Mia and we were talking about you moving on and I may have said that you’re not serious about them. ‘Them’ being the key word. That upset her.”
“She was upset?”
“Yeah. She was.”
That meant he still got to her; he still meant something to her.
“That’s good.”
Luke slowly shook his head back and forth. “No, I don’t think so. It means she moves on, too.”
Mia moving on? No.
“But she hasn’t,” Ethan replied, his voice rising. This couldn’t be happening.
“Ethan . . . she has, though she says it’s not serious . . .”
Almost two years they had been apart. Two years in which he prayed that this moment would never happen. He felt cold.
“How do you know this?” Ethan asked, his voice clipped.
“I saw an article and asked her about it. She confirmed what it said.”
“Send it to me.”
“Eth—”
“Dude, just send the damn article,” he yelled, cutting Luke off.
Resigned, Luke grabbed his phone and a minute later Ethan’s phone buzzed in his back pocket. Grabbing the phone, he pulled up the article. The first thing he saw was a picture of Mia performing. She looked different—her hair much shorter than he remembered and a different color—still brown, but a much lighter shade, almost a dark blonde.
He scrolled down and wished he hadn’t. The next picture was of her dancing with Joshua Carstons. Not lingering on that picture, Ethan scrolled down to the article.
Mia Devereux was spotted with Joshua Carstons, her co-star in the much talked about movie, Burn for You, at The Revival, a nightclub near their filming location in Georgia, dancing intimately close.
Earlier that night, Mia performed an hour set with her band, Last Star, for a special show celebrating Todd Hendricks’s return to the band after his trip to rehab and extended leave. They stayed afterwards to party with the locals, along with Joshua and her other co-star, Austin Panner.
Josh and Mia’s body language lead us (and many of the party goers) to conclude that they are more than just friends.
She has not been linked with anyone since ending her engagement to Ethan Christopher in 2008. It would be nice to see her with someone . . .
“Fuck!” Ethan yelled, tossing his beer bottle across the room. Goddamn it, Mia. This was not how this was supposed to work out. It’s supposed to be him, not Josh. Nothing was working out how he’d expected.
“What did you expect?” Luke asked, pulling him from his thoughts. “For her to never be with anyone else? Look at you. It’s not like you’ve been a saint.”
“They were not relationships, though. Maybe a couple dinners, a couple fucks.”
“How is she supposed to know that?”
He wanted to tell Luke to fuck off but kept it to himself because the damn fucker was right. How would Mia know? They never talked anymore.
To torture himself some more, Ethan re-read the article and stopped when he came across Todd’s name. He’s back in the band. That thought scared him. And not because of the drugs. Well, those scared him a lot. No, Todd scared him because of the attraction between the drummer and Mia.
Marty and Allie both were vague in their description of how they found her at Todd’s. Ethan knew they found him and Mia in a compromising position. It had to be more than the drugs. Especially with what Ethan knew of their time in St. Paul when he discovered them making out while high as fuck. Thinking back on all the times he had seen them together, the two had amazing chemistry between them. Ethan pulled up Google on his phone and searched Mia and Todd. He studied the pictures. They always stood next to each other, more times than not, touching one another, a hand on a shoulder or an arm.
Ethan didn’t know whether Mia and Todd actually had sex that night, but whatever Marty and Allie saw was along that line.
Fuck this!
Two fucking years without her. If he wanted her back, he needed to clean up his fucking act. No more women. Pay more attention to what Mia was doing. He needed to be ready for an opportunity to strike—to get her back.
He had to get her back.
Mia
Los Angeles, October 2010
Mia sat in her therapist’s waiting room, waiting of all things. Josh was out of town for some promotional event. She was just happy to be alone for the first time in nine months. The movie had finished filming in May. She had enjoyed the entire process and totally envisioned herself doing more movies in the future.
After the movie wrapped, Josh took her for a long weekend away to Bora Bora. She loved it there. So did Josh. He tweeted a picture of her standing on the beach in her bikini, looking at the sunset, and wrote, “In paradise,” confirming their relationship to the world. After what Luke had told her about Ethan and all the women, Mia didn’t care that her relationship was out there now.
And after that vacation, Josh would tweet pictures of them quite often—cute pictures of them snuggling on the couch, sunsets from her house, their feet in the sand, before award shows, the dinners she made, or her in bed. The ones in bed had made her just a little angry. She definitely looked like she was post-coital. Her hair was a mess; she was very naked. So she tweeted, “Sorry, Josh will be taking a Twitter break while I kick his ass into next week. #notlying #totallyserious #heisgoingdown.”
Mia let him use Twitter again once she returned to the studio recording their fifth album. Josh tweeted lots of pictures of her and the band in the studio. He was the unofficial documenter for Stars on Fire. She loved the shots and videos that he took more than the official behind the scenes stuff. His were more genuine, capturing what it was like for them in the studio. He got her being goofy, serious, and sad.
One of those pictures was of her breaking down after recording a track for the Burn for You soundtrack. It was after an awesome, yet very emotional take of “Mania,” a song about Ethan, how she couldn’t get him out of her mind, how she tried to let him go, but in the end realized she needed his love.
Having the producer push her like he did, Mia felt it. Every single emotional word pummeled her until she was a pile of spent emotions on the studio floor, crying with everything she ever felt for Ethan.
Josh snapped the picture then pulled her into his arms, telling her it would be all right. Later that evening, he tweeted the picture with the line, “This is what happens when you pour your heart into your music.”
For months, that’s exactly what happened making that album. For the most part, this album focused on missing love, missing Ethan, and on why she couldn’t get past him and just let him go. A couple songs were about how she felt about Tom being gone, and there was one song about her bandmates—her family.
It was fun making that album together with Todd. Playing together again . . . it felt right. She felt the exact same way after the small reunion show in April. All four of them together. The way it should be. That little venue was lucky to still be on its foundation. The show had been electric, the crowd so energetic, knowing they were a part of something special—a Last Star reunion show. Mia hadn’t felt that energy, that drive, since their second tour. But, this—it was different. Things were clearer, more in sync. Despite not playing together for two years.
Mia remembered that night of the reunion show. She spent it dancing with Josh, knowing it would cause a shit load of rumors but not giving a fuck. She wanted fun, and with Josh, she had that. She enjoyed herself with him and laughed harder than she had in years. After filming was over, she was grateful for his continued companionship because she easily could have gone to a bad place. He kept her from going there, kept her busy—entertained.
The paparazzi hounded them, even though they were very open about their relationship. Everywhere they went, the photogs seemed to be there, snapping picture after picture. Allie seemed to enjoy telling her what made it into the press. Mia thought Allie did that because she missed Ethan. Showing her the magazines and
the Internet articles was her way of telling Mia, “Ethan is seeing all this. What do you think his reaction will be?”
At the beginning, Mia didn’t care. She still had some anger towards him. He had been moving on for over a year. It seemed like a new girl every month. Luke said they were nothing, but it still hurt. It wasn’t until Josh that she could’ve even contemplated having sex with another man. Maybe it was seeing Ethan’s escapades, she didn’t know. But what she did know was that Josh kept her from going under. She needed his constant presence, so it surprised her when his trip came up and she said she didn’t want to go. Instead she was in Simone’s office for an appointment. Mia still had things she needed to sort through.
Simone calling her name pulled Mia from her thoughts. She stood up, grabbed her purse, and headed inside to her normal spot on the couch. After closing the door, Simone sat down in one of the chairs opposite Mia.
“Nice to see you. It’s been awhile.”
“Not that long, has it?” Mia asked, not recalling the last time she saw Simone. Maybe like a month ago, she thought.
“Almost three months,” Simone answered.
“No way!”
“Yes way!”
“Sorry,” Mia said sheepishly.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here. I want to try something different this time.”
“Okay . . .” Mia answered hesitantly.
“It won’t hurt. I promise. I want you to write a life plan,” Simone said, handing Mia a pen and a pad of paper.
“A life plan?” she asked. Did Simone not know of her dislike of plans? “You said this wouldn’t hurt!”
Simone had the nerve to laugh. “It won’t. I want you to first write down the things you wanted to accomplish with therapy. Then I want you to write down what you want in your life.”
“I . . . I don’t know what I want.”
“Well, I’m here and I can listen. Talk to me. What was one of the major things you wanted to accomplish with therapy?”
“Facing my past,” Mia answered. Simone gestured towards the pad of paper. Mia scribbled the words, “face past” on the yellow sheet.
“What is one thing you need to do in order to do that, Mia?”
Doodling on the pad, Mia thought on Simone’s question. She knew what needed to be done but it was the follow through on those that had been causing her problems. “I need to tell you about it and I also need to talk to my father.”
A small smile flirted with Simone’s mouth and Mia felt like a school girl who had just gotten the answer right. “Write it down.”
“Oh, yeah,” Mia said, jotting down the two items.
“What else?”
Mia shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.”
“Okay. Then let’s talk about life right now. Tell me what’s going on. Maybe it’ll help.”
Mia sat back, resting the back of her head on the sofa cushion. “Well, after this media blitz and tour, I can focus on making my career not so all-consuming as it is right now. Our contract is up and we’re thinking, as a band, about what we want. I’ve already voiced my desire for more flexibility. I have an acting career now. I enjoy that . . . not as much as I love performing my music, but enough to explore it.”
“I thought you wanted more free time,” Simone spoke.
“I do want that. Touring is where I want that. Pretty much I want to tour less. Larger shows but fewer. I want the ability to do more with my time. I do not want to spend all of it on the road.”
“Why is that?”
Because things fall apart when I’m on the road.
Mia did not say that. She didn’t say anything at all. Instead of calling her on it, Simone went with another tactic.
“Mia, what about Ethan?”
Ethan.
Her heart stopped for a second with the mention of Ethan’s name. No one spoke of him in her presence—unless they were bold like Allie . . . or Luke.
“What about him?”
“You haven’t talked about him and your plan . . .”
“Why would I?”
“Mia.”
“He and I are over. Been over. He’s moved on. We’ve moved on. I haven’t talked to him in over nine months. Haven’t seen him—”
Simone cut her off, “Since right after your overdose.”
Mia closed her eyes and exhaled, picturing in her mind waking up in the hospital to find Ethan regarding her from the doorway, witnessing her lowest point, the love for her still visible on his face. With another deep breath, she remembered their goodbye on her porch, her tears as she thought that was truly the end of them.
“Yeah . . .”
“What did he say to you? Do you remember?”
How could she forget? The words were seared into her brain forever.
“Fix you and come back to me, okay?”
“I still want you, Mia. I want you in my life. I want you as my wife. I want to grow old with you, have five beautiful children with you.”
“Things are different,” she said, shaking her head. “He doesn’t still mean that.” Or does he, her mind snuck in before Mia tried to shut it down.
“You won’t know unless you talk to him.”
Goddamn it. Simone was right. Mia owed it to herself to at least talk to him, find out for sure. Or she’d wonder for the rest of her life.
“He goes on the list?” Mia asked.
Simone cocked her head at her, letting Mia know that she wouldn’t answer. Mia needed to answer that for herself.
Was she willing to open herself up to that type of hurt again? Because that’s what would happen if she contacted him. They both hurt each other so much those final months together that the love they had was overshadowed by all the pain. Even so, being loved by Ethan was the best experience in her life. Was she willing to live without his love for the rest of her life?
“I’ll think on it,” Mia said.
Saturday morning, Mia got up early for a sunrise run on the beach. The sun had barely woken up, hardly a soul on the beach. She ran, letting her mind open up, and all she saw was Ethan and the life she had with him and the life she wanted with him by her side. Being near Luke and Kaitlyn. She missed them all.
It was finally time to stop stalling; time to stop running away.
She dropped to the sand with that realization, feeling the cool, wet sand against her legs. What the fuck had she been doing, keeping herself away from everyone she loved?
How did she let her absent mother control her life, still after all these years? Of course what her mother did would shape her daughter. But Mia needed to learn from it, accept it. That one event no longer had to rule her life.
After pushing herself up, Mia made her way back home and headed straight to her office. Rifling through her desk, she found the piece of paper with her life plan on it. Smoothing it out, Mia sat at her desk with pen in hand.
I choose differently.
I choose Ethan.
With a careful hand, Mia scrawled Ethan’s name on the sheet along with the question of how to get him back.
As much as she wanted him right now, her life was about to become insane with all her responsibilities for the movie and her new album and tour. Ethan was also in the midst of his football season.
Now just wasn’t the time. She would wait until her tour and contract negotiations were over.
One step at a time.
In the meantime, she would flesh out this plan. If she was going to do this, she would do it right.
Step one: say goodbye to Josh. Mia knew she needed to do it, but hoped she could do it in a way to not lose his friendship. She cared for him—a lot. She might even love him, but what she felt wasn’t even a speck of what she felt for Ethan.
Step two: get back to Chicago. It just made sense to be closer to everyone. Her bandmates, her friends, Luke and Kaitlyn, and of course, Ethan.
Step three: talk to Ethan. See if he still meant what he’d said after her overdose.
Josh returned Sunday nig
ht full of ardor. He attacked Mia and made love to her all night long and she let him. This was the right decision. She had enjoyed her time with him, was so thankful he came into her life when he did, but it was time to move on.
The next morning, she awoke and watched him, peacefully lying in bed, his curly, dirty blond hair messy from sleep, not knowing when to tell him. Should she do it now? Or should she wait until they weren’t naked in her bed?
“I feel you staring at me, deep thoughts swirling in your mind,” Josh said, his deep voice startling her. Maybe he just took the decision away from her. “What’s going on, Mia?”
“Nothing and everything, if that makes any sense.”
“Uh . . . no,” he said, rolling over to face her. “Talk to me.”
“I went to my therapist while you were gone,” she began, not wanting to just blurt out that she wanted to break up.
“What did you two discuss?”
“My life plan.”
“Life plan . . .” he stopped, letting the words hang there as he thought about it. His face changed when it registered what that meant. “Just spit it out, Mia.”
She sighed. He let her hide for the past year from everything, but now, when it concerned him, Josh wasn’t having it. “I think we need to break up,” she said, the words spilling out of her mouth.
“Mia—”
“You don’t love me. And I don’t love you,” she continued, having to get it all out.
“I do too!” he exclaimed, bolting up into a seated position, the sheet pooling haphazardly at his waist, exposing his thick cock that had given her so much pleasure during that time.
“But it’s not the love that we both need. You love me like a friend.”
“Who’s very good in bed,” he said, smiling and trailing his fingers up her naked thigh.
“Josh!” she exclaimed when his hand slid between her thighs and pushed them apart.
“What?” he asked innocently as his thumb expertly awakened her senses.
“What part of breaking up did you not understand?”
“I heard it all,” he said, his breath hot against her face as he sighed. “So, we’re gonna be just friends?”
Still Into You Page 25