Samantha watched his face and felt bad, but at the same time thought she was doing the right thing.
He stepped right up to her, with a look on his face that she had seen so many times since they were young children - that look of disbelief and disappointment in her for acting as she was.
"Fine. You want me to give up and leave you alone? You have it. I give up," he said to her and just walked off.
She didn't turn to watch him leave. She did however feel a huge thud in her heart. It had been different when she had been controlling them not spending time together, but hearing him sound so defeated and so … uncaring … was enough to bring her to tears. It surprised her as it was what she wanted - for him to not want to spend time with her so much. Why then did it suddenly hurt?
~~~~~
Back inside the party, Tom sought out John.
"Hey, man. Where have you been?" his friend asked him as he placed his hand on his shoulder.
"Sorry, I'm going to head home," Tom replied, knowing that after his confrontation with Samantha, he was now in a foul mood - something he rarely experienced these days.
"What? No man, it's early…"
Tom shrugged away.
"Sorry John, I'm not feeling too hot. I'll see you at school Monday, okay?" he said and walked off before he even waited for a reply.
Samantha saw him walking out the front door as she was walking in, but he didn't stop to talk to her. He saw her - she knew that - but for the first time in as long as she could remember, he ignored her completely and just walked past without one word leaving his mouth.
She stood in the doorway and watched him as he walked down the path, out the gate, and began his walk home.
She felt like a piece of her heart had been yanked out of her chest.
Even though it was what she wanted, she had to question herself if she had done the right thing.
~~~~~
When Tom got home his mother was still up and looked at him with a surprised expression on her face.
"What happened to the party?" she asked and he didn't want to talk to her about it so stood silently for a moment. "Are you alright, honey?"
"I just … Samantha … ugh!" he started to say, feeling frustration all over again.
"Come and sit down," his mother said, soothing him while she led him to the well worn sofa in their living room. "Samantha … what?"
Tom had to assemble words in his head before speaking.
"She has been ignoring me for weeks now, and I don't understand why. So tonight I asked her … and she said it was because she wanted a boyfriend, but she doesn't want me as a boyfriend."
"Ahh I see…"
"Do you? Because I don't! What does her wanting a boyfriend have to do with me? Why can't we still be friends? I don't understand…"
"Oh wait. This isn't a case where she wants to have you as a boyfriend but you don't want that?" his mother asked and he looked at her, surprised.
"No! What? Why would you think that? Mum, no! She wants a boyfriend. I don't want a girlfriend. I just want her as a friend. But she seems to think I want more from her," he said and paused before continuing. "Why can't we still be friends? I just don't get it."
"I think perhaps the two of you are maturing at different rates, that is all. She might be already moving into the stage of wanting to find love, honey. Are you in that stage yet?"
"Eww, Mum! No. I know everyone else is there - everyone keeps talking about kissing! No, I just want my friend back. I miss her."
His mother smiled knowingly.
"You two have always been different kinds of friends, that is for sure. Gosh, the way you used to fight!" she said, laughing softly. "None of us parents could ever understand why you both kept asking us to enable the two of you to see each other!"
They sat quietly together, each in their own thoughts, before she continued.
"Sometimes friends drift away from each other. That is just a part of life. It might resolve itself, or it might not. But you can't make it happen if she doesn't want it, Tom. Give her some space and see where things go from there. I'm sure she hasn't done this to hurt you…"
"Well I am hurt…"
"Perhaps, but I don't think she would intentionally do that to you. No matter how much you two have always fought - and gone out of your way to annoy each other at times - I don't believe Samantha would hurt you. Not like that. Puberty might be starting to play with her mind a bit, but it won't be intentional. Let her go for the moment. I think you will find she will find her way back."
They hugged then and he stood up.
"Thanks, Mum. Goodnight."
~~~~~
Over the weekend Tom put his head and thoughts into his study to try and put her from his mind. No matter what she did, or who she did it with, he was still going to get out of the place he was, and he was going to do that by doing well at school. With or without her in his life.
~~~~~
At school for the remainder of the year, they didn't speak. Tom had resolved that their friendship was over - that it had meant nothing to her and that chapter had ended.
He was completely oblivious to the fact that something had flipped, and when he was around the school, hanging out with his friends and talking to other girls, he was actually being watched by her.
Samantha saw him from a distance here and there, and continued to feel that longing inside of her. It shouldn't have been there, given that their distance was her doing, but it was there regardless.
Over and over she pushed it down, not wanting to feel it because in amongst the feelings of missing him, were also the feelings of having neglected and rejected a friend.
To take her mind off him, she accepted the first guy who asked her to go steady with him. She wanted to find love, and the only way to do that, it seemed to her, was to start dating guys. And the only way to figure out who she wanted to date was to date them.
So then, at 16, she started seeing Paul. He seemed nice enough and he was admired by her friends, so when he asked her out on a date she accepted. It wasn't perfect but to her dating someone because she 'may as well' was as good a reason as any.
~~~~~
At first everything was simple between them but when the new school year began - her now being 17 - she found herself pressured by him.
"What is wrong with you? Are you frigid? God, we have been dating for almost a year and it's about time…"
"It will be time when I say it's time!" she screamed at him.
They had been having this same argument for a couple of months now but tonight he was really angering her. They were at a friend's home with a dozen or so other kids, and alcohol was now a common occurrence in the parties they attended. She didn't like it but sometimes she took part in it. Tonight though she didn't want to. The more he pressured her, the more she knew it would be a bad idea for her to drink.
She suddenly felt like she was over the whole situation with him. She had started dating him with some over inflated expectation and desire to find love, but she didn't love him. Some days she didn't even like him. And most days she felt like he didn't even like her.
She extracted herself from his arms and stood up in preparation to leave.
"Where do you think you are going? Sit down," he said to her, loud enough that he could demean her in front of his friends.
"No. I'm going home."
"I said … sit down!" he commanded at an even louder volume and she looked at him with what she knew would be a look of hatred on her face.
"And I said, I'm leaving. Goodbye Paul."
Samantha started to walk away. She made it to the doorway before he caught up with her.
Just as she was about to walk out of the front door, she felt a hand grab her, pulling her around to face behind her, while his other hand came around and slapped her hard across her cheek.
She looked at him in shock, and knew that the volume of voices stopping and the room suddenly going quiet meant that everyone had seen and heard the slap.
Inside of her she felt a mixture of anger … shame … embarrassment…
"Get your ass back on the sofa. We are here together. You can't leave," he said with what looked like a snarl on his face.
Samantha could not believe what had happened but when he spoke, her shock fell away from her.
"No. I have told you twice - are you deaf?! I am leaving," she said and tried to pull her arm away but found he had it well restrained.
She saw his other hand come up again in preparation to deliver a second slap but even though it must have only been a few seconds that the arm was moving, it was enough time for another hand to reach around from behind her, and grab the hand that was in that moment making its way toward her face.
"Don't even think about laying another hand on her, asshole. She has told you she is leaving … and she is. Or do you always force girls to spend time with you even though they don't want to?"
Samantha knew the voice and for the first time in over a year, was so thankful for the sound of it being so close nearby.
The room was silent and the comment must have been something that Paul didn't want people to hear, so he harshly let her arm go and shoved her backward into Tom's arms.
"Take her. I don't want her," he said with a vicious tone in his voice, before turning and returning to his friends.
Samantha turned around and didn't have to think at all before pulling Tom close and encouraging him to hold her tightly. She didn't care what stupid reasoning she'd had for ending their friendship. What she did absolutely know about Tom was that he was a good person and he would never treat her - would never treat anyone - like Paul just had.
Tom held her, also not caring about the time they had spent apart - or the time that lay ahead. All he cared about was making sure she was safe.
"Come on. I'll walk you home," he said to her and she nodded against his chest before they pulled apart from one another and walked out.
~~~~~
Neither said anything on the way to Samantha's home. Samantha felt horrible about far too many things, and Tom didn't want to expect anything from this sudden closeness to her. He had rescued her from a horrible situation and tomorrow everything would return to normal. There was no point in thinking about it. And certainly no point in wishing things could … would … change.
~~~~~
"Do you want to come in?" she asked him when they reached her house, and she saw a look or surprise on his face.
"Samantha…" he started to say, not knowing what he dare say or ask her.
For a moment she saw him look … hopeful … but then the look passed as he moved his eyes downward and let out a deep breath, almost as if he were feeling just … defeated.
"No, thank you. I am going to head home. Goodnight Samantha."
And with that, he was walking down her path and on his way home.
Samantha went to her room and lay on her bed, thinking about the evening's events and changes to plans. She thought she should feel some kind of sadness over Paul, but she didn't.
In fact it actually made her feel happy that she had stood her ground and maintained her virginity, having refused Paul for so long. No, he wasn't the man she wanted to lose that to. Whoever claimed that would have to be someone far more special - someone who treated her like a queen, not like a piece of trash.
~~~~~
The next day Tom woke late to the sound of knocking on his bedroom door. Thinking it was his mother he turned over, pulled his pillow over his head, and simply pretended to be asleep.
But the knocking continued, and only got louder and louder.
"Mum! I'm trying to sleep!" he called out but then heard the door open slowly and softly.
He huddled down under the covers, not used to his mother walking into his room at all these days - being now almost 18 they had recently each laid down some pretty hefty privacy rules that they both lived by.
"Um, actually it's not your mum," he heard Samantha's voice say and he was suddenly extremely self aware and insecure.
"Samantha! What are you doing here?" he asked, making sure he was sufficiently covered under the covers. They had grown up together in each other's bedrooms, but the time apart, and the ages they now were, had resulted in him now feeling shy in this situation.
"Can I come in?" she asked, still standing in the doorway.
"Yes," he stammered out, completely unprepared for the situation at hand.
Samantha saw him lying under his bed covers and suppressed a smile of amusement. How many times had she seen him like that, and even now he looked like a little boy, the way he huddled down under them with only his head visible.
Tom saw her close the door behind her and then make her way over to his bed, where she sat on the edge and looked at him.
"I just wanted to say thank you for last night."
"It's okay. It's no big deal…"
"Tom, it was a very big deal. Please don't undervalue it. He hit me once and he was going to hit me again. It is a big deal that you stopped that."
Tom looked at her, his shyness melting away as he relaxed again.
"It's okay. I'm just glad you are okay, although why you were ever with him, of all people…" he started to say and she nodded in response.
"I know. It wasn't for the right reason. I wanted to find love - I wanted someone to love me - and he was just the first guy who seemed interested," she said and paused for a while before she continued. "I know it was stupid. About that … and about us. You were right … making a decision to stop being your friend just because I wanted to find a boyfriend…" she said and he saw a look of disbelief in herself pass over her face. "How stupid could I be…"
"You aren't stupid, Samantha. Far from it," Tom replied, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to wake up properly. When he had finished his rubbing he was aware that she was watching his face closely, with a small, shy smile. "You are going to be okay. But I hope you won't go back there…"
"No! Oh God, no! I would rather remain alone that put up with that! No, I know I can't have had much self-esteem to have stayed with him so long, but no - there is no way I would put up with someone hitting me."
"Good," she heard Tom breathe out in relief. "Because you are worth so much more than that."
They were silent for a while, thinking, before she spoke, her voice quiet.
"He wanted us to have sex," she said and saw a stunned look on Tom's face. "I didn't want to though. That was the cause of our arguments. I'm just not ready for that, I don't think."
Tom nodded at her, just letting her speak.
"Are you?" she asked, confusing him. "Have you?" she asked again shortly afterward, confusing him more.
When she didn't elaborate on the wording he questioned her.
"Am I? Have I … what?"
"You know!"
"No, I don't know! Have I what?"
"Had sex," she said quietly, as if there might be an adult in the room, listening to them have a naughty conversation.
He laughed at her softly, with affection, because of the way she had said it.
"No!" he answered. "God, no, I haven't even dated anyone yet…"
"But Kelly…"
Tom shook his head sharply.
"No, there is no Kelly! No, she kissed me once and that was that. I haven't dated … or kissed … anyone since then."
Samantha studied his face, looking confused herself now.
"You haven't kissed anyone … for almost two years? How can that…"
Tom continued to smile and laugh softly at her expression.
"Samantha, I just said I haven't dated anyone yet."
"Well yeah but…"
"No, there is no 'but'! When I meet someone who really wants to be with me - for the right reasons - I am sure I shall change my view on dating … and kissing … but for now I just want to get through this last year of school and get on with starting my life."
Samantha watched him and he could feel her studying his face.
"You know, you've grown up look
ing pretty good," she said and he grabbed an extra pillow and thumped her with it.
"Ouch! What was that for?" she asked, starting to laugh herself.
"You deserved that, and you know it. No more comments about what I look like! You know I don't like it - I never have."
Samantha realised in that moment how much she had missed him so, and was reminded of how well they did know each other. She nodded at him.
"I did know that. I'm sorry," she said softly and he smiled sheepishly at her while shaking his head in affectionate teasing. "Do you want to go and get some pancakes with me?" she asked him and he looked surprised.
"If you want me to…" he answered, uncertain.
She nodded and smiled a beautiful smile at him and he felt himself melt slightly inside - a feeling he really did not want to feel.
"Alright," he said, expecting her to automatically remove herself from his room. When she didn't he laughed quietly at her.
"Why are you still sitting there?"
"I'm waiting for you to get ready," she said with a teasing look on her face.
He grabbed the pillow and let it thud across her arm again.
"I'm not getting out of bed with you sitting there!" he replied, now laughing out loud. "Go and get out of my room so I can get out of bed and get dressed!"
Samantha giggled and stood up, walked to the door and quietly removed herself, shutting the door behind her as she walked down the hallway.
Tom lay in bed for a moment, feeling a feeling he knew he really didn't want to feel. He took a deep breath and focused on something else - pancakes! Then finally pulled himself out of bed, quickly showered, dressed and made himself presentable before going to find her.
"Good morning sleepyhead," he heard his mother say to him with a distinct sound of knew-it-would-be-alright amusement in her voice as he entered the kitchen.
"Morning. Samantha and I are going out. I will see you later," he said, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek, and saw her wink at him in reply, smiling like she had a deep, dark secret that no-one else had.
He turned to Samantha, who had been sitting at the kitchen counter just as comfortable as if she had never had any time away from the house that had almost been as much her home as his until two years ago.
Friendship of Desire (Painful Deliverance Book 3) Page 2