Annaka

by Andre Fenton

  The entire time, Mom just wanted to protect me.

  “That’s why we never came back?” I asked, choking up. “You were afraid he might try to find us?”

  “I was afraid of a lot of things. But I also knew this town was one I wanted to leave behind—I never wanted to come back. But life throws you curveballs, and one day you accept a job as a professor, and it doesn’t take long before you get a phone call saying your mother is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. Then you get a call saying your father had a heart attack.” She reached out and took my hand. “I knew it wasn’t an option to stay away any longer. I had to come back and help Nan for the little time we have left with her.”

  Mom let out a breath and cried. Her hands covered her eyes, tears running down her cheeks.

  “Mom, I—”

  “I just want to tell you I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry.” She wept.

  “You don’t have to be sorry over anything.” I darted over and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back and held on as tight as she could.

  “You’re the best mom anyone could ask for,” I told her. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. Mom, I am who I am because of you.”

  I shouldn’t have been worried about the what-ifs of having a father; I should have stayed focused on the people who chose to be in my life. Mom was the foundation of everything I ever had. I was learning to be grateful for her.

  “Your grandfather would be so proud of you,” Mom said to me.

  I hoped so.

  Chapter 20

  I woke up the next morning knowing it was a new world. The dots were connected and I could see the universe for what it really was. Trying. I walked downstairs to an empty kitchen and living room. Mom and Nan must have been asleep. It was still pretty early, but I went out to the truck. When I approached the garage I felt a sudden wave of uneasiness, knowing my father had beaten my grandfather where I was now standing. I hopped in the truck and drove.

  “How are you feeling, after everything?” I heard Clay ask. I didn’t even look over at him in the passenger seat; I knew he was there.

  “Complicated, I guess,” I replied. “Well, maybe it’s not that complicated. As much as I said I didn’t have expectations, a part of me always did. A part of me wanted a father who was smart, and kind, and gentle. Not one who was…awful.”

  “I know,” Clay said. “I can only imagine how hard this must be. But one thing I learned through all of this is that clarity doesn’t always fix things; it only helps make sense of why people are the way that they are.” He looked at me and smiled. “You’re all trying your hardest, and because of that, it creates distance. You’ve been shortening that distance as of late, Anna, but shortening it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.”

  He was right. Not much felt easier—I just felt more guilt, fuelled by grief.

  “I guess, on the bright side,” Clay continued, “having our worlds colliding isn’t so bad.”

  That made me smile. This hadn’t been the easiest homecoming for a lot of reasons, but I was glad Clay was with me.

  “Can I tell you a secret?” I asked.

  “Of course.”

  “There’s no one else I’d rather have as my co-pilot.”

  He didn’t reply, but I knew he was smiling too.

  I found a parking spot at the edge of the waterfront. The sun was still rising and seagulls were making their presence heard, but no humans were around quite yet. I was feeling brave and told Clay he could sit on the back of the truck with me. We sat quietly for a few minutes and just watched the water lapping at the shore. It felt like the calm after a storm.

  “So,” Clay eventually said, “I noticed you added something in the journal.” He paused. “Are parties really like that?”

  I snorted. “Yes.”

  “That’s horrible.” Clay put his hands on his head. I laughed; he was so innocent. “Why would anyone want to go to one of those?”

  “You’re asking the wrong person, friend.” I grinned and put a hand on his shoulder. Eventually I rested my head on it, and he rested his on mine. Our relationship wasn’t always perfect, but he was my best friend, my co-pilot. I’d never leave Clay behind again.

  “Are you still thinking about finding him?” he asked after a few more moments of comfortable silence.

  “My dad?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t know.” I sat up. Everything was still kind of a lot. Would it be worth it? What if he was still just as awful now as he had been in the past? I know people can change, but how much faith could I place in a man who had tried to steal from the people I loved most? I didn’t know. A part of me was still curious if there would be anything worth salvaging.

  “What do you think?” I asked Clay.

  “I don’t think he’s a dream worth chasing.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” He nodded.

  “What about your whole world-colliding monologue?”

  “I just think there are some things we shouldn’t allow. I don’t think you’re chasing clarity with him. I think you’re chasing hurt.”

  “I appreciate that,” I replied. “But I think whatever I choose has to be my choice, and my choice alone.”

  “Okay,” Clay said “Just…just don’t end up hurting yourself along the way, okay?”

  “With you as my co-pilot, I think I’m going to be just fine.” I smiled then checked my phone. “It’s almost nine. Folks will be around soon, you should probably—” When I looked up I was alone. “—disappear.”

  I didn’t know if finding my dad would help, but something inside me wanted to see him, hear him, speak to him. I wanted to ask why he did what he did, and I wanted an answer. I wanted an answer to everything.

  I took one last look out at the water and climbed back in my truck. I went to a greasy diner called Joe’s and ordered two cheeseburgers.

  The man at the counter said, “We don’t usually get anyone buying cheeseburgers this early—mostly breakfast wraps. What’s the occasion?”

  “Sometimes your friends are hungover, and you gotta look out for them,” I replied, grabbing the brown paper bag.

  The man laughed. “That’s real friendship.”

  I grinned. “I lead by example.”

  I left and got back in the truck. I had a feeling Tia would be working the early morning shift. When I opened the door of the corner store I could see her sitting on a stool with her head down on the counter.

  She grunted until she sat up and saw me.

  “Anna…hi!” she said.

  “With medicine.” I handed her a cheeseburger, and kept the other one for myself.

  “You’re a goddess.” Tia smiled. She still had last night’s mascara smudged under her eyes. She jumped into the burger.

  “I know. How are you feeling?”

  “Like someone who embodies bad decisions.”

  “You didn’t drink too much, though, did you?”

  “When we got home we finished my parents’ wine, and we continued to dance all night with Taz.”

  I laughed uncontrollably at the image of the girls hopping around, holding paws with Taz.

  “Laugh all you want, but he’s the only man that’s not trash.” She spoke with half a burger in her mouth.

  “I believe you, I really do.” I giggled.

  “What did you do after the party?” Tia asked.

  “Things I shouldn’t have.”

  “I knew you had other plans.” Tia sat back on the stool, her back touching the wall. “So what’s up?”

  “My mom told me about my dad last night.”

  Tia bolted upright. “What did she say?”

  “He wasn’t a great man,” I explained. “He tried robbing my grandparents, got in a fight with my grampy, went to prison. Mom moved to Halifax
when he got out. She didn’t want me to come back here and see him.”

  “Was she in danger?”

  “He pushed her to the ground once.” I sighed. “Sounds like he was the type of guy who would just use me as a way to leech off of Mom. And Mom wanted better for me, and herself. So she went to Halifax.”

  “I see.” Tia took another bite of the burger and chewed thoughtfully. “How are you feeling about it?”

  “I don’t know. A part of me is still curious. People can change, right? A part of me wants to know if he is still the same person. I want to see if he has my laugh, my smile, I don’t know, maybe it’s selfish but I just…I just have to see.”

  “I can understand that.” Tia took a breath. “I think that makes a lot of sense actually. Did you talk to your ghost friend…?”

  I shrugged, and shook my head. “He doesn’t think I should.”

  “Why not?”

  “He thinks I’m chasing hurt.”

  Tia polished off her cheeseburger and said, “There’s more to it than that. I mean sure, it sounds like he’s a man full of faults, but if you think meeting him can bring any type of fulfillment then I think you should.” She shrugged and balled up the burger wrapper. “It’s important to be honest with yourself, even if it is hurtful. What are you thinking?”

  “I’m still thinking.” I shrugged and took a bite of my burger. “He’s here, and that’s all I know.”

  I had no clue where he would be. I also didn’t know what I would say to Mom. If I decided to search for him, maybe she didn’t need to know. It would only hurt her. Just like he did.

  “What are you doing tonight?” Tia asked.

  “Nothing planned. Not yet, anyways.”

  “Well my parents are gonna be out for a bit. The house is ours if you want. We can vent and just shoot the shit.”

  “Thanks, I’ll let you know,” I said, polishing off my burger. “I’m gonna head back home. Text me if you need anything.”

  When I got back into the truck I saw the box of Father’s Day cards I had taken from Grampy’s classroom. Grampy was the father figure who always had my back, and who looked out for me. Not Blake. I had trouble even referring to Blake as “Dad.” He never had been a dad to me, and if I were being honest, he probably never would be. He spent most of my life being a ghost story.

  By the time I got back to the house, I could smell bacon and spied Mom flipping a bunch in the frying pan.

  “There she is!” my grandmother said as I walked through the door, “my granddaughter.” It made me chuckle. At least now she was holding on to a part of me.

  “Hey, Nan.” I pulled up a seat at the table.

  Mom smiled from the stove. “You hungry, babes?”

  “Nah, I had a burger with Tia this morning.”

  “Burgers for breakfast?” Mom laughed.

  “Someone needs to bring their best friend hangover food.”

  “Oh. It was one of those parties. Wait, you didn’t—”

  “I was driving, Mom. Of course I didn’t drink.”

  Mom nodded and turned back to the bacon. “Good.”

  I spent the rest of the morning sitting with them. Laughing with them. Telling stories with them. I didn’t really feel afraid anymore when I spent time with Nan. We were creating something new.

  After that I spent the rest of the day thinking about Blake and reflecting on what Mom told me. I opened up the journal and began drawing a portrait. I drew the mannequin I had seen in Wade’s Clothing. I didn’t even need to say anything for Clay to know I wanted to go to the dark place. Everything in my room faded away into darkness and a mannequin stood in the middle of it. Clay could read the room enough to know I wanted to be alone, so he didn’t bother revealing himself. I started drawing Blake’s facial features as I remembered them, and they were formed on the mannequin. His dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, long face. I remembered he had been wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans. As I drew, the mannequin turned into him. I walked closer, looking at his facial features and comparing them to mine. I didn’t have his eyes, or his cheeks, or his hair, or his lips, or his nose, or his chin. I must have something of his, but I didn’t know what.

  Part of me was wondering if any of this was even worth finding out. I lay back on my bed, trying to figure out what I was going to do.

  Later that evening Tia texted; I had been watching videos on my phone, trying to take my mind off everything, but there are only so many videos of creepy stories on YouTube you can watch before you recognize the same old formula.

  Tia: Hey, wanna come over?

  Me: Sure.

  Tia: Okay, but lets just keep it a girls night?

  Me: You don’t want Clay to come?

  Tia: I think maybe we should talk more about what you brought up today. Without…the baggage.

  Me: Okay.

  I pressed send. I felt weird about leaving Clay, but if I was going over I guess I had to respect her rules.

  “You’re staying here, grey boy.” I smiled at him in my bedroom.

  “Aww, and I was just starting to like dogs,” Clay said sarcastically.

  “I’m sure you were.” I shook my head. “I’ll be back tonight, and you got a party waiting for you.” I pointed to the journal. Clay didn’t look too impressed.

  When I got to Tia’s, most of the lights were off. I knew her parents were gone, so I went straight to the basement door and Taz greeted me.

  “Hey, you.” I patted his head.

  “There you are.” Tia was putting on some music.

  The basement was a bit of a mess—blankets, glasses, and pillows were strewn everywhere.

  “Well…you guys partied last night.”

  “What else is there to do?” She sat down in a beanbag chair.

  “Feeling any better?”

  “I feel like my head exploded.” She popped a painkiller.

  “Yeah, well, at least you got memories from it, right?”

  “I can’t remember a thing.”

  I laughed as I sat down in the other beanbag chair beside her. Tia was a lot of things, but she was one of my favourites. That’s for sure.

  “Be honest with me, Anna. Did you break into the school last night?”

  I shied away from eye contact. “I did.”

  “I knew it! And you didn’t bring me?”

  “You were in no shape for that.”

  “Oh, shut up,” she said with a laugh. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  “Yes.”

  “Shit, no way!” Tia looked at me. “That means you found….”

  “The pages. Yup, I found them. They were hidden in the picture frame on his desk.”

  “What did they say?” Tia’s eyes were wide.

  “It was actually really tragic.” I paused. “It was about an aunt I didn’t know I had.”

  Tia was hanging on to my every word. “Oh yeah? What did he write about her?”

  “He wrote about her dying when he was seven years old.”

  “Oh my God.” Tia put her hands on her head. “What was her name?”

  “This is the freaky part.” I looked over at her. “Her name was Annaka.”

  Tia sat up straight. “Seriously? That’s….”

  “Unexpected. I know.” I nodded. “I was named after her. It’s a weird feeling, but I guess Mom thought I could honour her in some weird way?”

  “I wouldn’t call it weird.” Tia put a hand on my knee. “If you were named after her, she must have been special. And clearly that rubbed off on you.”

  “Why do you say that?” I smirked.

  “Well, for starters, you’re the first person I’ve ever met with a real-life imaginary friend.”

  I shook my head. Maybe Annaka was special, and I hoped that I would someday understand why. Until then, I’d stick
with Anna. I looked back to Tia and her eyes were locked on me.

  “Have you done any more thinking about your dad?”

  “First of all, let’s not call him Dad. His name is Blake,” I replied. I had decided to let that word go—it was a dream that was never going to happen. “And I’m feeling a lot of things…not all good.”

  “Well, do you still wanna find him?”

  “Would you?” I didn’t mean to sound harsh, I was honestly curious. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was valid.

  Tia thought for a moment before replying. “I think I would,” she said. “As much as Clay doesn’t think you should, I think it’s normal to feel that curiosity. And it’s not you betraying your mom—it’s being honest to yourself.”

  There was too much pain he had caused my family already. But maybe if I did want to find him, nobody had to know. It could be a secret.

  “Where would you start?” I asked.

  Chapter 21

  Tia brought down the phone book and began looking for leads.

  “This is pretty old school,” I teased her as she flipped through the pages.

  “Better than nothing,” Tia replied, not looking up.

  I had already tried searching Blake Morrison on social media, but there was no one by that name living in Yarmouth. Maybe he wasn’t tech savvy.

  “My Mom said he wanted to start a business,” I mentioned. “I never asked what kind, though.”