Daring to Dream

by Sam Bailey

  One of the hypnotists was part of a theatre company and he heard me sing and asked me if I wanted to audition for something called Sunday Night at the Palladium. It was a variety show at The Palladium theatre in London, with loads of different songs from shows and performances from dance groups. I had to pay for my own costumes and sell a certain amount of tickets for it, but I decided it was still such a worthwhile thing to do.

  We had rehearsals at Elstree Studios in Borehamwood where people from the BBC worked and EastEnders is filmed, so it felt very proper and I knew it would be an amazing experience to be involved in something so professional. In the end I got to open the show, singing ‘Fame’ and dressed in a gold two-tone suit my mum had bought me. It wasn’t the most amazing show I’d ever been in but the theatre was packed and I felt like I was adding another string to my bow.

  While I was rehearsing for the show I met a record producer called Danny Davies. He wanted me to record a song for a singer/songwriter competition he was entering. As always, I felt I had nothing to lose and it was going get me some more experience of being in a professional recording studio, which I was really looking forward to. I went down to the studio, which was in his house in Fulham, and recorded the track in a day. We got on really well and Danny said he wanted to carry on working with me.

  The song ended up winning the competition and Danny gave me some of the prize money; I started recording a lot with him after that. He had songs he’d written that he needed someone to sing so he could showcase them. I’d travel up to London on my days off and record them. The songs got put into a library for TV shows or films and I’ll never forget switching on This Morning one day to hear one of our songs playing in the background for their latest competition. I was stunned!

  Danny was so professional that I could easily go into his studio, learn a song and record it in two hours. It was a real eye-opener for me, and such a good confidence builder. London is a bit of a closed door when it comes to session singers, and it’s very hard to make connections and get on the first rung of the ladder, but he showed me a way to do it. Danny has since become a longstanding friend of mine and I still work with him to this day. He runs a company called Pirate Management and he definitely deserves a mention because he was a real inspiration to me early on. He’s so good at what he does and I have masses of respect for him.

  I’d had the time of my life being a Bluecoat but slowly things started to change. A lot of people left and the shows started being reinvented; I don’t really like change so I found that hard to deal with. A lot of people came in from new camps and it wasn’t the same anymore. I’d also lost so much weight from being on the go constantly and not having time to eat that I didn’t look terribly well. I was also taking loads of ProPlus just to keep me awake because I didn’t like taking breaks. When I did the Christmas season in 1998, which was to be my last, we had to be dressed as elves greeting people on the door of the restaurant at 7am and I didn’t finish until 11 or 12 at night. I went down to about seven and a half to eight stone and I looked tiny.

  As a result, I decided it was time for me to leave. I’d had a great run but I was ready to go, so in early 1998 I headed home. I was sad to leave but I wasn’t really gelling with all of the new people streaming in and I missed how it was before. I think when that happens you know your time is up. I wasn’t thrilled at the thought of going back home to my warring parents, but I knew I had to start taking better care of myself, eating more and preparing for the next phase of my life – whatever that might be.

  Back home nothing had moved on in any way. My dad was still a skinny shell of himself sitting on the sofa with a can of beer, and my mum was out working her balls off. I could definitely see where I got it from. My mum was so horrified by how slim I was when I walked in our front door that she cooked me a massive meal and sat there making sure I ate it. I could barely get it down because my stomach had shrunk so much as a result of skipping meals or eating sweets for dinner. I hadn’t realised just how run-down I’d got and I needed that time back home to recuperate.

  I soon settled back into a bit of a routine and it was nice to have all of my things around me again. I used to have serious issues with buying trainers when I was younger. Whenever I had money I used to go and buy a pair, so I had a big collection. I had these gold classic Reeboks, which were quite rare, but when I went to put them on one day I realised they were missing, along with a load of other pairs. I also noticed that my Chelsea FC manager’s coat had disappeared, which was my pride and joy.

  Later the same day I was walking up to the shop and I saw some young kid wearing my Reeboks. When I asked him where he’d got them from he replied, ‘Your brother sold them to me.’ I was furious! I kept seeing kids around the estate wearing my clothes and shoes and I could have killed my brothers. I try to be understanding about it now because they were obviously desperate for cash, even if it was just to buy weed, but at the time I was gutted.

  I got a bit down being back home because it wasn’t exactly fun, but my mum kept me going. I couldn’t sign on because I’d resigned from my job, but I was confident enough that I would get myself another one. Soon enough I got a job doing market research again and I started hanging around with an old friend of mine, Julie Bushell, who is the daughter of the journalist Garry Bushell. At that time Garry was doing a TV show called Bushell On The Box, which was filmed in his front room. I used to love going around there because sometimes famous people would come round to film the show and Julie and I would always sneak downstairs and try to catch a glimpse of them. I answered their house phone once and it was Dale Winton; I was so bloody excited!

  My dream was still to sing, so I started going to auditions at places like Pineapple Dance Studios in Covent Garden or Danceworks, which was just off Oxford Street. They were always holding auditions for something or other and I used to go along for fun, clutching my trusty CD of backing tracks. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was auditioning for – it could have been a pole-dancing club in Timbuktu – but I’d go to get experience and get used to being knocked back. I wanted to become strong and resilient and learn not to let the disappointments get me down. That way, I figured, when something I really did want came up I could go along and not be afraid of being told ‘no’. I know it sounds mad but for some reason the knockbacks gave me more confidence and I wanted to be able to walk into a room and give off the impression that I felt like I deserved to be there.

  I went for an audition for a Disney Cruise Liner once and there were all of these people there who looked like Pocahontas with long dark hair, or Prince Charming with a big blonde flick. I arrived in jeans and hoodie and as I got nearer to the front I panicked because I didn’t look like anyone from a Disney movie. Princess Chav, maybe? My group got called in and I thought about edging my way out and doing a runner, but it was so busy there was no way I could go anywhere but the audition room. They must have wondered what the hell I was doing there. I looked like someone’s weird sister who had come along for a laugh. Funnily enough I didn’t get offered the role of Princess Jasmine.

  One day Julie told she was going for an audition to be an entertainer on a Thompson cruise ship, and asked me if I’d go with her. I had trials for a woman’s football team at the Arsenal training ground on the same day, so I was really torn. I still loved football and I’d never stopped playing, but I didn’t enjoy it quite as much as I enjoyed singing. I thought about it long and hard and decided that I could go and try out for the football team anytime, but the cruise ship sounded like a great opportunity. Also because I wasn’t desperate for the job, I knew I wasn’t going to be a shaking mess and I’d probably end up having quite a laugh.

  The auditions were being held at Danceworks and when Julie and I arrived there were hundreds of people waiting to be seen. We were all waiting in the restaurant area and we could hear everyone else auditioning. I started talking to some of the other hopefuls and because we were waiting around for so long I went into full on Bluecoat mode and st
arted telling jokes and doing Frank Spencer impressions. I was pretty cocky and I was making everyone laugh by basically being a bit of a show-off.

  When my name was called I suddenly found myself feeling quite nervous. Maybe I did really want the job after all? I sang a Mariah Carey song – although for the life of me I can’t remember which one – and afterwards I went back to the restaurant where we all waited to hear if we’d got through to the next stage or not. I was so happy when my name was called, but also slightly terrified because we were expected to dance in the second round, and following routines really wasn’t my strong point. I can put my leg behind my head, which I’m quite proud of, but I’m not sure that’s a good skill to have on a posh cruise ship!

  I wasn’t the world’s worst dancer back then, but I had no professional experience (unless you call dancing around in an ostrich suit professional experience?). There were girls there in leotards and legwarmers doing the splits to warm up, and I was wearing one of my football tracksuits and trainers looking like I was planning on running a marathon.

  I went into the audition room feeling like such a fool. These gorgeous girls were pirouetting around me, and being a footballer I wasn’t the most graceful person in the world. We were shown a dance routine and we all had to keep up with the instructor. I was going the wrong way and getting the moves completely wrong and in my head I was thinking, ‘Never mind. I’ve got all of my football gear with me. Maybe I can still make the trials at Arsenal?’

  I was convinced I wasn’t going to get through that round. When they asked me to stay for another interview I was so astonished I blurted out, ‘Are you sure? Me?!’ It turned out that two of the people I’d been telling jokes to in the restaurant worked for Thompson recruitment and they’d been watching everyone to see if people were being entertaining. They said I really stood out as someone who was a laugh and really friendly. Result.

  I had to have an interview with several Thompson execs and when they asked me what my strengths were I replied, ‘I’ve been a Bluecoat and I’m really good at talking to people from all different walks of life. I’m not a topper (someone who’s always trying to be better than other people) and I’m really easy going. I also know how to make people feel special and I’m always up for a laugh.’ The interview seemed to go well but we weren’t going to hear for a minimum of two weeks, so we were sent away with all of the information about what the job would entail and told to be patient. The more I read about where we’d get to go and what we’d get to do, the more I thought ‘Wow, I could really do this. It would be amazing. I want this job!’

  I couldn’t stop thinking about the job and every day I wanted it more and more. I’ve always been a bit impatient, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I rang up Thompson recruitment and said in the stupidly strong cockney accent I had at the time, ‘Hello, I was at the auditions last week and…’ Before I could even finish the sentence the woman on the other end said, ‘Is that Sam? We were just talking about you.’ Out of all of the hundreds of people who had auditioned that day she’d recognised me. I could only think that was a good thing? I wanted to shout, ‘Please tell me you want me!’ There was a pause and then she said, ‘I shouldn’t really be telling you this but you’ve got the job. Congratulations. We’ll be sending all of your documentation to you soon.’

  I got off the phone and immediately said to my dad, ‘I’m going to the Mediterranean. I’ve got the bloody job!’ I was thrilled but also scared because I was 22 and I was going to be going abroad on my own for the first time ever. But what did I have to lose? I had nothing to keep me at home and I was desperate for some adventure. About a week later this huge folder arrived telling me exactly where I was going, who I would be working with, what I would be expected to do and which songs I’d be singing. There were seven CDs from various shows that we’d be performing and I had to learn all of the lyrics beforehand. I also had to have a full medical, including a smear test, which I’d never had before.

  I travelled up to Wakefield to do rehearsals for the shows with all of the other staff members. We learnt dance routines and we had to be able to perform together flawlessly. The entertainment team was made up of three female singers, including me, three male singers and four female dancers. One of the other singers, Jolene, was from the same area as me and we got on really well. The other female singer, Sarah, was amazing but she was much more of a musical theatre singer so she had really precise diction, which sounded a bit strange when she was singing pop songs. She put so much effort into everything she did and has since landed a role in a West End show, which she totally deserves. I’m so happy for her.

  As for the men: John was a total lad and now performs in a Gary Barlow tribute act, Richard is an events manager and also does musical theatre, and Andrew is an absolutely wonderful guy who’s still singing now and does a lot of great charity work. The four dancers were called Hayley, Shirley, Carla and Nicola and we all bonded really quickly. We used to rehearse all day and then go down the local pub and do karaoke in the evenings. We were a bit of a powerhouse when we walked through the door and no one else got much of a chance to get on the mic when we were around.

  All of the crew I worked with came along to the The X Factor tour and we had a big reunion, which was brilliant but surreal. Some of us hadn’t seen each other for 14 years and now we’re all married and we’ve got kids. I still think of myself as that young girl in some ways, and I think it’s a real eye opener when you see old friends all grown up and settled down. I think I still expected some of them to look like they were in their early twenties, as if they’d been stuck in a time warp.

  While I was in Wakefield I got the results of my medical, including the outcome of my smear test. I will never, ever forget looking down at the letter and seeing the words ‘severe cancer cells’ written down and then ‘abnormal cells’ written in the first line. Nowadays the word cancer isn’t used – doctors say ‘mild, moderate or severe changes’ instead – and you can imagine my reaction. I was petrified. No one in my family had ever had cancer, so it wasn’t something I was familiar with. But of course I’d heard enough stories to know that the disease can be fatal and it frightened the living shit out of me.

  I went straight to a doctor who explained everything to me and said I would need the bad cells removed from my cervix. The waiting list for the procedure was three months and I had to be on the ship in two months’ time, so I ended up paying almost £500 to get it done privately at Queen Mary’s Hospital in Sidcup. In the end, I had it the day I was leaving for my first ever cruise, which was far from ideal. I was in hospital in the morning and in the afternoon I had to fly out to the dry dock in Malaga. I was in a lot of pain but the excitement of what lay ahead helped to take my mind off of it.

  CHAPTER 5

  COME SAIL AWAY

  As soon as I arrived in Malaga in March 1999 it was go go go. We had to go through all of the choreography again and I was still in agony from the procedure. I was bleeding a lot and the pain lasted for a couple of weeks. I don’t think dancing around was the best thing I could have done, but thank goodness for that medical because if I hadn’t had that test done I would never have known I had a problem.

  We were all so excited about finally getting on to the ship and I couldn’t wait to see where I was going to be living for the next few months. When we boarded, everything was covered in plastic and it smelled so fresh and new. I had a suitcase full of glamorous dresses that I’d borrowed from anyone and everyone to get me through the first few weeks. During the day we wore a Thompson T-shirt and shorts, but we had to look smart in the evenings, especially when we attended things like the Captain’s Dinner. I don’t do dresses so I had to beg, borrow and steal enough outfits to tide me over until I could afford to top up my wardrobe. I was a tomboy who struggled to put make-up on, so to suddenly have to wear floor-length gowns, glitzy jewellery and have my hair in a chignon felt so alien. I was so shoddy with everything; I didn’t have a clue! All I wanted was to go
on stage and sing for people but the whole look was a massive part of it. It wasn’t even like my make-up could be subtle. I had to wear white and black eye shadow, bright red lipstick and false eyelashes. I felt like a clown.

  A lot of people found themselves feeling really ill for the first few days on the ship, just because they weren’t used to bobbing up and down. It’s easy to underestimate how sick and disoriented it can make you feel if you haven’t done it before. I saw several of the crew rushing to the toilet at various times or gripping onto the bannisters for dear life when they were walking down the stairs. For some reason I was really lucky, and took to it like a duck to water, if you’ll pardon the pun. I find the sea quite soothing, especially when going to sleep. It was daunting at times because it was the first time I’d been somewhere where I couldn’t just hop into a car and go home, but the sight of the sun and beautiful new countries soon helped me get over that!

  We’d been taught all of these skills in the run-up to the guests coming on board, like crowd management and how to sympathise with people by putting your head to one side. We also used the word ‘excellent’ with people constantly, with the idea that when they came to fill out their comment forms at the end of the week they’d been so used to hearing the word they’d be more inclined to tick the ‘excellent’ box. Nine times out of ten I was excellent anyway, though!

  We travelled to so many places like Gibraltar, Cádiz, Lisbon, all around the Greek islands and Italy. I ended up buying a Spanish mobile so that every time we were in Spanish waters I could phone home cheaply. My mum and I set up a joint bank account into which all of my payments went so she could look after it for me. Drinks on the ship were half-price for us and I didn’t have to buy any food because it was all provided, so I was able to save quite a lot of money. The only problem was I didn’t like a lot of the food on the ship because it was too rich for me. Yes, the fussy eater in me reared its head again. Things like stuffed aubergines or moussaka didn’t appeal at all, so if that was what we were given for dinner, mostly I would go without. We weren’t allowed to have food in our cabins, so it wasn’t like I could nip back there and eat something else.