“Your father doesn’t hate your mother little princess, he loves her ferociously. He will love you too, as soon as he finds out about you. He’ll probably ride hell bent for leather all the way here just to see you and your mother as soon as your mother pulls her head out of her ass.” Andy cut his eyes up to Erika’s face as he said the last, in an attempt to read her like he did witnesses.
Annnnd there it was.
That fire, such righteous indignation. Exactly what he wanted to see. It meant she knew she was being stubborn, but refused to own it. There was something else too. She tried to sit up in a huff, but gave up the attempt when it was taking too long to give the dramatic flair she was going for.
“He doesn’t love me Andy, not anymore. I destroyed that myself.” Dropping her voice again in an attempt to shield her unborn daughter from reality as she saw it. “But he most definitely does know about her. I put the picture in the folder myself after I got to his house. I can’t make him accept it, that’s on him.” She indicated her belly and whispered, “And stop cursing.”
“Well, your highness, I know for a fact that he does love you and that he doesn’t have a clue about little miss princess there. If he did, he’d be sitting here rubbing your belly instead of me. I can prove it, here.”
Pointing with a thrust of her chin, “What’s that?” Andy couldn’t resist the urge to enjoy the slight levity in the air. It had been too long and after he gave her everything he brought with it, it more than likely wouldn’t be this way again for a very long time.
“It’s a phone goofy. Geez, pregnant women really do lose brain cells. It’s not the phone I want to show you though, but the texts from Walker I want you to see. I know I said I would stay out of it and for the most part, I have. But, regardless of what happens, we are all going to be connected, I thought I should open some communication between us. I know you’re pissed, but get over it. It’s not the first time, and it damn sure won’t be the last. Here, dry your hands and take a look. I think it will be eye opening.”
***
ERIKA
Erika kept her hand firmly in the tub to murder the temptation to grab the phone like a lifeline and read the words on the screen. Words written by Walker. They obviously wouldn’t be bad or Andy wouldn’t be grinning like a Cheshire cat. But, could she do it?
Erika had wrapped herself in the cloak of anger and hurt for so long, she was afraid if she took it off, she’d feel cold and bereft. It was how she coped with it. If she hadn’t learned to don those emotions like armor, they would have broken her long go. Knowing in her heart the way she shut down wasn’t right didn’t change the fact that she did. She wished like hell she could change, had tried unsuccessfully many times. That didn’t stop her from trying again, but she couldn’t handle it, not now.
If she gave in to hope again, it would kill her if…no, when, it played out poorly. She’d given in to hope too many times in her life not to have learned that lesson well. Most recently, she’d deferred to hope when she left the folder for Walker. Hoping at the very least that he’d want his daughter, be willing to share the joy and custody with her, but that wasn’t the case. Walker hadn’t even acknowledged the pregnancy and according to the traitor by the tub, not with him either.
No, hope—the cruelest four-letter word in the English language—would not get her again. She had eradicated it from her vocabulary and her heart. Hope would forever be replaced with a simple, but efficient, flat expectation. No more hope, never again.
“I don’t want to see it, and I don’t want you to tell me about it either just because I won’t read it. Walker has made his choices and I have made mine based on the choices we made together. I can’t believe that Walker doesn’t want his daughter at all. It’s not the man he is, which can only mean one thing. He is gearing up to take her away from me entirely. I never believed he had it in him, but that’s just one more thing I was wrong about. Like you,” Erika sent Andy a scathing look.
“Me? What were you wrong about where I’m concerned?”
***
ANDY
“Everything apparently. You have turned coat and went to the enemy. Are you his BFF now? How could you? He’ll take her away you know.” Erika got a reflective look, then her “ah ha” face took over.
Oh shit. She’d come to a wholly wrong conclusion and was about to lay it out for him. Hopefully, he had the strength to make her see reason.
“That’s it! You know he’s going to take her from me and you want the in. You’re laying the groundwork to be in her life through Walker. I know you’re a snake in the courtroom, but...”
“Oh stop it, you drama queen. You know better than that. You’re angry and you’re lashing out. I’m here and I can take it, so throw it at me. Be angry and rail at me all you want, but don’t use bullshit ammunition to do it. You know that I’d never do that, so just say what you really want to. Plus, he’s not your enemy, and if you truly see him as such, then it’s you who will keep you two apart, not him.”
Andy waited and Erika kept her lips firmly closed. He knew that look, knew it well. It was her, “I know I’m wrong, but trying to find a way to save face without accepting the truth” look, so he forged ahead. “Fine, be stubborn, but I’m telling you, he doesn’t know about the baby. I don’t know the how or the why of it, but he doesn’t. And yes, before you ask, he has read the folder. He knows about me, our marriage, and he wants you back. I can’t imagine why right now though, but there it is.” He stopped her protest with a wave of his hand.
“I’m done arguing Erika, I won’t tell you exactly what was said between us, at your request. I’ll leave it to you to seek the answers. I won’t spoon feed them to you like you want.” At her look, Andy plowed on. “Don’t give me that innocent face. I’ve known you too long not to know how your mind works. You don’t want to know, but you do at the same time, so you manipulate me into giving you enough bits and pieces to satisfy your curiosity and blame me for telling you if it’s not the answer you hoped for.”
Revelation struck both of them with the vocalization of that tidbit. Erika’s hands flew to her mouth. “Oh my God, I do do that don’t I? I never realized, not consciously anyway. Oh Andy, I’m so sorry. I’ve not been a very good friend have I?”
Andy put the phone down by the papers on the mat and took her hands from her mouth.
“Not true E. That part of you, I figured out my first year of law school, I just never said anything. I continued to play my part just like always because it gave me a sense of importance. Something I provided for you because that’s how you liked it. I’m sorry I said anything. You have been an amazing friend and I would be doing you a disservice if I’d stayed out of it completely.”
“Oh Andy, I love you so much and I understand, really I do. But, I honestly don’t want to know what Walker has said to you. The things he tells you are for you, not me. He will tell me what he will in his own time, but truthfully, I don’t know if I can trust it completely. Not now, not this late in the game. I’ll wonder if he has an ulterior motive and I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve never been such a doubtful bitch…I mean expletive, before. Ever since the pregnancy, I’ve turned into a whiny, untrusting, ‘oh woe is me’ immature mess. I think I’m more ticked off at myself for that than anyone else.”
Andy watched the truth start to take root in Erika’s face as she spoke. “What I do know is how to make a list and analyze a situation.” If there was one way to draw Erika back to a place of reason, it was with a list. She was a prolific list maker, and it was the only place where her emotions would be able to take a backseat to facts. Her making a list, finally, was a good sign, it meant she could see things clearly if she wrote it down.
“I’ll make a list and try to be objective, while I wait to hear it from him and do my best not to let my hurt taint what he says. As long as I have you, and my baby girl, the rest of the world can fade away and I’ll figure it out sooner or later. Hopefully once I deliver this huge baby, I’ll re
gain my backbone and lose the whine…” and then she threw in sarcastically, “…and gain back my wine. For real, I could really use a Big Red Blend right about now.”
Andy released her hands and reached for the papers by his thigh. It was now or never. Knowing it was for the best wasn’t going to make her displeasure with him a less jagged pill to swallow.
“I want you to remember how much I love you and what you mean to me. I would never hurt you or leave you at the mercy of someone I thought meant you harm. No matter what you believe now, know that Walker loves you as much as I do and I’m confident he will not hurt you again. I can read people pretty well remember, and all I get from him is how crazy he is about you, but he was hurt too and lashed out. He just lashed out differently than you did, but you are both complicit. It’s important that you forgive him for that, as he’s forgiven you, not for his sake sweetheart, but for yours.”
Andy let his words sink in as he brought the papers up into view. “Remember all the papers we signed when we got married to cover any contingency? Well, I pulled this out.” Andy indicated the paper in his hand. “It’s for the best Erika. You can’t move forward without it and, believe it or not, you no longer need my protection. You can protect yourself, you always could. And if you’ll just let him, Walker will protect you in those times when you can’t. Please call him, or at least accept his call when it comes. Regardless of how you feel right now, you will regret it if you do not share this time with him, even if you don’t want it to be as a couple, you’re both still her parents.”
Andy rose from his seated position and dropped a kiss on her forehead. “As much as I enjoy sharing this pregnancy with you, it’s not mine to share and I feel you’re cheating Walker out of his rightful place, so I’ve had our marriage annulled. You are free to follow your heart, and I think if you’d put your pain aside and listen to the directions it’s giving you, it will navigate you right into Walker’s arms.”
Andy stared down as her. He knew new papers would need to be signed and filed, and so would she, but this was symbolic and he planned on getting those done as soon as possible. He left the papers in the bath tray and quit the room.
Once outside in the hallway, he let his tears flow. He didn’t know how long Erika would hate him for what he’d just done, but he was sure it wouldn’t be longer than he hated himself. Right thing or not, it certainly hurt like hell to see that disappointment in her eyes. Marco came down the hall and embraced him while he wept. When his last tear had fallen, Marco spoke.
“She’s a smart girl Andy, and it won’t be long before she understands it is your overwhelming love motivating you. I will not allow you to beat yourself up over this. She will realize it’s for the best sooner or later.”
“It’s the how later that frightens me Marco.”
***
ERIKA
Erika remained in the tub long after the water went tepid and the bubbles dissolved, too stunned to even pull herself from the water and towel off. Andy filed the annulment papers they had signed as a contingency when they married. He’d actually done it, not that she blamed him. She was a hot mess, and he and Marco had a life to start together. She just hadn’t been expecting it at this point. Erika was hoping he’d wait until whatever custody arrangement was settled between her and Walker.
Andy believed in Walker so much he ended their marriage before the baby was even born. Either Walker really did care and didn’t know about the baby, or, he was one hell of an actor. No one got one over on Andy, no one.
The last few months started rolling around in her head, beginning with the night they had sex. She couldn’t think of it as anything else anymore, and ending with the delivery of these papers.
Walker knew, he had to know, how could he not? Erika replayed that day over and over, she remembered admiring the small picture before tucking it in between some papers. Maybe Augusta took it out, but that didn’t seem likely, she didn’t have that catty vibe to her. Maybe Walker hasn’t read through every single sheet and it’s stuck between two pages right where she tucked it. Maybe she dropped it herself?
Those we long shots, but she felt hope reaching out to her. What are the odds of losing the one thing that told him about the baby? Nope, he may just be in denial, or trying to figure out his course of action, but either way, it’s time to move on, figuratively and literally. But where? The doctor had cleared her to travel, within reason, but who did she care enough about to share the birth of her child with?
Simple answer really—Andy, Marco, Walker, Tori, Melanie, and Mama Wellington.
She gave Tor a quick call to covertly probe if Walker had told her. No such luck, she would have answered the phone squealing. She seemed as clueless as Walker was, according to Andy. Besides her bestie was heading to Indiana for a camping trip with “The Dick.” Erika tried to be happy for her friend, but she knew in her heart of hearts he was going to hurt her. Plus, she was a little gun-shy about happily ever afters right now.
Erika alluded to something big by the time Tori returned, and Tori did too. Both so caught up in their own crap that they both missed the clues the other was dropping.
Mama W was out since Andy probably hadn’t had the chance to talk to her yet about their relationship, and Marco. If she went to her, well, she’d figure it out in no time. She needed to be able to share this moment with Walker, damn it. He was the father of her kid for crying out loud. And then there’s Andy, her best friend since eighth grade. The man she dreamed she could always count on.
Well, screw them all. She wasn’t some shrinking violet who needed a man to do things. Erika Juliet Pressman had been alone since before Andy, so she could do it now. Knowing Andy did the right thing helped; of course, she wasn’t ready to admit that to him just yet. She wasn’t mad at him, not really, but it still stung. She was scared, plain and simple, and fear lashes out sometimes. Erika refused to allow fear to cloud her mind for another minute. That left Melanie and…
Entering her room, she grabbed a journal and a pen and started writing. Lists always helped her work through things rationally. She had given up on them for a while, given up on anything that made her think. But not anymore, she needed to start using her head, she would be a mother soon.
1) Walker = Maybe he doesn’t know, maybe he does-not vengeful
⁃ Either way-doesn’t acknowledge baby-his choice?-not bitter.
2) Regardless of W feelings-family gets their own choice.
⁃ Call Mrs. Reid A.S.A.P. & Tori (after trip) & Melanie (for support).
⁃ If they want relationship with baby-move back-guard heart from W.
3) Andy-forgive-did right thing.
⁃ Call Mama Wellington together/explain - still Gma - get M&A hitched A.S.A.P.
Before Erika finished her list, she had all the answers she needed for now. Enough to make some major decisions for herself and her daughter. Walker had to make the choices that were right for him, and she wouldn’t fault him for that as she needed to do the same for herself and her daughter. Other people get to make their own choices too, regardless of how she or Walker feel about each other or that night. Those choices are theirs, not her’s or Walker’s, to make. She would do the right thing, even if it killed her.
A quick contact search yielded the number she needed. She’d never called it before, but Tori had given it to her eons ago. Dialing it before she chickened out, she reached for the comforter while it rang, realizing for the first time she had yet to dress after her bath.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Mrs. Reid?”
“Yes.”
“Hi Mrs. Reid, this is Erika Pressman…”
“Oh yes, Walker’s friend, how are you dear?” Erika didn’t expect her to recall her as Walker’s friend when it had been Tori to introduce them. She’d met her face to face less than a handful of times, even though Tori dragged her to every reunion, picnic, and social gathering the Reid clan had. Erika rarely did more than wave to Tori and Walker’s parents because she was afr
aid she oozed that cradle robber, “I-want-to-fuck-your-son” vibe.
“I’m well, Mrs. Reid, how are you?”
“Oh me? I’m fine love, just fine. Except for the fact that both of my kids are complete and utter morons who can’t read the writing on the wall. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, now am I sweetheart? And it’s high time you call me Francis don’t you think?”
Oooooookay? Erika was thinking how strange this conversation was turning out to be, but shook it off to get to the point. “Mrs. Reid, Francis, I’d like to visit with you this week if I could. I have something I wish to discuss.”
“Yes, of course dear. Can you come by Tuesday? It’s about time we got to know each other better, we definitely have a lot to talk about.”
Stunned, Erika answered in the affirmative and said her goodbyes before hanging up. Staring at the phone like an alien, she spoke to the empty room. “What the fuck was that about? Oops, sorry sweetie,” she apologized to the baby.
Holy crap, did Walker tell her about them and the baby? No, that would never happen, but it was something. Nothing to it now but to wait for Tuesday. Mentally checking that off her list, she dressed and went in search of Andy.
Finding him and Marco making out like teenagers in his office wasn’t what she wanted to see right now, but their obvious love reaffirmed her belief that it could exist, just not for her. “Ahem.” Breaking apart like two thirteen-year-olds who just got busted by their mom, their cheeks flushed and they averted their eyes.
“I need to talk to you, both of you.” She let her gaze roam between Andy and Marco.
“Would you like some hot tea?” Marco inquired.
She answered “yes,” but Andy volunteered to grab it. While he was gone, Erika went to Marco and embraced him.
Indelible You (Imagine Ink) Page 14