The Learners: A Novel (No Series)

by Kidd, Chip

  SCRIBNER A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. This book is a work of fiction. Oh, yes. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. You betcha. Copyright © 2008 by Charles Kidd. Yes, CHARLES. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, an, address Scribner Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New york NY 10020. First Scribner hardcover edition February 2008. SCRIBNER and design are trademarks of Macmillan Library Reference USA, Inc., used under license by Simon & Schuster, the publisher of this work. The author is deeply grateful to the Bogliaso Foundation for its generous support. Book design by Chip Kidd, wrote it in Quark 6.0. Text is set in Bodoni Old Face, with various embellishments. Learners logo designed by Mr. F. C. Ware. Library of Congress Control Number: 2007048102. ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-6488-1

  ISBN-10: 1-4165-6488-8.

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  Contents

  1961

  (October.)

  We’ll Be Right Back, After This.

  1961

  I. Before.

  (August, June.)

  II. During.

  (September.)

  III. After.

  (September–November.)

  An idea ahead of its time, no matter what it is, is not a good idea.

  —No one you’ve ever heard of

  Q: And babies?

  A: And babies.

  —THE NEW YORK TIMES,

  Nov. 25, 1969

  1961

  OCTOBER.

  We’ll Be Right Back, After This:

  I was in the shower when I realized where I’d gone wrong. That’s a cliché now, I know, but it wasn’t then. Back then it was wildly new and my idea, and I would have copyrighted it had I foreseen it would become so popular, but well—as with so many things, who knew? Anyway, there I was, the water drilling away, its wet warmth my amniotic tide, the shower curtain a plastic, plaid uterine wall. Then it occurs to me, like a gift from God: Shoes are our friends.

  Our friends.

  Not just our acquaintances, the occasional giggly aunt and bald uncle over for dinner, the neighbors down the hall you have to say hello to—but the confidants we carefully screen and select over the course of a lifetime, our intimates. The ones who shield us from the slush, the sludge, the world’s dirt underfoot.

  But their love is not unconditional. We have a bargain to keep. If we are good to them, they’ll give us everything they have, right down to their pocked, worn soles. Incredible.

  Yes, this was news.

  Clearly, I would have to change my strategy…

  I.

  BEFORE.

  AUGUST.

  1961

  When Tip is standing in the doorway as he is right now, it can only mean one thing. I brace myself. He shouts, eyes pleading:

  “Milk!”

  After two and a half months, I’m starting to get used to it. Very jarring at first, but now I’m practically a pro. I counter, with excellent timing:

  “Paint!”

  Aha. Got him. He wasn’t ready for that.

  “Paint?”

  I raise my head from the potato chip coupon I’ve been laying out with blue pencil for the past ten minutes and arch my right eyebrow, which is all he needs. Sketchy ignores us, as always.

  “Faaassssssssinating.” It’s like a gas leak from Tip’s mouth and he darts back down to his office.

  And I am reminded, grateful: This can be a pretty fun place to work.

  JUNE.

  Who am I? I am Happy.

  Not in any descriptive way, God knows—it’s my name. A nickname, to be more precise, which I acquired relatively late in life, as those things go. From a teacher of mine in college, freshman year. And because of that it will always be who—not what—I am.

  I wear it proudly, my sleeve’s own Purple Heart.

  Me: twenty-one years old, Caucasian male of mixed Anglo-Italian origin, olive-skinned, round tortoise-shell horn-rimmed glasses, hair sort of like Brandon De Wilde’s in Shane, otherwise not interesting to look at. Or at least that’s what the evidence would suggest.

  Which is fine by me, because I’m the one doing the looking. I’m a graphic designer—I pretty much see the world as one great big problem to solve; one typeface, one drawing, one image at a time. Life is a lifelong assignment that must be constantly analyzed, clarified, figured out, and responded to appropriately.

  I am inquisitive, though I hope not in any obnoxious way; and while I’m wary of any sort of unfamiliarity I am also quickly and easily bored by routine. I grew up in the eastern mid-Atlantic region of the United States, raised Protestant—the United Church of Christ—but have become very much of the “religion is the opiate of the people” school (the sole piece of common sense I gleaned from a course on Marxist theory, senior year), which of course I have elected to keep from my roundly nice, doting parents, lest they call the police. But I am close to my family, the way you are close to other people in a small crowded elevator that has temporarily stalled but will be moving any minute now. And as far as I was concerned, that minute was almost here.

  Let’s see, what else. I am convinced that ALL sports are a sanctioned form of mass-demonic worship, that cathedrals and museums have traded roles in the greater culture, and that Eve Arden is woefully underappreciated by society at large—as are comic books, malted milk, cracking your neck, secret decoder rings, glass tea kettles, whoopie pies, and television test patterns. And—ahem—graphic designers. That should do for now.

  Wait, I’m forgetting something. Oh.

  I do not write poetry.

  But most of all: I am eager to start my career as a newly certified Bachelor of the Arts in Graphic Design, with a very specific goal—acquiring a job at the advertising agency of Spear, Rakoff & Ware; two states away, up in New Haven, Connecticut.

  Why? Simple.

  It’s where Winter Sorbeck started. Long ago.

  Now, yes—Winter, the teacher in question who christened me, my GD instructor during my first year at State—is a whole other story. And certainly one with no small amount of pain. But however bullying, severe, terror-inducing, and unnerving he was (and boy, was he), he was equal parts mesmerizing, eye-opening, inspiring, and brilliant. He was unlike any teacher I’d had, before or since. By the end of that spring semester he abruptly quit the faculty and vanished. I would have gladly dropped out to follow him anywhere, but no amount of amateur detective work revealed where that might be. So I bided my time, worked for the next three years to get my degree, and upon graduation decided: If I couldn’t be where Winter was now, I’d go where he’d been. In the course of solving one of his earlier assignments I discovered that he started his career at Spear, Rakoff & Ware, and if that was good enough for him, it would be good enough for me.

  Mandatory, actually.

  And proving difficult. No surprise there—if Winter was anything, he was difficult, as would be anyplace associated with him. But no doubt worth the trouble. I approached the firm early, in March, three months before graduation. My initial inquiry went unanswered, as did my résumé (which could have won the Collegian’ s annual First Fiction award), and the letter of recommendation I’d extorted from the dean’s secretary. By May I was desperate, so I telephoned. The voice that greeted me hummed with the same welcome slow tone I knew from three years earlier, when I’d called for help on that gum wrapper label design problem for Winter. It was Milburne “Sketchy” Spe
ar—the head of the art department. He didn’t remember me and I didn’t remind him—I wanted a clean start. The years had not changed his enthusiasm:

  “Oh, you don’t want to work here.”

  “Um, yes sir, I do.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes sir.”

  Silence.

  “Hello?”

  “Sorry, I’m inking. Mind’s a porch screen when I’m inking. I’m trying to do a crowd scene with a Number 5 Pedigree pen tip. Should be using a Radio 914. Doesn’t really matter—can’t draw anymore anyway, never could. God, I stink. Wouldn’t you rather work someplace else? Where people didn’t stink?”

  What? “No sir, I’d like to work for your firm. You know, to sort of get my feet wet.” Dreadful. Why did I say that?

  “Heh.” He sounded like a lawnmower trying to start. “Heh. That’s what I thought. I mean, that’s what I thought when I got here. You know when that was?”

  “No. I—”

  “You know dirt?”

  “Dirt?”

  “Dirt.”

  “Um, yes. Dirt.”

  “Well, I started here the year before they discovered it.”

  “I see.”

  “Heh.”

  “At least…it must have been spotless when you arrived.”

  “Heh-heh. Can you airbrush?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Operate a photo-stat machine?”

  “Did you receive my résu—”

  “Do you know what I’m doing right now?”

  “Uh, drawing a crowd scene with a…Number 5 Pedigree pen tip?”

  “No, that’s done. Now I’m trying to decide what kind of face the potato chip should have. That’s always the question. Everything’s a question.”

  “Pardon?”

  “For this newspaper ad. A whole half-pager, due by five. Everyone signed off on it yesterday—the crowd, see, they’ve all filed out into the street to worship a giant potato chip.”

  “I see.”

  “Because it’s a Krinkle Kutt. One of our biggest accounts.”

  “Right.”

  “Six stories tall.” His tone was casual, as if he was telling me about his brother-in-law. “So, exactly what sort of expression should it have on its face? Because obviously, it’s a very happy potato chip, to be a Krinkly Kollosus, and looked up to by all these tiny people, who adore it so.”

  “Well…it’s obvious to me.”

  “That right?”

  “It should look chipper.”

  “Heh.”

  “So to speak.” Boy, was I making this up. Pure hokum. “You know, not so smug. He doesn’t want to frighten everyone. I mean, I’d be wary of a protean jagged slab of tuber towering over my fellow citizens, our fate in his many, many eyes. Especially if he’s been fried in lard. Which he has, I hope?”

  “Heh. You still want to work here?”

  “Definitely.”

  But that was just the beginning. I managed to coax an appointment with Mr. Spear to show him my portfolio the first week of June; and while he did admit it wouldn’t hurt to have some extra help, he also made it clear the decision on hires wasn’t really his.

  On the train to New Haven the day of our meeting, it dawned on me that this was hopeless.

  Me, to me: Do you realize what you are doing? This is what you are doing: You are going to a place you’ve never been, in a town that is totally unfamiliar, to meet with someone you don’t know, in order to convince this person to pay you (regularly) to do something you’ve never done before.

  All that’s missing is Sancho Panza at your side.

  Agreed. But I had to try. Winter had, successfully.

  Though now that I thought of it, he went to Yale. And I went to the opposite of Yale.

  This bore more weight with each approaching stop.

  “…Fairfield, Bridgeport…”

  Of course they weren’t going to take on anyone from a state university, much less one out of state.

  “…Stratford, Milford…”

  They obviously had some sort of direct-hire program from Yale, they’d be crazy not to.

  “…and New Haven. End of the line. All out.”

  What a waste of time, and sure to be humiliating. But I was used to that.

  “This it?” asked the cabbie.

  “I…guess so.” Was it? The address matched, but still.

  The drive from the beaux arts train station, so grand with its vaulted ceilings and terrazzo floors, took less than five minutes.

  And now, as he drove off, I faced a study in contrasts: the probable office building of Spear, Rakoff & Ware. It wasn’t at all what I’d pictured.

  First, there were no columns in the lobby. Or trees, elevator attendants, cigar stands, shoe shine boys, or Gregory Peck. In fact, there was no lobby, at least none that I could make out from the sidewalk. There was a door. Period. It was black, cast iron, and apparently bolted shut. The only other advertising agency I’d ever seen was the one from The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit, and though I realized that was in New York (and fake New York at that), I also thought it might have represented some kind of national standard. Nope.

  Before me stood a weathered four-story Victorian brick cottage on Trumbull Street. A plaque welded to the right of the entrance announced itself as the town’s first firehouse “in the years when Dickens declared Hillhouse Avenue (a five-minute walk away) the most beautiful street in America.”

  Probably because he’d just come from this one.

  Parked in the garage off to the left, where one pictured a once trusty horse-drawn water wagon waiting to race to its next bucket brigade, was an Olympic-size ’59 Cadillac convertible the color of raw veal. And it had about as much room to move as a fatted calf—the back end of it jutted out of the garage, blocking half the sidewalk. The top was down and the eggshell blue upholstery, immaculate on the driver’s side, was, on the passenger seat, mauled to a relish of leather and foam.

  I rang the bell—not really a bell at all, but a chrome box with rounded edges and vertical slits, hovering over a red Bakelite button. I pressed it again.

  Static. “Yes?” A woman’s voice, swarming with electrons. Sounded like she was counties away.

  “Is this Spear, Rakoff and Ware?”

  “Yes?”

  Could she hear me? I pushed the button a third—

  “Please stop that.”

  Yipes. “Sorry. I’m here to see Mr. Spear, please.”

  “Do you have an appointment?”

  “Oh, yes ma’am. He’s expecting me.” I gave her my name. Waited.

  And waited. Then

  “ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAATTT!!!”

  It was the door—apparently several thousand volts of electricity were coursing through the handle. I couldn’t bring myself to touch it.

  Finally, it popped open and a lady with ice-white hair the shape and texture of spun sugar stuck her head out and looked at me—the way a duchess would notice a stain on her bedsheets.

  “Isn’t this working?” she snapped, glaring at the buzzer with her pretty knife of a face, ready to have the knob drawn and quartered. Her eyes glowed with the fact that her perfect hands and their attending scarlet talons were made for better things than this, than for opening doors for me.

  “I, I don’t know.”

  She sighed mightily and withdrew and let it begin to close. I caught it just before it latched, and followed her in.

  The reception area had one small couch—a rounded Machine Age number made of worn gray suede and aluminum tubing. I gingerly sat on it; me—a terrible intruder, a twig in the spokes of this agency’s mighty wheel. The ceiling was double-height, with three windows on the second-floor level (apparently inaccessible to cleaners) facing a balcony with offices behind it. The center of the room was pierced by a polished stainless-steel cylindrical beam that ran from floor to ceiling.

  This firehouse smelled…of smoke.

  A bowl of potato chips on the coffee table in front of me rest
ed atop five back issues of Advertising Production Techniques Weekly. A handwritten and folded piece of paper, like a place card at a dinner party, had been positioned in front of it and said DO NOT TOUCH. The secretary promptly forgot I existed, having clamped an operator’s headset onto her comely skull and set to typing with the fury of an aerial machine gunner laying waste to a squadron of Sopwith Camels. Another bowl of potato chips sat next to her typewriter, with its own warning to stay clear of it.

  I waited helplessly for something to happen, sorrier by the second. What could I have been thinking? How could I have thought I’d ever be of any use to anyone here? Those chips sure looked good. Minutes crawled by like desert-marooned cartoon characters. Thirsty. And now I wanted to eat a potato chip more than I wanted to keep breathing. My tie was tightening around my throat, the armpits in my good Arrow shirt grew wet and hot under my confirmation blazer, and my new cordovan Bass Weejuns were strangling my feet. The next train back left in forty minutes. I was going to be on it.

  “What’s the matter, sitting on a tack?”

  A voice with the timbre of a bell—bright, piercing, capable of alarm. He’d appeared magically to my left—a tall boy-man in white shirtsleeves and a thin crimson tie, dark gray trousers—he was lithe and angular and trying to keep still. His wire-rim glasses were lit by eyes that looked at you and somewhere behind you and someplace beyond that, to be sure. They flanked a beaky nose that didn’t fit in with the rest of his face at all—an uninvited guest to the party of his features.

  The yellow legal pad clutched tight in his right hand bore what looked like obsessively scrawled notes for the Encyclopedia Britannica. Or an A-bomb.

  I started to explain myself. “I—”

  Sotto voce, to me: “Don’t tell me Preechy left you here to fend for your self.” He glanced back to the secretary’s desk, which was mounted on a platform perched a good two feet above the floor, accessible by steps. He must have thought I was someone else, talking to me like this.