No Way Back Today

by Eric Shoars

  “Graduated from Iowa State with a business degree. Worked for a few years in the dealership I now own. Bought it from Bob the original owner when he retired which was a great decision. I have the best toys on my lot. Never wanted to be a farmer because I don’t have the temperament for it. I like to help farmers but I don’t want to be one. Too many uncertainties, too many things out of my control.”

  I nod with understanding. Todd probably got most of the same stories from his dad I got from mine. Only difference was that years before I was born, my dad was a farmer. He tried his best but he wasn’t able to get enough land to be able to scale a profitable farm business.

  Dad went to work for the local grain elevator after selling off the farm and all the equipment. Mom told me that Dad was a mentor to Todd’s dad, Mike. Dad was 20 years older than Mike so he looked up to my dad. The friendship of our fathers is part of what led us to become friends.

  “How are your folks doing?”

  “Livin’ the life,” Todd says. “They retired to Florida years ago. Dad took up fly fishing. Mom got into needlepoint. They don’t miss Iowa winters that’s for sure”

  “Does your mom still suffer from migraines?”

  “Actually, no. My mom found a new dentist who specializes in unique dental solutions for treating things other than teeth issues. Turns out Mom’s jaw was out of alignment which caused a chain reaction that led to the migraines. The new dentist made a special dental appliance and she hasn’t had a migraine since.”

  “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for her. What a miracle that is.”

  “What about you? What do you do?” Todd asks changing the focus to me.

  “I own a marketing consulting business. A firm of one. My business helps business owners with their marketing and advertising strategies to bring in more customers,” I reply.

  “Sounds tedious,” Todd declares.

  “You said I like a good story. Marketing and advertising are all about telling stories. It’s how people align with your brand. Stories,” I emphasize trying not to feel insulted at this point. “It’s nice too because it’s just me so I can office at home. Flexible schedule.”

  “Guess we’re both helping different types of business owners in our own way,” Todd says. He takes another bite. I do too. He finishes the bite and asks, “Married? Kids?”

  “Yeah. Wife, Julie. Daughters, Nicole and Ashley; 27 and 26. You?”

  A head shake. “Nah. Never took the plunge.”

  “Didn’t ever get bitten by the marriage bug?”

  Todd’s shoulders slump, the weight pressing on his shoulders getting heavier. He lowers his fork. His body language seems to soften. “There was a woman,” Todd starts, “her name was Meredith. Loved her and she loved me. We were together for years. She wanted to get married and I thought we would be. Just could never pull the trigger and ask her. She could only wait so long so one day Meredith broke up with me.”

  “That’s tough stuff. If you don’t mind me asking, why couldn’t you pull the trigger?” I lean in. If Todd answers this question what is said will be profound.

  “Guess I was scared,” he waves in a dismissive manner. “Not of getting married. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Meredith. My fear was the change that would come from being married.” He stops for a moment to notice another customer walk in. “Meredith moved on. Found another guy. Lived happily ever after.”

  “And you?” I ask.

  “She was the one. I let her slip away. Never forgave myself.” He snorts in disgust. “It’s not like I don’t take chances. I just couldn’t take this one. This one. Kept every other woman at arm’s length after that. Won’t be hurt like that again.”

  Todd could use a moment after that admission so I give him one. Not sure where to take our conversation. Easy to see where most of the weight on his shoulders comes from. My attention turns back to my tart.

  “Ask me,” Todd says.

  My brows furrow. “Ask you what?”

  “Ask me the question,” he demands.

  Then it dawns on me. “Why did you stop being my friend?”

  There it is. Out in the open now. No putting it back in the box. Todd’s body slumps slightly once more. It occurs to me the cringe-worthy exchanges after he first sat down were partially due to his being on edge about this subject.

  “We moved away. You and I weren’t part of each other’s lives anymore. We were in high school, had activities, and we were three hours away from each other. What...were we supposed to schedule play dates on the weekends?” He verbally pushes me away.

  “I get it. It was the early ‘80s. Back then Mom and Dad didn’t go very far from home because they were busy. There was no internet so it was either letters or phone calls to stay in touch. I get it. But you could have said something,” my voice starts to get louder as emotion starts to get the better of me. I catch myself and take a drink of water to allow me to compose myself.

  Todd waits for me to continue.

  “You could have just told me the friendship is over because of the distance or whatever. But you didn’t. You just dropped off the face of the Earth. Nothing. I’ve always felt that I did something that ended the friendship and never knew what it was.” My voice ended at a higher volume at the end of the sentence than it was at the start.

  Other patrons turn to look at us. Silence as we go back to our pastries. We consider what the other has said, not sure what the next words are.

  Todd polishes off the final bite. “You didn’t do anything. I just didn’t know how to say it so I didn’t say anything. Just avoided the situation. You’d figure it out. I’m sorry.”

  It’s my turn to wave him off. “No apology necessary. It’s not what I want nor what I came for but since we were going to be here I wanted to know so I can put it to rest and not wonder anymore.” I polish off my tart.

  “The KISS video you posted from when we were kids was outstanding. Can you believe that was 40 years ago?” Todd changes the direction of the conversation and that’s fine by me.

  “I just couldn’t believe it was out there on YouTube. Talk about random. But, then again, it is KISS we’re talking about so it does make some sense. You still a big KISS fan?”

  “KISS army all the way, baby,” Todd proclaims with a fist pump. “I go to one concert a year. Try to pick a different city every time. What a blast. Gene Simmons is still the man. You still a Joan Jett fan?”

  “Blackheart Nation all the way,” I pronounce proudly. Our conversation is relaxed for the first time since we sat down.

  Claire breezes up to our table and places the ticket in front of Todd. “Gotta wrap it up, boys. We close in ten minutes. Mr. Kane, you can pay at the counter like always. Thanks for coming by.” She returns to the counter.

  Todd and I look at our phones. Sure enough, it’s 5:20. We look across the table at each other exchanging a knowing look acknowledging our time is up.

  “Guess that’s our cue,” is all I can say stating the obvious.

  “Yeah. Guess so.”

  We stand as one. I extend my right hand and Todd shakes it. “Thanks for the invitation. Let’s not let so much time pass until we talk again,” he says.

  “Agreed,” I reply.

  Todd and I step away from the table. He slaps me on the shoulder. “Have a safe drive home.”

  “Will do. Talk to you soon.” I wave to Claire as I depart.

  Rocky start, strong finish.

  One more coffee date to go.

  ***

  A few hours later I’m settled in at the Americinn Hotel in Pella, Iowa, lounging on the bed. Time to call Julie to check in.

  “Hey, handsome, how was your day?” Julie answers her phone on the second ring.

  “Marvelous. Exceeded expectations,” is my answer as the cable channel flipping begins. It’s not that talking to Julie isn
’t a priority it’s just that my eyes need something to occupy them as my ears and mouth are doing their conversation thing. Jackpot! TBS is airing an old episode of The Big Bang Theory. Oh! It’s the one where Sheldon misses out on meeting Stan Lee. One of my favorite episodes. The outfit Penny wears to court is exquisite.

  “Hello? Are you still there?”

  My attention snaps back to Julie as the realization hits that my internal dialogue has hijacked my verbal one. “Yeah, sorry. I was sitting here flipping channels and landed on The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon misses meeting Stan Lee...”

  “...and the outfit Penny wears to court is exquisite. Yes. I remember,” Julie finishes my sentence. “Anyway, tell me about how your day went.”

  “Met with Laurel which was fun. Getting together with her was not as nerve wracking because we graduated together and have seen each other at a few reunions. What surprised me about both of my coffee meetings is how real they were. Conversations weren’t superficial, that’s for sure.”

  “How so?”

  “Laurel and I talked a lot about how goals change and how life changes when we become empty nesters. Life after kids and all that. With Todd, there was unfinished business with how our friendship ended which we worked through. I think.” After completing the thought I stop and reflect on it to determine if my assessment is correct.

  “Sounds like a rewarding day,” Julie encourages. “What’s your gut tell you about the band?”

  “Not sure. Obviously it didn’t come up. My gut says Laurel would be more open to it than Todd. Todd...has changed. He was much more affable growing up. A much harder edge now. Very blunt, very matter of fact now. He’s going to be a tougher sell.”

  “Excited for tomorrow’s meeting with Lorelei?”

  “Nervous. Don’t take this the wrong way but it kinda feels like a blind date.”

  “No, I get it. You haven’t seen her since grade school and now you’re meeting, pretty much, with a stranger. Could be very awk-ward.”

  Julie hits the awk hard. She’s not wrong. The tenacious tummy tickle returns for an encore performance. Lorelei is a stranger and I’m a stranger to her. Only the little bit I’ve gleaned from her Facebook page – admittedly not much – is all I have. It’s a bit daunting.

  “On the positive side, we have so much to talk about since she moved away, there is a potential for us to discover a lot about each other,” is my attempt to put a positive spin on it.

  “Perhaps. You said Todd has changed a lot over the years and he was your best friend growing up. Do you think it will be easier with Lorelei?” Julie presses.

  “Apples and oranges, boo,” getting up off the bed I begin pacing around the room. Julie’s line of questioning has given rise to a greater restlessness within me. Gotta get up and walk it off.

  “With Todd there is an emotional layer from a friendship that abruptly ended and some unresolved issues. Meeting with Lorelei contains no emotional component except for the nostalgia of childhood.”

  “True,” Julie’s voice trails off as if her attention is being averted. “I don’t mean to cut you off but your sister is here. She’s joining me for ladies night with my friends so I have to get going.”

  “Understood. Didn’t have anything to add. Tell Ani I said hello.”

  “Will do,” Julie acknowledges. “Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye.” A quick tap of the red End Call button on my smart phone officially brings our call to an end.

  The pacing path I’ve navigated brings me to the curtains on the far side of my room. Parting them gives me a scenic view of the parking lot lit by the lamps now that the sun has set.

  It is a quiet night in Pella, Iowa. The serenity of the town is not exactly shocking given the fact that Pella’s population is a little over 10,000. Pella is a shade off the beaten path – but only 40 miles from Des Moines – and is surrounded by many smaller communities. It is a fairly closed community if you’re not of Dutch heritage.

  Pella is the headquarters of the Pella Window company which gives the town a lot of economic advantages most towns of its size do not have. How many communities this size have a four-year college?

  The curtains fall back to their natural hanging position. The feeling of restlessness refuses to subside. Grabbing my master planner notebook from my suitcase I set up shop on the bed. This notebook contains every thought, every plan on this reunion quest. It’s a multi-subject notebook so each part of the process is in its own spiral-bound compartment.

  The section markers are flipped till the desired one is before me. This section is titled “Band Members”. In it contains notes on Laurel, Todd, and Lorelei. Things I know, things I’ve remembered, things I’ve learned through our interaction on Facebook.

  That’s so creepy, Dad. Ashley’s voice whispers to my ear from inside my head. Not arguing with her either. When viewing my notes my feelings rotate from giddy to guilty...long-lost friend/detective/stalker.

  Ash and I were out for a run the other day and we were talking about my “surveillance” and how the other three will feel about it when I reveal my plan and layout the details before them. Ashley was very frank – which is her natural state of being – about how she would feel if it were her.

  “I’d be so pissed, sorry, angry with you. I’d feel manipulated, like I was a chess piece or something in a game you’re playing and you’re the only one who knows you’re playing.”

  Can’t say I disagree with her and – out of all of the things about my quest – it’s the part that is the most problematic and has the potential for blowing up in my face.

  Another voice whispers from inside my head and it is that of my late mother’s: Cross that bridge when you get there.

  Pages are thumbed till Laurel’s name appears and the new knowledge gained today pour onto the page. Writing furiously my brain instructs my fingers to move the pen across the page in no discernable order of information. Whatever thought, quote, impression, or perception that comes to mind just spills onto the pages. I don’t qualify or evaluate any thought as it comes out. Brain-spilling instead of brain-storming.

  Once the last of my Laurel thoughts finish I move on to Todd. It’s not long till my impressions of Todd are complete but then thoughts start to get tangled and my process gets blocked.

  Maybe I need to steam out the tangle. A shower might dislodge the mental cork so I make a straight line to the bathroom. The television sound is left on to simulate companionship. I don’t want silence now.

  ***

  What is it about standing under a flow of hot water for ten minutes that is so relaxing, so calming? A sweeping motion with my right arm pushes away the shower curtain and my left hand grabs a towel from the wall-mounted rack. I move the towel around my body quickly. Even though I feel relaxed I am anxious to see if thoughts will move more freely. The towel is dropped to the floor. Steam hangs like a fog in the room and covers the mirror over the sink.

  My head cocks to the right, my brow furrows, and eyes narrow studying the mirror intently. Instinctively, I bring my index finger to the mirror and trace the number 86 in the steam. I stand and stare almost mesmerized.

  During the winter months back in elementary school the bus windows would have a layer of frost on them on frigid mornings. It took a long time for the inside of the bus to warm up so the frosty layer took a while to clear up. I’m not sure who started the tradition but we’d seen the older kids trace the last two digits of their graduation year in the frost.

  Those digits were a numerical mantra reminding us the year we would be released from our educational prison. We would finally be free if we could only make it to that year. A lightning bolt of inspiration strikes causing me to fling the door open and make a mad scramble to the bed.

  My notebook is thrown open to the tab marked “Songbook”. Now what comes from my mind isn’t a flow, it’s a flood. My hand st
ruggles to keep up with the speed at which my mind is working. No mental cork exists now.

  A nine-year-old’s memories fly out. His thoughts about what the number 86 means along with those long winter days, the bus rides, and the experiences are what land on the pages. My mind doesn’t stop there as more song thoughts flow behind the one just finished.

  It is only after I am satisfied I have written all my mind has to offer when I realize I am buck naked. A laugh of surprise and joy starts at my toes, seemingly following up a circuit, till it hits my mouth and becomes audible.

  I wish Julie and the girls could see this. Okay, no. Not this. Not me naked. No, I wish they could see the joy of this creative process, of the element of surprise that continually sneaks up on me when I least expect it and without warning. I stop momentarily to put on my Batman shirt and a pair of cotton shorts before returning to writing. Pages flip again and I look at the notes I wrote about the coffee dates with Laurel and Todd.

  The pen is set down on the page. 1986, Take the Day, All Those Ones and Zeroes are the song titles. The goal of these songs is to resonate with the life experiences of my generation but also – hopefully – to feed the curiosity of those generations after us.

  Todd’s story about his finding “the one” and letting her get away. That’s a damn powerful theme. A lot of people could probably identify with that.

  Laurel’s questioning her identity once the boys are all out of the house will ring true with people. Our generation now faces the reality of our kids leaving the nest and many of our contemporaries are struggling with that. Thankfully, those days are past me but it is no less gut wrenching for those who are going through it.

  Everything Changed is the song title I come up with for the song about Todd’s circumstance and No Way Back Today for Laurel’s. An exhale of relief mixed with accomplishment feels much like the final exhale after completing a long run – satisfaction mixed with exhaustion. Pen dropped and notebook pushed across the bed make space for the laptop to take its place there.