Blush: A Strangers-to-Lovers Romance

by Rachel De Lune

  The water did nothing, and I was wide awake for the rest of the night. Sleep was just too far out of reach. Every time I thought I could drift off, that feeling snuck up on me, forcing my eyes open. And as soon as I was awake, my head went to work on the problems I faced. It was a long fucking night.

  By the morning, I’d slept maybe a handful of minutes. My mind refused to switch off but was very good at showing me the car crash of disappointments and failures in my life, although nothing compared to the feeling that ate me up when I watched Maddison die. It was the worst night of my life and still slayed my heart. But since then, it seems that for every step forward I worked for, there was an opponent ready to knock me back. With Maddison, everything had come easy, and everything was fun. And when he died, he took that with him.

  My piss-poor mood followed me around the apartment like a cloud, and by nine, I was climbing the walls. Moping wouldn’t help me, but I was too tired and too angry to concentrate or calm myself.

  I just had to talk to Astrid—get her to show me there was a positive in all of this—somewhere. She was fast becoming my light in the darkness of my past, and the need to have that connection to her intensified.

  With her caramel coffee in hand, I buzzed her door and was let up immediately.

  “My hero,” she greeted me enthusiastically, and her quirky smile and bright eyes already lifted my mood. She was fucking amazing, and she didn’t need to do anything but be herself to show me that.

  She took her coffee and planted a kiss on my cheek. I had to resist the temptation that overtook every atom of my being to grab hold of her and forget the outside world. My fists clenched at my side, the pull to this woman was that fierce.

  “Everything okay? You look… intense for the morning.”

  “No, I’m fine. Just good to see you.” A deep sigh escaped and pushed the shadow of my nightmare away.

  She beamed and headed to the lounge area.

  “I’m not interrupting your work schedule?” I peered into her study and saw her monitor glowing with a few notebooks strewn on the desk.

  “I can take a break. Besides, sometimes the process doesn’t work. I’ve learned not to rush things. Work hard, but don’t force creativity when it doesn’t want to play.” She took a seat on her sofa, and I joined her.

  Hell only knew how I was going to broach my situation with her. On the way over, I’d come up with a sort of plan: explain a version of events without the details and see what her reaction was. I didn’t have a grand plan of what to do next with my life, but I wanted to see what Astrid’s response was first before I made a fool out of myself. We’d been pretty quick to jump to the physical, but I knew there was something much more between us, and I hoped that might be enough for her to see past my current problems.

  Time to bite the figurative bullet. “Last night didn’t end well for me.”

  “Oh? Is this about what went on at Companion? I got hold of Sawyer, and she told me what happened.”

  “She did?” I tilted my head, wondering just how much she’d offered up in the way of explanation.

  “Yeah.” She readjusted her seat next to me; her body faced towards me. “And I’ve got to say, she said it was ugly. I know you’re a physical guy, but I didn’t think bouncers were meant to go around punching people.” The disapproval in her voice was evident, and it was already clear from the limited amount of details she’d recounted, that Sawyer had chosen to leave out a significant part of the story.

  “What else did Sawyer tell you?” I had to remain calm, and search for the facts, even though I could feel the heat of frustration, warming my skin.

  “Not a lot. She was having a drink with one of her dad’s business acquaintances, and you got into a fight with him. She said that other people had to restrain you from taking it further. I know you know how to handle yourself, but I didn’t have you as the violent type. You told me fighting wasn’t your thing.”

  Convenient that Sawyer didn’t mention the fact that a ‘drink’ was code for fucking. I let Astrid’s words sink in, and I could already hear myself having to set the story straight.

  “Is it true?” Astrid asked, looking at me with trepidation in those eyes like I was about to break something precious to her. Her voice was filled with the hope this wasn’t true, but I already knew she’d believe Sawyer over me. My jaw locked together, and I tamped down on that anger at all of this.

  “It’s true. But it didn’t play out the way you think. Sawyer’s been a little light on the details.”

  “She wouldn’t lie to me, Leo.” Her immediate jump to her friend's defence set off the déjà vu. And Sawyer was at the centre of it. Again.

  “I get that you want to protect your friend, but don’t believe everything she says. Ask her exactly who Mr Wiseman is and what their relationship is.” I measured my words.

  Astrid’s crystal eyes cut to me and the venom beneath their beauty was all too clear for me to see. What had happened to our greeting of only two minutes ago?

  “I don’t need to know, Leo. You’re the one throwing your weight around. There’s no excuse for that. Sawyer said she had to sneak out as to not cause any more of a scene. I know the two of you haven’t hit it off, but don’t believe for one minute that I’m going to let you turn me against her.”

  I stood up, pissed that she was determined only to hear what Sawyer wanted her too. “Wow, okay. Glad to know where you stand. And nobody’s turning anyone against anyone.” I paced away, feeling like whatever I said would just add more fuel to this fight, but right now, I didn’t care. Sawyer didn’t deserve Astrid’s loyalty. The bitterness of losing the one person in the world who had my loyalty, Maddison, darkened my mood further and twisted the knife in.

  I turned back, all the injustice and anger making my hands vibrate. “We’ve been through this once, Astrid. Sawyer wasn’t right the last time, yet here we are again with her version of events looking very different from mine. Do you even want to hear mine?” I levelled her with a stare, and I didn’t hold back. She nodded her head, that initial pep of defence quietening. “I saw Wiseman grab Sawyer. He was being a jerk, and I stepped in because I didn’t want Sawyer to be in a compromising position.”

  “That’s ridiculous. She’d have said, and she’d never let a guy get handsy with her. You have met her, right?”

  “Oh, I have. Perhaps I should have just left her to get tied up and fucked then?” I stared right through all her questions as I spat the truth, hoping to break through Astrid’s shield of loyalty. “I lost my job and my apartment because I tried to help her out.” Saying the words to Astrid was worse than asking for a handout from Matthew. “And I don’t appreciate being called a liar, or Sawyer painting her version of events, to save her pride.” All of my emotions, stirred from my nightmare and humiliation had turned toxic. The last person I wanted to see me like this was Astrid, yet here I was.

  A vision of fighting in the ring struck me, and Astrid’s disapproving eyes at the mention of violence made me wonder how she’d react to my past. It was another nail in the coffin for this morning.

  I grabbed my coat from the side of the sofa and went to leave. Screw that. I couldn’t fight for a girl who didn’t believe me, no matter how fucking perfect she was. So much for coming here with hopes of talking about next steps.

  “Hey, wait? What did you say?”

  “Ask, Sawyer. You only seem interested in her side of things.” I used my words as weapons, and I didn’t care.

  “Hey, that’s not fair. We barely know each other. And I know you’re keeping things from me, Leo. Don’t make out that you’re not hiding secrets yourself.”

  She had a valid point, but I wasn’t ready to bare my soul. No matter how much I liked her. Not yet. “I won’t deny that. But do you honestly believe I’d just lay into some stranger in a bar for no reason?”

  “You’re telling me you’re always the good guy, Leo? That there’s nothing dark in your past?”

  “We’re not talking about
my past. Besides, this is a two-way road, Astrid. You’ve had your fun. Was that all I was to you? A quick fuck?”

  She stiffened at my words, and I already hated that I couldn’t take them back. I knew that wasn’t how Astrid saw me.

  “Did you really try to help her?” she called as my hand landed on the door handle.

  “Yeah, I did. As I said, perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered.” I gripped the door handle, warring with myself about walking away or staying. It was stupid. Despite what I’d just said, it felt like I was about to walk out on someone I’d known for years—we had a connection that went beyond the sum of minutes and hours we’d spent with each other. But my own pride won the battle over staying. I was too damaged right now to see clearly. “Goodbye, Astrid.” The door wrenched open with my anger, and I slammed it behind me, shutting out any last-minute call or shout to change my mind.

  It was done. And my decision made.

  There was nothing to stay here for now. Astrid was the one beam of light in the darkness I’d been navigating, but I’d just snuffed that out.

  14

  Astrid

  What the hell just happened?

  I was breathing as if I’d just run for thirty minutes straight, and my body vibrated with unused adrenaline. There was a gulf in the air around me like something significant had just been removed, and I knew exactly what: Leo. This wasn’t just a simple misunderstanding. It was bigger than that somehow. More than the sum of the words we’d fought with. Nothing about what just happened went as I’d thought it might. We were meant to have coffee, talk… I was excited about seeing him again, despite what Sawyer said. Hell, everything about Leo excited me.

  I stared at the wood grain of the door with my mind running in circles, and my heart pounding against my ribs. He was right. When it came to Sawyer, we stumbled. I leapt to her defence the second anyone had a bad word to say against her. Leo had explained away her versions of events the first time they’d had a difference of explanation, and I could see where things had got muddled. Now this?

  Sawyer hadn’t mentioned anything about being physical with the guy. But why would Leo just start something? It didn’t make sense. And just like Sawyer, I didn’t see why Leo would lie if what happened wasn’t true? I already knew from personal experience that he would step in if he thought someone was in trouble. It was part of my initial appeal to him. I called it chauvinistic the first time we met, but I didn’t think that was the case. Leo was a good person. I felt that in my heart. So why was I so quick to assume the worst in him? Sure, there was the obvious not-really-knowing-the-guy issue, and I knew there was something deeper he was hiding, but did I really expect him to tell me his entire life story in the time we’d been together?

  I knew what I was doing, but my heart gave a flutter as if I needed to be reminded of something.

  Self-defence, or rather, self-preservation.

  Still staring at the door that Leo had just stormed out of, I took a hard look at why I’d been so reticent. I’d never let anyone close before, and Leo was someone who I’d shared more with than most. There was something inherently terrifying about that. And it was so early on in our relationship.

  Belle wished to be swept away in a cloud of make-believe romance that paired her with her one-true-love. But I never believed that would happen. Love at first sight—no. Lust at first sight—hell yeah! Leo was proof of that. But could lust turn to love? I guessed that was what I’d been pulling back from, expecting it to implode before I got hurt.

  Yet, I just saw it blow up.

  It was stupid. It wasn’t like anybody had burned me in my past. I shouldn’t have this anxious feeling. Maybe Sawyer’s pessimism had taken its toll.

  Why would she lie? Why would he lie?

  Call me. We need to talk x

  Sawyer always replied, so I knew I wouldn’t have to wait long for answers. And I had to get things straight with her before I looked at repairing things with Leo. If he was right, he’d lost everything because of Sawyer, and I’d taken her side over his.

  I tapped down the panic that had started swarming in my stomach as I played out the consequences of my quick accusations.

  Can I call you later?

  No, this is important. Even better, come round, or I’ll come to you.

  I held my phone, willing it to chirp Sawyer’s response. The little bubbles of a new message appeared, then disappeared. Repeat. Repeat. No, I couldn’t wait for Sawyer to decide what she wanted to say to me. I pressed the call icon and waited for her to pick up.

  “Astrid, sorry, this isn’t a good time.”

  “Well, sorry, but this can’t wait. We need to talk.” The sounds of London traffic blared in the background. “Are you out?”

  “Yes. I said it’s not a good time.”

  “Just get your driver to drop you at mine. I’m serious, Sawyer. We need to talk about what happened last night.”

  “Oh, let me guess. You’ve spoken to Leo, and now you think everything’s my fault.” Her tone was quick and sharp—ultimate bitch mode from Sawyer.

  “Don’t do that, Sawyer. You need to tell me the truth, and I don’t want to do this over the phone.”

  “Well, I’m not at your beck and call.”

  “Really? Because for the last god knows how many years, that’s literally what you’ve been—whenever I’ve needed something, whenever I’ve texted or called, you’ve been there. Except now.”

  “Is that all I am to you? I thought we were friends? I thought we had each other’s backs no matter what.” And just like that, the bitch was gone, and all I hear is fear.

  “Of course we do, but you need to tell me the truth. I defended you, but there are things he said, that need an explanation.” I paused and waited for her response, but traffic noise was all I got. “Please, Sawyer. I really like Leo, and I don’t want this to get out of hand.”

  “Fine. I’ll come and see you.” She hung up before I had the chance to say anything further. So I paced the apartment, waiting.

  I went to my office and looked at the notebooks out on the table and the array of coloured markers I’d been working with. The next edition was finished, and I’d been playing with ideas for the next couple. I’d been reviewing some of the proposals and ideas from my regular freelancers and if they could work into the themes I’d loosely planned.

  Spring colours and flowing foliage were key—beautiful and striking—and would carry plenty of artistic direction. There were a few new restaurants that would fit into the concept as well, but the meaty parts of the publication were still missing. I’d told Leo this morning that you couldn’t force creativity. That was true, and right now, everything was confused in my mind.

  I closed and tidied my desk, making sure everything went back in the right place, and the markers slid back into colour order. This room would always be organised, no matter how upside down my heart felt.

  With nothing else to keep my idle hands busy, I filled the kettle and made a cup of mint tea. It was good for nerves, right? Although the allure of a Malibu and Coke was compelling—screw the fact that it wasn’t even midday.

  Waiting for Sawyer proved to be torturous. As the minutes ticked on, the weight of the conversation loomed. Somehow, I’d linked the two problems I was facing—my fledgeling relationship with Leo and my friendship with Sawyer—to this one showdown. And it piled on the anxiety. This wasn’t like me. I was carefree, focussed and never, ever let drama interfere. But here I was, in a bubble of anxiety. Nausea and doubt were not good bedfellows and only gave me more negativity to dwell on.

  The mint tea didn’t settle anything, but it killed the last twenty minutes of waiting for Sawyer to walk through the door.

  She peeled her calf-length camel coloured coat off, dropped it on the edge of the sofa and came to sit in the chair opposite. Her face was flat and emotionless—nothing like the friend who I’d spoken to just moments ago.

  “Hey,” I opened the conversation.

  “Hey.”


  “Sawyer,” I started. “I don’t want to fight, but you need to level with me. What happened last night? And don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear. This is serious.” My butt wiggled forward on the seat, and part of me wanted to clasp her hands in mine. I hoped she’d open up and tell me the truth because Sawyer had a way of glossing over things—pushing them off like water from a duck’s back.

  My plea went unanswered, though. She remained still, not budging an inch. God, I wanted to slap her sometimes.

  “Look, you know I love you. We’ve been friends for years. But that friendship comes with some rules. We don’t lie. We look out for each other above all else, and right now, I’m worried about you. And I’m not going to blindly take your word over Leo’s when he’s told me things that don’t add up. You warned me that he was seeing someone else, but he’s a bouncer at Companion, which explains being seen with other women. You’re determined to see the bad in him despite everything to the contrary…”

  “Okay, okay, enough about your saviour, Leo,” she snapped and turned away.

  “Sawyer, come on. You’ve got to meet me halfway. What is it with you?”

  But she didn’t meet my eyes. She stared off towards the door as if she wanted to bolt from the room to avoid this conversation at any cost. Right now, it felt like that cost might be our friendship. No matter what I came up with, I couldn’t understand why she was being so secretive or evasive over a simple misunderstanding.

  “Sawyer!” I shouted, finally gaining her attention and focus back on me. And that was when I saw it—the sheen of tears gathering in her eyes. “Sawyer, what the hell? Just tell me.” I pleaded, and I stood to perch on the arm of the chair, pulling her to me and stroking her arm.