Blush: A Strangers-to-Lovers Romance

by Rachel De Lune

  The corner store sold everything, including a digital pregnancy test that even spelt out the result for you. Perfect.

  My skin had broken out in goosebumps the minute I walked back out into the elements, and by the time I’d gotten home, I was shivering with cold. I’d deal with that later—right now I needed to pee like my life depended on it. The cause of the swirly feeling in my stomach was hard to distinguish now between genuine sickness and the trepidation and anguish that this news brought.

  My mind raced to find the solution I needed, but I finally gave up because I was holding the only thing that would give me answers in my hand. I downed a glass of water and then jumped on the spot a few times as if gravity would help my body pump the liquid through faster.

  I ripped the package open, and even though it looked pretty obvious, I read the instructions: lid off, pee, wait. Simple.

  And of course, three minutes had never lasted so long. It was like the seconds had to fight to pass. My heartbeat raced as if I was running a marathon, and my hands shook with nerves. No matter how many deep breaths I took, they didn’t calm me or make me feel any better. Because this was perhaps the most terrifying moment I’d faced since my mother had died. And it really hurt that it was around the prospect of being a mother myself. A wave of shame hit me and mixed up my feelings even further.

  Finally, three minutes.

  I turned the white and blue test over and stared at the small digital screen that held all the answers to my future.

  4+ weeks pregnant.

  What the fuck!

  “Belle! Belle, I know it’s early, but you’ve gotta come over. It’s an emergency.”

  “Okay… I’m up. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Her sleepy voice showed none of the panic it might have done if she’d known of my news.

  I paced back and forth—a little circuit around my apartment, running over all of the options and scenarios in my mind. Nothing filled me with anything close to reassurance or happiness, and I was pretty quickly spiralling out of control.

  My hand drifted over my flat belly as if it could sense the problem brewing inside. Because right now, all I could see were the obstacles in my way. All of my dreams faded into the ether. I didn’t want to be a mother. Hell, Leo and I were just messing about, and although it could have been more, this wasn’t the way to test that theory. He’d already left, what would he say if he found out I was pregnant?

  My internal panic attack lingered, and my heartbeat hadn’t slowed. The rapid, deep pulse almost shook my body with every pump of blood. I needed to sit down. I needed to sit down and just wait for Belle. We could figure this out together.

  My phone vibrated on the kitchen table where I left it, and I dashed to see who it was, but I immediately lost interest as it was a piece coming in for the next edition.

  With the phone in my hand, I contemplated calling Sawyer to help with my life-changing dilemma. But, after all that had happened over the last couple of months, I hesitated. Sorrow engulfed me at that fact. People referred to being sad as being blue, and right then, I understood what that meant.

  Belle’s staccato knocking on the door pulled me from my thoughts and had me racing for the door. I swung it open and saw a tired and concerned Belle. Her brows were drawn together, and a little crease had formed between her eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I stared at her, with the words I had to say on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t push them out.

  “Astrid? What’s happening?”

  I turned away and busied myself with the kettle in the kitchen, standing over the sink as if I could hide from her.

  “Astrid?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Silence built in the room as Belle evaluated the weight of those two words.

  The flick of the switch as I set the kettle to boil finally broke the spell.

  “It’s Leo’s?” she asked.

  I stared at her. As if that was her first question! “Really?”

  “Just checking.” Her face broke out into a grin and then a huge smile.

  “And why are you smiling like a loon?”

  “Because this was meant to be. It’s the universe giving you a sign that you’re meant to be together. I told you.”

  “By getting pregnant?” I gasped. “Have you lost your mind? In what world is this a sign?”

  “Well, you’ll get back together now, right? You can tell him about the baby, and then there’ll be no reason for you to be apart.” She stepped closer to me and took my hands. “You’ll see.”

  I shook her over-enthusiastic and romanticised hands away from me. I needed firm and realistic. Not fairy tales.

  But she held firm. “Don’t, Astrid. I know what you’re thinking. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world. One thing at a time.”

  “And what’s that one thing?”

  “Talk to Leo.”

  I walked past her and flumped down on the sofa. “That’s not the first thing, Belle. Shouldn’t I decide if I even want to keep the baby first?”

  She didn’t answer. Instead, I was subjected to cupboards opening and shutting and cups clinking. I worked out she was making us the drinks I’d abandoned. And all that time just made me ponder the words I’d said. I already regretted them. Belle’s relationship with her mother was complicated, and I knew my comment would have struck a chord. My mother died a few years ago, and I couldn’t say I’d ever been overrun with maternal feelings. Maybe that had influenced my reaction?

  She carried the drinks over and took a seat on the edge of the sofa next to me. Tears shimmered in her eyes and seeing her sadness pushed the emotion I’d trapped with my panic to the surface.

  We reached for each other at the same time, wrapping our arms around each other and letting our tears fall, the sobs echoed, as the myriad of feelings confusing my heart were let out into the world.

  Our tea was cold before we released each other. We didn’t have to say anything at that time, we just clung to each other and gave ourselves over to the moment.

  “Feel better?” Belle asked.

  I stopped stroking her long hair and pulled away so we could see each other.

  “Yeah. Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry. I know this is your decision, and it will be the biggest one of your life. I’ll be here to support you, no matter what.”

  I didn’t want her words to set off the waterworks again, but they did. I fanned my face to try and stop them, and Belle moved to go and re-make the tea.

  “You said Matthew is going to visit him?” I asked when the tears were back under control.

  “Yeah. In a few weeks, I think.”

  “I need to go and see him. This isn’t something I can put in a text message or say over the phone. I want to see his reaction.” I couldn’t imagine he’d be thrilled at the prospect of being a dad, but a part of me knew he’d do the right thing regardless. Before I made that call, I wanted to see his eyes—his expression. We’d need to talk and consider options and be grown-ups about this.

  “Will you speak to Matthew?” Belle handed me the cup, steaming with fresh tea. I peered inside and scrunched my nose up at the green colour. “Mint. No caffeine for you, lady.”

  “Fucking hell, Belle.”

  “Astrid!”

  “Give me a pass on the language, please. You’ve just taken away my daily fix.”

  She slinked to her spot on the sofa and curled her feet up, cradling her cup in her hand.

  “Don’t you want to speak to Leo and tell him you're coming?”

  “No.” What if he didn’t want to see me? I couldn’t cope with that along with the conversation we needed to have hanging on the line. We’d had so many false starts, I needed an honest reaction, and my gut instinct told me this was the way to do it.

  “Okay, I’ll get the details from Matthew and make him promise not to say anything. We can pretend it’s a surprise.”

  “Hell, there’s no pretending, Belle. This will be a surprise.” H
e’d left once. Would this keep him out of my life for good?

  19

  Astrid

  For the next few weeks, my new normal started to emerge after getting my head around the bombshell growing in my belly.

  My alarm clock still rang out in the morning, and I obediently got up and set about my day, but I couldn’t stomach orange juice in the morning or much else for that matter. The strict thirty-minute run was interrupted by dashes to the bathroom to throw up, and if I were lucky, I’d be dressed and ready for work by nine.

  Everything felt like wading through treacle—it took every ounce of energy out of me and made me feel like I was working at a sloth’s pace. And that pissed me off just as much as anything else. I’d worked so hard to set up my business, be my own boss and control my own future, and then a stupid boy comes along and messes everything up.

  A stupid boy with beautiful eyes that made me want to forget about everything else but him—but still. The sentiment stuck. There was no real blame on my part. We’d both agreed to sex. Hindsight would have been a useful tool, though.

  All of these realisations hit me in the weeks after finding out. It was like I was going through my own version of the stages of grief.

  Denial was over in a flash. Anger lingered a bit longer, and actually, I’d not been able to quench it completely. I’d had plenty of conversations with Belle that included bargaining, but none of them provided the magic answer I was looking for. Depression and acceptance seemed to go hand in hand and were my new outlook.

  This was happening, and I needed to deal with it.

  The throwaway comment about not keeping the baby was just that—throwaway. I’d never be able to give up or terminate something that belonged to me. Something so innocent and pure. People all around the world would give their everything to be able to have a baby. What right did I have even to consider throwing mine away like an unwanted gift?

  So that left me with one final question. Would I be doing this on my own, or with Leo?

  And no matter how much I wanted to have the answer to that, I’d have to wait until I saw him.

  Matthew’s plan involved him staying with Leo, so I booked Belle and me into a city hotel for the night. We’d travel up, stay over and take it from there. As we all lived in London and didn’t own a car, we were forced to take the train to Bristol.

  I felt caged the entire way. Probably the anxiety of what was looming.

  According to Matthew, Leo was meeting him at some club in town. Something about explaining stuff to Matthew—he wasn’t the most forthcoming, but hey, I wasn’t about to spill why I was travelling up to see him, either.

  My heart was in my mouth for the entire journey. The morning sickness had lessened, thank God, but this felt just as bad. I’d had the last few weeks to get my head around becoming a mother, and it no longer terrified me quite so much.

  I’d visited the doctor and had my first midwife appointment. That made everything so much more real. And now, I was left with the biggest question. What would Leo say?

  Belle’s eternal optimism and light had rubbed off on me because there was a tiny grain of hope taking root in my heart that he’d be pleased. That was the most dangerous thing to me right now—hope. Because when I thought about why that little fleck of hope existed, it was because I liked Leo and wanted something to connect us. I wanted there to be a reason for us to be together.

  He was the first guy I’d been excited over, who I’d thought could be a real boyfriend, and heaven forbid, fall in love with.

  When I confessed this to Belle, she nearly pierced my eardrums with her squeals.

  But, we were a long way from all of that romantic stuff. And my practical approach to everything in my life pushed all the mushy notions to the side. They could wait. Still, it was nice to dream.

  “I didn’t know you and Leo were that close?” I asked Matthew, making conversation as the train sped through the countryside.

  “I guess. Honestly, I didn’t expect to hear from him again, but I felt bad for not letting him crash.”

  “What do you mean?” Belle asked.

  “Oh, when he got the sack, he asked if he could crash on our sofa. I said it wouldn’t really work as we lived together.”

  “What? Why did you do that? Idiot.” Belle batted Matthew over the head with her magazine. She didn’t get cross that often, and she and Matthew seemed to bicker more than anything. Sibling rivalry, I guessed.

  “Hey, I was being a good brother. Leave it, Belle. It’s done.”

  “But he reached out?” I wanted to know what Leo was doing now. When he’d left, he didn’t have a job. And even when he was employed, he’d worked as a bouncer. I couldn’t see that as his lifetime career.

  “Yeah. Said he had to get a few things in order and being back gave him the focus he needed. Something about laying ghosts to rest. We’ve been talking about lessons and training a lot, and I think he’s got something happening around that. A trainer, or instructor or something.”

  “Like the lesson he gave you, Astrid.” Belle grinned widely at me.

  “I guess.” Images of Leo’s body sprung to mind—his well-defined, muscled body. He certainly fitted the description of a personal trainer.

  “I’m going to grab a coffee. Do you want anything?” Matthew stood and looked at us both.

  “A tea for me, Astrid?”

  I’d love a coffee, full of caffeine, cream, and caramel syrup. “Just water, thanks.”

  “You know you can have decaf, right?” Belle looked to me.

  “It’s not the same. Like diet Coke or low-fat mayo. It’s not worth substituting the real thing.”

  “Fair enough.”

  The train arrived on time, and Belle and I went to grab a late lunch at a restaurant close to the station. Matthew was going to Leo’s to dump his stuff, and we’d all be meeting up later at the club. He didn’t want to take us now in case the plan backfired, and he was left without a place to stay. So Belle and I did our thing before checking into the hotel.

  Hanging around and waiting wasn’t what I wanted to do. I’d waited all this time already and planned this meeting a hundred times over in my mind. I’d anticipated a hundred different reactions, and now I was so close, it was hard not to feel overwhelmed. No matter the different techniques, catching my breath was getting more complicated, and fear was beginning to mix in my blood.

  “Hey, Astrid, look at me. Look.” Belle grabbed my hands as soon as we were inside the hotel room. “It will be fine. Whatever he says, it doesn’t matter. You’ll be fine. You’re such a strong woman. You can handle anything.”

  “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like the romantic option that you keep wishing for, too.” And I meant that. Being close to that idea really gave that little grain of hope, all it needed to flourish. And the bigger it got, the more scared I became.

  “That’s my girl.” She hugged me tightly and crushed my lungs of the oxygen they were holding on to. It did the trick, and reset my mild panic attack. If only she could take away the fear as well.

  After killing time in the very-limited ‘spa’ facilities of the hotel—swimming pool, hot tub and steam pool—we got ready to meet Leo and Matthew.

  The nausea that I’d been holding on to all day came back with a vengeance. I didn’t think I’d ever been so nervous. I was sick of watching the time. I wanted to get this over with, or I might have combusted.

  “Matthew’s in the lobby. He’s got a cab coming in five.”

  “Where’s Leo?”

  “At the club. Matthew will explain, apparently.” Belle scrutinised her phone before tucking it into her purse. “Come on.”

  “So where are we going?” I asked Matthew the moment he was in my field of vision.

  “I told you we were meeting Leo at a club.”

  “Yeah, but we kind of thought we’d see him first. Weren’t you with him this afternoon?” I quizzed him.

  “Yeah, but as I said, we’d had these plans before you girls crashed
. He told me that everything would be explained later on. Besides, I can’t tell him you’re here, can I? Oh, and I’m meeting his sister at the bar.”

  I didn’t know he had a sister. Our baby would have an auntie. The thought ballooned a part of my heart that was set on this being my fairy tale ending. No matter how much I wanted to keep a level head, my mind got carried away. The baby would have an uncle as well—if I worked up the courage to tell my dad and brother about the baby. I’d been putting that off. Forcing myself to overcome this hurdle first before I tackled anything else was all my heart could take.

  We headed off, and I tried not to feel disappointed that I’d not be able to speak to him before finding him in a packed-out club. I would ask Leo to grab a coffee or something. I didn’t need to shout the news over the thumping bass of club music.

  A ten-minute taxi ride and we arrived at what appeared to be a nondescript building. No signs or obvious door. Matthew went up to the black door, hidden against the fabric of the building, and knocked. A shutter slid open, and a guy peered through at us.

  “Leo Walker,” Matthew stated firmly.

  The shutter snapped shut, and the doors creaked open, so Leo’s name had worked it’s magic.

  Belle, Sawyer, and I had visited our share of clubs and bars in London in our time. Some of them way over our budget, and others turned out to be dives, but this place? I had no idea what I was walking into.

  Belle wrapped her arm through mine as we stepped into a gloomy entryway with only a long corridor into yet more shadows as a way forward. Matthew led the way after a nod from the man behind the door.

  Bass music pulsed through our soles as my eyes grew accustomed to the dark. We turned a corner of sorts before we came into what must have been the central part of the club, more like a done-up warehouse. A bar lined the back, and people packed the place.

  “Wait here. I’ll go and ask for his sister.” Matthew left us and headed to the bar, but I was too curious and wanted to meet her too, so we followed behind. I spotted her before Matthew did. Her freckles were a dead-giveaway, and even seeing her, my heart let out a little skip. Bloody hell, I needed to get myself together, or I’d wind up a teary mess right in front of him.