Faking It

by Lotte Daley

  ‘Katie,’ Magenta said, bringing me close for an air kiss on both cheeks.

  ‘Come in, come in,’ I said gaily.

  ‘Remember, don’t offer them carbs!’ Richard said quietly in my ear. ‘I’ll go to the shop now and buy in some salads and salmon for lunch later on,’ he said, squeezing past me and acknowledging the women and Aubrey before throwing a manly nod to Bailey.

  As Hanna, Aubrey and Magenta busied themselves with the bags, boxes and clothing hanger things, I noticed as I closed my front door that Richard appeared to be in deep conversation with a worried-looking Bailey. I wondered what they were talking about. I prayed that Bailey was simply going with Richard to Waitrose and not to the corner shop, where all they could buy was pork pies, stale sandwiches and a selection of crisps. I also prayed that Bailey wasn’t going back to bed with Carolina Fernando for more exciting posh sex. Before I had the chance to watch where they were going, Magenta had hooked her arm through mine and pushed me into my living room.

  ‘Gosh! What a marvellous surprise!’ I said, standing above everyone who had, without asking first, taken a seat and made themselves very comfortable. My mother was chattering away to Frenella, using her irritating posh voice that was reserved for the residents of Little Glove, the vicar and anyone else important with an air of authority. Everyone else got short shrift most of the time, but if she encountered anyone she deemed to be slightly above us, out came the Queen’s English with the crossed legs and the pursed lips.

  ‘Kate,’ Hanna began, ‘I appreciate that this visit is unexpected and for that I sincerely apologize.’

  ‘It’s really OK, there’s no need …’ I began. What planet was Hanna Frost living on? She was acting completely alien! She was friendly, her voice was soft and she was wearing gloss instead of her usual brash scary lipstick. She had on cotton trousers and a plain t-shirt. She still looked good, albeit slightly dumpy without her massively high heels. Hanna Frost was actually, beneath all the make-up and the strange designer clothes she wore, a very plain woman. There was nothing special about her, apart from the selection of expensive accessories and her superduper fast sports car. For the first time in the entire time I’d known her, I didn’t feel like the ugly one.

  ‘Now, darling, I know that I said nothing would be happening for a few days but unfortunately in this crazy, fast-paced, uber-glamorous world we live in here at Poets Field, things can change at the last minute.’

  I looked at her blankly.

  ‘We’re here because today you are having the makeover to end all makeovers.’

  ‘Seriously?’ I breathed. Did this mean they were going to make me look as hot as I did in Sizzle Stars? If that was the case, then I prayed that this time Bailey could stay away until I was complete. That way, for once, I would get to show him my fabulous side. God knows, he so needed to see it.

  ‘Aubrey has brought you some Botox.’

  ‘What?’ my mother shrieked. Argh! I cringed. I knew that she’d find some way of embarrassing me to death. ‘Botox?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Lewis, it’s a wonderful addition to Western women’s beauty regime.’ Aubrey said politely. What is it with everyone being super nice? Could it be Mum’s presence?

  ‘Darling,’ Mum wafted her hand dismissively, ‘Kate doesn’t need Botox. As you can tell from looking at my wrinkle-free face, we Lewis women have followed the family secret of soap and water for generations and remained free from looking our true age.’ Mum winked around the room. ‘You would never in a million years guess that I am actually a woman of fifty-six,’ she said smugly.

  Actually, we would. She did look her age, she did have wrinkles, but in all honesty, she didn’t look haggard or worn out. But then she didn’t smoke, rarely drank and used a heck of a lot of moisturizer. She never went out in the sun without a hat on and hadn’t ever graced a sun bed. I wondered how awful I was going to look at her age, with the amount of sunbathing I had already done. Thankfully, Hanna et al humoured her and the conversation took a positive turn as everyone began to swap beauty secrets and tips. With Mum suitably tied up waffling to Magenta about Olay Regenerist, Aubrey and Hanna took me into the kitchen to discuss cosmetic surgery.

  ‘As you know,’ Hanna said gently – how strange, Mum is out of earshot, yet she’s still being over-the-top nice to me. Maybe I’d just run into her the week she had severe PMT or something? Maybe her PMT lasted a fortnight? Who knew? Hanna continued, ‘You failed to get the go-ahead from the Brand New You clinic for a breast augmentation.’

  ‘Yes, I know, stupid decision,’ I muttered. Aubrey shot me a glance and prodded me in the back.

  ‘But all is not lost,’ Hanna said, as she pulled out a couple of leaflets with happy-looking women on them looking incredibly line-free, buxom and radiant. Slogans were splashed across them.

  I have the confidence to go outside my house now, thanks to Botox!

  I don’t have to worry about showing up my mega young boyfriend, now I have Botox to chase away my wrinkles!

  ‘Mmmm,’ I mused. ‘Interesting. So how long does it take?’

  ‘It’s instant,’ Aubrey said, as I noticed him opening one of the silver boxes and a packet of antiseptic wipes.

  ‘Um, I’m not really comfortable with my mother being privy to this, um, get-together, you know …’

  ‘Oh right, as you wish, Katie,’ Hanna said.

  ‘So, how do you get rid of her?’ Aubrey blurted out.

  I was about to answer when there was a clattering by the door as Richard stumbled through, laden down with shopping bags.

  ‘Lunch,’ he announced and pushed his way past Hanna and Aubrey to dump the plastic bags on the breakfast bar. Disappointingly, Bailey didn’t follow him inside. Where could he have gone?

  ‘We have salmon, eggs, salad and green tea!’ He looked around, smiling.

  ‘That sounds disgusting,’ my mother said.

  ‘Well, you don’t have to eat it,’ I snapped. Where is Bailey? I wondered, gazing towards the window before turning back to face Mum.

  ‘Let me fix you something else up?’

  ‘No, dear, I want to go home.’

  Thank the Lord!

  ‘Can you call Janice for me? She gave me a lift on her way to her sixth form thing this morning.’

  ‘Bit of a detour?’ I said, surprised. I assumed Mum had come by train.

  ‘Yes, well, apparently she had a trip to a museum this morning, so I allowed her to take the car on condition she drove me here first.’

  School trip my arse, I bet she’s shopping in Topshop as we speak, with a gaggle of her friends.

  ‘Bailey will take your mother home,’ Magenta announced, as she tapped some numbers into her BlackBerry Pearl.

  ‘Nooooooo!’ I said a bit too loudly. All heads swung round to look at me. ‘I meant, I’m sure that Janice will be more than happy to drive Mum home, after all, it is lunchtime, and I’m sure her trip is over by now. I mean, how long does it take to look at a few fossils and paintings?’ I smiled sweetly.

  ‘No trouble at all, Katie, after everything you’ve done for us, and what you are doing for us in the future, it’s absolutely no problem at all for us to lay on your driver to accommodate your family’s needs.’ I look to the window and spy Bailey, finally, tapping his mobile phone with no idea he was about to be rudely interrupted.

  I’m gobsmacked. Magenta is tripping over herself to be nice to me, I feel like a princess, and as I look around, everyone aside from my sour-faced mother, is glaring at me like a Stepford Wife. I wondered, what could they know that I didn’t? I got the distinct impression that something was amiss. Call it gut instinct, but something was up.

  ‘Bailey, darling, can you drive Katie’s mother back to her house in Little Glove please? Yes … Uh huh … the same place as before. Straight away. Yes. Fabulous.’ She snapped the phone shut.

  ‘Your carriage awaits,’ Richard said, holding out his hand for her to lean on as she pulled herself to her feet. He handed her her massive
bag, which she took and slung over her shoulder.

  ‘Bye, Mum,’ I said, moving over for a hug.

  ‘Take care,’ she said. ‘I will call you later, heaven knows why I bother, though – you never answer your phone.’ She said her goodbyes and waddled off to the car.

  I raced out afterwards. Maybe if I could whisper something to Richard about asking Bailey what was going on with us, he could intervene on my behalf and decipher all this crazy business with Bailey and his moods. On second thoughts, Mum was still wittering on about the perils of leaving messages on answerphones and Richard, ever the gent, was humouring her gently. I could see Bailey over their shoulders looking taught and tanned, leaning casually against the car, smoking another cigarette. No wonder he was inwardly stressed, all that nicotine can’t be good for him. Also, I could hardly ask Richard about Bailey when I hadn’t ’fessed up about what had actually happened between us. ‘Safe journey,’ I called out after them as they manoeuvred my mother into the back of the car. I imagined she would be furiously waving out of the blacked-out window, so I waved back. Bailey slammed her door shut and went to get into his side of the car. Richard was striding back across the road and up towards the garden path. Bailey gave me a salute and winked. Cheeky, I thought, and gazed longingly back at him.

  ‘OK, what’s going on?’ Richard said, standing next to me on the step as I watched them drive away.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I smirked.

  ‘I saw that look – that was a wink that said he’d had you naked and that was a gaze that said you wanted more …’

  ‘How on earth did you get that from just a wink and a look?’ I said, suddenly feeling really exposed. How did Richard guess? And if he guessed, had anyone else? No, surely not – for one, we’d hardly spoken in front of anyone.

  ‘Darling, I am an expert in love games,’ he said.

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘It was pretty obvious.’

  ‘Oh … well … Now the cat’s out of the bag, what should I do?’ I looked up at him, a worried expression on my face.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he said sarcastically. ‘I haven’t seen a cat aside from your mangy one inside. God, Katie, no one buys moggies any more, you import pedigree ones from abroad.’

  ‘Shut up, there’s nothing wrong with my cat,’ I said grumpily. He was avoiding my question.

  ‘So, you had sex with Bailey?’ Richard said, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket.

  ‘I did,’ I said, sinking down on to the doorstep. Richard joined me, and held out his cigarette packet for me to take one.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, lighting up. The nicotine sure helped me in times of stress.

  ‘And he’s acting really weird, like, he left really suddenly after we’d, you know, done it,’ I blushed furiously. ‘And he hasn’t called me … no explanation as to where he went and then he just shows up on my doorstep says “Hello”, buggers off to Waitrose with you and throws me a wink.’

  ‘I think,’ Richard said slowly, ‘that you had fun and you shouldn’t think about it, just enjoy it and if anything else happens then great, if not, well, you had a good time, right?’

  ‘Yeah, but …’

  Gah! Richard was totally avoiding my questions. Why couldn’t he analyse? Why couldn’t he give me some darned hope? This was a girly conversation and most of the subtle hints about how wretched I felt inside went up and over Richard’s head. Oh, how wonderful it must be to live on Planet Boy, with no emotional quandaries, faffing about through life, seeing everything through black and white spectacles. They have it so easy. Non-emotional, commitment-free sex, nothing open to interpretation, straight down the road, simple love life. Argh! I wanted to hit him out of pure gender envy.

  ‘But nothing. It’s sex, Katie. Do you want him to be your boyfriend?’

  ‘Um, gosh, that’s a bit soon after Jack, I really don’t know about that …’

  ‘Well, what do you want from him?’ Richard said sharply.

  ‘Erm, I don’t know. I mean, I guess an explanation, I’d like to know how he feels about me … what he thinks … if he’d like to go on a date with me?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ he said, flicking ash into my plant pots.

  ‘Well, yes. Why not? What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Nothing. It’s just a bit like opening your presents before Christmas.’

  ‘Oi!’ I said, nudging him. ‘It wasn’t like that.’

  ‘How was it, then?’ Richard said dryly. ‘The world’s biggest romance? Hearts and flowers? Poems and songs?’

  ‘No, but it was electric. We had dynamite sex.’

  ‘Katie, you do know that Bailey is, how shall I put it, popular and sociable?’

  ‘You mean he’s a player? I fucking knew it! God, this means I’ve been played, doesn’t it? Oh, it’s so bloomin’ obvious now, I hate players!’

  ‘Don’t hate the player …’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘It’s a man thing. You need to understand. Don’t hate the player, don’t hate the game … hate yourself for taking part.’

  I looked at him blankly.

  ‘Katie, think of yourself as a roast dinner. You know how you wait for hours and hours before you get your roast dinner?’

  ‘And it’s over in five minutes?’ I sniggered.

  ‘No,’ Richard smiled wryly. ‘I mean, if you package yourself as a microwave meal, easily accessible, quick to prepare, cheap …’

  ‘Oh, I see where you’re going with this. So, you think Bailey now thinks of me as a Pot Noodle or something? Dirty and grubby but undeniably tasty,’ I said, humouring him. I just don’t believe that all men think like this. It can’t be true.

  ‘I’m saying that if you offer yourself on a plate, he’s not going to come back for seconds unless he’s going through a dry spell.’

  ‘So now I’m tantamount to a box of Micro Chips. Do I have no hope of getting Bailey to take me to The Dorchester like Fabio Matravers?’

  ‘You went out with Fabio? How are you still alive?’ he said, in reference to Hanna’s strop at me for accepting Fabio’s business card back at the ranch.

  ‘Hanna knew. She orchestrated it, apparently.’

  ‘Interesting,’ Richard said, pursing his lips.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘What is it? What is it you know that I don’t?’

  ‘Well, it’s just that Fabio Matravers doesn’t have anything to do with Hanna, as far as I know, in fact, I would go so far as to say that he dislikes her, but then I could be wrong.’

  ‘Why would he dislike Hanna?’ I said.

  ‘You have to ask?’ Richard laughed.

  ‘Well, she seems perfectly fine to me today,’ I shrugged.

  ‘That’s because you’re winning for her. Your fabulous interview has reflected greatly upon Hanna. This means Magenta sucks up to her, Frenella continues to dance to her tune and as for Bailey, well, less said about that the better.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I said, worried.

  ‘Well, let’s just say …’

  ‘Kate?’ Hanna said, standing behind us and looking down her nose.

  ‘Hanna!’ we both said in unison.

  ‘We were just talking about you,’ Richard said, as he flicked the end of his cigarette into the neighbour’s garden.

  ‘No, we weren’t,’ I said.

  ‘Just joking,’ Richard chortled, as he clambered to his feet and pulled me up.

  ‘I don’t care what you’re doing, but what I do care about is that Magenta is inside sipping green tea and awaiting the presence of our little soon-to-be celebrity. And what is she doing? Smoking like a chav on her doorstep with you, the biggest lothario London has seen since Darren Day was in town.’

  ‘Sorry, we were just getting some air, my mother can be a handful at times,’ I said quietly.

  ‘I see where you get it from now,’ Hanna sniped, as she turned on her heels and walked back into my house.

  ‘The cheek of it,’ I muttered to Richard.


  ‘Ignore and smile, ignore and smile …’ Richard said under his breath.

  ‘Just one more thing, is Bailey interested in me?’ I said, looking at Richard, dying for his opinion.

  He opens his mouth to speak, but doesn’t get the chance. Frenella has now wafted in, hooked his arm and dragged him to the sofa for a chat. He doesn’t seem to mind – as I watch him scan her body, taking in her little curves and plastic boobs.

  ‘Don’t look so alarmed,’ Aubrey says, as he stands there in a white coat with a syringe in his hand. He looks like something from a horror movie.

  ‘Listen, I never got to ask earlier, but why are you all here?’ I say, hoping I don’t sound ungrateful.

  ‘Darling! How awful of us not to say!’ Magenta coos. ‘It’s the film premiere of East End gangster flick Murked in Leicester Square tonight and you have been invited by Danny Divine, the most attractive and suave Bond-a-like man on the British film scene at the moment!’ She clasps her hands together in pure delight. I make a mental note to escape to my bedroom to Google Danny Divine. Now it made sense. They wanted me to cosy up to this actor guy for good publicity. Hmm … well, let’s just hope he’s as gorgeous as all the other actor-type men in London.

  ‘I am here to prep you on how to behave,’ Hanna informs me. ‘Aubrey is qualified to give cosmetic injections.’ She nods over at Aubrey who smiles back at me.

  ‘Frenella’s going to do your mani-pedis – it’s her sideline – and Magenta is here to oversee everything. Ziggy Wang is coming over to give you a blow-dry and style your hair into something totally out of this world and Tom has selected some outfits for you to choose from for tonight’s extremely important soirée. You must look absolutely flawless. No food stains on your outfit, which means you have to say “No thank you” to the canapés. Besides, no up-and-coming celebrity ever eats, certainly not in public.’