Faking It

by Lotte Daley

  ‘Bailey and I, we, well, we’ve been having an affair.’

  ‘You’ve what?!’ I said, shouting. Frenella’s head spun round to watch us. The man she was with kept trying to entice her back to his embrace by pulling at her chin, he’d move her gaze to face him, she’d pat him playfully and turn back towards us girls. I looked up and nodded to her to let her know all was OK, even if I didn’t know what the hell was going on or indeed if it was actually OK.

  ‘We’ve been having an affair for ages now,’ she said, wafting her hand. ‘I had to keep it secret because Lydia, my sister, would totally kill me. But she’s moved to Australia for a year as of today … so I figured it wouldn’t really matter if I went public with Bailey, after all, one can’t help who one falls in love with, can one?’ she smiled.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I said, my breathing shallow. This cannot be happening!

  ‘So, why are you telling me this?’ I said.

  ‘Because I know that you and he were, how shall I put it, getting close, and I didn’t want you to get hurt again, God, not after what you’ve been through with Jack Hunter and Jessica …’

  ‘Don’t say her name,’ I said, with venom.

  ‘Why ever not?’

  ‘Just don’t say it. It makes me feel physically sick. Please don’t say it.’

  ‘Whatever,’ Hanna said.

  I decided to let her blatant disregard for my feelings go right over my head. From now on I was going to pick my battles carefully.

  ‘I had to tell you, because remember when I told you the truth about how Fabio took you on a date to gain Jessica’s attention? Well, Bailey had to find someone to use as a decoy,’ she smirked, ‘for us.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ I said, dying a little more inside.

  ‘’Fraid so, Katie … I hate to tell you this, but I knew and counted on the fact that if Bailey got close to you, you’d tell Richard, he’d probably tell Aubrey, who would tell Tom Theodore and all the attention would be detracted away from me and placed on you, which in turn created the ideal opportunity for Bailey and me to spend time alone together,’ she put her fingers up in quotation marks and continued with, ‘working late, and no one would be suspicious of us because of you, oh God, Katie, you know how it goes …’

  ‘How could you do such a thing to me?’ I said.

  My stomach felt as though I’d inhaled broken bottles.

  ‘I feel … humiliated, I mean, Fabio was humiliating, Jack Hunter was beyond humiliation central, and what, now Bailey?’

  ‘Well, no one expected you to get over Jack Hunter in the time it takes to boil an egg now, darling, did they? Did you even?’

  ‘Who says I am over him?’ I said, desperately trying to claw back some dignity. No one knew how I felt inside about Jack, aside from Danielle. You can be over someone but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re over what they did to you. I was over Jack Hunter but I hadn’t yet fully come to terms with the way in which our relationship ended. Hanna didn’t know that. She didn’t have to. What is it with this woman? Did she not want to see me happy? I decided there and then that Hanna Frost was the ultimate frenemy. She was like a doll, a totally amazing wonderful friend when I was on my knees, suffering, heartbroken, frizzy and in awful clothes. OK, not entirely true, she was mostly acerbic and yada yada yada, but I get that, it was from being around the fashion gays. God knows, Aubrey has a heart of gold and Tom Theodore and Ziggy Wang especially have their hearts firmly in the right places. And tonight Hanna demonstrated that she cared for my welfare, she organized a hotel suite for me for Christ’s sake, she hugged me, she stood up for me, stood by my side when I was going bananas at Danielle for her hideously awful love crime against me. She was here, and she needed my support and I should be giving it to her. I mean, of course I will give it to her, but something hurt when she spoke to me, deep inside. Something ached when she spoke about her and Bailey in a romantic way. The very idea of them together made me want to retch. And then Jack Hunter, I was over him romantically, I did not want him as a boyfriend, partner, someone to love, cherish and share my life with, Jack Hunter had fulfilled a role and now he was gone, but we all know he’d been gone a long time before we broke up. We had died a long time ago but neither of us had the courage to admit it. I didn’t hate Jack Hunter. I didn’t have it in me to feel that way about him. Which made the following decision easy. I’d rapidly changed my mind throughout the evening, with each and every conversation that took place between me and Hanna, I just became more and more confused as to what was real and what was not. I did know firmly who I was, though. I had to do something. I was going to tell Jack. I was going to go downstairs, and I was going to tell Jack Hunter and spare him humiliation, because underneath the make-up and the fancy clothes I was Katie Lewis. I was a good person and good people don’t let other people, no matter who they are or how much hurt they’ve caused, get hurt themselves. It was totally bad karma. I was then going to go home. Not to The Mayfair. No, Hanna and Bailey could go and have sex all over the hotel for all I cared now. I was going to catch the bus home to Bethnal Green, Lauriston Gardens, my house. I was going to get into my bed, alone, wear my pyjamas and snuggle up with my cat. I was then going to book a one-way ticket to the Caribbean, fuck it, I’ll take my mum and Janice, and we’ll all go someplace nice, away from the drama and fast-paced, two-faced crazy life of being almost famous. OK, pretty much famous now that Sizzle Stars was out and Jack had blabbed to Oh Yay! magazine. I gazed at Hanna who was applying a fresh coat of lip gloss, her eyes glistening, not a care in the world; I looked at Frenella, happy, flirting her little feet off. Pippa was sitting so quietly in the corner that I’d all but forgotten she was there, which means … she must have seen me put my phone in my knickers! But she’s not said anything to Hanna! Yet. Which brings me to this dilemma. If I move, Pippa will totally tell Hanna that I stole my phone back, which means Hanna will probably steal it off me for my own good. I know what Hanna is like, meaning she’s forceful, she’s patronizing and she’ll bloody well do what she likes, especially when it came to matters of love. Particularly my love life. Did she want to go on down to see Jack herself and offer him an evening with her? Just to spite me? That’s how it felt when she told me about Fabio and our ‘pity’ date, the one that Fabio pretended not to know anything about. I felt like a really small version of myself (not in a good way) whenever Hanna came out with these revelations, which were always preceded with a sigh and dramatic hand gestures. I had never felt so lonely in all my life.

  For the third time, my knickers shuddered with the vibration of a text. I couldn’t sit here in this position any longer. I had to leave.

  ‘I feel sick,’ I announced to Hanna, as I stood up to go. ‘I’m going to go get some water and then I think I’m going to head home,’ I said.

  ‘Are you sure?’ she said, unperturbed. I was sure. I was through with all these games, the bitching and the shit that comes with being fashionable and gorgeous. I didn’t know who to trust any more in this mad world aside from my cat and my family and that’s why I was absolutely resolute that the decision I just made a second ago was totally the right one.

  ‘I’ll see you get out OK,’ Pippa said, as she leapt to her feet.

  ‘Thanks, Pippa,’ I said, turning to her. Her warm, kind and open face spoke volumes. She really didn’t belong in this world. She belonged in a world full of knitting and baking and book clubs. Bless her. I linked arms with Pippa who, strangely, sprang back from me.

  ‘I don’t bite,’ I said, joking.

  ‘I know you don’t, Katie, it’s just I feel a bit ill myself, don’t really want to infect you, think it’s some kind of chill … the one where it hurts to be touched, nothing against you.’ She trailed off.

  ‘Kate, finally!’ Richard came into view at the top of the stairs.

  ‘Hey, you,’ I said, patting him on the back. ‘You didn’t have to wait, I’m going home.’

  ‘No, you can’t,’ he said.

  ‘I think I c
an …’ I half joked.

  ‘Kate, we need to talk.’

  ‘Leave her alone!’ Pippa squealed ferociously, pushing Richard out of our way. He jumped back in surprise, his hands in the air. A couple of burly-looking bouncers looked over.

  ‘Jesus, Katie, what the fuck is going on?’ he said.

  ‘I, I …’ I rambled. I’d never seen this side of Pippa. She was like a rabid terrier, nipping and bouncy. She was glaring at Richard. Why didn’t she want him near me?

  ‘What the hell has he ever done to you?’ I demanded of her.

  She ignored me and with one eye on the bouncer and the other on Richard, she screamed really loudly, ‘STOP TOUCHING ME!’

  Richard’s face went white and his hands, once again, were up in the air. ‘I’m not touching you, you fucking lunatic! You’re a mad woman, I’d have to have drunk the entire bar dry and been starved of a woman’s touch for eternity before I’d even consider touching you, you scraggly hag!’ he snapped.

  ‘Move along, sir,’ one of the big bouncers said. ‘Don’t want any trouble.’

  ‘Well, neither do I! Just for the record, I haven’t laid so much as a manicured finger on this troll,’ he said with his nose stuck up in the air. The bouncer looked at me. I shrugged. I didn’t want to get involved but then Richard hadn’t done anything wrong, had he?

  ‘He’s done nothing wrong. This woman,’ I said, pointing at Pippa, ‘is lying.’ I recalled that Pippa was a bitch when I first met her. She was intrusive and she didn’t give me an easy time, what with camping on my doorstep and sticking her nose through my letterbox. She was the one who printed massive pictures of my arse and then circulated them in London Lowdown for the whole of the city to see! Could I trust her? No, of course I couldn’t, and just seeing her now, trying to stitch Richard up for goodness knows what reason, made me wonder if I had any character-judging skills whatsoever left inside me.

  ‘Pippa, just leave,’ I said dismissively, before hissing in her ear, ‘I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but Richard is a good friend of mine and you have absolutely no right to go accusing him of things he hasn’t even done, nor ever will do. So please, may I suggest you either go back up to Hanna and remain there, away from us, or I will have you removed. I can do this now, you see, now that I am famous.’ I smiled one of those awful fake nasty smiles I’d seen day in, day out, on Hanna Frost.

  Pippa grimaced. Richard took me by the arm and as we began to take steps away from her and down on to the floor, I felt a sharp pull against my other arm.

  ‘NOOOOOO!’ Pippa squealed, launching herself at me. I toppled on my heels, missed one step, two, oh fuck, I was heading for one gigantic and potentially life-threatening, face-maiming fall down these incredibly steep stairs in front of, oh God no, let this not be happening to me, in front of Jack and Jessica!

  ‘What is wrong with you? You psychopathic freaky bitch!’ Richard wails. He pushes Pippa away from me, she releases her grip and then he grabs her arm by the elbow and attempts to reach round and save me from falling flat on my face … by one strand of my long blonde hair, he misses.

  ‘Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ I scream at the top of my lungs, as I tumble down the stairs. I haven’t hit one yet, just sail down like I am taking a ride on one of those vertical flumes you get in water parks. I close my eyes and brace myself for what is going to be a pretty nasty fall.

  ‘Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeee,’ I yell, tears racing up into my eyes. This is it … THUMP!

  Oh! That wasn’t so bad after all …

  ‘GOTCHA,’ he says, pulling me close. I fall back against him and we collapse in a heap on the nightclub floor. Everybody stops and everybody stares. I can see Hanna leaning over the balcony, screaming my name. I can’t hear a word, I just watch, helplessly lying in the arms of this man. Frenella has seen the whole thing, and she’s moving away from Hanna, heading for the curtains.

  ‘You’re OK now, Katie, I’ve got you,’ Bailey says. He nuzzles into my neck. Mmm, feels good … but no! He’s having an affair with Hanna! She just told me, so this is wrong, he can’t go doing the whole public displays of affection thing whilst his not-so-secret girlfriend is standing up there watching!

  ‘What kind of a sicko are you!’ I squeal and shove him off me. ‘Thanks for breaking my fall,’ I say, back in full-on Hanna mode. ‘It’s the very least you could do.’ And as I stand up and smooth my dress down, I notice my phone, which has been harassing my lady garden from its place wedged in my knickers, now lying in two halves across the floor. Frenella races down the stairs towards me and scoops up the pieces, and my sea-creature clutch.

  ‘Here,’ she says. ‘Oh my God, are you, like, OK?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘Richard?’ I call, looking up to where I’d last seen him.

  He stood, nose-to-nose with Pippa Strong, holding what looked like a lighter in his hand. It was small and black and it had … wires coming out of it? What the fuck?

  ‘Richard!’ I screamed, loud enough for him to look at me. Pippa was bright red and the black, wired lighter thing was clutched tightly in Richard’s firm fist. He glared at Pippa before pacing downstairs towards me where he enveloped me in a hug.

  ‘She bugged you,’ he hissed.

  ‘Too right, she bloody well did, silly cow,’ I said, hugging him tightly back. ‘She’s been bugging me for the past week until tonight, she was like, really different, you know, what with the photos and everything …’ I was rambling now. Must be the shock of falling arse over tit in front of everyone. At least Bailey broke my fall … and this time everyone witnessed expensive pants. Not a Tesco pair in sight, I was in Agent Provocateur tonight.

  ‘No, I mean she was recording everything you said this evening.’ He looked me in the eyes.

  ‘She what?’ I said, confused to the hills.

  ‘She’s been taping everything, to stitch you up, to do an exclusive with one of the major Sunday newspapers, now that you’re a celebrity, the papers will pay six-figure sums for exclusives, and what could be more exclusive than your heartache over Danielle’s supposed encounters with Jack Hunter?’

  I gasped. ‘Oh no! This is insane, clearly!’ I yelped.

  ‘It means she was privy to the monster meltdown, the necking of the vodka, and anything else you said or did when I was gone from the house.’

  ‘Oh God …’ I breathed.

  ‘It’s OK, though,’ Richard smiled.

  ‘How is it OK? The woman has heard, like, everything and I mean everything and she’s seen me do things …’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like … take my mobile phone from Hanna’s bag and shove it in my knickers!’

  ‘Saucy!’

  ‘Wasn’t, actually – uncomfortable, especially when I received a text,’ I grumbled.

  ‘So, you got no calls?’ he said, eyes narrowed.

  ‘No. Hanna took my phone. When I got it back from her bag, I saw the missed calls, lots of them actually, but then I had to shove the phone, you know, down there, because Hanna reappeared from the loo.’

  ‘It all makes perfect sense …’ Richard mused, as his eyes darted skywards. Pippa stood at the top of the stairs, edging down, one by one.

  ‘What does?’

  Richard opens his mouth to explain but Pippa jars between us, pushing him, pulling my arm and saying, ‘I can explain! I can explain!’ but I am in no mood to hear it. Bailey stands there next to Richard. I notice they exchange a knowing glance and I am seriously about to grab the two of them and shove us all in a toilet cubicle to get to the bottom of all this insanity, when out of the corner of my eye I see a whole lot of blonde and a whole lot of pink heading in my direction.

  ‘OH MY GOD!’ it shrills.

  My stomach has now officially frozen over. It doesn’t move. It’s now located somewhere between my lungs and my gullet.

  ‘Katie Lewis. You are, like, so not as fat as you look in the magazines.’ Jessica Hilson stands there, tiny and skin
ny with long hair extensions falling over her little Malibu Barbie brown shoulders. I’m stunned.

  ‘And you,’ I begin, but my mind goes blank. ‘And you … really should stop using sunbeds. Didn’t anyone tell you that the look of a well-worn-DFS leatherette sofa was so 2007?’

  Jessica’s mouth fell open.

  ‘Oh my God, you totally didn’t just say that!’

  ‘She totally didn’t just say that … ’ Hayley echoed.

  ‘I soooo totally just did, you dizzy cow,’ I said and pushed past her.

  ‘I’m so totally through with even sharing the same oxygen space as you, darling,’ I said in my faux piss-taking accent. Jessica Hilson was nothing. She was nothing. She had nothing I wanted and she was somebody I would rather die than be like. What was the big deal about her anyway? Up close, she actually did have leatherette skin. She was fake. Totally fake. Beyond the hair extensions, the plastic boobs, the mahogany glow and the make-up, she was just like anybody else with a bit of effort. She was just a girl, not a demi-goddess, not a supermodel, not better than me.

  ‘I told you the airbrush is a girl’s best friend,’ Richard hissed in my ear.

  I stood there, and looked forward. Next challenge was Jack Hunter.

  For a minute I took in my surroundings. Behind me stood Richard, next to a confused and incredibly sexy-looking Sam Bailey. Frenella stood next to her flirty friend and Pippa stood sweating and gawping at Richard. Jessica Hilson had long gone with her little doppelgänger and ahead of me, Jack Hunter stood casually at the bar, nursing a whiskey on the rocks. It was now or never.